Violet’s Mother

The look on her face when Mrs. Thomas saw Violet lying dead on the ground. It was the most devastating thing anyone could’ve seen.

But why? She thought. She was so happy this morning… what happened?

Violet’s mother stared at the funeral invitation.

She had been too sad to put any effort into the funeral planning. Her baby girl was gone. The miracle baby, that the doctors thought she wasn’t going to make it overnight, but she did. The miracle baby. The Thomas’ had a miracle baby. That was gone.

Her baby.

The miracle baby, who had survived the night, who they thought wouldn’t live, but did, killed herself. She should’ve been dead, but she wasn’t. The universe thought she was too good to lose, so it gave her a second chance, and she wasted it. How many people have a second shot at life? Not many. Violet did. And she wasted it. She hurt her family. Her mother. Her friends, teachers, neighbors. But most of all, herself.

Her life.

She injured her life to the point of no return.

Her life couldn’t have possibly gotten any better. Her parents loved each other and her to death, there was always food on the table, and she was overly spoiled.

“We’re going to investigate her case for a while, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,” the policeman had said. “We’re going to question people at her school, her taxi driver, the bus driver. We will get to the bottom of this.”

Victoria wasn’t really present anymore. All she could think about was how stupid she must have been as a mother to have a daughter that was in such deep depression that she ended up jumping off a freaking cliff. How could she have not noticed? There must have been little signs she wasn’t paying attention to. If she would’ve noticed, maybe she could’ve stopped Violet from doing that. She knew it wasn’t her fault, but she couldn’t help but to blame herself of what happened to her precious first born daughter.

The drive home from the police station was short, but felt long with the silence that hung in the air between Victoria and her husband. Her husband hadn’t really spoken to her since everything happened. Victoria was taking it much, much worse than her husband because she had always been so much closer to violet. Her dad was always working, and her mom was a stay at home mom, so Violet always came to her mother when she needed something. They told each other everything, and they knew each other better than anyone, or so Victoria thought.

If Violet and Victoria were so close, then why on earth would Victoria not be able to recognize when her daughter was no longer happy? Was she just so distracted trying to make her relationship better with Andrew (Her husband)? Or was she busying herself by helping her younger kids with all their little kid problems, while her oldest daughter was slowly becoming a depressed person, and then ended up killing herself?

Was she that bad of a mother? Were her other children going to be the same situation, and she not notice?

What kind of a mother was she?

Every other mother in the world is able to bring a child into the world normally; and yet, Victoria’s body couldn’t handle it. That was the first thing that was wrong with her. Her daughter almost died that night because of her. Second, every other mother was able to keep their children happy and stable. But she wan’t. For some reason, Victoria was stupid and slacked off and she didn’t pay attention to the child who really needed the help in the family; instead, she was focusing on how to help her younger children learn how to make bracelets, or something else that didn’t matter nearly as much as a mental child who was planning on killing herself.

And Victoria stupidly let it happen.

“It’s not your fault, Vic,” her husband said, quietly. “You do realize that, right? It was her choice. I don’t think we would’ve been able to stop her even if we did know about it.”

She nodded, warm tears sprouting and leaking down her face. She wiped them away quickly; she couldn’t break down. She had to be strong for her husband and kids. She couldn’t break down at the mention of Violet’s name and she definitely couldn’t break down in the event of the kids asking questions; they had been staying at their grandparents house while Andrew and Victoria took care of all of the legal stuff, and Victoria had asked her mother to please not answer any of the kid’s questions; she wanted to do something right in this whole messed up situation by answering the questions herself.

“I miss her so much, Drew,” Victoria said, quietly. “I feel like my world is crumbling down on me and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Andrew reached over and took hold of her hand and gave it a tight squeeze, tears forming at the corners of his eyes as well. “I just… feel like I could’ve helped her if I had paid more attention to what was standing right there; right damn in front of me.” she sighed, feeling helpless and hopeless; two emotions that had consumed her life more in the past couple of days than in her entire life. “I mean, there’s so much I could’ve done, but I didn’t because I’m stupid. I was so, so, so stupid!” at this point, Victoria no longer cared about being strong around her husband; she needed to cry. She was sobbing, letting everything out that had been stuffed inside for almost a week.

