I walk into the cafe casually and make sure no one from school is here. I go into the handicapped bathroom and lock the door behind me. I carefully take off all my makeup, wash my face and change into a pair of old sweatpants and tee shirt. I pull a dingy thin backpack from the bottom of my bag and put my bag inside it. I leave the bathroom and quickly exit the cafe when the owner is in the back. I’ve done this since I first started going to Trinity School. It’s the only way I can thrive here. It’s all about acting. I live in the Bronx. My parents are alcoholics and my dad left when I was 7. My mom is a maid during the day and then stays at bars until late at night. I never see her except briefly on the weekends. She never asks about school or how my life is going. I work as a waitress at a family-owned pizza place down the street from us. I’ve worked there since I was 12. It wasn’t technically legal so the owner payed me under the table. I would take leftover food when everyone left and take them home to to eat for the next few days. I use the little money I make to buy the right clothes and makeup to “fit in”. I wouldn’t care at all about fitting in, except in this case I wouldn’t get anywhere without it. Being head of debate team, Wendy in the school play, and all the other positions I have are decided by my classmates voting. No one would vote for me for anything if they knew I was here on a scholarship and lived in one of the worst areas of New York. People always say it doesn’t matter what people think of you, and I’m sure that’s true if you don’t want to go anywhere in life.
It’s been my aspiration in life to be a lawyer since I was twelve. I went to a poorly run elementary school and one day we had a guest speaker. They came to talk to us about college and career goals and scholarships. They said we could go anywhere we want to go if we believe in ourself. Of course that’s not really how it works. If you have either a lot of money or are willing to work your butt off every moment of every day then you can go anywhere. I clearly didn’t have any money, so working nonstop was my only option. I went to the public library every day from then on. I watched video after video on how to apply makeup, I studied every second of every day, I researched how to get a scholarship to Trinity School, and also started working as a waitress at the same time. I ended up getting into Trinity School, and ride the subway there and back every day. I’m doing great, the only problem is that I don’t have any friends, because I can’t have a real relationship with people who I can’t tell anything about my real self and everything I’ve been through. It’s hard not having a part of my life that’s real and knowing my life is all for show. I don’t really care about raising a family some day, or knowing I’ve always done the right thing. All that really matters is getting out of this place I’m living, and moving far away and never telling people about what it’s like at home, and never letting myself think about it either.

As I exit the subway the next day I make my way over to the Firefly coffeehouse and buy my usual iced coffee and bagel for two dollars (it’s the best deal around) and walk over to the public library. You aren’t allowed to eat or drink in here so I’m careful not to let her notice. I love the library's high ceilings and vast array of beautiful books. I sit down at one of the computers and am finishing up my research paper when I see an advertisement reading “ Want to talk with people who understand? Come to the weekly support group every week at 2039 Juniper Avenue ” Sure I’d love to talk to people who understand. The problem is, who really could understand. Nobody else (I’m sure) goes to a fancy private school pretending to be someone with lots of surface level friends, who really has none at all. Could they understand? Maybe. But probably not. I try to finish my paper but my mind keeps drifting back to the ad. I finally decide to print it out.
When I get home from the restaurant I waitress at I rush to my room to get my homework out of the way. I decide that I do want to go to the support group. Maybe they won't understand but at least I'll have someone who doesn't know me to talk to.
I take the subway to address on the ad  and look at the doors deciding whether I really want to go in or not. It's not that I'm nervous, I've just never talked to anybody about this before so I know when I go in and tell these people, I'll be walking out a different person-I'll be free. I take a deep breath and go through the doors.
I walk into the room down the hall and it’s your typical group counseling.  People sitting around on fold chairs and eating from a tray of cookies.
“Hi! What's your name?” A peppy lady with dark brown hair ask me. I smile and am about to say in my most confident voice that my name is Laurel Elbridge, but if I'm supposed to talk and tell the truth to these people then I should probably at least use my real name.
“Anna Brown,” I say, and smile, truly smile. I feel like I spend so much of my life saying and doing things that aren't true to me, that something about saying my normal, real name, feels very relieving.
“Ok well go ahead and take a seat anywhere you like.” She says and gives me a name tag. No one is really paying much attention to me, which is somewhat funny to me because pretty soon I'm going to have everyone's attention. They're probably going to say I've been through alot and that how amazing it is that I've turned it all around.
“Ok since you're new to the group, do you want to share your story first?”
I agree and begin to explain my life and my parents, hearing the guest speaker, working hard, getting into trinity school, and my fake life and friends. When I finally am through everybody has kind of a strange expression on their face.
“That's so awful that you don't have any family to talk to,” says a mousy looking girl with a name tag that says Jessica. “Or friends. I was bullied by this group of girls in my grade. In my opinion not having anyone to talk to is worse than anything else. You can have all the knowledge in the world, and all the power and respect, but feeling all alone makes none of it worthwhile.” I realize that she’s right. I don’t have anything if I don’t have relationships in my life with people who I trust. The rest of the afternoon is like a blur of amazing emotions. Everyone can really talk about things and it feels so good to not have to hold everything inside anymore. I get up to leave and the mousy-looking girl comes over and says,
“I think your story is so beautiful and sad. You had nothing when you were young, so you tried so hard and eventually ended up with nothing of what really matters-friendships.”
As it stands now, I only have superficial relationships. With Ainsley and Emerson, my classmates, my mom. Not anymore though. I’ve worked hard at everything in my life, and believed in myself when no one else did. I’m not going to be a lonely, reclusive person because of that. Going forward I’m going to make friendships with people like Emaline and Jessica and anyone else who will accept me and embrace me for who I really am, and the qualities that make me a good person. I’m going to be proud.