“Why is it that I always find myself back here?” I asked myself as I sat in the pew in the far back.

There is absolutely no explainable reason for my life to be in shambles. In essence it really isn’t and from the outside looking in I probably got all of you reading this fooled. Here I am a country girl straight out of Georgia, a big time executive making six figures a year and I say my life is in shambles. But my life hasn’t always been so well off. My Georgia no longer exists, but that was a thought for another time. I had too much going on to be zoning out about my past. Focusing I sat down and prepared myself to hear another meaningless message. “Maybe this time I can take notes” I said to myself.
~*~

I sighed as I passed another mirror and thought about another perfect outfit put to waste. Here it is another Sunday and another attempt by me at trying to attend church. This time was no different than what I thought. There was another wanna be preacher, with another wanna be choir and another “God wants you to bless me so I can bless you” message. In total, it was another waste of my time. I decided to just go home. I was truly sick of these petty let-downs. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself. Its like am I asking for this stupidity. I was taught that church was a good thing. When I was little, I remember church as a place of worship. My grandmother was never one to swear by God’s Word, but she did know the importance of it. She encouraged me to read it every day. I may not have attended church in years, but I know a real church when I attend one. My roots run deep in Christianity. Some things, like eating in the church should not be permitted. Praying sincerely is another obvious one. If I can’t understand what the prayer is saying why should I say amen? Amen means I’m agreeing and for most of these churches; “I don’t.”

Since moving back to Savannah, I haven’t been much of a church goer. No church has met my requirements. I’ve tried, but I admit, I’m not really dedicated. My life seems to be in such turmoil. I haven’t even been sleeping well. It’s like I go to bed and wake as if I never went to sleep. Most days I’m alone. Even though I’m the top executive, there’s a difference between friendship and a work relationship. The one friend I’ve had lives in Pennsylvania. I haven’t called her either. I’ve tried many things to entertain myself. Up until now, I still have felt it was a waste of time. I can say that the clubbing was fun. Dance has always come easy. I even thought about majoring in it when I was in school. But, dance is a very hard career field to break through. It would have been arduous to find and get a job after high school. Unlike the business major that got me recruited right out of college with that internship. Then I thought maybe I should get a guy. I tried Christian online dating sites and blind dates. Some were better then others, but in all they sucked. I even tried meeting a guy in a club. I figured all I needed was someone who shared my passion for the beat. However, with my status still single, you can see how well that worked.
I’ve never been much of the party girl. I went to a few parties and met a few guys but nobody or any place really stood out to me. I never thought much about how unhappy I was. It’s truly amazing how comfortable you can get with the uncomfortable. It reminded me of my grandmother and the thievin’ boyfriend she put up with until her death. She taught me perseverance and commitment. She taught me stubbornness too. She’s the only women I knew that could know someone she cared for was doing wrong and still do right by him. Even with a child, she never let me struggle.
I was finally home. I threw my clothes off and quickly changed into a small wife beater and balling shorts. Throwing myself onto the couch, I began to reminisce. My grandmother was beautiful. Nubian as they come. Dark ebony skin, big mahogany eyes with eye lashes so long that curled almost to her eyebrows. She had naturally arched eyebrows. Her face was flawless. She was blessed to have no scarring or ache to ever adorn her face. Her lips were completely soft. They were big and beautiful. They were as luscious and soft as pillows. I used to get booboos just so she would kiss them. She was amazing, but it amazed me how she stuck with that loser Jake until she died. Jake, was twenty years younger than mema. I don’t know why she married him. All I know is, he’d snuck into her bed and used to attempt to make her forget her problems. One thing I can say though, she taught me what not to do, well. She made it clear, to do as she said, and not as she did. When she died I took on this hectic kind of living. I’ve been uncomfortable with how I’ve been living for a long time. But I had gotten used to it. I haven’t been aware of it since my grandmother died and no one has ever brought those feelings to the fore front. That is, until Adam Carter came my way.
I met him on a busy New York street. I was strolling through the park before going in to do a check up on the employees. As usual, I was looking into the sky instead of watching where I was going and I bumped into him. It was as if he materialized out of nowhere, I really don’t know where he came from, but then again how could I right? I was looking up. Anyways, I was toppling over and he caught me. When I wiped the hair out of my eyes I was staring into the most brilliant brown eyes I had ever seen before. I could tell they weren’t contacts too. He was smiling as if he could hear me thinking how beautiful I thought his eyes were. After being placed right side up I still hadn’t fully recovered from the fall and his eyes. I was so astounded that I still couldn’t speak. He just gave me a half smirk and said his name was Adam Carter. Then as quickly as he came, he was gone. And little ole me was sitting there stupidly staring at the place where he used to be.

