Dear Myself,
This is letter one to myself. I’m writing because I’m so scared. Liam just told me something, and I don’t want to tell you in the first letter because maybe then it won’t be real. Also, I want you first to know you had a really good life. So when you’re ever feeling down, just read one of these, I hope they help you in whatever we, well just you, are going through. So here we go-
Whoever said love was hard had to be off their rockers, or, at least, they had never seen me and Liam before. Liam is my everything, he’s perfect, and handsome, and kind. His eyes are puppy dog brown and his hair is the most beautiful shade of brown I’ve ever seen. And when I am with him I can honestly say, with all my heart, that I have never been happier in my life than when I am standing next to him. But mom is always saying that I am only twenty-six, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I personally think she just wants me to find a girl, any girl, just not Liam. I wonder if you’ll know whenever you read this.
We are that typical couple at the end of a romantic movie. We love each other and there is absolutely nothing wrong with our entire relationship. Jenny, she’s one of my friends, I’m not sure if you’re still friends, she is always saying we were in the extended honey moon faze of dating. Only we’ve been together for nearly three years now, like I said, romantic movie ending. I hope you’re still friends with Jenny.
I can’t help my actions though, I am literally so in love with Liam that going an hour without seeing him makes me antsy, I guess that makes me clingy, but Liam doesn’t seem to mind.
I smile when I think of him, actually he’s all I think about, I smile all the time.
We started doing a lot of couple-things I never thought I would want to do. Like these Thursday night dinners. No matter how busy we are every Thursday night Liam makes sure we have dinner together. All he knows how to make is spaghetti though, so that’s all we eat. You would think I’d have gotten sick of spaghetti, eating it every week, but I can tell you I don’t. In fact, I look forward to Thursday night dinners because I find them extraordinary, thank you very much.
I wonder if you’re still eating spaghetti on Thursday nights, I think it would be nice if you did even after Liam stopped. But I can’t really speak for you , I can’t see the future.
That’s all I have to say, talk to you later? Hmm, I don’t know how to end… Maybe I’ll use some dry humor, or you know…
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,
Today Liam told me something, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m the only that knows besides his family and the doctors. And, while I’m really glad he trusts me, I’m not sure I wanted to know.
Some things are just too hard to accept right away, I wonder if anything else this big had come up in our live. I doubt it though, nothing is bigger than Liam, so I’m positive this is still one of the worst days of your life.
Anyways, Liam told me he had this thing called Early Onset-Alzheimer’s and I laughed at him. Right in his face I burst out laughing. I had never heard of it, I thought he was just messing with me.
I really hurt his feelings when I did that, and I really wish I hadn’t because he almost started crying. It made me feel real awful and I heard him out.
He told me how there was no cure, that he would end up forgetting everything and everyone. He even made a point to say-
“That includes you Jack.” That part really stuck with me because I think he thought I would not understand how serious this was until he said that. He was right.
I told him that even if he forgot everything and everyone, no matter how hard, once he was done forgetting, I would be there to help him remember again. Do you remember him laughing at us? When he forced a sad smile and his eyes flickered with pity, pity of all things.
That’s when he told me he was dying. That he wasn’t just losing his memories, but his body would be forgetting how to work until his heart forgot how to beat.
Then, he told me if his heart could forget how to beat he would definitely forget how to love. And that hurt because he was telling me eventually he would stop loving me, even if he didn’t want too.
He said it so bluntly that I wonder if the hurt I felt stuck with you even as you read this. I think it would have because it was a pretty big blow, the idea of Liam not loving me. Liam had said it and I could tell he rehearsed saying what he had, that he had taken a long time to figure out each and every word before talking to me. I knew this because that was how Liam was, when he wrote speeches he memorized it down to the very last syllable and made sure each word was exactly how he wanted it.
Liam broken down after that, apologizing for saying such mean things while muttering a quick prayer. He has always been religious, but he knew I wasn’t in the slightest. They only time he prayed in front of me was when he was scared.
I asked him if he wanted to dance.
Oh, in case you don’t remember, though I’m sure you do, Liam can’t dance a wink. So we started this thing, Liam would stand on my feet and I would dance for the both of us. He really loves it when we do this.
As I waltz us around the room, Liam starts to smile. He rests his head on my shoulder and I hum a tune. It wasn’t anything particular, just something I could move too.
Just remember that this day was the beginning of the end, and remember how strong I was for Liam.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,
I realized that in my last letter I didn’t tell you why I was writing. Liam inspired this actually, when he told me about his forgetting. It made me wonder if one day I would start forgetting too. So I want to write down my life, especially with Liam, that way if I start forgetting one day I won’t have to have people tell me what I lived. I could tell myself and it would like I never forgot to begin with.
I wonder if that makes sense, I’m sure you’ll understand though, since you’re me.
You have a family, a decent one, with only slightly psychotic tendencies. You have a father that likes to brood and doesn’t know how to relate to his son who prefers music over building birdhouses, and a devote-Muslim mother who thinks the devil resides in you for falling in love, but doesn’t act on her whims because you’re her son and she loves you, they’re both great.
And then along with your wonderfully awkward, slightly crazed parents comes the most important person. But you’ve probably already figured out it’s Liam, need I say more?
Anyways, today I made Liam tell the rest of them. I mean Nick, Jenny, and Lori. We’re in a moderately well off band named Subject X. I’m telling you in case you forgot, I bet you’re laughing right now, but technically you’re laughing at yourself.
Hey, do you remember how much you loved being in Subject X? I’m asking because I doubt you’re together as a band, so I just want you to remember that you really did love Subject X. I know I just said it twice, but sometimes bad things happen. If we have a bad break-up don’t forget all the good memories, ok.
Back to the point, Liam told our band mates with me by his side, holding his shaking hand, as he recited the speech he had practiced on me for hours before. For some reason Liam thought they would be scared off by his forgetting, I knew they wouldn’t though, I was right.
Even though I’m not writing the dates I thought I should tell you it’s been a week since Liam told me and honestly, nothing has changed.
He’s still cooking dinner on Thursday nights, praying to his Lord when he thinks I’ve fallen asleep, and we continue to dance around our room. I don’t think Liam’s condition is much to worry about, he’s still Liam, his memory is basically perfect. We’re going to be ok.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

