“Evan, you’re twenty minutes late! Where were you, Matt’s not in yet and Emma called in and said she couldn’t make it!” I jumped as the voice of my boss came booming from behind me, I knew that I was going to have to tell him about her.

“Sorry, I was late, Mr. Smith, I haven’t told you this, but my mom has cancer and she had chemo yesterday. The chemo treatments make her sick sometimes so I was trying to help her before I left but I lost track of time.” Mr. Smith’s face softened and it almost looked as though tears were shimmering in his eyes. I turned away so that he wouldn’t see my own tears gathering in my eyes. I blinked quickly and turned back towards him.

“I’m sorry to hear that Evan, why didn’t you tell me before though?” I wasn’t really sure myself why I hadn’t told him, so I just said, “well, I know that the restaurant has been super busy for the last few months so I didn’t want to bother you.”

Mr. Smith looked down at the floor and said, “I’m sorry that I haven’t exactly been present for the last couple of months you’re right it has been busy, now why don’t you get to work and hey could you call Matt and see what’s taking him so long.” I registered the last part and realized that when I walked in he had said that Matt wasn’t there yet, that was a little strange.

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“Sure, Mr. Smith.” I went into the vacant, back office and sat down in the faded black office chair that puffed a cloud of dust out when I sat down, I pulled my phone out and my background made me smile. It was a picture that we had taken a couple of weeks ago, Matt and I were standing side by side and then Matt’s sister Emma or Em as we called her, was sitting on our arms. I dialed Matt’s number but it went straight to his voicemail without ringing. That never happened, I thought maybe he had left his phone at home or just turned it off but just to be sure I dialed Emma’s number next. I heard her say “Hey, Evan, what’s up,” after a few rings.

“Hey, Em, did Matt leave for work yet because he’s not here and the boss is looking for him.” I tried to make my voice sound like I wasn’t panicking a little bit inside but I don’t think I did a great job.

“Yeah, he left like thirty minutes ago, he’s not there yet though, well where is he?” I could hear worry slipping in her voice as she spoke.

“I’m not sure, but let’s hope he gets here soon, if he does I’ll call you right away alright, and Em it might not be a bad idea to say some prayers, this isn’t like Matt at all.” I hung up the phone and sat there twirling for a few minutes before getting up and getting to work.

Twenty minutes passed, then thirty and I just kept looking at the door hoping to see Matt’s face walk through it, this was not typical behavior of Matt to be late and if he had left in time to make it to work the only question left is: where is he now?

5 more minutes went by and then I felt my phone ringing in my pocket, I yanked it out of my pocket, didn’t so much as glance at the caller ID, and immediately said, “Dude, where are you? You’re like an hour late for work.” Then I heard sobbing coming from the other end, I peeked at the name on the caller ID and when I saw that it was Emma my stomach sank. “Em, is everything alright, what’s wrong?” I asked trying to keep my voice calm and even.

“I-i-t-s M-a-tt, he-’s go-ne, E-v-a-n,” her voice was shaking which made it almost impossible to hear her, but I heard what she said loud and clear. I sank to the floor and just started to cry unmanly sobs. The customers in the restaurant turned to look at me but I didn’t even care after all they hadn’t just heard that their best friend had died.

“Emma, where are you now? I asked in between sobs.

“I’m at home, the police took me to the scene to say goodbye to him and then dropped me off back here, but Mom and Dad aren’t back yet, would you mind coming over?”

“I was coming over there whether or not you asked me to, I don’t think we should be alone at a time like this. I’ll be there right away.” I hung the phone up and slowly gathered myself to my feet.

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I walked with heavy feet towards Mr. Smith’s office to tell him the news, I knocked on the door and heard the familiar call telling me that it was okay to come in. As soon as I stepped in the room, Mr. Smith knew something was wrong. “Mr. Smith, I need to leave right now, I’m sorry to leave you shorthanded, but Matt passed away and I need to be with Emma.” It was hard to get the words out of my mouth as tears ran down my face. Mr. Smith looked shocked, then he slowly sunk into his chair with disbelief written on his face. He said,“I can’t believe it, he was just here yesterday and nothing was wrong, he’s really gone, yes go right away, you and Emma need to be together right now.”