This wood is remarkable!"

An older, African American man in blue overalls seemed to stare at my wooden chairs in awe. They were only one of many sections in my store, a carpentry and appliance shop that stood out amongst the usual "Dollar Store" and "Barbershop". If there was something to be crafted, I was the man to do it.

Judging from the sound of his words, I had made quite the impression on another customer. Of course, I was just a servant of the people. None of what I did was meant to be arrogant; humility was a fruit that few wanted to eat. So instead of beaming with pride, I met him at his area of interest and shook his hand. "My name is Adam Carter, sir. How are you?" He looked at me with a warm smile, resting his other hand atop my own. "I'm blessed, my boy. Highly favored, with more faith than frustration!" His words pleased me.

Hearing that someone was blessed was a rarity. So much so, that I could not refuse an opportunity to give him yet another reason to smile. "If you like these chairs, then I will give them to you at a discounted price." I told him. His grip on my hand shook with a renewed vigor, a simple nod letting me know that he was most appreciative. I left him to his ministrations, afterward; customers seemed to be coming in and out at a regular pace. I would occasionally stop and converse with them - the connection and love that went into meeting people was a delicate thing. Show genuine interest, and you could gain a friend. Offer someone something right from the start, and it usually ended up a single encounter that ended in business and nothing more. As I thought this, I couldn't help but smile. Tonya was an interesting exception. It wasn't the norm to bump into someone like her, and yet she was taken out of her element at the simple exchange of touch. The word of God was powerful, and its words were true. Did she notice the help that was given from a total stranger? Providing her with my full name, surely the notion to seek me out would cross her mind. I was only thankful that she hadn't tried to cling to my appearance. The ratio of the superficial to the truly friendly was surprisingly uneven. If only the world were on one accord in love.

Finally able to leave after the last customers had departed, I headed out and toward the Maxima. Gabriel had requested catfish from Mary's, and it was a sin (Heh...not really) to keep him waiting. The shop was locked and secured, and all was conveniently comfortable at the church for the night. A reminder was left on my phone as well, reminding me to get down the road as soon as possible. Kicking the vehicle into gear, I pulled out and onto the road with a fresh batch of gospel tracks gently sounding out from the speakers.

~*~

As usual, Mary's was busy. It was a moderately sized establishment. A restaurant famous for its catfish and vegetables, no one could do it better than she could. Fortunately, I was the closest thing to a son that she had. Mary was in her late forties, and yet she had the energy and compassion of a young teacher. In more ways than one, she had taught me all that I had needed to know about being a gentleman. If ever I had a need, she strived to meet it - that is, when Gabriel couldn't resist updating her about my daily ministrations. Upon entering through the front door, a majority of the residents greeted and ushered me in with welcome arms. This was the magic of Georgia - the streets were filled with violent intent, but there were some places that gave hope to the meager town of Savannah. Praises to God could be heard from the musicians of the restaurant, recognizable by their status in the church as being part of a band that could kick any sermon into high gear. Of course, this was not the true purpose of walking into the sanctuary. The Holy Spirit could lift anyone without a note or tune. Luckily, the Christians of In His Arms Baptist didn't need a voice or an instrument to praise the Lord.

I smiled wide as I was accepted, Gabriel standing in the corner and having his usual debate with Mother Mary about the better fish: salmon or the usual catfish. He was nearly yelling his facts, though my hand being placed on his shoulder quenched his thirst for victory. "Still trying to convince mama that we're salmon men?" I teased. Mary didn't even give him a chance to respond; her arms were wrapped around me, the warmth of her hug unmistakably loving. "Anyway", she began, "How are you, baby? You look hungry. Let me get you a plate." I chuckled to myself. She always accused me of being malnourished, what with so much work being put into the church and the store. Watching her vanish into the back without a word of refusal on my part, I merely sat down and joined Gabriel. "I hate to say it, but salmon is better." he muttered. He loved having the last word. I nodded to ease his mind, Tonya's encounter pushing to the forefront of my thoughts. "Did I tell you that I ran into a young woman the other day?"

