Well enough of that. Once I finished sewing the sweater I had to walk out into the long hall of our apartment, walk five doors until I reached my aunts apartment to drop off her sweater. Whenever I go over to her place I last hours in there with her talking about rumors, people and life advice which I enjoy a lot, she lets me practice makeup with her and in all honesty not to brag but I think it ends up looking amazing. “AY! Mijo que hermoso estas” my aunt said looking at me in amazement, she got up, went to her room, and came back with the most gorgeous outfit I’ve ever seen “ I want you keep this” she said, all I could do was stare at the long burgundy dress with lace  “ no tia I can’t take that with me” “ what if my mom sees it? She will yell at me, or she might even consider kicking me out of the house…” I said anxiously “ mijo if she ever dares to do such thing you know I'm here for you and Allison” her sincerity and kindness was incomparable in my opinion “ thanks tia te amo” I hugged her, grabbed the dress from her hands and headed towards the room she has for me and Allison. The long burgundy lace dress also came with white heels that had diamonds on the strap,my aunt had also bought a medium, brown lengthed wig just for me two months ago which I was never actually able to wear but once I put it on the outfit was completed. I didn’t really bother to look at myself in the mirror because I wanted to see my aunts reaction first. When I came out the room to the living room where my aunt was watching “ Al diablo con los guapos” which was one of the top popular mexican novelas back in 2007. “ Tia..how do I look?” the reaction she gave me was priceless, her hands covered her mouth, eyes in shock and her deep cute dimples were showing on her face “ Carlos...you look so beautiful. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror yet?! Cause dios mio you look stunning” “no” I responded with a chuckle. Aunt Elenor covered my eyes while walking towards the long mirror hanging from the closet door in my room “ three...two..ONE!” she uncovered my eyes leaving me in absolute shock. This was really me...I looked like a new person, beautiful like the models on a magazine, or a model on the runway,  or as if I was ready to walk on the red carpet. I wanted to stay this way forever, I want to become this person. “ Tia…” “yes?” “ I want to be this person from now on” “ so then mijo let the world know who you want to be .”

It is now march 6th, 2009 and there’s three months until ninth grade is over. For the past two years I’ve let my hair grow out which is now up to my shoulders. It bothers my mom and there’s no day she will not complain about it. School has become more stressing over the years but I recover slowly, auntie and I have been going shopping together so she can help me find clothes I felt comfortable in nowadays including new wigs that I kept at aunties house so my parents don’t suspect anything. My parents still don't know about my sexuality but I'm planning to tell them today when we go to aunt Elenor’s house for dinner in case things get out of control which I hope doesn’t happen. As I sit in class retaining 0% of the information the teacher is talking about I think about the millions of consequences I’ll most likely face when I come out to my parents such as, kicking me out of the house, putting me in an orphanage , living on the streets, sending me to Mexico to live with another family member, or just in general hate me and not wanting to speak to me again. The more thoughts come into my head the more I want to run away from this place and never come back. School was done for the day and now it was time to head back home and get mentally prepared for tonight. Instead of taking the bus like most days I decided to go walking home with Allison so I can avoid going home quicker “ okay what’s wrong with you Carlos porque la cara larga? is it because you’re nervous for tonight thinking more odds than evens?” Allison just sighed ‘Here if this helps in anything I believe that if mom dares to do any of the things you’re thinking of right now just for saying that you prefer guys over girls then it’ll be up to you to prove her that after all you became strong, confident and inspiring to others that are,or were in your shoes”. Allison’s wisdom in that moment took me for surprise for the age she has, but I have to admit she was right. If my mom were to do such thing to me it would be up to me to prove her that I too can succeed and make a living just like any other person on earth. When we arrived home I felt a very heavy weight, stress maybe, or it could be my anxiety kicking in. “ como les fue chamacos?” “ bien” answered Allison “ y tu Carlos como te fue en la escuela?” “ bien bien” I said in a low,sad and mellow voice which wasn’t like me at all since i’m almost always in a good mood even though I face difficulties at school for being gay and wanting to become trans, but that’s a whole other story that isn’t at all important. As my mom was in the kitchen preparing