As I walk along the edge of the cliff I can’t help as a string of tears escape from my eyes. I’ve been coming here every year, on this exact day, for the past sixty years. I don’t know why I come here. I guess it’s the only place that I really feel connected to you. Some people tell me that I need to move on. Some even go as far to say that I need to forget about you, but I can’t. I can’t forget about all the times you helped me through something tragic. I can’t forget about all the advice and guidance you gave me as we were growing up. I can’t even forget the bad things. I still remember when we fought over nothing. When we claimed that we hated one another. I even remember those last days. When you stopped talking to me completely. When you couldn’t look me in the eye. I still remember seeing your wrists and being terrified. I ignored all these things and acted as if everything was alright. I told myself that you would get better, but you didn’t, did you? The memories just keep replaying in my mind. I still remember a lot of things, but most importantly, I still remember this day, sixty years ago. More tears escape from my eyes as I take the long, agonizing trip through time just before I lost everything.
I remember waking up that morning and going straight to your room, only to find it empty. Following the sound of chatter coming from the kitchen, I descended down the stairs. Standing at the stove was our mom and Grandma Ray and as usual they were arguing.

“No, you’re putting too much salt in the eggs.” Grandma shouted. “Who wants to wake up to overly salted eggs on their seventeenth birthday?” She reached over the stove and grabbed the pan full of food.
“I know what I’m doing.” Mom replied. “I’ve been cooking for Naomi and Roland for seventeen years now and I’m pretty sure I know how they like their eggs.” She reached to snatch the pan back, but Grandma had a strong grip on it and all of the contents just ended up spilling on the floor. A string of curse words flew through the air, coming from both mouths before I finally decided to intervene.
“Has anyone seen Roland?” I shouted. Both heads turned to me with annoyed looks on their faces.
“No!” they shouted in unison before going back to their argument. Not wanting to stay and witness the cat fight I headed back to my room. Things had gotten so tense since Dad moved out. With no one to keep peace with the two women, they both did everything they possibly could to outdo each other, as if our lives were some sort of competition. What they didn’t realize was that all the fighting, arguing and side choosing was really driving us all apart.
I walked into my room deciding that since I was up I might as well get dressed. Although you weren’t in the house, I had a good idea of where else you might have gone. You didn’t really leave the house much anymore. I guess it makes sense, since you don’t really have places to go anymore. In the short few months since the divorce you had managed to isolate yourself. You stopped hanging out with your friends. You stopped going to practice. You just stopped living. Everyone was worried about you, but not me. As twins we were connected to each other in every way. I would know if things got too bad, wouldn’t I?
After brushing my teeth, swiping eyeliner on my eyes, throwing on an old pair of jeans with a faded tank top and running a pick through my plumptuous afro, I headed towards the cliffs. I never really understood why you came here so much. It wasn’t a sad place at all. The high position of the cliffs gave you a breathtaking view of the ocean, while the soft breeze transferred the familiar scent of salt water and bread from the local bakery shop not to far from the area. It it actually a good place to spend time. I would recommend people come here for picnics or just to chill, all it did was remind me of all the happy times we came here with our dad. It reminded me of all the things I wanted to forget.
I found you sitting along the edge of the cliff gazing down at the violent waters below as they crashed against the rocky side. You were so focused on watching the waters, you didn’t hear me approach.
“Happy birthday!” I said gliding up to you. When you didn’t answer I plopped down next to you. “What's wrong? It’s our birthday, you’re supposed to be happy.” You still wouldn’t look at me. You just continued to stare into space. We sat there in silence for about three minutes before you finally spoke.
“Do you think he’ll at least call.” I didn’t need you to say anything more to know that you were referring to our dad.