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. He knew that mentioning a specific person was something that I rarely did. But when a person was touched as she had done to me, I couldn't have easily dismissed her. "Really, now? Did she steal anything from you in the process?" I chuckled at his remark, waving it off before continuing. "She had a look of astonishment. She stared at me, and I could only return her gaze. Her mind was unsettled, Gabe. I could tell from the turmoil in her eyes." He nodded in understanding, leaning back in his seat. "The sheep need a shepherd to lead them, Adam. Anything less and they tend to wander. It is up to you to protect her." he said. My small kick to his ankle beneath the table let him know to be more subtle. After all, I was not your ordinary citizen. I didn't wear an "S" on my chest, and there was no glory to be had in my line of...."obligations". Still, I would have been lying if I had told anyone that I was common. Confidence was a great veil, but people like Tonya were not easily steered toward dismissing detail.

Mary peered out from the back door and sighed softly, and as if on cue I stood and joined her. Gabriel was close behind me. "Something wrong, mother?" I questioned. Mary took a hand along her apron, as she usually did when there were signs of trouble. We finally stopped at the stove, and upon sight I needed to know no more. There was a shortage of fish, though the vegetables were plenty. I had noticed that more customers were piling in, and an uproar was sure to be had if they weren't satisfied with service. Gabriel and I exchanged glances as she began to search the freezer. I stepped so that my back was to her, and within moments I had began to rearrange the fish that were left.

I couldn't stay much longer. Yelling a "Farewell!" to Mary as she emerged from the freezer with full hands and a grateful smile, Gabriel and I swiftly made our exit. Surely, the night would prove smooth. Sliding into my car once more, I nodded to Gabe and headed home for the evening. I couldn't help but wonder, as I sped up and onto the highway, if Tonya was okay.

