When I was a little girl I just assumed that one day I would wake up taller and with large breasts and an inherited ability to walk in high heels and that would make me a woman. It was not until the summer of before my freshman year of high school at fragile age of fourteen years old, that in my weakest of moments I came into myself and had my first true experiences as a young woman.
I was spending a warm summer day by the lake with one of my best friends, Kali. I was dressed in a black tank top and black jean shorts and was sweating, but I couldn’t break character and change. Instead I rolled up my tank top exposing my newly pierced naval and pulled my long brown hair into a high ponytail and and splashed lake water on the back of my exposed neck. Kali wore her usual old band t-shirt and ripped jeans and seemed un phased by the heat. She had long shiny black hair that she wore over her face with bright blue eyes hidden away. I was always jealous of her natural beauty with my boring brown eyes and brown hair.
“What are we doing tonight?” I asked as she took off her black flip flops and dipped her feet in the water.
“My friend is having a party and I promised I’d be there.” She replied
“Sounds fun.” I replied secretly hoping that she’ll ask me to join her.
“you coming too?” She asked concentrating on the ripples she was making in the water as she tossed in rocks.
“Wouldn’t miss it.” I smiled.
Kali stood and I quickly and I quickly followed and we walked back to her house.
The next few hours consisted of a lot of hair brushing, curling,straigtening,pinning and applying lots of dark heavy makeup on our faces. I called my mother to say I was sleeping over Kali’s house since my dad left us when I was six she was basically my only parent and she liked to know where I was. Finally we were ready. Her mom worked at night so we were able to just walk out the front door and go. We walked a half a mile to wear the party was. This was far from the first party like this that we had attended that summer. We saw plenty of the regulars that attended these parties. To my surprise though, I saw one familiar face that I had not seen in years.
Sometime in the very early morning after the party I woke up curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor of the home where the party was held. Long jagged streaks of black make up covered my face, my hair was in a knotted mess, and dried blood covered my legs. I couldn’t bring myself to stand up. Suddenly Kali comes in and I was relieved to see her.
“Audrina! I’ve been looking for-“She stops mid-sentence and walks over to me.
“You look awful! How much did you have to drink? You should really know your limit by now.” She says helping me get up.
“I…I didn’t drink a..anything” I stutter out.
“I call bullshit. So tell me how it was! You think I didn’t hear about what you did last night? I want details!”
“What are you talking about Kali?”
“You and Damien?!?!? You had sex!”
I instantly felt sick to my stomach and the room started to spin and I had to sit back down on the floor.
“Kali that’s not-“
“I heard it from Damien himself and he only told me because I am your best friend and he wanted to make sure you wouldn’t tell anyone. You guys could get in big trouble and plus you don’t want everyone to think you are some kind of slut.”
“kali it’s not what you think.” I choked out.
“No need to get all emotional. Your secret is safe with me. Now let’s go get you cleaned up. You look like s***.”
Kali and I walked back to her house and she immediately took me into the bathroom and turned on the shower.
“ Get in and I’ll be waiting for you in my room.” Kali says as she went to leave.
“Kali wait! I didn’t have sex! I was…!”I paused “He forced himself on me!” I blurt out as I fall to the floor and am wacked by sobs. “I just wanted to kiss him and he went farther even when I said not to!”
Kali quickly came back into the bathroom and closed the door.
“Audrina! You stop saying that right now!! You are saying he raped you! He could get in huge trouble just for you saying that! You said you were making out with him? Did you let him do anything else?”
“I let him touch my boobs.” I choked out still sobbing and ashamed.
“See, you should know that you can’t tease a guy like that. When you see your ex boyfriend and you flirt with him and let him touch you like that. You are giving him permission. It’s an unwritten rule.You obviously wanted something to happen. He didn’t force himself. You should never tell anyone about this or else everyone will hate you and think you are a slut. Do you understand?”
“Yes..” I said still crying.
“Good. Now get cleaned up.” Kali left and went back to her bedroom.
I get into the shower and cry.
After a few minutes I get out of the shower and looked at my naked body in the mirror. “It was my fault.I am disgusting and I am so stupid that I let this happen.” I whispered to myself.
I put on my pajamas and got into the little cot Kali always set up on the floor next to her bed when I slept over. She was already sound asleep in her bed. I knew sleep was far away for me that nigh so I just laid there digging my nails into my arm to try to stifle the pain I was feeling. I kept telling myself that I brought this apon myself. Even my best friend said so. I shouldn’t feel bad for myself. It was my descion.
I sat awake that entire night and left to go home first thing in the morning. I went through the rest of the summer not really speaking to anyone. Not my mother, not my friends, no one. I woke up most morning wishing that I didn’t. I was slipping farther and farther into my own spiral of depression over my own mistake.
A month after the party I finally invited Kali to come over to my house. When she came up to my room I handed her a pair of scissors. “What are these for?” She asked confused.
“I want you to cut my hair.” I responded straight faced.
“Oh, just a trim?” She asks cheerfully
“Cut it as short as possible.”
“Are you-“
“Kali, please.”