“Why do you care? He left us, so obviously he doesn’t care too much right? Really Roland, why do you even need him when you have me to keep you company.” I elbowed you playfully trying to lighten the mood, but you continued to stare at nothing, making me feel uncomfortable. When you finally looked up at me your expression was so pained all I could do was look away. Even though we were technically identical, our looks were different in almost every way. We had the same chocolate brown eyes that matched our skin, but yours seemed to have no life in them. All they could do was reflect what they were seeing. There was nothing behind them. No emotion. No sign of the star of the football team. No sign of the boy who loved to surf. No sign of the boy who could put a smile on everyone’s face without even trying. No sign of my twin. Where did you go Roland?
“I know he left but..” You paused and continued to stare at me with somber eyes. “We’re his kids. He’s supposed to care. Just because he and mom aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean he can neglect us. It doesn’t give him the right to act like we’re not alive. He has no excuse!” I flinched as your voice grew to shout. It took you a few minutes to calm down, but then your tone became deadly serious “You know sometimes I think about that.”
“You think about what?” I asked hesitantly.
“I think about what would happen if we weren’t alive. I think about what he might feel one of us died today. Would he feel guilty? Would he cry? Would he come to our funeral and beg for us to forgive him for abandoning us?” Your gaze left me as you stared into the horizon. You looked peaceful for a few minutes as if imagining our funeral brought you so much joy and wonder. I was going to interrupt to tell you shouldn’t think like that, but then your eyes grew dangerously dark.
“Or maybe he’s so heartless that he won’t even come. Maybe he’ll just stay at home with his new girlfriend and laugh at our deaths. Maybe he’ll be happy that he doesn’t have to deal with us anymore.” I put my hand on your shoulder, trying to calm you down, but you shrugged it off and stood up. “Don’t touch me!” You shouted, pacing angrily.
I stood up too and started walking toward you. “What’s gotten into you Roland? We used to be like this.” I lifted my hand up showing two crossed fingers. “But now..” I paused choking back tears. “But now it’s like I don’t even know you. You don’t even talk to me anymore..” You turned away and started to walk back to the edge of the cliff. “See what I mean, you can’t even look at me!” Tears were running down my face uncontrollably now. When you didn’t say anything I walked up behind you, but you kept you back turned. “Just tell me what I did.” I said in a voice that was barely a whisper.
“Do you know what he said to me just before he left?” You asked.
“What does that have to do with me-”
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID TO ME!” You turned back toward me and I couldn’t help but jump back. Cold fury replaced the pain that had shown in your eyes just a few minutes before. You lips curled into a scowl and your hands shook violently at your sides. “He told me that I was a disappointment. That if I was more like my sister, he probably would have stayed.” You continued to stare at me, but now with tears of anger in your eyes. “I did everything I could to please him. EVERYTHING! I joined the stupid football team. I made honor roll every year. I even got a damn a job! I did everything he told me to do.”
You were circling around me now. As you were talking the sky became flooded with thick, dark clouds. It wasn’t long before cold raindrops plummeted from the sky. “I was the perfect son, but I still wasn’t good enough was I?” not knowing what to say I reached out to you, attempting to give you a hug, but you slapped my hand away. “I said DON’T. TOUCH. ME!”
Before we both knew what was happening you reached your hand back and slapped me across the face, sending me stumbling a few feet back. I stood there holding my reddened cheek while you stood there staring at your hands with a pained expression on you face. I couldn’t believe you hit me. We never got violent with each other. We protected each other from everything. The betrayal of the situation hurt me a thousand time more than the slap.
“Naomi, I... I don’t know why I just did that. I’m so sorry.” You reached your hand out and took a step toward me, but I backed away. I was getting dangerously close to the edge of the cliff, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care what happened to me as long as you didn’t touch me. “Naomi please, I didn’t mean to. Please, just please, get away from the edge.” You were crying now, but I still didn’t care. I just needed to stay away from you.
Behind me I could hear the loud roar of the sea crashing against rock. The wind fought with the rain sending both into a frantic state, swirling and dancing around me. Even with all this surrounding me the only danger I could see here was you.