Church. It feels so fake. It hasn’t felt real since I was five. When I was young I believed. But then when I moved and saw true horrors in life I thought to myself, “how can God be real and all knowing and yet my life is this horrible.” I found out that no matter the size of the church, it’s all fake. No matter how many times I went, lifted my arms up, bowed my head, broke bread, said “Amen” after every sentence the pastor said, it still felt fake. I went to church from the time I was 6 until my junior year in High School. I tried everythin I could and it still felt fake. I tried joining all the activities at my local church. I tried joining the Christian club at my High School. I even tried outreaching to heighten my sense of “Holy Spirit.” Nothing worked. I felt horrible everytime I forgot to pray or didn’t thank God before eating. Still I continued going for my grandmother. She was faithful to attend, though every moment she spent outside of church was nowhere near synonymous to what she did at a Bible Service. I gave it up when she died. Yet still, I find myself almost seven years later in church again. I felt compelled to give God a try again. That empty feeling I have was getting more annoying by the day. So I’ve been on a search for the fullness I had when I was five. This was the tenth church in the area that I was visiting. I was so close to giving up again. Standing, I realized I had daydreamed right into praise and worship. I joined the rest of the congregation on their feet singing “This is the Day.” Clapping my hands to the beat I realized it was a faster version. “This is the day. This is the day. That the Lord has made. That the Lord has made. I will rejoice. I will rejoice and be glad in it. And be glad in it.” I let my mind drift as I sung. The song was so simple that anyone could sing it. This church is huge and the people here seem nice. I wonder if they’ve noticed I’m new.. When I came back to reality the congregation was finishing up, “Blessed Assurance” and going into “Amazing Grace.” After a good ending the pastor’s wife came forward. “Good morning church.” Good morning!” She sure seems energetic. I like her hair. I wonder does she always dress so well. The congregation replied back. “I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise [shall] continually [be] in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the LORD: the humble shall hear [thereof], and be glad. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” That was a good prayer; I wonder does he practice what he’s going to say. It doesn’t look like he has a cheat sheet either. The crowd began to applause, startling me from my thoughts again. The music started immediately for what I remember as the doxology. I like this woman. She read the scripture would good emphasis. “Praise God from whom, all blessings flow, praise him all creatures, here below. Praise him above ye heavenly host. Praise Father, son and Holy Ghost. Amen.” Then the pastor came to the pulpit and prayed. “Holy Father, we asked your presence in this place. Move all about this room. Come up and down the corridors of this place from the corridors of heaven. Have your will and your way. In Jesus Name. Amen.” Amen. Wow, another good prayer. I wonder does he pray well every Sunday. “Amen,” agreed the congregation. The choir director stood and began to lead the choir in a jazz rendition of “Oh Happy Day.” It was really good. So many people were on their feet singing along. If I knew how I would have felt the spirit. Then the Pastor stood again before the pulpit, with his wife. They joined hands. Then he asked every one in the congregation to stand on their feet and join hands. He bowed his head and began to pray. “Father I come to you in the name of Jesus thanking you for being God and God all by yourself. I thank you for waking us up and having us on our way this morning. Lord I give praise to you and lift your name on high for you have been so good to me. I thank you because when nobody cared for me, you cared. When nobody loved me, including myself, Lord, you loved me. I thank you that you died on the cross for a sinner like me. I thank you that when I mess up, your mercy endures more and more. Father I thank you for your protection and your loving favor. Now, as I stand before you I want to thank you for the person holding out hands on our right and our left. I want to thank you for working on the behalf of the believer. Only you know what’s going on in their hearts. You know the trials and tribulations that are trying to overcome. Help them Lord. When it seems like everything is in disarray. Comfort them. Give them peace. When it seems that there is no hope. Give them joy. We thank you for what you are doing and going to do this day for them Lord God. We thank you for it in Jesus name. Amen” Immediately, the orchestra began to play, “God is so Good.” That was a very encouraging prayer. I really hope this prayer goes up because I could use some joy and peace. The crowds began to rock slowly, still hand in hand and sing. God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He’s so good to me. I love him so. I love him so. I love him so. He’s so good to me. The song was really good, so I sang along in my head. The pastor’s wife took the microphone again as the pastor went back to his seat. “At this time in out service we would like to welcome our guests. If this your first time attending “In His Arms Baptist Church” please stand so that we can acknowledge your presence.” I began looking around. I hate being the only visitor because the members always isolate me. They look at me strange and watch me in their peripheral vision like I can’t see them. The congregation began turning around in their seats looking for visitors. It must have been obvious I was new because in spite of all the members in attendance people started smiling at me. With a sigh I stood to my feet. The pastor’s wife clasped her hand with excitement. “Excellent!” she said. “Welcome! We are so happy to have you in our service this morning. We know that it is not by chance that you would be here. God had you on the way before both of us knew it. We have two things for you on this morning. One is a visitor packet. It contains a visitor badge and a slip to write your address so that we may contact you about the many activities happening in the lift of the church. Please take the badge and peel the perforated part to apply it to your shirt. It will not damage your clothes in any way. We promise! The second thing we have for you is a special song from the choir to show how much we appreciate you. Choir lets welcome our guest.” She went to stand on the side. The choir started with a drum roll, and then they sang. “You are welcome here. We welcome you. This is a safe place, surround by love. Let God lead you to being a member of, the Body of Christ. We accept you here. Cherish you. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome tooooooo “In His Arms Baptist Church!” They congregation clapped and the pastor’s wife took the microphone again. “Wasn’t that wonderful church?” She spoke to me directly, “Again, welcome to you and you may be seated.” I sat down quickly, thinking to myself, how strange. She continued with the service. She gave a great introduction to her husband, Pastor Ron Johnson to which the congregation loudly clapped. He came to the podium, prayed over the offering, told us where to Premark our bibles and went to the back to change into his robe. This church keeps doing things that are different. First the nice people and them welcoming me so genuinely, then the pastor praying and seeming filled with the Spirit. I could get used to this. Wait, no. These kinds of things never last. I bet there’s a flaw somewhere. It’ll come up before the Benediction.
Coincidentally the service continued on without flaw or error. The message was good and the Call to Christ almost pulled me out of my seat. Almost. I think I’ll come back next Sunday to see what they are about. On my way out of service I was shocked to see Adam. He was in the front talking to the Pastor. I have got to see what he’s doing here. Just as I got to him the Pastor began walking away and he turned right into me. “So you always say hey by crashing into people?” He jokingly said. I couldn’t help but cracked a smile. “No sometimes I trip them.” This time he smiled. “What are you doing here?” I asked. “I work here. I am a minister on duty here.” “Wow. I never took you for the minister type.” I replied. “Well what are you doing here?” He asked, smiling, knowing good and well I was a visitor. I blushed. “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.” He laughed out loud. “It was obvious you didn’t want to be the center of attention.” I frowned. “Great. Now I seem mean.” Still laughing he said, “No, people realize it’s a bit embarrassing.” We began walking to the door. “Hey, I got some things to do but see you around?” I asked. “Probably,” he said. I wonder what that means.