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I gathered my coat and keys, jumped in the car, and headed straight to the house where I had made so many memories in the past. I pulled into their driveway and just sat there for a few minutes trying to gather myself before I went to meet Emma. I got out of my car and walked up to the front door, it opened right away and Emma came running out into my arms. We both held each other and sobbed. Finally, we broke apart, we headed inside and Emma told me about how the police came to tell her and how she went to see him. “It was awful, Evan, he was just lying there, covered in blood, but looking so peaceful.” My heart went out to Em, we had always been like siblings, the three of us, and for her to go and say goodbye to him alone must have been heartwrenching.

“I can’t believe he’s gone, I just called him earlier to talk about the lacrosse game tomorrow, now he’s gone and I’ll never get to see him again.” My words faltered off as I spoke and I just sat there unsure what to do. Emma came over and sat down next to me and we sat there just holding on to each other in silence taking this horrible news in. “What are we going to do, Em, how are we going to get through this?” I whispered into the darkness. “We’ll get through it together, we were always together, the three amigos right, now we’ll just have to manage with the two of us, I won’t let you go through this alone.” Emma said in the steadiest voice I had heard from her since she delivered the news to me.

“I would never let you go through this alone either, we need to be there for each other.” I spoke in an equally steady voice. We sat there as the darkness quickly approached. “It’s just us, Em, we’re both going to be lost in the dark for awhile because Matt was a light to both of us, now that the light has died, we need to become lights for each other.” I choked as tears started to flow down my face again, I could tell that Emma had started crying again also. I turned and gave her a hug, then we heard a car door shut outside. This was going to be that moment in your life that you just want to run away from, but there’s no running away from this. This pain will be a part of me for the rest of my life.

My name is Emma Brown, I’m sixteen years old and this is officially the hardest day of my life. I’m currently sitting outside of the church chapel which contains a coffin inside which lies the body of my best friend and brother, Matthew. I’ve never been one to deal well with pain, but pain right now is inevitable. My mind flickers back to that day, that day that my life changed forever and I allow myself to get immersed back into the memory.

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“Bye, Em, see you later, don’t forget to study for that history final,” Matthew called as he walked out the door in his work clothes with his keys jangling in his hand. Matthew and I both worked at the local Italian restaurant in town, I was supposed to work the same shift with him but I decided to stay home and study for history. My parents had gone out for their anniversary dinner so I had the house to myself. I climbed the stairs to my room, got my books out of my backpack and set them down on my light grey desk. I walked over to my navy nightstand and realized that I had left my earbuds down on the kitchen counter, so I went to go grab them when I heard sirens scream past out house which caused the windows to rattle. Wow those sirens have been busy lately, I thought to myself. I went back up to my room and settled down at my desk ready for a fantastic study session. I was about 30 minutes into studying when I realized that my phone was ringing, I looked at it and saw that it was Evan, Matt’s best friend. We had a whole conversation which proved to be more and more confusing to me. After he had hung up, I sat there thinking about what he had just said, that Matt wasn’t at work, that was strange. I had been at it for about an hour when I heard a car door shut outside my window, a knock at the front door followed the knock a few seconds later. I raced down the stairs taking them two at a time, eager to see who it was. I was hoping that it was the delivery man with a package with my new maroon bedspread in it. I opened the door and was shocked when I saw two police officers standing there with a grim expression on their faces. My mind instantly went to my parents, but before I could ask them what happened, the female officer asked if they could come in. I stepped aside letting them walk in, we stood there in silence for a minute before the male officer asked if my parents were home. My thoughts instantly started racing, oh no what happened to Matt. I cleared my throat and in a feeble voice told them, no they were out for dinner and weren’t back yet. They asked me a few more questions with the final one being what’s your name. I told them I was Emma Brown. “Well, Emma, there’s no easy way to tell you this, Matthew has been involved in a car accident, his car skidded on some black ice and he hit a tree dead on. There was a witness who saw it happen and they called 911, but by the time the paramedics got there, he was gone. I’m sorry, Emma, but Matt didn’t make it.” I felt as though the voice that was talking to me was a thousand miles away, my body refused to do anything. I stood rooted in place, shock running through my body. I couldn’t believe it, he had just walked out the door a little over an hour ago saying that he was going to see me later, but now there’s not going to be a later. My best friend was gone, there would be no more prank gifts for my birthday, no more teasing competitions, and most of all no more bear hugs from him. I was in so much shock that I couldn’t even cry, but I had decided on one thing, that I needed to go and say my final goodbye to him. My mouth felt so dry as I spoke, but I managed to get the words out of my mouth. “I want to go see him, I need to say one final goodbye.” The officers exchanged an apprehensive glance at each other and looked as though they were going to refuse, so I added “please, he was my best friend.” The officers agreed reluctantly and drove me silently to the scene of the crash. The remains of his car were twisted almost into a circular ball, the sight of this instantly made my stomach tighten. I saw the stretcher illuminated with the lights of the ambulance, it was covered with a white sheet. I walked towards it knowing that I was going to see my brother lying peacefully underneath of it, I was dreading the feeling of seeing him, but I was determined to do this. I peeled back the sheet and saw his handsome face covered in a blanket of blood. The sight of this just triggered me and hot tears came racing down my face. I bent down to him and gave him a kiss on his head, as I lifted up my head I whispered, “you were my best friend and the greatest brother, I will never forget you, I love you so much.” I turned around and ran sobbing back to the police car which took me back to my house. I dialed my phone and said in a sobbing tone, “Evan, I need you to come to the house,”

