Romeo and Juliet--A Parody | Teen Ink

Romeo and Juliet--A Parody

May 26, 2011
By CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
More by this author
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius


Author's note: I wrote this as a final assignment for our Romeo and Juliet novel study in English. I hope people will help me by giving me a bit of constructive criticism about plot, pacing, writing technique, dialogue, etc.

The author's comments:
It makes more sense if you've read the original Romeo and Juliet. Please provide some constructive criticism!

The man appeared in the middle of Main Street, wearing a doublet, breeches and a long flowing cloak. He seemed not to know where he was, but the expression of wonder on his face marked him as a tourist.
“What wondrous place didst that alchemist bring me to?” he said, talking to no one in particular.
There were glowing lights all along the street, which the man was transfixed by. It was dusk, but the streetlights were already on. In the glow of the setting sun, the man saw a young woman and a young man walking toward a house.
“Ah, what a fair maiden and a fine young man. They seem merry, but I sense an impending doom upon them. A star-cross’d love will interrupt their happiness, without a doubt.” He smiled. “T’will make a wondrous story, to be sure. I must follow them.”

“I love you Juliet.” Paris reached out to hold my hand and smiled.
“I love you too Paris.” I took my hand away. “But we’re going to be visiting my dad, so it would be a good idea not to hold hands. He might get the wrong idea.”
He sighed. “Of course. But if he lets you go to the dance, then he has to know we’re going to be holding hands while we dance.”
“Yes, but we need to make a good impression. We’re lucky he’s even letting me date.”
I knocked on the door to my house and my dad came to the door, holding the shotgun that he usually reserved for hunting. Paris stiffened beside me and a deer-caught-in-headlights look appeared on his face. I wasn’t scared in the least; I was furious.
“Dad, what’re you doing?”
“I’m making sure your boyfriend knows what will happen if he breaks your heart.”
“Dad, Paris is a fine young man. Would you rather I date some loser covered in tattoos and piercings?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean he’s good enough for you.” Dad casually loaded the gun.
“All we want to do is go to the dance! There’s going to be tons of chaperones; you can even come if you want to.”
“I’m not going to the dance and neither are you. Now, young man, you will leave or you will have your backside filled with rock salt and bacon rind.”
Paris lost his resolve; he turned and fled into the street. I knew he would text me and apologize later, but I was still mad.
“Dad! Now you’ve scared him away. We just wanted to go to the dance!”
“You’re not going anywhere with any guy, Juliet. Especially not that loser.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Paris! I love him, Dad.” I sighed. “I was really looking forward to going to the dance with him.”
“Well, you’re not going to the dance. Go to your room!”
“This isn’t fair,” I muttered, heading up to my room.
As soon as I was in my room, I texted Paris, saying I was going to the dance anyway and I would meet him there. He knew I was sneaking out, but he said it was fine and he would see me there. My dad was antisocial; he wouldn’t find out from anyone I had gone to the dance anyway.
I fixed my hair, then waited for my dad to go up to bed. He had been working all day at the office and he always went up to bed early. It was about 7:30 when he headed to bed, which was perfect because the dance started at 8:00.
I crept down the hallway past my dad’s room. He was talking in his sleep again, muttering about his rival, Mr. Montague. When I got to the door, I thought I heard footsteps coming down the hall and froze. All I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat thudding loudly in my chest. I counted to thirty, then opened the door and set off toward the town hall, where the dance was.
The whole time I was walking to the hall, I had the odd feeling someone was watching me. But every time I turned around to see if someone was there, all I could see was an empty street. The wind was a bit chilly; I crossed my arms and trudged on, heading for the dance and Paris.
Paris was waiting for me with open arms. I fell into his embrace, smiling.
“I’m so glad you snuck out. I know how strict your dad is.”
“It’s okay; I really wanted to come here.”
We went into the dance and Paris paid my entrance fee as well as his own. Almost everyone in the village was at the dance; there were even a few people from out of town there as well.
Paris and I danced together until I said I was thirsty and needed some water. He nobly volunteered to go and get some for me, so I went over to talk to my friends.
“That cute guy over there keeps watching you, Juliet.”
“What cute guy?” I looked around, searching for who Cat was talking about.
“That one over there, the one with those nice dark eyes and the brown hair. Juliet, he’s coming over here!”
“I don’t care; I’m dating Paris, Cat.”
“So? That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to any other guys.” Cat saw the guy heading directly for me and ran off, wanting to give me some privacy.
“I’m so glad to meet you.” The guy stopped right in front of me and stared. “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”
“Um…Thank you.” He started to move closer to me, but I stepped back. “Who are you?”
“Romeo Montague. What’s your name?”
“Juliet Capulet.” I looked around, searching for an excuse to leave. Paris was walking toward us, looking furious at Romeo. “That’s my boyfriend.”
I started to walk off, but Romeo grabbed my arm and pulled me close. He was going to kiss me when I slapped him across his left cheek and shook my arm to get rid of him. Paris hurried over, but Romeo was long gone before.
“Juliet, who was that guy?”