Her husband pulled to a stop in Victoria’s mother’s driveway and leaned over the gearshift to hug Victoria.

“Shhh… It’s going to be okay, Vic. You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” He kept repeating the words to not only reassure Victoria, but to reassure himself. The truth was, her husband was suffering just as much as she was, he just didn’t let it show in order to protect Vic. He loved her more than life itself, and he wanted her to be more okay than him.

He planted a kiss on her cheek, and they walked inside the house, hand in hand.

Victoria sighed, and opened the front door; that familiar squeak never caught her off guard until today. She breathed in a shaky breath, and stepped inside.

She and Andrew walked into the living room, where her mother and children were waiting. Her six year old daughter, Claire, looked up from her coloring book.

“Mommy!” she gasped, rushing up from her spot on the floor to hug her mother. Victoria kneeled down and hugged her tight, wanting to keep her for as long as she could. Claire pulled back. “Where’s Vi?”

The words Victoria had been dreading since she thought about how she was going to explain what had happened. Did she tell her kids the truth, that their sister had jumped off a mountain, or was she to tell her that a terrible accident had happened? Staring down into the bright hazel eyes that were an exact replica of Victoria’s husband’s, she wanted to bring back Violet more than anything; for her kids, for her husband, for Violet’s other friends and family. Victoria sighed, and looked into the eyes of her six year old daughter and said “Violet… Violet passed away, honey. In a tragic accident.” Though Victoria knew very well that it hadn’t been an accident, she couldn’t bring herself to tell her youngest daughter who probably loved Violet more than anyone (besides Victoria, of course) what had actually happened. Claire jumped into her mother’s arms, sobbing into her shoulder.

“I love you, Claire. I’m so sorry, sugarbear,” Victoria whispered into Claire’s ear, stroking her fluffy golden ringlets of hair. Claire sniffed.

“I drew a picture for her,” Claire said. “I thought she was going to be here when you guys came to pick us up.”

This made Victoria’s heart ache so, so much.

Come back, Violet. Please, come home to your family.

***

The drive home was full of quietly sobbing children. They probably didn’t want to upset their mother, but there was really no escaping the sorrow that came along with losing a beloved family member. Victoria wanted to comfort her children, but she was afraid that she’d break down. So the children remained silent in spite of their need, and planned to ask their father questions later.

They pulled into the driveway of their house. Victoria opened the car door, and went inside the house. She was quickly followed inside by her other three children. Well, two children. Her husband would have to take their infant, Genevieve.

Her ten year old son walked into the house behind her.

“Is it really true, mom?” He said. His name was Jonathan, and he was the most intelligent out of all the children. (They were all very smart, but he put more work into his studies, and the other kids didn’t study math textbooks for fun. This, apparently, was his definition of the word “fun”.) “Is it true that Vi’s dead? Or was that just Claire making up stories again?” Victoria sighed, and nodded.

“It’s true, my dear,” Victoria said. “I’m so sorry. It was a tragic accident.” Victoria didn’t feel comfortable with telling Jonathan the truth either. He was too young to know the truth about his older sister.

Jonathan’s eyes welled with tears as he scurried up the stairs. He was never one to show his emotions in front of anyone else, especially if the emotions weren’t happy. Victoria sighed, and collected Genevieve from Andrew’s arms. Genevieve was awakened when she was moved from her father’s arms- so she began to cry softly. Victoria walked into her bedroom and sat in the rocking chair and began to rock Genevieve slow and steady. When Genevieve didn’t go to sleep after around ten minutes, Victoria began to sing softly to her- the lullaby she had sung to each of her children when they were infants.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away. The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head, and cried. I’ll always love you, and make you happy, if you will only say the same. But if you leave me to have another, you’ll regret it all someday. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away. In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me. When I awake, my poor heart pains. So when you come back, and make me happy, I’ll forgive you and take all the blame. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.” Victoria tried really hard to keep her voice steady while singing, but she couldn’t bring herself to the point of being able to remember Violet without crying horribly. She began to sob quietly, and she had just gotten the baby to sleep, so she put Genevieve down in her crib, and walked out of the room. She walked into her bedroom, where her husband was quietly sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. She walked over to him, and sat down next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder.