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All of a sudden I was jolted out of my memory by footsteps approaching me. I felt someone sit down in the vacant space next to me, turn towards me, envelop me in a hug and just start sobbing. The familiar scent of licorice mixed with the salty tears running down my face allowed me to recognize the person who was hugging me. It was Matt’s best friend Evan. This was the day that I knew that everyday forward would be filled with grief and pain and that life would be a lot less cheerful without Matthew Brown living in the world.

I was abruptly awoken by my alarm clock screeching in my ear, you would think that after hearing it every morning that I would get used to it, but no of course not. I forced my body into a sitting position and then reached over to grab my phone. I saw that I had a notification from my calendar app, so I opened it and saw two words that instantly made my stomach churn. Matt’s birthday. I deleted the notification because it brought way too much pain to me. I still haven’t accepted the fact that he’s really gone, it’s been a month but the pain still feels like it happened yesterday.

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We had his funeral a week after he died and it was so hard, the family had wanted me to stand with them in the receiving line, they said that I was a part of their family and that I deserved to stand with them so everyone could see that. There were plenty of people at school who came through and gave their condolences, but none of them were best friends like I was to him. Em and I had a little moment outside of the chapel while his service was going on. I had seen her slip out the back sobbing and I hadn’t been sure if I should go to her or not, but I had decided to give her some time and then I would go and check on her to make sure she was okay. To be honest at that moment I had felt like crying also but I wanted to stay strong for the family. After a few minutes had passed, I had slipped out the back and found her sitting with her back against the wall sobbing into her knees. I remember sitting next to her, turning to hug her, and starting to sob myself. We had sat there for a little while just holding onto each other. It was so hard to imagine what she must feel like since she was his sister and I was only a friend, but nevertheless we had all been close and we both were feeling the pain.

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I snapped myself out of that recollection and focused on getting ready for school after all I still had to go and try to get good grades so that I could get into Duke which was a dream of Matt and I, to say that we got to go to Duke together and play on the lacrosse team. That wouldn’t happen though, we wouldn’t even get to celebrate his birthday again, I remember last year today, Em and I had planned a party for him at the restaurant and told him that we were just going to go have a nice dinner. Once we got him there, everyone surprised him and we had a great party, this year there would be no more of that. I sat reflecting on that night and on our dream of going to Duke and I decided that it was time to start going to lacrosse practice again so that I could make it on the team. After I had heard that he had passed I had stopped going to practice because that had been where we had made the most memories and had the most fun together. The whole team had stopped going at first because he was one of those people who loved to be the clown at practices and everyone on the team loved to laugh at his jokes, but they eventually started to come slowly back to practices whereas I hadn’t.

