Ever since I got the news that my older sister Amber. I felt myself getting heavier and heavier each day. I’ve always struggled with having a straight back, my back was always arched like as if I was old. But, these days the issue was more alive than ever. Amber was a great big sister. At just the age of thirteen, she will be going halfway across the world, away from all her family members just to go boarding school. Leaving me as the next oldest sibling in the house. I didn't know if I would be able to do that. Amber, is always there for her siblings, comforting us after we just got in trouble with Mom and Dad, teaching us how to do homework when we don’t understand it. She is always there for her siblings, always. And I just don't know how she does it. How she is so selfless, spending all her free time with her family rather than with her friends like an average teenager would. But, again she isn’t average, she is extraordinary. She is the best big sister anyone o this planet could ever ask for. You would be crazy if you wanted another big sister. She is the best. And I love her very much. But the peer pressure of having to follow in her footsteps and become a good big sister is frightening, it was so unwanted. But, it's going to happen, and I feel like there is nothing I can do but rise to the occasion, and I’m just not sure that I will be able to do that. Every day it felt as if I was hooked on to an anchor, the anchor always seemed to be dragging me off a dock. I’m not sure what will happen when I reach the end of the dock. When I sink into the cold dark water. It always felt as if the water was trying to capture me, sometimes it felt too real, and I would think that there was water on my shirt when I wake up. I know everything is all just in my mind, but when it merges with reality, it's not all just in my head anymore. When the sun comes out, I dream a little more. I sometimes think that I will actually be able to break away from this anchor. I want to believe it because I think I might be able to do it. I will know soon enough, I have one chance, one chance to step up, one chance to escape from this dock. At Lawrenceville, where my twin sister and I will be attending our first ever sleep-away camp.

I picked up my phone which laid on the ground, the rough carpet scraped my hand, I wince. I felt my body sink into the soft fluff, as I jump onto my sister's bed. The soft fluff embraced me and I felt a reassuring sense of comfort. The kind of comfort that Amber gives me. The kind of comfort that a big sister gives to her siblings. The same type of comfort that I need to give my twin sister. I gulp, I felt a hand grab at my lungs, it was almost impossible to breathe. I open my mouth to swallow some air, and no longer felt the hands. I take a few deep breaths to calm down, before asking my sister, “You want to call Mom and Dad.” In my head, I already knew what her answer would be, but I felt like asking her first was a better choice, just in case she didn’t want to. Her face lit up before I even had time to finish my sentence. The nasty frown that she previously had on her face now disappeared, as a radiant smile took over. A smile that I have seen so many times. Yet, there always seems to be something new to like about it every single time. She nods her head eagerly, as I knew she would. I dialed our family group chat, anxiety rolling freely around me. The apprehensive feeling that I previously felt was completely distinguished, as my Mom and my older sister picked up. It felt so good just to see their faces again. Sense of home flooded my stomach; it’s the feeling where you just feel safe. You knew that even if the whole world was ending you would still feel safe. It’s a weird feeling, and it’s one only your family could give you, one that felt so needed when you aren’t with them. One of the best feeling in this world. It’s so pure and so ravishing.

“Hi! Ariel and Ashley,” Mom said.

“Hi,” We replied. It felt so good just to hear her voice again, although we just saw her three hours ago. Memories came sprinting back at me, I remember all the times that this very voice had comforted me, and it just felt so painful that the next few weeks are going to be hard to talk to her. It felt like drinking Chinese medicine. It was so wrong. I hated it. I felt my hands curled into fists, and I felt my teeth sink into my bottom lip. It hurt, but I needed to do something, anything just to release my anger. I could feel more weight thrown onto my shoulders. I was so mad. If this were a story next to this page there would be a picture of me with steam coming out my tears. I breathed heavily my nostrils flaring.

Through my phone, a static version of my Mom’s sweet voice came through, “I miss you guys.” In that millisecond, I stopped being mad. The water inside me stopped boiling me. I wasn't feeling hot anymore. I felt cold. I was shivering, my mouth started shaking. I wasn't sure if it was due to the clamminess that I felt, or just the pure sadness pitted in my stomach. Tears were swimming up to my eyes. I can’t cry. That's… that's just not what big sister do. I was fighting a war with myself. I didn’t want the tears to come out… because I needed to be brave...because I need to be like Amber. A great big sister, a brave big sister. I gulp down the growing lump in my throat. I stretched my eyes to its very limit to prevent the salty ocean tears from walking down my face. It took every bit of strength and mental power to restrain the liquid droplets from falling. I couldn’t be crying waterfalls when I’m supposed to be a big sister, that's not what big sisters do, that's not what Amber does. I looked over my shoulder and saw that my twin sister was crying. Oh no! Oh no! This can’t be happening right now. I start myself starting to lose my breath all over again, I gasped for air and this time it wasn’t so hard, but I had other problems to worry about. I felt a knot in my stomach, and my head felt fuzzy, I couldn’t think straight. But I had to. I had to for myself. I had to for Ariel. Fretfulness invaded my heart. I hold her hand to reassure her that it's all right. I hug her tight hoping that she calms down, as Amber always does. I tell her that we are both going to be okay. She seemed to believe me and stopped crying. I felt a wave of relief. Weight was tossed off my shoulders. I felt like I could stand now.  It was like a mask peeling off my face. The anchor now lay beside me, shattered into a million pieces. The sea was now clear blue, reflecting the light off the sun.

I may not have been as good of an older sister as Amber is, but on July 7, 2019, I knew that I grew and one day I know that I will be able to fill those shoes. Those big shoes.