The day had come and gone once again, Gabriel leaving me for the evening to attend an important business meeting.

I sat outside the church along the railing in a simple attire of white tee shirt and dark denim. Without work to be done, it felt like a Sabbath day. I chuckled at the thought; quite a few people seemed to mix up what the true Sabbath day was, and it was astonishing to find that years had passed and no one was any wiser to what God desired. I silently inquired about a small vehicle that was pulling up toward the church's gate. It was a delight to know that even on weekdays, church members and the like would come by to visit my House (Spiritually speaking, of course). Non believers frequented the parking lot at night, but that was only to find temporary solace from the problems that life brought. If only they knew about the Eternal Life that my Father could give them. I had ministered to many of them on weeknights, but the will of a person is their own. As the old saying goes, one can lead a horse to water...but they can't make it drink. The same could be said of the Christian Lifestyle. God would never make us do anything that we did not want to do. We have to accept Him.

As I closed my eyes and basked in the greatness of His power, a familiar voice called out to me from only a few yards away. "Sleeping at church? Now, I know that's forbidden." Tonya said. As I fixated my gaze on her, the first notable trait was her smile. Pearly whites displayed from cheek to cheek - a rare occurrence, what with the world being a truly chaotic place. She was a breath of fresh air, wrapped in a business suit that fit her form comfortably. Another admirable trait: She didn't dress like most of the women that I had encountered on my walks from the carpentry store to the church. Realizing this caused me to smile, and I couldn't help but pull myself away from the rail to offer my arms in an embrace. "Tonya! It's good to see you, child." I said. I bit my tongue as she hugged me, pulling back with a raised eyebrow. "Child? Don't tell me you're an old man, Adam." she joked. I casually grinned and shook my head, thankful that I could divert my slip up with a joke. "No, not at all. We are all God's children." Her eyes seemed to sparkle with that tinge of hope - the same hope that I had seen in her when she was in church on Sunday.

"What brings you here?" I asked. Clutching the purse she pulled from behind her, she leaned against the railing. "Honestly, I have no idea. Life hasn't been rainbows and sugar. I run a frustrating business, my family members are few and far in between, and the choices that I've been making have not been the best ones." she admitted. Her honesty was astonishing - I had only encountered that type of forthcoming long ago, when Gabriel and I traveled to minister to those who did not have the means to visit a local church. Tonya glanced at me, obviously for some sort of grimace of disapproval. But perhaps I had surprised her by nodding and offering a hand to her shoulder. "Relax. All are welcome here. The word of God says to come as you are. The battles that you fight are not yours. They're the Lord's. And I mean that in a genuine way." I assured her. If only Gabriel had been here to see the disbelief she was practically exuding through her pores. "You really mean that, don't you?" she inquired. Standing, I pulled the keys to my Maxima from my pocket and unlocked the car doors. "Of course. The shepherd is always there for his sheep. People will stray, but he will never forsake you." She began to follow me, and I felt an all too familiar feeling of compassion. "Unfortunately, the Pastor is not here at the moment. Would you like to join me on a business venture?" I proposed. Tonya raised an eyebrow.