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I picked up my phone which had started ringing. “Hello?” I asked.

“Hey, Evan, I just woke up and realized what today was, it would have been his 18th birthday, he should be here celebrating with us and finishing his senior year and getting accepted to Duke with you.” she said in a somber tone.

“Yeah, I know how you’re feeling, Em, I feel the same way, I woke and realized the same thing after that I didn’t feel like going to school but then I told myself that I need to go and I need to get good grades so that I can get into Duke and play on the lacrosse team for him, for Matt. I also decided that I’m going to start going back to lacrosse practices because I know that he would be disappointed in me if he knew that I had stopped going.” My voice quivered as I held back the tears that wanted to come out.

“Aw, Evan, I don’t think that he would be disappointed in you, I know that he would have done the same thing if it had been you that had passed. Either way, I’m proud of you. In fact, yesterday I went back to the gym for my first practice. I have three weeks before the next competition and I want to get ready, I feel like having something else to occupy my mind will be good. We both are trying to move on, it doesn’t matter whether we take baby steps or not, the good thing is is that we’re trying.” She spoke in a confident tone.

“I agree, I’m also so proud that you’ve decided to go back to gymnastics and I can tell you that I’ll be at that competition cheering just as loud as Matt used to, I know what it feels like to have someone in your corner cheering you on. Well, I better get ready for school, I’ll see you there right?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to go but after talking to you, I think I will, after all how will I get into UCLA if I don’t get good grades.”

“Alright, catch ya later, Em” I hung up the phone and realized that after all of the conversations that I have had with Emma on the phone, this one meant the most to me, we were becoming more and more like brother and sister.

My nerves are all over the place, I’ve started going back to the gym because I know that Matt would have wanted me to and it helps me to get my mind off of that since gymnastics requires a strong focus on what you’re doing. I have heard of professional gymnasts who didn’t have their mind focused on what they were doing and they severely lost the competition or injured themselves pretty badly. I’ve been going to the gym about 4 or 5 days a week and trying to remember and sharpen up the skills that softened after not be worked on for a month. My coach, Ms. Smith has been incredibly understanding and she pushes me to keep going even if I mess something up because she knows that there are going to be times where I’m not as focused as I should be.

Everyone at the gym has been really kind towards me and they all pitched in to create a gift basket for me that had some great things in it, I got a little teared up once I saw their compassion. I’m not trying to use Matt’s death as an excuse but I’m certainly not up to UCLA standards like I was before, so I know that I better focus and start working hard if I want to go to college there. My skills on the uneven bars have truly suffered one of the most, I can’t seem to get my hands placed correctly and I keep missing the dismounts. My work on vault is still up to par just like it was before and balance beam is still in progress but I had never mastered it before. But the work on floor routines has been horrible, I keep going out of bounds and messing up simple things that will get points taken off. I’m going to promise myself that I’m going to go to the gym every day this week up until the competition which is this weekend. I want to win and prove that I still have what it takes to be a great gymnast. Gymnastics is my passion in life and it’s truly been the things that has helped me get through Matt’s death and I’m incredibly thankful for that.

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I took a deep breath as I walked into the competition arena, I glanced around trying to find my parents, I found them and was surprised to see that Evan was sitting next to them. I vaguely remember him saying that he was going to come to this competition but I didn’t think that he had been serious and I know that his mom isn’t doing well and was given about a month to live so I hadn’t expected to see him. I gave a little wave and walked with my team to our first apparatus which was vault. The scoring was a little different but they gave us points based upon our difficulty and then they gave us an execution score which is out of 10. I knew that I was going to get a good score on vault and hoped that it would at least make up for my floor which I knew was going to be bad. I watched as my other teammates went and got their scores, then it was my turn so I stepped up and did my vault and then I saw my score flash on the screen, it was a great score and it put me in first for vault. I was super happy as we walked to floor which I knew was going to be the complete opposite of what I had just done, c'mon Matt, I thought to myself, help me get a good score for you and for me. I was first this time so I stepped onto the floor and tried to visualize my moves in my head, I knew that the last move was going to be nearly impossible, an Arabian Double Front. I had never perfected it before but I had come super close yesterday. The music started so that was my cue that it was show time, I started going through my movements and felt super confident. Maybe, I’ll

