This is a collection of my final  thoughts, feelings, and memories I experienced before and during when I decided upon my fate. I will bring light to reveal the truth my parents had hidden in the dark behind their lies. If you rather stay blind from reality by being under their false assertions don’t read any further as this won’t matter to you.

10:32pm

“You shall not lie with a male as a women; it is an abomination” (Leviticus 18:22). This has been preached to me for as long as I can remember. These words would haunt my soul whispering it to me from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep at night, because I knew that if I ignored what the darkness inside of me was saying I would never be looked at the same again. I would shove the ringing reminder that I, Noah Mark Anderson the only son of the head priest of the town’s church was gay.
I remember how everyone reacted to the news; the church prayed for me that I will change, my parents hated me, and my friends did not want anything to do with me anymore. I began to hate life which was new to me because growing up I was the happiest child without any worries. That changed when the love in my heart reached out for another male.

10:39pm

Since I was twelve, my lovely father turned me into his personal punching bag.  This was the year that I was caught holding hands with another boy in the church courtyard. To be fair we weren’t discrete with our actions but at the time I didn’t realize I was committing a sin. This new feeling that was exploding inside of me like fireworks, lit up my insides with sparks of love. It wasn’t a deep love but it was a beginning. Nothing else in the entire world meant more to me than this boy.
Bryant James was his name. We went together like ice cream on a hot summer day. He was my first love and I was his however we never actually became boyfriends. Mutually, we agreed to stay as platonic friends since we were still young.
Once our secret was out we were banned from seeing each other.Not only was I banned to see him  but he ended up moving across the country due to his mom being in the military. My heart shattered into a million pieces when I knew I would never see him again. 
Since that day four years ago I haven’t heard from him.

10:57pm

My mother reacted very differently to the news than my father. It was like her mouth was sewn shut because she never talked anymore. Never has she said anything to stop my dad from: beating me until I was limp, screaming directly in my face, or forcing me to do every chore they were too lazy to do.
She watched the blood run down my face and body as she listened to every sentence that was drilled inside my brain to haunt me when I felt vulnerable. She examined the bones that poked out of my skin as if they were reaching for food when she walked in on me with a silver razor between my fingers which had carved rivers of blood down my frail arms.
She left me to my father so he could destroy any emotion and willpower inside of me.

11:11pm

I have wished for the same thing every time the clock hits 11:11. AM or PM I prayed that life would get better and that I could finally be happy one day. But the clock continues to tick as I wait for my wish to be granted upon me. Most of me has given up on this burning hope, but a small piece of my fractured soul still grasps onto this improbable desire.
So please God, all I ask is for me not to be miserable anymore and that I can be
happy once again.

11:30pm

The sight of blood use to make me nauseous when I was young but now it’s almost comforting. It shows that I am real and not a thing that can be pushed around.
My skin screams when the razor runs across it tearing up the once smooth surface. I’ve become accustomed to this feeling though as my body grows numb with every cut.
I am now an artist with my razor as my paintbrush and the the canvas is my wrist.
I paint a picture of my emotions that  tear my insides with physical pain by shredding my own flesh.
Only few have known about this habit of mine however, they didn’t care which seems to a common occurrence in my life. Whomever decides to read this you now know as well but you are too late to help.

11:48pm

Adrian Moore; he was my very first boyfriend. He was the new kid at school so he wasn’t aware that I was the biggest outcast. That’s probably why we became friends because he had no idea. Eventually...well later that day he saw firsthand the torment thrown to me during school. He actually stuck up for me when kids started to call me names and push me around. No one has ever
done that for me. Even more shocking is the fact he always had my back when someone started to mess with me. This boy really was special. Adrian lit a spark in my dark insides and it soon became a fire. The flame engulfed and incinerated the shield I built that protected me from becoming close with someone. He crossed all of my boundaries I placed but I let him.  My heart would pound against my chest creating a rhythm with the churning in my stomach when he was close to me.
These feelings grew stronger as our friendship grew but it was soon replaced by a relationship.
Adrian had asked me out one day when we were hanging out at the local park. As my heart expanded I said yes without hesitation. Thenceforth, we were inseparable. Nobody would ever take me away from him as he was now mine and I was his. Not even my parents could stop me from seeing him. Our bond ascended higher than I ever thought was possible. Life was finally the way it use to be, I’ve never felt happier in my life. That is until cancer stole my everything away from me. A year into our relationship, Adrian was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. By the time symptoms appeared it was too late for a cure. If he were to have been diagnosed just a couple months earlier he could have survived. Adrian died soon after we found out about this heart wrenching news. I visit his grave frequently but each time I go it’s always just as hard as it was the first. My heart tore into two since his death and has stayed split till now.

My dearest Adrian, we will be together soon I promise.

12:37pm

My body feels like I just took every drug at the same time. Sweat runs down my shaking body. My eyes cannot focus on my spinning walls. I cannot take in enough oxygen because my breathing is so shallow. It feels like my body is shutting down on me. I’ve been through this before however there is nothing I can do to stop it. Panic attacks have complete control over me. They appear at random and will debilitate me from my spirit to my form.
I will not let it - no I won’t let anyone have control over me ever again. I am going to live and think for myself. No longer will I hide or change who I am to please others. This world holds nothing for me anymore so my time here will come to an end. Then finally I will have eternal peace with the one I hold dearest to my heart.

12:53pm

One bottle of Advil and a disposable razor will help me find my way. Or maybe a rope so it will be done in an instant? Yes I will find a rope in the musty garage and tie a noose. A corrupt smile began to etch itself across my face. I know this is what I need to do regardless to how horrific it may seem.
I found a rope and tied the noose. Adrenaline rushes throughout my veins as I set up a chair and tie the rope to my ceiling fan. I feel no fear which supersizes me.
Everything is setup now but I have a few more things to say. This decision is half of my family’s, “friends”, and anyone else who made my life miserable. The other half is my choice because I know that I will be happier without anyone or anything to worry about.
If you have read this far then congratulations you know the truth. If you care or not it’s been told so hopefully this will be shared among everyone. Most everyone I know made my life hell so thank you for doing this to me.

Noah Anderson

“ Today, March 5th, 2017 a 16 year old boy by the name of Noah Anderson has committed suicide. He was an active member of our church and a excellent student at Silver Pine High School. We would like to reflect on why this has happened and what our community can do so this tragedy won’t happen again. So far his parents has said nothing after his death but investigators have found a note left my Noah. They will further investigate this issue. For now, treat all with kindness.”
Silver Pine County Local News station