enchiladas for dinner she kept gazing at me “ mijo what’s wrong?” “did something happen at school?” I noticed the worried tone in her voice, the concerned frown on her face that makes me trust in her and tell her everything that’s on my mind, but that didn’t happen this time “ i’m fine ma, i’ve just been really tired today” I guess feeling “fine” is the best mask I could use right now to cover up my actual emotion “ bueno pues go start getting ready for tonight.” I went to my room so I could get ready even though as a guy that’s the simplest task for me cause all I really do is hop into some jeans, put on any kind of shirt and top it off with a flanel, after all it’s not like we would be going out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Time was flying by so fast making me more anxious than ever before, these thoughts aren’t shutting down making me feel crazy, I felt my hands and legs shaking. At this point I don’t even feel like going to dinner I’d much rather just stay home, watch a movie, and eat my depression away with some ice cream. “ Carlos come on, we gotta go” Allison was grunting as she pulled my arm in order to get off the couch “ Allison I don’t wanna do this” I whispered. “Carlos stop being a baby, you can't hide forever at some point they're going to end up figuring it out and trust me it wouldn't take long for them to notice so, get off that couch and build up that courage cause we're leaving.’ You won't want mom to get Beto right?” God Allison can really act like a mom sometimes and she's younger than me which makes it sad. “Fine I'll go I guess, jeez.” “Y no me des esa actitud” Allison said while doing her sassy snap. Although some say she’s bossy, sassy, girly and what not she really isn't that way. Allison is the best sister I could ever have, I love her the way she is just like she loves me the same way. When we arrived to auntie's the smell of posole filled her apartment, the smell was delicious I could taste the posole already, oh man I hope and pray this dinner doesn't go bad. “Vaya hasta que aparecen” exclaimed aunt Elenor as she went to greet us with her warm hugs that filled me with so much joy and relief “mijo” she whispered “ I know you can do this’ remember let the world know who you want to be” she started her way to the kitchen to start serving plates of posole for each one of us. From every corner of the room you could hear laughter from the great time we were spending together that I totally forgot about my worries. “Crap..” I thought to myself. How am I going to tell them? I had no clue how I was supposed to tell my parents about this…”ma” everyone at the table turned their attention to me making my heart race so fast It felt as I just finished running a marathon “ what do you think about gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people?” ok that wasn’t so bad “ why do you ask?” my mom raised her brow making me feel more nervous “ I’ve just been really curious about what you and dad think about that topic since we’ve never actually talked about those kinds of things.” This is probably the best way I could start this conversation. “ Ay mijo you and your things I swear” “please ma I just wanna know” “ fine, I don’t mind that kind of people and the way they want to live, but I hope you and Allison don’t become one of them or else from there on you’ll no longer have a mother or father period.” Her tone became serious and scary “ well Allison isn’t one of them but…” my breathing got heavy “ but what?’ Carlos answer me!” “Valeria don’t yell at him!” my dad exclaimed, I began to tear up “ lo siento ma…” the knot in my throat grew bigger and bigger, tears rolled down my cheeks continuously “ I’m not the son you wanted, I’m sorry I wasn’t what you expected me to be, I’m sorry I disappointed you...I’ve been hiding my true identity in this apartment since 7th grade, tia and I would do makeup together, I would try on dresses and wigs...ma..pa, I've been planning to tell you this for a long time now but I never built up the courage to do it...I want to become a gi-” “CÁLLATE!! Carlos ya no más” “Valeria vamos he's your son you can't act this way towards him, you should’ve seen the emotions he had to face in order to finally tell you and Alberto about his sexuality” “ Elenor just be quiet already! How dare you not tell me about all this before?” “well it’s not like your reaction would’ve been different either way so, what would’ve been the point?” “ Las dos se calman ya!” I heard my dad exclaim in a way that I never heard before. Breathing became difficult making me gasp continuously for air, I became unconscious about the situation, tears kept on dripping down my cheeks, I felt numb all over, in other words it felt like I was on autopilot. “Carlos?’Carlos?! Oh no...Carlos look at me!” I saw Allison, I could hear her but my breathing is not stabilized “ Carlos, calm down breathe through the nose” everything around me became blurry, my vision became poor, the last thing I remember is falling onto the carpet of aunties living room.