get a good score on this after all, I thought to myself. Then, it was time for my Arabian Double Front, I took off and went into the Arabian front and executed the first of two front somersaults, woohoo, I’m almost done, I can do this, I could win this whole thing, it all comes down to this. Then I felt something twinge and pop in my knee, I knew it couldn’t be good and the next thing I did was fall to the ground and instantly grab my knee sobbing. There was a gasp from the crowd once they realized what had happened. Thoughts were racing through my head, there’s no way that it can be superbad, I need gymnastics in my life, it’s one of the only things that helps me cope with Matt’s death, it can’t be over. Coach Smith ran over with a medical physician who was on site. The physician bent down and asked me some questions, then he said that he was going to try and help me stand up, I awkwardly got to my feet with a bunch of assistance. He asked me to put some weight on my knee, but it gave out as soon as I put the smallest amount of pressure on it. He ordered a wheelchair to be brought over so that he could get me to the hospital. He spoke in an even tone, “I think you may have completely torn your ACL along with your meniscus, which would mean that you would need surgery.” I couldn’t believe it, that would mean that I would be out of gymnastics for at least 9 months until my knee completely healed, this couldn’t be true just when I started getting back into it this had to happen. Evan came running over to me, I could see my parents jogging slightly behind him. He bent down next to me and in a gentle voice he asked, “Are you ok, Em?” I could hear the worry in his voice as he spoke almost as though he was trying to be strong for me.

“No, I’m not ok, my best friend/brother died unexpectedly, now I finally get back into something that I love and they think that I tore both my ACL and meniscus which will take at least 9 months to heal.” The words rushed out of my mouth before I stop them. I started crying and I just let the tears fall down my face.

Evan gave me a bear hug which reminded me so much of Matt’s that the tears fell even faster onto his shoulder. He released me and I could see that he was now crying also. In a shaky voice he said, “Em, I got so worried when I saw you fall to the ground, I felt so bad because everything keeps happening to you and then you get back into something that you’re so passionate about and this happens. I felt like your brother in that moment. I know that you’re going to recover from this, don’t let it beat you.”

I gave him an awkward hug back and then the physician said that the ambulance had arrived to take me to the hospital, he said that one person could ride with me and the others could follow behind it. I looked at my parents and saw my dad nod his head in approval, I looked over at Evan and said, “Will you come with me?”

“Of course, I will, Em,” he replied.

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We got to the hospital and they took me to a room where they did a bunch of tests on me such as x-rays and mris, the nurses said that it would be a little while until they could make a diagnosis, so they suggested that I just rest and try to eat something. A few hours later, the doctor came in and said that I had indeed torn both my ACL and meniscus completely and that it would require surgery. He also said, “I’m just going to say that this is one of the worst cases that I have ever seen. Now, I know that it’s painful right now but physical therapy is going to be even worse, you’re going to have to have enormous dedication and pain tolerance to deal with this, but I think that returning to gymnastics is just off the table for you.” He had a grim look upon his face when he muttered the last part. I looked at him with disbelief, I could see Even looking at me concerned.

“There are plenty of other gymnasts who have torn their ACL’s and they have returned to the sport, why can’t I?” Hot tears flooded down my face, I couldn’t accept this, I had to get back to gymnastics, it’s my life.

The doctor said, “well, like I said before, this is one of the worst tears that I’ve ever seen, and there is such a big risk of you re-tearing it once you go back to gymnastics, I don’t think it’s worth it.”

“I value, your opinion, Dr. Williams but I am going to do everything that I can to get back to gymnastics, it’s my life and I can’t live without it.” My voice sounded confident to me and that was how I felt inside, this was going to happen I know it was. I will get back to gymnastics.