“Naomi please get away from the edge, I promise I won’t hit you again.” You cried. I continued to look at you hesitantly. “I’ll back away if that’s what you want. I’ll move all the way over here.” You moved away, clearing a path for me to walk past you. Just when I was about to move a deafening crash of thunder shook the sky. Everything that happened next seemed to take place in slow motion.
Startled by the unexpected noise I lost my balance and fell back. My arms flew out frantically flapping at my sides as I tried to control my footing. You rushed for me trying to save me, but by the time you got to me I was already out of reach. I only fell for half a second before my hand caught hold of a rock jutting from the side of the cliff. I hung there suspended hundreds feet off ground. Your face shown a few feet above me at the cliffs edge. Your eyes were filled with absolute terror and regret, positioned on the ground you reached you hand down to me.
“Grab my hand I can pull you back up!” You screamed over the thunder. Behind you I heard someone calling our names far off in the distance. You heard them too but you didn’t glance back. “Come on Naomi, I can pull you up!” I reached my hand out to you, but it didn’t get far. Just as my finger touched yours, you slipped on the slippery slope and came toppling over the cliff.
I screamed your name but it was drowned out by the sound of the storm. You dropped past me, but I felt you as you grabbed hold of my foot. The sound of the voice was growing much closer now. “Don’t let go!” I screamed. “Someone’s coming to get us. We’ll be okay” Even as I said it I knew it was a lie. It was raining much harder now and that mixed with the extra weight made my grip on the rock I was hanging onto start to slip. You noticed this to.
“It’s too much weight.” You said all too calmly. “They’ll never make it in time. I’m going to have to let go.” I couldn't help but start to cry.
“Please don’t leave me.” I said.
“I have to.” You replied. “It’s either one of us or both of us...”
“Then I’ll drop too.”
“No!” You screamed. “Don’t you dare let go! People need you. They count on you. You mean something to them.” My grip was slipping faster now, but I ignored it.
“But I need you. I count on you. You mean something to me.” The voice was almost on top of us now.
“I’m so sorry sis. I just can’t do it anymore. I have to let go.” And thats just what you did. The moment I felt your weight leave me, I started screaming. I couldn’t believe you left me. We’re twins. We were meant to stay together. I couldn’t imagine you not being by my side. When we were younger I used to say that I wish I was an only child or that I wish you would just disappear. I realize my mistake now. We’re Ying and Yang. We’re Bonnie and Clyde. We’re nothing without the other. With that in mind I closed my eyes and I let go too.
My hand barely had enough time to leave the rock before I felt strong hands grip my wrist and pull my back on to the land. I kicked, screamed and cursed but they person who had me still wouldn’t let go.
“Naomi, It’s me! Stop fighting. We have to get out of this storm. Where’s Roland?” the voice shouted. At the mention of your name I broke down in violent sobbs. “Oh my God, no.” I looked up at the mystery person. You will never guess who it was. Standing there on the verge of tears was our dad. “What happened? What were the two of you doing out here in the middle of a rain storm by yourselves.” I didn’t answer I just glared at him. He isn’t allowed to be sad. If he wouldn’t have left you wouldn’t have been on this cliff in the first place. If he wouldn’t have left you would still be here. I pushed him away from me and ran for the edge of the cliff again. I didn’t get far before he caught me. I was still screaming your name and trying to jump before he knocked me out and carried me home.
The time after your death went by in a numb blur. I remember waking up that same night to hear the sobs of mom echoing throughout the house. I remember being questioned by the police. I remember you funeral too. It was just like you pictured it except I was the one crying. I was the one begging for you to forgive me for abandoning you. I was the one feeling guilty. I felt guilty at graduation. I felt guilty at my wedding. I felt guilty in the delivery room when I had my first son. I felt guilty when I named him Roland. Everything I did reminded me of you and I don’t think this guilty feeling will ever go away.
It may sound crazy, but I don’t want to stop feeling guilty. Once I stop feelings guilty then I might forget. I don’t want to forget. I will always remember you and how you sacrificed yourself to save me. I will never forget how you allowed me to live on while you remain forever seventeen.