“I love you, Andrew,” Victoria whispered, quietly. “Always have, always will. No matter the circumstance.” He looked up at her with a thank you in his eyes.

“Right back at you,” he said, smiling slightly. He grabbed her hands, and they stayed in this position for a very long time.

***

The next morning was chaotic.

None of the children wanted to go to school, and they all had their different reasons, but Victoria knew the real reason behind fighting their normal morning routines: they were still really sad about Vi, and of course it made perfect sense. But Victoria didn’t really feel like fighting today. She hadn’t gotten much sleep, between her recurring nightmare about Vi, and the baby screaming all night. Usually, when she screamed like this, Violet came into the room and took her out of there; Violet had severe insomnia. She usually didn’t get more than five hours of sleep a night, and she hadn’t grown out of it like the pediatrician said she would. But Victoria didn’t think twice about it. She just let the screaming be stopped by a soothing Violet that brought her into the kitchen and made her a warm bottle of baby formula and rocked her for hours and hours until she fell asleep. Victoria never even said thank you. And she hated herself for it.

When she walked into Claire’s room to wake her and begin with the morning preparations, she tried to wake her up, but Claire wouldn’t move, which was very unlike her. She usually wanted to be the first out of bed so she could help make breakfast with Violet, but today, she just grumbled and rolled over. Victoria sighed, and left the room, giving her a few more minutes. She walked into Jonathan’s room. Jonathan had the exact same response as Claire. He was usually difficult to wake up, but not nearly as difficult as this. Victoria had just given up; they could miss a day of school. It didn’t really matter anyway. It was the second to last week off school; If they didn’t show up until the next semester started, she didn’t think anyone would care. It’s elementary school; if you missed a month, that would be a reason to get angry, but ten days? Victoria thought that between the two of them, they had only missed around three days of school this year, so it’s fine.

Victoria went downstairs to start the coffee. Her husband had just woken up; she could hear the clumping of his feet from across the entire house. She poured the coffee in Andrew’s mug, and went into their bedroom and set it down while he was taking a shower. She went back into the kitchen, poured herself a cup, and walked into the living room to watch the news. Her attorney said there might be something about Violet on today. She sat there, watching the news, and then she decided it wasn’t worth it. She clicked off the TV, and just sat there, staring at the black screen. She didn’t realize she started crying until a tear dropped onto her sweatpants. She quickly wiped it away when she saw Claire coming down the stairs, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.

“Mommy?” Claire asked quietly. “ I miss Violet.” She climbed onto her mother's lap, and wrapped her arms around Victoria's neck. Victoria stroked her hair.

“I know baby,” Victoria said. “ I know.” Claire began to cry softly.  

“What happened to  her, mom? Did someone murder her?”   Victoria sighed, and looked into the eyes of her melancholy daughter. But could she tell her the truth? Could she even handle it? Victoria decided yes. Claire would be angry with her if she didn’t tell her. Maybe not now, but definitely when she was older. Victoria sighed again, and brushed the tangled hair out of Claire’s eyes.

“Sweetheart… when people are very sad, there’s something that goes wrong in their heads that make them want to do things… that aren’t always best for everyone else or themselves. Violet hurt herself until she passed away, because she was so sad. I don’t know why she was so sad, and if I knew I would tell you.” Claire looked at her mother with wide eyes, and burst into a fresh set of tears. She cried for a while, and then looked up at her mom, and sniffed.

“I’m okay now, mommy,” She said, smiling slightly. Claire stood up from her mom’s lap, and went upstairs. Victoria just sat in silence once again, and about ten minutes later, Claire came back downstairs, dressed with her hair brushed and teeth freshly cleaned. She smiled at Victoria.

“I’m ready for school, mommy,” Claire said. Victoria just stared at her.

“Honey, I thought you might want to take it easy today.”