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A few weeks later, the surgery was scheduled and I remember my family saying that I was going to be fine but the next thing I remember is waking up, lying in a hospital bed with my knee wrapped and propped up. My parents were sitting around me and they came over and said that the doctor said that the surgery had been a success but that there could still be some life-long things that occur. I honestly wasn’t listening to them, all I had heard them say was it had been a success.

Then, Evan came walking in the door, he immediately wanted to know how the surgery had gone, my parents filled him in while I tried to formulate how long it would take me to recover. It meant a lot to me for Evan to come and see how I was doing especially because his mom had passed away only a few days ago, he had lost two important people in his life within a matter of a few months.

A nurse came in and asked me if I wanted something to eat, I didn’t reply but instead asked when I could start physical therapy. She looked taken aback, “Normally, patients dread the thought of even going to PT, but you have to wait two weeks before you can start until then you’ll be getting around on crutches. I’m here to tell you that you’re going to be discharged in about an hour so the doctor’s going to come in and have a talk with you about what you can and can’t do.”

The doctor came in and he told us all my limitations. The thing that he stressed the most though was that there was to be no weight put on the leg and that the two weeks should be waited out not rushed. He looked at my parents along with Evan and said, “You make sure that she’s following these instructions because she could recklessly hurt herself if she rushes it.”All three of three of them nodded. I wasn’t going to do anything dumb like trying to speed up the process because I didn’t want to further injure myself, but I knew that once physical therapy started I was going to work my butt off so that I could get back to gymnastics and get into UCLA, my dream school. I was discharged later and my parents brought the car around the front of the hospital, on the drive home, I assured myself that I was going to be dedicated and I was going to this and get better. This was going to happen, the comeback was coming soon.

It’s been a long journey, I’ve only been in physical therapy for about a month and it’s been hard work, I’m still on crutches and have only began to put a little weight on it, my therapist’s name is Ms. Johnson and she said that she thinks I’ll be here for right around a year, that means that if I get finished with physical therapy and get reconditioned for gymnastics that I could potentially get into UCLA if I stay focused and work hard.

As the months progress, I can feel my knee getting stronger and stronger, I now am off the crutches and in a supportive brace putting my full weight on it. Every day at physical therapy it gets a little harder but I can feel the hard work starting to pay off. Ms. Johnson is surprised at how quickly my knee’s getting stronger and she said that if I continue to be as dedicated as I am now that in two months I could be finished. When she told me this I was elated, I couldn’t believe it, It was a miracle, Dr. Williams said that it was never going heal this quickly but it has, so as soon as I get cleared from physical therapy, I’m going to go back to the gym and slowly start to regain my skill level and continue to strengthen my knee.

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As predicted, I worked my tail off and was released from PT within two months, this was three months less time then I thought because I thought it would take me 9 months for therapy but it only took 6. I decided to wait two weeks after being released from physical therapy before I headed back to the gym. Once those two weeks were up though, it was comeback time.

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I walked into the gym and just took a moment to take it all in again, I glanced around and watched people going through the moves that I used to do in my sleep. I was sure that I would get there again, but I was prepared to have to deal with the long road that it would take. I saw Coach Smith in her office, so I walked over to her door and knocked. She peered out through the window and jumped out of her seat with excitement, she opened the door and gave me a hug. “Emma, you’re here! Are you clear to practice? Are you thinking of working to compete next month?”

The words came tumbling out of her mouth so fast, I started to chuckle, I answered her by saying, “Yup, I’m here and ready to relearn all of the skills so I can get back to where I was before. I don’t think that I’m going to want to compete next month because I honestly don’t think I’ll be ready and I don’t want to reinjure myself.”

Coach Smith looked at me and with an excited grin on her face said, “well, let’s get you on the floor so we can start doing some light exercises.”