“Just some creep who tried to kiss me.”

“Well, I brought you some water.” He handed me a bottle of water and smiled. “Do you want to dance again?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” I took a sip of water, then let Paris lead me onto the dance floor.



“Ah, how much better would this story be if they were immediately attracted to each other.”
The strange man had found himself some modern clothes in a garbage can and had snuck into the dance to watch Juliet. He was utterly transfixed by the bodies gyrating to the music on the dance floor. The notebook and pen he found on the ground fascinated him as well; they were so much easier to write with than a quill and parchment.

“Please, tell me your number.”
“Listen, Romeo, I have a boyfriend and I’m in a perfectly happy relationship. I’m not giving my number to a complete stranger who keeps stalking me!”
“But I have fallen in love. When I saw you, it was love at first sight. Please, tell me.”
“Fine! Here’s my number.” I took the pen he was offering and scribbled it onto his arm. “Now leave me alone.”
“Are you okay? Why’s that guy following you?” Paris ran over to me, seeing that Romeo had been talking to me.
“It’s fine; he’s just a creep. I think I got rid of him for good.”
I was lying, but I wasn’t about to admit to Paris that I had given another guy my number. He would be annoyed and I didn’t want anything to spoil my evening. Paris and I were sitting at one of the tables and even over the music I could hear two people having a shouting match.
“You’re leaving me? We’ve been together for two months already!” a girl yelled.
I whirled around in my seat to see Romeo and another girl, standing barely ten feet away on the dance floor. They both looked angry.
“I don’t love you anymore. I met someone else!”
“How could you do this to me?”
“Rosaline, please understand.”
“No, just leave me alone. I never want to see you again!”
Rosaline stormed off, but Romeo didn’t bother to follow her. He turned around and stared straight at me. What was his problem?
My evening was fairly good, considering Romeo kept following Paris and I. He was never more than five feet away, which was creepy enough. But when he tried to follow me into the ladies’ washroom, I took out my cell phone and called the police.
“Please help me! This guy named Romeo Montague, the son of my dad’s business rival, keeps stalking me. He’s been following me all evening and he just tried to follow me into the ladies’ washroom. It’s Juliet Capulet calling.”
“I’ll send an officer immediately.”
“Juliet? Sweet Juliet, where are you?”
Romeo had followed me into the washroom! I ran into a stall and locked it, hoping he wouldn’t be crazy enough to try and break down the door. He knocked on the door and said,
“I know you’re in there Juliet. Why are you running from destiny? We are meant to be together!”
“No, we’re not. Go away! I’ve already called the cops.”
My timing was perfect because before Romeo had a chance to reply, a voice said,
“Hold it right there! You’re under arrest.”
I came out of the stall in time to see Romeo run out the door, right past the cop. The cop drew his gun and ran after him, yelling that he was only making the situation worse for himself. I shook my head and walked out of the washroom. Paris was waiting for me, a look of concern on his face.
“Juliet are you okay?” He hugged me tightly.
“I’m fine; the cops will take care of him.” I smiled shakily. “Come on, the DJ said this was the last song.”
Paris smiled and led me out onto the dance floor for the last song. The whole time we were dancing, my phone kept vibrating. Someone was texting me constantly but I definitely didn’t want to spoil the last dance by replying. I thought they would get the message, but they kept texting me even after the dance was over and I was on my way home.
Curious as to the identity of the person, I flipped open my phone and saw that I had forty-two new text messages. All from the same sender: Romeo Montague.
I love you.
Every single message said exactly the same thing: I love you. When did he have time to send me those texts? Surely the cops had caught him by now!