"Do I have to ride in your car?" I couldn't help but chuckle. "You don't. I was simply offering to help preserve your gas." Tonya smacked her forehead, her cheeks catching a faint blush. "Oh...I'm sorry, I didn't--" she began. I raised a hand to stop her. "It's no problem. You're more than welcome to drive your own vehicle behind me."

Tonya eyed her vehicle, and then mine. Standing firm and shaking her head, she walked to the passenger side of the Maxima. "I'll trust you, Adam. But I don't know why." I grinned, unlocking the doors as we slid into our seats. If only she knew who I was...

~*~

As usual, I was captivated by the beauty of the scene before me as I pulled into a docking yard's parking lot. Lush forestry was a great outline to a seemingly endless body of water, crystalline in its appearance. Few cars were scattered here and there, families enjoying a day out near the water with activities like fishing and simply enjoying tossing the occasional rock to watch ripples. As Tonya and I climbed out of the vehicle, she clasped her hands together in front of her chest and silently took in the view. "Not used to being out here?" I asked. "Oh no, that’s not it at all. I'm a Georgia girl at heart. But I haven't taken the time to look...I mean...really look at all of this. You would think that an artist would want to paint here all the time." she said. We approached the pier, nodding silently to passersby. "The greatest artist of them all is always here. God is good, isn't he?" I beamed with pride almost, Tonya's giggle causing me to glance over to her. "You could say that, I guess. I...I find it hard to believe that a church can be legit", she began, "but I'm not saying that about your church! I mean...I enjoyed service!" She could be humble, and yet worried. I wondered what life could have been like for someone so young and of such seemingly transparent faith.

"I understand everything you're saying, Tonya. You have nothing to fear - I won't judge you just yet." I replied. She nudged my side as we continued walking. "Well, when you do? Make sure I'm wearing my best." she returned. Her wit was innocent. Not perverted, and not arrogant. Perhaps there was hope yet for this saint in training.

We had walked long enough to leave most of the patrons behind, a rather impressive line of boats drifting back and forth with no one to tend to them - that is, save Noah Lane. Owner of a long line of yachts and boating companies, he was an entrepreneur who had started with a wooden ship and a notion. He appeared atop one of his many vessels and waved, donning a white suit that fit his job description well. He was an older gentleman, but he was full of life. If it was about building a ship? He knew about it. Practically an ambassador for every major company that dealt in water vessels, there were none who could match him. He was also a veterinarian part-time, working with animals of all types out of his love for God's creations. This was a true man of faith. I could remember a time where I had to practically push him to work hard. Eccentric in nature, his outgoing spirit was enough to make anyone lean toward his friendship.

"Adam, my friend! How are you!?" he exclaimed. Descending until he could meet us on the pier, we offered each other a brotherly hug. "All is well, Noah. I see that you are in your usual good mood." I returned. He looked at Tonya, nodding. "Well, with pretty women like her beside you, I can't help but feel a few of my years disappear." Tonya joined us in laughter. "This is Tonya, Mr. Lane. She is a hopeful addition to our congregation, but for now I'm simply showing her the more serene side of things." Noah nodded. I could tell that Tonya was comfortable, her posture shifting until she could relax comfortably against the pier's railing. "Yes, sir. If Adam here keeps treating me with such hospitality, I might just have to put my name down in his book." she chimed in. Noah adjusted his tie, afterward winking at her. "Trust me, there's nothing you want more than for that to be." he remarked. I shot him a look of caution, receiving a clutch of my hand from him afterward. "Well, now, let's settle into business. What will it be today?"

Tonya inquired with raised eyebrows as I rolled up my sleeves, heading onto the boat with them following close behind. Unpacking boxes beneath one of the boats, we each retrieved boxes of animal food. "I think we'll feed the flock." I said. What warmed my heart was to see Tonya participating as well, her purse set down and her hands carrying small bags of seed. Seagulls often inhabited the area, and it was our charity to keep them fed. "Tonya, you can watch if you want." I said. She shook her head as we reached the end of the pier. "I'm a southern girl. We don't mind working in the field. Besides, this has been a wonderful experience. I feel relaxed. As if I could tackle anything." she admitted. As we began to toss seed along the pier for the seagulls to feed from, I sighed softly. She would, indeed, need such strength in the coming day. Little did she know that she was about to face some of her greatest challenges yet.