We walked out of the office and onto the floor, we headed to the uneven bars which I figured would be the easiest to start with since there was no load-bearing components to it except the dismount. I hopped up on the bar and started to do some basics but the thrashing movement of my leg through the air sent a searing pain through my knee, I did an awkward dismount and sat on the mat just trying to bear through the pain, coach came over and asked me if I was alright, I told her that I just need to ice it for a little but that I was going to get back up on those bars and continue to work. She told somebody to grab some ice and bring it back to me, I sat with the ice on my knee for about 20 minutes and then just as I told Coach Smith, I got up and got back on the bars. My knee was still hurting but that was bound to happen the key was knowing that it hurt but continuing to go forward, and not trying to go super hard and ignoring it to the point that I injured it again.

This was the routine for a couple of days, I would go on the bars then take a break to ice and get back on them, I eventually got back to where I was before I had injured myself. Next, Coach Smith decided that we would try to do vault, this was going to be a test because you have to run at a fast pace which could kill my knee even more. Coach Smith decided that she was going to have me start at a slower pace so that I didn’t twist it. I started to run at a light run and then jumped off the trampoline, did a little bit of a flip, and then landed super awkwardly where I fell down and just clutched my knee to my chest. Coach Smith came jogging over and helped get me to a standing position, she called the facility medical assistant over to make sure that I hadn’t torn anything again. She said that I was fine, I hadn’t torn anything again, but that I should think about taking a few days off because it could potentially tear again working on strenuous activities like this everyday.

I took her suggestions to heart and spent the next few days lying low, then I returned to the gym and got back into trying vault, now I would be lying if I said that it was super easy and that I didn’t feel any pain at all. Relearning the vault was one of the hardest things in my life, but I got there. Now I’ve relearned two out of the four apparatuses that I had known before, it was now beam time.

I hopped up on the beam and tried to walk across, but slipped off because of the instability in my knee. I told Coach Smith that I was going to come in to the gym, but I was going to take a break from beam because I wanted to try and get my balance and strength back in my knee so that I didn’t slip in competition. I did a series of exercises over the course of the next few days until I felt that my knee was strong and was ready to try and learn beam again. I hopped up on the beam and walked the length of it without falling off, that alone to me was a victory. Again, I slowly got the point where I was about where I was before, there were certainly tears along the way, but the main thing is is that I got there. Finally, it was time to face the apparatus that took me out, floor. I could feel my legs shaking from nerves as I stepped on the floor. Coach had me do some simple exercises such as handstands, cartwheels, and other basics. I felt pain but it wasn’t enough to quit, she put me through some routines that I could do in my sleep, but unlike in my sleep there was a throbbing pain in my knee that told me that it was time to stop for the day.   

Throughout the following days, I practiced harder and harder and eventually got to the point where Coach Smith asked me if I wanted to try the Arabian Double Front. I was still so nervous and I had just came back after a devastating injury so I decided not to do it just yet.  Over the course of a few weeks, I had relearned all of the apparatuses all over again, I was proud of myself and I knew that Matt would have been proud of me also.

It’s been about 3 months since I relearned all of the skills and I’ve been going to the gym every day so that I can get up to par for this competition. This is a major competition that could make or break my future, there’s been rumors that there’s going to be a scout for UCLA there watching and scouting for next year’s team members. I’ve been working my tail off to get to this moment, I still have some pain in my knee but it’s more manageable now. My mom, dad, and even Evan were making the trip to watch me. It meant a lot to me for Evan to be able to come and support me, some people might think that he is trying to replace Matt but there’s no way that could ever happen he just cares about me and supports me.

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I walked out with my team to the beam apparatus which was the first one, I was first so I hopped up on the beam and prayed that my knee would hold up throughout the routine and to my pleasure it did, I completed it with a near perfect score and was first on the leaderboard, next was bars, I went through my routine with only one minor mistake that put me in second for bars. I was getting excited now, it looked as though I might be able to clench a win in my first competition back after months and months of hard work this would be amazing. Our team had a small break so I took that as an opportunity to put an ice pack on my knee. Coach Smith came over and asked, “How’s your knee holding up? To be honest with you as I was watching you out there, I wouldn’t have even known that you were out for months from tearing your ACL and meniscus, you look great, I know that Matt would have been proud of you.”