I woke up looking at a white ceiling, on the right side of the room I saw Allison sleeping on a bed by a big window, on the left side I saw three familiar suitcases. Why are those suitcases here? I thought. No the real question here is why am I in a damn hospital... “ Oh, great you’re awake, your sister was very worried for you” oh my, the nurse that came in was so handsome! “ I bet she was...how long have I been in this hospital for?” “ well you stayed in coma for two weeks but it's such a relief you've woken up” “who has been coming in to visit me during these couple of weeks?”  I asked while the the nurse changed my IV “well..your aunt came in every day in the afternoons to check up on you and your sister since she refused to leave you alone we set up that bed in case guests preferred to stay the night with a patient, your dad visited at least three times a week to bring Allison food and of course to check up on you.” “What about my mom? Did she visit me?” I looked over at the nurse “she came in only once to drop of these suitcases” I could not hold in my tears any longer. After all she really does want me away from her...I never really expected life to have this in stock for me. What else would be awaiting for me after this situation? I always believed that the love of a mother was unconditional no matter what decisions the child made as long as they were for their own good, my own mother kicked me out of the house for choosing to be myself, but isn’t that what people always say? Be yourself, Love yourself, don’t care about what others say about you, let haters hate but remember to always pick yourself up to show that you have no shame for being who you are, decide who you want to be but remember to prove the people that have underestimated you all along that all they said about you was wrong because you have become a better person. Depression hit me like a truck during the last three months of 9th grade all the way through 10th grade. My mother has left me and Allison with aunt Elenor in the new house she bought during 10th grade which wasn’t the best year for  for me since I began to harm myself. I understand that harming yourself won’t fix anything, instead the scars being made will just remind you of the past, a past that won’t go away, a past that has no remedy, a past that you decided not to forget is now stuck forever like a tattoo. However pasts can’t hide forever if you cut them on your skin like paper. 15 pasts on this skin that I used to see as paper stay within me. As years went by mom wouldn’t bother to visit us, she wouldn’t show up on christmas, christmas eve, new years, new years eve, halloween, cinco de mayo, but the worst of all she would never show up on my birthday, she wouldn’t even send a happy birthday letter, money, a gift or even just a chunk of charcoal.

Papa,however became proud of me for the way i’ve  grown up, he even promised that once I turn 18 he will come with me to change my name from Carlos Cortez rosa to Carolina Cortez rosa which was the name i’ve been using for 2 years now. ”Tia?” I asked while braiding my hair that has grown all the way to my lower back “ que paso mija” she was knitting a purple blanket that Allison has been wanting from stores but my aunt told her that she can make the blanket bigger and better “ do you think mom will come to my graduation tomorrow?” I’m seventeen now, it’s been four years since I last saw my mom, I really hoped to someday see her or talk to her again even if it’s just for 2 minutes “ I’m not sure Carolina, but I can always give her a call if you want” “ yes please, but tia can you pass the phone to me this time?’ I just want to try and talk to her on my own...please?” aunt Elenor then gave me one of her smiles with a nod “ okay, I’ll see what I can do.” “ Carolina!” I heard Allison yell from her room, quickly I got off the couch and rushed to her bedroom “ Wha-what happened’ are you ok?!’ did something happen to you?” she just began to laugh “ oh Carolina i’m okay I just need help with this math problem” “ oh my gosh you freaking scared me’ don’t do that again, next time just come over to me and ask don’t just yell out my name jeez one of these days you’re gonna give me a heart attack” “ okay fine i’ll stop doing that but please just help me with this problem.” While I was helping Allison with her homework aunt Elenor came in the room with her cellphone signalling that it was a good time for me to talk to my mom so, I stood up immediately and walked over to my aunt “ Valeria please just let her talk to you okay?” my hand began to shake as I held the phone to my ear “ bu-bueno” my voice sounded shaky as I began to speak “ Carolina?” my heart raced from the joy of hearing my mother’s voice “ ma! I-i’m so happy right now, it’s been so long since I saw you or heard you’ how have you been? Are you coming to my graduation tomorrow?” tears of happiness began to flow “ yes Carolina I’ll be attending your graduation tomorrow and I hope you attend the