Hi me, I guess… starting these has always been the hardest part. Once I start the words just seem to come out. I don’t know, I think I have a lot to say and I don’t know how to say it.

You know how the last time I said Liam was still Liam? Well things have started to change, Liam’s been forgetting more, way more.

It’s really weird though because the days differ. One time for a whole week he didn’t forget anything! That had been a good week.

Do you remember that time the fire department came to our flat? That was today. I had left Liam at home and that was a mistake I know I won’t be making again. Liam had come up to me when I pulled up to the flat and hit me over the head.

He was yelling at me because I had left the stove on, then one thing lead to another and the kitchen caught fire. He told me I had to be careful, that the only reason he wasn’t dead was because he had seen the smoke from the living room and booked it out the door.

I pulled Liam into a hug mid-rant. I want to say it was because I was relieved he was ok, but I didn’t want Liam to see me crying. I didn’t want him to worry, to put more pressure on him, for him to realize-

I didn’t turn the stove on.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

Today, for the first time, I realized what was happening. Liam was slowly forgetting, and he wasn’t going to get better. Each time he forgot something it wasn’t coming back, and I knew it. I wasn’t forgetting like Liam was, and it felt almost unfair in a way.

But that’s for a later time, today Liam forgot the lyrics to one of our songs onstage. He just clammed up and froze looking at me scared. I started singing instead, in order to cover for him because he did not know the words. It was lucky the fans thought it was just a ploy we had thought up for them.

Liam was crying backstage afterward, he seemed more shaken than anything else. I can’t help thinking Liam has been crying a lot lately, I hate that a lot.

You won’t remember what he said so I’ll write it down for you- “Jack, I knew it. I know I knew the words because the tune was familiar, and I know it was one of our songs, but all of sudden it was gone. I couldn’t remember!”

I pulled Liam into a hug then, trying to calm him because he was in hysterics. The others just watched on the sidelines, probably in shock, unsure what to do.