...And soon enough, I would have to have faith that she would believe in God's grace and mercy. What she would face, I could not say. But the lesson of being able to find peace in the midst of trials was an obstacle that Tonya, I silently prayed, was ready for.

“Ugh! God why me?” I moaned. I was on my way home when my baby broke down on me. Only, I just bought the Kia Amanti two years ago. It seemed like in spite of this car being practically new I was buying parts for it almost every month. The car sputtered and attempted to start up. Once again just before it could roar to life it wheezed in defeat. Lightning broke through the clouds. I sat in the driver’s seat feeling overwhelmed. Resting my head on the steering wheel, I tried to figure out what I could do. I didn’t know who to call. For the first time in my life I was regretful of not having friends or making any deep relationships. The bitter taste of loneliness came face to face with me and I realized I needed help. Thunder shook the sky and caused me to become fearful. I tried taking deep breaths to calm my nerves but it was only causing me to feel even more cramped in this car. Alright Tonya. You will not break down. You can handle this. Think. How far are you from civilization? In my mind I began to feel hope because I knew I was about ten minutes in the car from my job. So on foot the journey would be about twenty minutes. I was just thinking that looked like a plan when I realized I couldn’t walk that distance in these heels. All the while, I was running out of time because the sky started darkening. I got out and looked under the hood of the car again. Looking only furthered my frustration because everything operating under that hood could have been written in Greek and I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. I closed it and climb inside the car just as the first drops of rain started to fall. This could not be happening. How could this happen to me? I locked the car door and climbed into the back seat. I thought that I would do what I did as a child when it thunder stormed. I would keep calm by singing praise songs and try to go to sleep. The sky only seemed to darken more as the rain metamorphosed from tinkering serene sounds to pummeling the car and making me feel that much smaller. I was getting scared. I wasn’t the kind to think I would die but I was fearful that it was going to be a long and very hard night. I started sniffing. My attempt at holding it together was quickly fading at the continuous cymbaling crescendos the thunder was making. I could feel the symphony in my chest and it only caused my breathing to quicken that much more. “Jesus loves the little children.” I started singing in between my sobs. I climbed into the back seat and curled into the fetal position rocking as I sang. “All the children of the world.” I broke down and began to cry real tears. For once the singing wasn’t working. I took off my suit jacket and put it over my head. Hearing the noise without seeing the damage made it that much more fearful. It was no “out of sight out of mind” type ordeal. A flood of tears began to gush down my face. I knew it wasn’t making me look too bad though because I only wore a little mascara. I racked my brain trying to think of what I could do to feel any better. I finally remember grandma’s words. When you’re feeling there’s no other way child, call the Way Maker. He’ll always provide. All you have to do it ask. I heard her voice clear as a bell. Ok Nanna. I shut my eyes even tighter than I ever had before. “Father, you know my fear of thunderstorms. Please bring my car back to life so that I can get home.” I climbed to the front again and again attempted to start the car but this time it didn’t even cough. It screeched loudly, causing me to jumped and let the ignition go. I began to feel even more hopeless. The wind started to get higher and I could see the water was starting to rise. Terror gripped my chest at the thought of being in a thunderstorm and a flood. Why didn’t my prayer work? I started thinking maybe my prayer was to specific. Frantic, I decided I was going to give God my all. “Lord. I need you. Please. I don’t care what or who it is. Please just send me a way out of this circumstance. No matter what it is.” In the midst of my prayer in the driver’s seat I didn’t hear the car pull up behind me.