The mysterious stranger followed Juliet as she walked home, scribbling furiously in his notebook. The boy named Romeo had caught his eye and he loved the idea of children from rival families falling in love.
“Two households, both alike in dignity,” He muttered as he wrote in the notebook. “Yes, they shall be rivals but their children should love each other deeply. The rivalry of their family shall bring about the star-cross’d lovers doom.”

Check local news. Lover boy is on.
I got the text from Cat as soon as I blocked Romeo’s number from my phone. What on earth was she talking about? Paris couldn’t be on the news; he had just texted me to say goodnight.
I turned on the little TV in my room, flipping to the local news channel. When I saw what the latest news story was, I dropped the remote and gaped at the TV.
There was a high speed car chase in progress out on Highway 5 and it was none other than Romeo Montague that the cops were chasing. He was speeding away in a black Cadillac (probably a gift from his rich dad) that the cops were struggling to keep up to. The reporter stated the chase had reached top speeds of 150 kilometres per hour, despite the awful roads here. At that speed, it was a miracle no one had crashed yet.
Suddenly Romeo lost control of his car and it hit a guardrail. I watched in amazement as the car flipped end over end twice before skidding and coming to a rest almost a hundred feet from the highway. The cops were out of their vehicles running to the car to see if he had survived the crash. But before they could reach the car, Romeo squeezed through a broken window and ran off into the woods. It was amazing he was alive, let alone still running from the cops.
Haha. Very funny Cat.
I texted Cat before I shut off my phone for the night. Her sense of humour was definitely not the same as mine, at least not right now. Oh well, she would bug me for a week about it, then forget about it altogether. With that comforting thought, I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face.

I awoke to a strange tapping sound. There would be one tap, a short pause and then another tap. It seemed to be coming from my window.
Reluctantly, I got out of bed and dragged my feet across the cold floor to the window. I looked to see if it was the thick oak tree’s branches tapping at the window, but the night was completely calm. Suddenly, a pebble hit the lower corner of my window. Puzzled, I opened it and looked down into the garden below.
“Anybody there?” I whispered out into the night.
“It’s Romeo, my love.” The voice came from the oak tree.
“What are you doing here? I called the cops on you before; I’ll do it again.” I reached to close the window, but Romeo scrambled to the end of the branch and held the window. “Let go or I’ll scream and wake up my dad. He’ll kill you; you’re Mr. Montague’s son.”
“If no longer being a Montague would make you love me, then I’ll give up my name.”
“Your name doesn’t matter to me, you’re a stalker whether you’re a Montague or not!”
“But sweet Juliet, it is written in the stars: Romeo and Juliet, a love for all time!”

“Ah, Romeo and Juliet are truly star-cross’d lovers.”
The stranger was lurking in the shrubs not five feet from the oak tree, writing everything down. Of course, he was taking a bit of creative license and only using the basic ideas from this event. Romeo visiting his love’s balcony after the party was the perfect demonstration of the fact he couldn’t get her off his mind.
“But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!” he murmured as he scribbled the words in his notebook. “The beauty of the moon is pale in comparison to the beauty of Juliet; I can hardly blame Romeo for falling for her charms. But why does the lady not return his love?”
He wanted to give the lovers some privacy, but he also knew this would be a great inspiration for a new play. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet would speak to the heartsick and the love-struck. It would be a great romance, one that would stand the test of time and become famous throughout the world.