Nick looked especially uncomfortable. I should mention that Nick has been taking the forgetting the worse of us all. He honestly can’t handle it, not that I blame him though, he and Liam are best friends. If my best friend was slowly disappearing, I wouldn’t be able to handle it either.

Did you know that right now I’m hardly holding myself together? It’s the shear willpower of knowing I have to be strong because Liam can’t, not anymore, not with his forgetting.

So I have forced myself to bear the burden. Liam can’t, Nick can’t, Jenny and Lori can’t either, only me. A lot of people would call me stupid for taking on all this, but I love Liam. I love him, so even if they call me stupid I would still carry this weight and more. Do you remember how much you love Liam?

I didn’t use past tense because I think you will always love Liam, and I hope you’ve never stopped.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,


Today has been an emotional roller coaster. For the past few months Liam had been faking, and I’m surprised he was so good at it. See, we’re on tour right now, with a large staff and everything, Liam’s been good at remembering everyone.

He always greets people warmly when they come up, and he had us thinking his forgetting had been slowing in progress. He was caught two days ago when he said, “Hi Again!” to two new security guards like had known them all his life. The guards looked baffled, but the band and I were even more confused.

When Liam turned to face us he immediately knew he had messed up. I was the first to approach him and I want to note this was my first time raising my voice at Liam. I feel like the conversation is ingrained in my mind, I want to write it down because I think that will get it out.
“Liam, do you really recognize all these people?”
“Of course I do Jack.” The lying hurt.
“Liar, tell the truth.” I feel awful thinking about the hurt look on Liam’s face.
“At most 20… or so…” He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes at this point. I had to ask him how many of our songs he fully knew next, we had set up a hidden teleprompt for him to avoid incidents.
“None…” The answer made me want to cry, but I got angry instead.

Thinking with a level head now, I wasn’t actually angry at Liam. I was angry at his forgetting, the disease, because it was taking him away from me. But I’ve come to realize you can’t yell at a disease, or hit it, or tell it off in frustration, so I got angry at him.

After our fight our Manager set up a press conference for Liam to reveal the forgetting. We are pretty well know, a lot of people showed up, and I thought Liam was going to have a panic attack. I didn’t help him though, because we had fought, and it makes me sick thinking about how childish I was.

Hey, I bet you can get someone to find the video of the conference, there were a lot of cameras.

We became stupidly famous after that, Liam’s condition gave us international attention because he was so young. The fans were devastated, all our twitter feeds, that’s a social media site we use to use a lot, had blown up with their tweets wishing Liam to stay strong.

I think it’s helping a bit. Remember how much Liam loved the fans? He looked at Twitter, smiled, and cried. I know what you’re thinking, but they were happy tears, I wasn’t worried.

Don’t get me wrong, I was by his side the entire time, he even cried on my shoulder. I even apologized for yelling at him, but I just wasn’t worried. I love him more than the world.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

It’s been awhile, not that you would know, you’ll probably read those letters all at once. I needed to write about something that happened awhile ago. I just never got around to it until now, sorry.

Liam’s forgetting has been getting worse and worse. It’s especially hard when people say things like, “Hi again!” to him because he doesn’t recognize them. I’ve also noticed a trend where every once in awhile a fan will do something like that, knowing he’ll think he’s forgotten them.

But you know why they do that? Because they want him to say something like, ‘Nice to see you again.’ Or ‘It’s been awhile.’ So they can record it and pretend Liam is their best friend. These people hurt Liam the most, and I hate them the most.

He doesn’t let it show in front of anyone, but when he goes to bed he turns his back to me and silently cries. You might be wondering why I don’t just comfort him and tell him it’s going to be ok, but Liam has his pride, it’s one of the few things he has left to hold onto. If I was there telling him it would be ok, things would only get worse.

Every night I let him cry himself to sleep and I wonder if you remember the feeling of wanting to do something and then not.

Do you remember Liam always saying that because of us always being there for him he is able to keep going? Me, I’m the reason he doesn’t cry in public, I’m his pillar. And since I’m his pillar I will always have to be sturdier than him.

Anyways, that’s not why I’m writing this letter. I wanted to tell you that about two weeks ago Liam stopped crying himself to sleep.