graduation party I organized for you as well.” “ you organized a party for me?! Ma muchas gracias I can’t wait to finally hug you and see you” “ I’ll see you tomorrow then oh and tell Allison que se porte bien okay?’ you do that as well” “ I will...ma te quiero” my voice cracked a bit when I said those words “ yo tambien te quiero mija.” When the call ended I screamed from joy “Tia! Tia! She's going she's actually going to my graduation and she even organized a party for me!” “That's such great new mija!” Tia and I hugged each other in joy. While lying on my bed I thought about the graduation ceremony, going on stage to receive my diploma, seeing my mom and being able to hug her after four years of not having any kind of contact with her even though I've been having a phone since 11th grade but both my aunt and dad didn't give me her number because they thought things would worsen. In a couple weeks I would be turning 18 which means I would be changing my name soon and from there on I’ll be able to start a better life for myself and the people I care for so I can also prove those people who have looked down at me all along that they were wrong about me. “Carolina wake up you have to start getting ready” today was finally the day I would be seeing my mother so, I did my morning routine that included eating breakfast, showering, skin care, makeup, pop on some fake lashes and glue this curly brown wig down. When I arrived to school all the seniors wore their purple graduation robes and their graduation hats. The ceremony was long but it was totally worth it, now I am a student that had graduated high school and was ready to start a life that will inspire others to become confident in themselves “Carolina over here!” Allison waved at me so I could head towards there direction by the bleachers. I saw my aunt holding a bouquet of pink roses, my dad held a teddy bear saying “ congratulations”, Allison was just... hugging me like never before when I suddenly noticed her, wavy hair, long striped dress, eyes that reminded me of a sunny morning, my mom “ mama!” I hugged her without hesitation wishing time would freeze just for a while longer. Before heading to the graduation party my family and I took pictures to capture this moment I will always remember . At the graduation party everyone was having a great time there was laughter, smiles, jokes, presents, cake and happiness in general “ okay attention! Atencion por favor!”  everyone at the party became silent and turned their attention to my mother “ quiero hacer un brindis for Carolina here to congratulate her for graduating from high school even though she has faced many difficulties because of me…” she paused for a while trying to clear her throat and hold in her tears “I kicked her out of my house for disagreeing on the person she wanted to become which is something a mother should never do to their children no matter what. A mother should always support their children to become the person who they desire to become, a mother should love their children and not discriminate their decisions if it serves a good purpose for their future.’I haven’t seen Carolina for four years, but I wanted to amend those years lost from here on. Carolina,I understand it would be hard to forgive me for the things i’ve made you go through, I didn’t organize this party to impress you or anything like that. I organized this party because I wasn’t able to find the best opportunity to see you once again and ask for your forgiveness so, what better day than your graduation. Your dad told me everything about the life you had to carry because of me I hope you can forgive me after all these years of being apart from each other. Anyway cheers to Carolina and congratulations mija.” “ CHEERS!” everyone hollered out. I consider myself a cry baby sometimes because I get emotional easily and I hate it but hey, it’s my graduation and my mother showed up in my life once again after four years so I have the right to cry today.

Ever since that night my mother and I amended the time we had lost together and now  she supported me and my decisions unconditionally just like the rest of my family, she was there with my dad when I received my licence,she was there when I changed my name, she was there to see me triumph with my youtube career, all my family members were there to take care of me surgery after surgery to complete my transition. I have a total of 12 surgeries but now I indeed became the person I aspired to be, an inspire to many people, people who are coming out of the closet, people who need a boost of confidence and self esteem, people who are suffering from depression, well you get the point here right? I’ve accomplished being able to collaborate with makeup companies, with famous people, i’ve been to fan meet and greets. I honestly couldn’t ask for more because this is all I ever wanted. My name is Carolina Cortez Rosa and this is the person I became after 23 years of passing through obstacles. This is who I am.