“No,  I want to go,” she got the way she did when she wasn’t going to change her mind. Victoria sighed, slipped on her shoes, and grabbed the car keys my the front door.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Victoria asked. “Let’s go!”

The drive there was mostly silent, except for the mumbling of Claire as she mumbled, “Love you, mommy,” and jumped out of the car, walking inside.

Victoria drove home in silence, the car radio off. She spent a lot of time thinking about the laundry and Violet’s room; she couldn’t just stay out of there forever. The room was a mess, and the dirty laundry was overwhelming. She couldn’t just leave it like that for much longer. Victoria finally made the decision as she pulled into her driveway. She was going to clean Violet’s room. Right now. She slipped off her shoes, and marched up the stairs with a look of anticipation on her face. She stood right in front of Violet’s closed bedroom door, sighed, and twisted the door handle. She was surprised to find that the room looked exactly the same as the last time she was in it, the day Violet died.

It was morning time, and Victoria was sick of her daughter being almost late to school; no matter if she had an alarm or not, Violet would never wake up without Victoria pleading her and then finally threatening to take away her books if she didn’t get up. Victoria practically ran up the stairs, and marched straight into Violet’s room. She flicked on the light and ripped the covers off of Violet’s bed, getting a low grumble from Violet in response. She rolled over and grumbled some more, and then fell back asleep into a peaceful slumber. Victoria snatched Violet’s pillow out from under her head, and said,

“Violet Ayah, get your little butt out of bed or you’re going to be late for school. And if you’re late, I’m taking away all your books, magazines, articles, anything that you can possibly read for the next six months!” That did it. Violet stumbled out of bed, and crossed her arms.

“I’m up! You happy?” she asked, clearly annoyed, but smiling slightly. They stood in silence, glaring at each other playfully, until Violet picked up her pillow and smacked her mom in the stomach with it. Victoria had a look of mock surprise on her face.

“You did not just do that!” she said, picking up another pillow.

“Oh, you are so on!” Violet shouted, and they playfully had a pillow fight. Victoria told her to get dressed, and then left the room. When Violet was sure she was gone, she slipped an envelope onto her desk, under her book, addressed to “Whomever it may concern”.  

And now, everything was exactly the same, the pillows were exactly where they left them. Victoria began to clean, making Violet’s bed first, then putting all of the dirty clothes on the floor into a laundry basket. After she was finished with that, she began picking up books from all around the room and putting them on Violet’s bookshelf. Victoria was very pleased with herself when she was almost done with the books; she hadn’t shed a single tear!

Until, that is, she picked up a book on Violet’s desk, and discovered the letter under it. She opened it and read it. By the time she was finished, Victoria was on the floor, sobbing her heart out.

Claire

I didn’t really understand why my mom was on the floor of Violet’s room crying that day when I got home from school, because she refused to tell me or show me that piece of paper that was now wet and the ink was smudged. I decided it wasn’t worth the fuss of trying to get it out of her; because I was one hundred percent sure that I wouldn’t be able to get it out of her.

I knew the whole family, and me, were going to be very sad for the next couple of months, maybe even for a few years. I had no idea the sorrow would last this long, though. To the point where it would kill my mother.

After about a year and a half after Violet died, my mother stopped with her diet. She began eating what she wanted, and she ate more than she used to. She put on a lot of weight, and we couldn’t get her to stop. She’s been gone for almost three years, even though it feels like ten years and ten days at the same time. Crazy how time passes without you realizing it went, isn’t it?

I didn’t know what that piece of paper that broke my mother’s heart until right after she died. I was going through some of her stuff with Genevieve and Jonathan, and we found a box under her bed that was labeled Violet’s things. We all opened it together, and inside was a bunch of things that we were all happy about; Jonathan found her small encyclopedia she used to carry around pretty much everywhere, Genevieve found the necklace that Violet used to wear. I did some digging, and found the piece of paper that mom was crying over fifteen years ago on the floor of Violet’s room. I picked it up, shock all over my face. I looked at Jonathan and Genevieve, and they weren’t paying any attention to me, so I opened it.

After reading it, I teared up, and pressed it close to my chest.

“I love you, Violet,” I whispered. “Always have, always will.”

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