He has forgotten the thing that will tear us apart, and honestly, I’m glad. He’s happy again.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

It’s starting to get to the hard faze the doctors were talking about. I realize I haven’t really talked about the doctors, I take Liam once a week and they do these brain scans on him. They never tell me the results, but they say it’s to help future cases. I guess it’s too late for Liam to be helped.

The doctors say that as the disease progresses, I’ve been referring to it as the forgetting, but the doctors don’t like that, he’s going to forget people, and memories, and how to drive, and eat, and walk, and breathe. I just don’t know if I can handle that…

I can’t handle that.

I’ve noticed recently that Liam doesn’t pray when he thinks I’ve fallen asleep. He isn’t acting strange. I guess he didn’t notice, I guess he forgot.

Let me ask you, do you remember this me? How you sat here writing this letter alone in the kitchen hoping Liam would walk in at any second with a bag of groceries and start making dinner. Do you remember how sick to your stomach you felt knowing he wasn’t going to be making dinner, not because we just had a big fight, but because he doesn’t remember ever doing it in the first place? All those Thursday night dinners don’t exist anymore Jack! You’re the only one who remembers now, so now it doesn’t even matter, they were all a waste! They never happened! They don’t exist!

I can feel myself losing him! He’s slipping through my fingers and I can’t do anything about it! I’m useless! I’m watching him wither away and die like nothing is wrong! I’m sitting here thinking about how one day Liam isn’t going to love you! … Me. One day Liam isn't going to love me. He won't know me. He will be dead. Liam is dying. Liam's dying.

Future me, how are you doing this? Because I honestly can’t think of surviving a day without him. I’d rather die and be with him than live another day without him. I want to write more,to explain myself, but I can’t. Good Night.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

I read my last letter and was going to throw it away, well I did throw it away, but I got it back. I hate that letter, I absolutely hate it. But I’m not going to throw it away because it feels real. That’s what I wanted to achieve by writing these letters, I want you to know exactly how it feels, because you’re me, and if I can’t be honest with myself how can I live? So if you’re wondering why the paper is crumpled, remember I pulled it out of the trash.

So Nick came over today, I was grateful for a distraction from everything. It took Liam a bit of time, just staring at Nick as he squirmed under his gaze, but after about thirty seconds Liam’s expression lit up.

“Nick, good to see you lad!” That’s what Liam said when everything clicked in his head. Thank god it did.

Nick seemed happy Liam recognized him as was evident by the bright smile on his features. I sat in the background as they talked to each other, actually Nick did most of the talking, Liam just sat and listened to most of it.

Somehow it was like I was back at the beginning. Like someone had hit the reset button and I was at the start of a video tape or something, I don’t know. It sure felt like I was watching a video.

Do you remember how Nick used to come over a lot? He would overwhelm our apartment with nonsense chatter. I would sit off to the side of the couch while Liam and Nick sat on the floor together, messing around and simply being best friends. Even though I wasn’t able to hog Liam to myself I still love those moments, Liam was genuinely happy.

So, future me, what I’m trying to say is, for these few moments Nick had come over, things had felt ok for the first time in a long time.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

Today I almost broke in front of Liam. It may not seem like it, but it’s a big deal. You see, Liam doesn’t know he’s forgetting anymore, which means I’m not allowed to be sad. I can’t cry and have Liam hold me, and we can’t struggle through this together because Liam isn’t struggling.

But Liam looked sad today and I asked him why. He said he didn’t know, he just felt sad. Sometimes I find myself wondering if Liam will figure out there is something wrong with him. If he’ll figure out he isn’t suppose to be missing all the knowledge that he is.

Liam looked sad, so I asked him to dance. No matter what mood he was in Liam loved it when we danced. I think it was because I did all the work while he held on for the ride.

“I don’t know how to dance.” And even though he said that I think it was ok. Liam had never known how to dance, he was awful, so somehow, this was ok, and it didn’t hurt when it actually did. And I told myself it was ok because everything was still normal, everything was still ok.

That’s right, right? Liam still knew he didn’t know how to dance, it wasn’t like some of the most precious moments in our relationship happened while I danced us across our room. Our relationship was still real, even if it was mostly gone, that was only mostly, not all.