“Go away. If you leave and I never see you again; I won’t tell the cops about this.”
“But why would I never want to see my love again?” His dark eyes seemed to be pleading with me. “Will you be my girlfriend?”
“No! I’m in a happy relationship with Paris; I don’t want to be your girlfriend.”
I tried to slam the window shut but Romeo held tightly onto it. I went back into my room to find something to throw at him. I had an empty flower pot on the floor (my poor flowers had died long ago because I forgot to water them) so I grabbed that and walked back to the window.
“I see it in your eyes; you love me as well. We could get married and run away from this place.”
“I don’t love you and we’re not getting married, Romeo.”
The branch he sat on was a bit lower than my window, so I held the flower pot above his head and casually dropped it. The flower pot broke over his head and he swore.
“My love, why would you do such a thing?”
“Leave me alone, you creep.”
The flower pot landing on his head didn’t seem to affect him much, but it did make him let go of my window. I quickly shut it and locked it. Who knew what he would try to do? He was obviously mentally ill; you had to feel sorry for him. But the more he stalked me, the less sympathy I had for him. At this point, my sympathy was almost nonexistent.
I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep, but I had the strange feeling that someone was watching me. For a while I kept rolling over, trying to find a comfortable spot, but I just couldn’t get to sleep. The feeling that someone was watching me was so overwhelming that I turned on the light and looked around my room. I almost screamed when I saw Romeo’s face looking in through my window.
When Romeo saw that I knew he was there, he scrambled down the oak tree and ran off, jumping and barely clearing the garden wall. I kept looking out my window for quite some time, sure that I had seen something in the shrubs move. After staring at the shrubs for almost an hour, I gave up and went back to bed, exhausted.

The stranger had spent a good half of the night in the shrubs, writing the romantic scene between Romeo and Juliet. He was so exhausted that he had fallen asleep in the shrubs and didn’t wake up until it was almost noon.

“Something exciting is afoot! I can sense it in the air. The waters of tension are boiling over and I sense a tragic outcome of today.”

“There is young Juliet and her friends; I must follow them. Doom is drawn to her beauty like a moth to a flame.”


“Why’re you so tired, Juliet?” Cat asked.

“I was up until midnight at the dance; then I didn’t fall asleep until four in the morning.”

“Were you thinking about the cute guy from the dance?”

“Don’t be stupid, Cat,” I snapped. “I just couldn’t get to sleep, that’s all.”

“Well, my dad says they still haven’t caught him.” Cat’s dad was a cop. “He must be good if he’s still on the run.”

“I hope they catch him; he’s probably severely mentally ill. He needs help.”

“And if you weren’t dating Paris you would have gone out with him, wouldn’t you?”

“No! Cat, he was stalking me. Get it through your head: I don’t like him!”

“Whatever you say.” Cat stopped abruptly and stared at the convenience store. “Look who’s coming this way.”

I squinted to see who she was looking at. “Miranda and Betty? What’s the big deal?”

“They made a fool of me in front of my boyfriend.”

“Calm down; you don’t really want to fight.” I tried to soothe her bad mood.

“Yes I do! They have to learn that they can’t get away with whatever they want.” She smiled briefly. “They’re heading right this way.”

“Let’s go, Cat.”

I grabbed her arm and tried to steer her away, but she stood firm. A vicious yet arrogant look was planted firmly on her features. There was no stopping her, not when she was in this mood.

“Hey Catherine, how’s your boyfriend?” Miranda, the shorter one asked. She knew full well Cat hated her full name.

“He’s doing fine, but he’d be a lot better if he didn’t have to see your ugly face every day.”

Miranda flew at Cat, ready to fight. But Cat was ready for her and she had taken three years of judo; she was more than a match for Miranda. In a matter of seconds, Miranda was on the ground and Cat didn’t even have her hair out of place. So much for a dramatic fight between two rivals.


The man was watching the whole scene from a spruce tree a few feet away. He scowled, disappointed in such behaviour from women. How much more exciting would it have been if it were men duelling each other!

“Juliet’s friend, this ‘Cat’, shall be called Tybalt. Tybalt, the king of cats!” he smiled and wrote it down.