He knocked on the window scaring the daylights out of me. I jumped and was so happy to see Adam Carter’s face at that time that I didn’t know what to do. I flew out of the car into his arms. “Adam! What are you doing here? Get in.” He climbed into the passenger side, getting out of the downpour. “How did you find me?” He smiled and said “I was thinking about you and decided to drive into town to see if you needed some company.” He looked into my face with sudden concern written across his face. “Are you ok?” he said. I was confused. He reached to me and wiped my face. “You’ve been crying.” I smiled; thankful he wasn’t a mind reader as I first thought. “I’m afraid of thunderstorms and I didn’t want to be caught out here especially if it floods.” The wind began to beat even harder. I wrapped my arms around myself and started my calming rock again. A sudden crash caused me to jump so hard I was left shivering afterwards. “Is something wrong with your car?” He shook his head. “No.” “Well do you think it would be safe to drive in the midst of this? I’d really like to get out of this.” He didn’t answer my question. “What are you so afraid of?” he asked. I shook my head. “I don’t know. Maybe the fact that it’s loud sounds or the fact that we’re in a large metal magnet for this lightning or the fact that people like me are the ones who die in these types of circumstances, alone.” I was shocked at my own honesty. He looked so relax and even had the audacity to recline his chair back. “You really think God would let you die in this type of circumstance?” I couldn’t believe his gall, he really wanted to have a “God has better for you” conversation now? I was beginning to get upset. “I don’t know. I don’t know what God has planned for me. I might not make it another day and I’d prefer death by natural causes but that might not be my end.” In spite of the whirlwind sounds outside his voice stayed steady and came out smooth, same as if we were laying under a shady tree in the middle of summer. He closed his eyes and propped both his hands behind his head. “Have you fulfilled your purpose yet?” I thought he was my way of security but I was steadily beginning to doubt that with each passing second. “Adam, you are not going to sleep!?” he smiled with his eyes still closed. “I just might. Thunder storms have always relaxed me; it’s always been a sign to me that God is working.” He sighed in complete contentment. “So anyways, your purpose. Have you fulfilled it yet?” I was completely lost so I figured I’d go with the flow in spite of the rising waters outside the car. “How can you know if you’ve fulfill something if you don’t know what the something is?” His voice became laced with sleep, “you’ll know when it’s time, but until then God wouldn’t take your life. Plus even if he did, how could Heaven be a demotion?”
I was feeling so overwhelmed, and was on the verge of tears again, in spite of my peeve of crying in front of people. They slowly trickled down my face. “Adam please. Will you please take me home?” He sat up and turned to me. “Have you no faith?” he asked. I didn’t answer. “Ok.” He decided. “We can go. Come on.” I ran through the buckets of rain trying hard not become soaked but it was with no use. My socks and shoes were saturated from the beginning stages of a flood and my clothes stuck to my body. I knew Adam was a good driver from our past adventure but having him drive in rain with possibilities of hydroplaning was scaring me. I tried not to say anything to make him uncomfortable but my discomfort must have been obvious in my rigid stance in the seat. “You know you can relax, right?” He asked almost as if he was teasing me. “It’s hard to relax when..” I trailed off. How can he not understand? This is no time for jokes. “How many times do I have to say I am afraid of thunderstorms and that I don’t want to die this way!? Do you care if I drown!?” He only shook his head and said, “Peace, be still.” Right before my eyes the wind died down and the rain gently came to a complete calm. I was stunned. “How did you do that?” He only smiled. “I didn’t do anything. I just prayed God would give you peace. And here it is. I told you there was no need to be afraid. Do you have no faith? I was still not convinced. I lay back in the chair, drained from all that had occurred. How can a man direct the rain and the winds? How strange. Maybe it was just coincidence. I thought to myself. My intensity began to wane and I was asleep before I knew it.

I awoke to Adam shake me softly telling me I was home and ask where my key was. I handed him my keychain and he found the house key relatively fast. He carried me in and laid me on the couch. “Sweet dreams Tonya.” I heard him say under my sleep fog and after that I only remember my dreams. I was in a ship, looking to the horizon. Adam was on the shore. I waved to him preparing to pull the ship back towards the shore but he began to come near. He was walking on water. I was utterly shocked. “It is not you” I said. But he only shook his head and said, “It is I. Come.” I stepped out to him, with my hands outstretched. In my mind, I began to doubt and as soon as I looked away from him to the water beneath my feet I began to sink. I called to Adam for help, as he was still afloat. “Adam, save me.” I pleaded. He grabbed me and held me up asking and rebuking, “Do you have no faith? Why do you still doubt?” I shook my head slightly saying, “I don’t know. I’m not sure of Him yet.”