Tears pricked my eyes, Coach Smith rarely ever gave praise to anyone and for her to say that Matt would have been proud of me really got to me. I gave her a smile and said, “yeah, it feels pretty good out there, let’s just hope it holds up for floor and vault. Thank you, I’ve worked really hard for the past few months even after I was told that I couldn’t do gymnastics again, so for someone to recognize that is really great. I like to think that he would be proud of me too, it certainly would have made the journey easier with him helping me through it.” A few tears escaped and rolled down my cheeks, but I wiped them away and stood up, “it’s time for vault, I’m ready to go crush it.”

Coach Smith gave me a hug and said, “I know you’ll crush it, all your hard work will pay off.”

We walked over to vault, I stepped up and ran down the runway, I felt my feet hit the springboard, so I went into a handspring double front, then stuck the dismount, but I made a little stumble as my knee gave out a little bit. I was a little discouraged as I walked off, but I told myself that I had just had surgery on my knee and I had worked incredibly hard and for me to even be here was incredible in itself. My teammates all gave me high-fives and then surrounded me in a hug. We all broke apart smiling and walked to the final apparatus which was going to be the most challenging, floor. I currently was in second for the overall competition so I needed a good score to boost me up a spot. I saw that I was the last of my teammates to go so I sat down and tried to memorize my entire routine so that I didn’t mess it up. I knew that I was going to be able to execute almost everything, but the one move

Chapter 7: Only the Beginning: Emma

that I knew was going to be the real test was going to be the Arabian Double Front, the move that caused my ACL and meniscus to tear. I watched as my teammates dominated on the floor, my nerves increasing as they went. There was one girl left, she completed her routine with near perfection, now it was my turn.

I stepped onto the floor and waited for the music to start, I went straight into a round off followed by a split leap, I felt good about this, I continued to move to the music executing it beautifully, then it was time. The moment that could make or break it, the Arabian Double Front.

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I could see myself sticking the landing perfectly, feeling elated, and getting an amazing score that would place me in first. I could picture someone handing me my medal as I stood on the first place podium spot, grinning super wide. My parents and Evan would come over and congratulate me on how I had managed to execute it. All of my hard work for the past months would be validated. I wanted this to happen, I needed this to happen, I know that if I can execute this one move that everything will be great, I can do this. I will do this.

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I took off and went into the Arabian front and completely executed that, then I went to go into the second front somersault when I felt something twist and pop in my knee, I came crashing down on the mat, clutching my knee close to my chest. This couldn’t be happening to me, I thought to myself, after all of my hard work this is the reward I get, I love gymnastics, why does this have to happen to me again?

The medical assistant came rushing over along with Coach Smith, the assistant assessed the situation and was about to give me his diagnosis, when I said, “Just tell me right now, did I retear my ACL and meniscus?”

“Unfortunately, you did, and if my guess is correct, you’re most likely going to need surgery again.” he answered.

My mom, dad, and Evan came running over to me, Evan bent down and just gave me a hard squeeze that said everything to me. I knew that there was no way that I was going to go back to doing gymnastics again. Tears streamed down my face as I said, “This is it, it’s all over.”

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I can’t believe that it’s been close to 10 years since I retore those ligaments in my knee and my life couldn’t be any better. Back then, I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without gymnastics in it but since then I’ve realized that I didn’t have to stay away from gymnastics, just because I couldn’t do it anymore didn’t mean that I had to abandon it. I decided that I was going to become a coach at UCLA so that I could help young gymnasts both with gymnastics and just with life in general. I worked hard at that goal, knowing that it was going to be a bit of a stretch but I wanted it to happen and guess what 7 years later and I’m head coach for the UCLA women's gymnastics team. I love helping all of these women who remind me of myself because they are so passionate about gymnastics, it’s great to see them master skills when they’re having trouble with it, dedicating themselves to the sport, and just supporting one another as teammates. Now I know what Coach Smith must have felt when she was coach for our team, it’s amazing.

Right after that injury happened, I told myself that it was the end of my life because without gymnastics it didn’t seem fun anymore, but I was wrong it was far from the end, in fact it was only the beginning.