“Oh, happy fortune! The love-stricken Romeo is coming this way.” He carefully climbed down from the tree to greet the young man. “Prithee, lad, what ails thee?”

“Huh?”

The man furrowed his brow; this lad was a bit slow. “You are a love-stricken lad with nothing to look forward to here. Pray, come with me and be a part of my great tragedy called ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ My theatre performs plays for the Queen herself!”

“Sure, I’ll come with you.” He sighed. “Anything is better than sticking around here with the cops after me.”

So the two men went back to where the stranger had appeared just the other night.

“What’s your name, by the way?” Romeo asked the man.

“Shakespeare. William Shakespeare.”

The author's comments:
So what do you think of my parody?

Juliet and Paris dated for many years to come and eventually got married after Juliet graduated from university with a degree in English literature. Cat, her best friend went on to become a martial arts instructor and thoroughly enjoyed her work. Juliet’s father succeeded in surpassing Mr. Montague and became the owner of a very successful business that made costumes for movie companies.

Shakespeare returned to his own time with Romeo and wrote the epic tragedy ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ Romeo performed in the play as himself and often moved the audience to tears. He became a favourite of Queen Elizabeth I and lived a long, happy life in medieval London.



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This book has 209 comments.


on Jun. 16 2011 at 9:47 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

Thanks, introducingshelby!  I really appreciate the time you're taking to read my novel.  And yes, I like to think my dialogue is the best part of the novel. :)

on Jun. 16 2011 at 9:44 pm
introducingshelby GOLD, San Diego, California
15 articles 1 photo 139 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they go right, and things fall apart so better things can fall together.&quot;<br /> -Marilyn Monroe

The dialouge that you've written in this novel.. it's HILARIOUS. I love the way it plays out, and the plot is really, really clever. I'm still yet on the first chapter, and I haven't any suggestions yet! Thumbs up c:

on Jun. 14 2011 at 4:25 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

Thanks, Chelzrulz!  I appreciate the time you took to read my novel. 

I know my characterization wasn't very strong (I did write this in only five hours) and in the future I'll fix that.  But how do you think I should make my sentences stronger?


on Jun. 14 2011 at 1:26 pm
ChelzRulz SILVER, Sparta, New Jersey
7 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You can turn off the sun, but I&#039;m still gonna shine.&quot; - Jason Mraz<br /> &quot;Life is a rollercoaster, live it, be happy, enjoy life.&quot; -Avril Lavigne<br /> &quot;The answer is wrong, but I luv you!&quot; - Mrs. Spelman<br /> &quot;Carpe Diem- seize the day!!&quot; -Mrs. Spelman

I love it!!!  I thought it was so creative especially how Shakespeare is watching- so clever!  Also, love modern teenage era twist .  The only thing I'd say is to make your sentences stronger- more characterization too.  Great job!  I enjoyed it :)

on Jun. 12 2011 at 12:08 am
AvengedJasonfoldForever BRONZE, Middletown, Delaware
3 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You are about to die. Scream if you Must.&quot; -Fire Emblem character

wow that's a long school year I graduated in may...

anyway I have a tendency to hesitate sending first draft stuff in favor of sending 2nd drafts too but I think for the sake of feedback it doesn't matter which you send unless you're changing the whole story up or something.

make things faster you can send it to .j.h.e.w.e.t..t.7.2. at y.a.h.o.o.. (no periods in it) if you're cool with using email instead of this slow website lol


on Jun. 11 2011 at 11:40 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

It's okay for assuming I write romances; a lot of teenage girls do. :)

And thanks for saying I'm a pretty mature writer.  I like to think I am.  (Yes, me and my super ego).