So I said I’d teach him how to dance, and the skeptic look he gave me proved this was coming to an end.

As I guided Liam’s feet to my own I tried to block out my thoughts, but I couldn’t.

I wanted to stop, but Liam was gripping me tightly, giggling even. I couldn’t make myself stop, not when he was so happy. I thought about how one day we wouldn’t be able to be happy together anymore, mostly because he wouldn’t know me…
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

Today Liam found my letters. He was crying really hard afterwards. I know I should have felt guilty for putting him in that position, crying in the middle of our bed. But honestly, I was so relieved because for the first time in months I was able to hold Liam and cry with him.

I had really shameful thoughts, though I doubt you remember, thinking I was glad Liam found the letters. Because now I wasn’t the only one suffering, and for that moment I could shift some of this weight off my shoulders and share it with Liam.

I cried and told him I was scared of losing him, and every day I had this fear of waking up and having him ask me who I was. Can you remember that moment? Are you thinking of the day Liam forgot you? I cried my heart out today. Liam is sleeping next to me and I feel sick to my stomach laying here.

And bitterly in the back of my mind I know Liam won’t remember this tomorrow morning.

I’m going to start hiding my letters better.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,

I’m squeezing three different events into one letter.

It’s been inevitable since he was diagnosed, but we never really talked about it, like if we didn’t voice it, it wouldn’t happen. Liam was forgetting Subject X, and it felt like a horror movie where each cast member was picked off one by one until there was only one left, but they know they’re next.

It happened a month ago, Liam doesn’t really leave the house anymore so the band tries to come over whenever they can. Even if we can’t really be Subject X anymore, we’re still Subject X. Does that make sense?

They all walked in as always, even if it took Liam a bit to remember their names he was still able to get them, I had always been proud of that.

He said hello to Nick, then Jenny, and he turned to Lori with a friendly smile and said- “Hi, I’m Liam. Are you Jenny’s friend?”

Lori looked absolutely devastated at the moment, but I couldn’t blame her, Liam had forgotten her first. Liam had looked one of his best mates in the eyes and asked her who she was, and I would have broken.

Jenny was the next one to be forgotten, and it was just as uneventful and underplayed as Lori’s had been. Liam just didn’t know who she was anymore.

After they were forgotten both girls stopped visiting, I didn’t blame them though, I respected the decision. I haven’t seen either of them in awhile, all my time has been consumed by Liam. I always think about how the doctors said Liam would forget more than his memory. What if I wasn’t around and he forgot how to walk? I would come home to find him freaking out on the floor. Try to imagine it.

Well you’ve probably lived it by now.

I think when Liam forgot Nick it was the worst though, because that’s when I realized if he could forget Nick, his closest and dearest friend, how could he not forget me? It was only a matter of time now.

But poor Nick, when Liam asked who he was he couldn’t hold it in, started crying right there. Liam was confused, but I just calmly escorted Nick to the door and told him he wasn’t allowed to do that here and to suck it up. Then I slammed the door in his face.