“Okay..If that’s what you want” She responds
She took the scissors and pulled my hair behind my shoulders and start cutting the long brown hair that I had been growing for over a year. The hair I had once loved to style and pull back and straighten and curl. The hair that made me feel beautiful, it just didn’t seem to fit me anymore Tears weld up in my eyes as I watched chunks of my hair fall to the ground but I didn’t let Kali see them.
When she was done I went and looked in the mirror. My hair now came down to my ears. This proved it, the old pretty, innocent, virgin Audrina was gone.
Kali had told me that it would get easier to deal with the loss of my virginity. That it just took time to adjust and accept it. I thought something was wrong with my because I got progressively worse. I knew something wasn’t right about what happened that night but I let him do it right? I started to cut myself. The perfectly straight little red lines that filled my arms and legs were a comfort to me that I didn’t even understand. The relief was temporary though. This is why I started to cut more and more to get the relief I needed.
My mom started to notice the cuts and asked what was wrong and I always said it was nothing and that I was just stressed and anxious about starting high school in the fall. She was comforting at first and asked me to stop. As time went on and she kept seeing the cuts she would get angry at me. She knew I was hiding something but I knew I couldn’t tell me or else she would know that her only daughter was a stupid slut and that would break her heart even more than the cutting did. So I just kept telling her my stress excuse and started to hide my cuts better so that she wouldn’t find them.
It was the week before we would return to school to start high school and Kali and I went to the local fair. I thought it might be a nice distraction from everything. We were having fun playing games and winning cheap stuffed animals neither of us needed. When suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder I turned around to find Damien standing right behind me.. My body tensed and I slowly backed away toward Kali. “Hello ladies I haven’t seen you in a while.” Damien says with a smile. My mind was screaming at me to run. Kali must have sensed it because she was holding my arm.
“Hi Damien!” She says cheerfully.
“You cut your hair since I saw you last Audrina. Looks good.” Damien says staring at me. I looked down at the ground and refused to make eye contact.
“I cut it for her.” Kali interjects proudly
“You ladies want to go ride the Ferris wheel with me? I’ll use my tickets to pay for all three of us.” Damien says still looking directly at me. Before I could object Kali responds, “We would love to!” I felt uncomfortable and panicked but I went with them anyway. We went through the line at the ferris wheel and I got in first and I expected Kali to get in next but instead Damien got in right next to me. I tried to object but Kali smiled wide and winked and gave me a thumbs up. The ride started and Damien moved as close to me as he possible could and I could smell his cologne. It was the same cologne that he was wearing the night of the party. Images flashed in my head. Suddenly I could feel him on top of me again. I could feel him holding me down I could feel the screams escaping my lips as he touched my bare skin. I couldn’t take it anymore. As soon as they let us off the ride I ran. I could hear Kali calling after me and I didn’t care. I ran until I got home and I went up to my room without saying a word to my mother and collapsed on my bed and cried. I felt my chest tightening a feeling I was very familiar with by now. It happened every time I thought about that night. I went into the bathroom and sat and the floor and considered praying to god to make it all end. It then occurred to me that everything I had been taught about god and angels had to all have been a lie. If god existed none of this would have happened. I would still be happy, I would still be confident and I wouldn’t be terrified to leave the house.According to my religion if you killed yourself you went to hell. If that was even true anymore hell would be better than the life I was living. At least in hell I would be safe from him. I turned on the water in the shower and grabbed my razor out of the cabinet. I took off my clothes and sat in the tub. I took the razor and pressed it against the inside of my left wrist and the red blood started to show as usual. That wasn’t enough for me this time. I pressed harder and harder and wouldn’t let up until I finally felt satisfied. I breathed a sigh of relief as the blood started to drip off of my wrist and go spiral down the drain. After a few minutes I started to feel slightly dizzy. I turned off the water and just sat there still bleeding. I had to lean my head against the wall. Suddenly something in my mind kicked in. I panicked, I knew something wasn’t right. I grabbed a towel and pressed it against the inside of my wrist and raised it to try and stop the bleeding. The towel was pure white and instantly was stained bright red from my wrist. After a few minutes the bleeding stopped and my arm felt slightly numb and my mind still felt fuzzy and dizzy. I cleaned the dried blood off of my hands and wrist and cleaned out my wound and put a band aid over it. Something I had never done before. I crawled into my bed and fell right to sleep for the first time in a very long time.
The next morning I woke up and checked my phone to see that I had about twenty missed calls from Kali. “crap she’s probably so mad at me.” I said to myself. I sat up in bed and went to the mirror and looked at myself. I remembered what happened the night before. I guess I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted an escape from my feelings of guilt and sadness. I took a deep breath and picked up the phone and called Kali only to have her immediately start screaming at me for embarrassing her and acting so lame last night. “ What the hell is your problem?!?You choose to have sex with him Audrina!! It’s time you get the hell over it!!! No one feels bad for you for spreading your legs! Damien did nothing wrong and was being completely sweet and you need to apologize both to me and to him!”
Before I knew what I was saying a word came out of my mouth that I had never said to Kali
“No.”
“No?”
“No. I said no that night and I’m saying no now.”
“If you want me to keep being your friend I suggest you come to your senses and apologize.”
I really did still want to be Kali’s friend and I thought maybe I had overreacted the night before.
“You’re right.”
“Right about what Audrina? What do you have to say to me?”
“I’m sorry..” I whispered.