It was mean, I’m aware, but I’ve been dealing with Liam forgetting everything about me, step by painful step and have been able to hold myself together, so Nick should have been able to be stronger.
Before I end this letter, I just wanted to say I feel like I may have ruined our friendship with Nick. Do we makeup in the future? I hope we do because Nick is such a good kid.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,
The Doctors told me Liam would have to be put in a home soon, that it was getting close. I told them they were wrong when I knew they were right.
Even though we still live with each other, we sleep in separate beds now because he wakes up in the morning asking me why I’m in his bed. He just keeps forgetting.
It takes him an especially long time for him to remember who I am. It was a forewarning to the ending that was never going to change, but I’ve started praying that it would. Even though I’ve started this whole praying thing I don’t think Liam’s God is listening because even though I pray, Liam still forgets.
But praying is like a lifeline for now, so until he forgets me for good I will continue to pray, no matter how much it doesn’t work. I need the strength.
Right now I’m watching Liam walk around the apartment. He’s questioning why everything looks so familiar because he honestly doesn’t remember this is where he lives, where we live, even though he woke up here this morning. I don’t understand how his forgetting works, but it is a really awful thing. I’ll write some more late, but I have to make dinner for Liam, it’s Thursday night.
-
-
Two Days ago(Thursday) when we were sitting on the couch together watching the News, and I found myself wondering how much longer I had with him. How long it would be until I was just another stranger like everyone else? I had wanted him to promise me his memory, force him to say he’d never forget me, as if it would stop him from erasing me from his mind. I don’t care at this point.
“Liam, you know one day you’re going to forget me.” Remember how he laughed? How much everything really sucked.
“That won’t happen Jack, you’re my best mate, I’ll never forget you.”
“So you won’t forget me?”
“I won’t.”
“...You will.”
The next day he forgot me. When I woke up and looked at him I could tell, his expression was blank, like I was another face in the crows. So I left the room quietly and called Jenny to come pick him up. I didn’t look up even as he was forced out the door kicking and screaming about strangers, and “Who are you people?”
I don’t know why I couldn’t do it myself, I mean I love him so much, but I couldn’t. Right now I can’t help thinking that one day I’ll forget, but I’ve discovered I don’t want that, I want to remember how much I love Liam because there is no other feeling like it in the world.
Once Liam’s dead I’m going to kill myself. You know, it won’t matter anymore, right?
Don’t you ever Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,
It’s been a long time since I wrote letter 13. I haven’t felt like writing though, I told myself I was going to stop, that it was pointless now. I’ve been on the sidelines watching Liam die since that time. All he is is confused and scared all the time, he doesn’t know where he is and what’s happening most of the time. He can’t even walk anymore.
Sometimes he’ll have moments of clarity. These are actually worse because all of a sudden he is aware. He knows things and wants to leave and live, and he isn’t allowed to because he’s too sick.
The worst was once he remembered me, clearly. It had been blank staring and then he looked at me, and I could see it in his eyes. I think he knew he was dying, and somehow he knew what I wanted to do when he died because he whispered to me.
“Jack, I love you. Don’t die.” That was the last time I ever heard his voice. It was too cruel of him to do that to me. I had finally accepted he was gone and never coming back, and death was going to be my escape from it all after suffering all these long months. But he made it worse, he had thrust all this pitiful hope on me. And I had it in my mind that maybe this wasn’t the end. That he had just shown me he could fight it, overpower it so we could stay in love, grow old, and die together.
I was pitifully grasping at nothing.
I didn’t want to feel worse so I kept my distance after that, making sure to stay away from him. But finally the confusion came to an end, Liam is comatose now. Did you know the doctors aren’t allowed let him just die? They have to force him to stay alive until his heart stops beating.
What they call life isn’t that at all. It’s just a beating heart inside an already dead body.
It’s not that I want Liam to die, but I feel like he died a very long time ago. His family doesn’t come around and that makes me his only visitor. Now even Nick, who has surprised me by visiting often, has stopped coming to see a breathing corpse, it’s too painful for them.
I guess I’ve become a masochist since Liam started forgetting. Once Liam’s gone I’m not going to write anymore, there’d be nothing to write about.
Don’t Forget,
Jack

Dear Myself,
I listened to Liam’s heart monitor stop just now, I’ve finally lost Liam. I’m not crying, I think it must be shock, it hasn’t seemed to have set in. Or, maybe, after all this crying, I’ve just cried myself out.
It’s strange because I can feel my self-destruction sort of building up inside me. It’s creeping up on me so I’m getting the words out quickly. I have, and always will, love Liam the most.
Don’t ever forget it,
Jack

Jack leaned back in his chair rubbing his sore eyes from under his thick-rimmed glasses. Liam had died nearly twenty years ago, but he had just found the letters he had written to himself.
The middle aged man stood up and placed the letters neatly into the box he had found them in, a soft smile on his lips. Over the years he had forgotten the love he had felt for Liam when he was young, and he found himself pondering if they would still be together if Liam hadn’t died.
The man rolled his shoulders exiting the office and entering the kitchen, his wife was over the stove cooking dinner and he smiled at her. She had brown hair and brown eyes and looking at her now he remember why she had caught his eye in the first place.
It was a Thursday and there was spaghetti boiling on the stove.