I have a favourite piece of sci-fi/fantasy (it's sort a mix, but it's more sci-fi than fantasy), but currently I'm writing a second draft.  I've been neglecting it lately, but when I finally do get around to finishing it, I will post it on Teen Ink.  Right now the title I'm working with is 'Inhuman', so maybe you could look for that in the months to come.  Progress will be swift once school is out on the 29th. :)


on Jun. 11 2011 at 11:12 pm
AvengedJasonfoldForever BRONZE, Middletown, Delaware
3 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You are about to die. Scream if you Must.&quot; -Fire Emblem character

in case it didn't post;

I don't like Twilight either but I think she's a good writer from what little I've read of hers. (the movie sucked)

sorry for assuming that you wrote romances (all excuses aside lol)

Annnnnd I've been working on a sci-fi novel for 5 years trying to make my protag super unique and stuff. Most fantasy/sci-fi protags are the same--especially in teen lit. I wonder if yours is/are unique because you seem like a pretty mature writer and that usually leads to potential for uniqueness :P

 

Do you have a favorite piece of something you wrote? I'll check it out if you wanna share it. I need to look at how people develope unique characters to help me devlope mine and reading polished published work won't help with that :P

 


on Jun. 11 2011 at 11:06 pm
AvengedJasonfoldForever BRONZE, Middletown, Delaware
3 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You are about to die. Scream if you Must.&quot; -Fire Emblem character

I see what you're saying. I didn't like Twilight either--never finished the book but I could tell she's a good writer. (I saw the first movie so I'm scarcely familiar with it)

I suggested romance because I was under the impression that since you were trying to satirize a "romance" and since many elements of your style reminded me of authors like Laurie Halse Anderson who write books about how much it sucks to be in high school (and that includes a lot of romance) but let's be real, I shouldn't assume because it makes an @$$ out of u + me

Anyway. I can imagine what a fantasy character of yours will be like based on what I've seen here and from how most people write fantasy. But I will not assume this time! I wonder if your character is unique. You seem like a mature writer so that usually leads to uniqueness :P

What's your favorite thing you've ever written? I'll check it out if you wanna share it.


on Jun. 11 2011 at 3:02 pm
MollyDoubleU BRONZE, Minooka, Illinois
3 articles 5 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.&quot; - The Great Gatsby

For a first submission, I thought it was excellent! Yeah, if it was in Italics, I might have been able to follow along. And granted, I did read this earlier in the morning, so I might not have been completely functional yet. Hahaha :)

on Jun. 11 2011 at 2:17 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

Thanks so much, musicalmolly!  I appreciate the time you took to read my novel and I apologize for the Shakespeare parts being confusing, but this was my very first submission.  I wish they had kept the italic format I had.

on Jun. 11 2011 at 2:14 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

1.  I bothered to write it for an English assignment, then I posted it on Teen Ink just to see what other people thought of it.  It was a kind of "Whatever, I'll see how this goes" moment.

2.  You definitely have a point about the characterization.

3.  Excuse me for shuddering, but I am terrible at writing romances.  The thought of writing one makes me ill, actually.  I really don't like Twilight, so I'm not sure if that comparison is a compliment of not.  But that's irrelevant.  Generally, I write science fiction or fantasy.


on Jun. 11 2011 at 9:53 am
AvengedJasonfoldForever BRONZE, Middletown, Delaware
3 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You are about to die. Scream if you Must.&quot; -Fire Emblem character

If you don't enjoy writing something then why bother?

And if you look at Shakespeare's characterization of Romeo, nothing about him is supposed to be creepy. A modern audience might see his actions as creepy, but since the other characters--especially Juliet don't see them as creepy, he isn't a creep. He's an exaggerated young lover and so is Juliet. They're both comedic characters. But you interpreting him as a creeper can work in a parody, but in order to do that you'd have to make him more of a one-dimensional character by taking characteristics of real Romeo that could be interpreted as creeper and then super exaggerating them so that the audience KNOWS he is a hardcore creeper, and the other characters' reactions would have to be different. Maybe Juliet doesn't see him as a creeper, but guys like Tybalt and Mercutio would have to see it. Tybalt would be like "get that creeper away from my cousin!" and Mercutio would be like "Thou art a creeper saucy knave!"

The overall tone of this reminds me of twilight actually and I think from what I've read this shows that you're a good writer but the style you used here doesn't exactly fit for a comedy. It's more of a style that has elements of comedy, which is really good to have for teenage lovemance novels like Sloppy Firsts which was a great book.

I would love to see something of yours in a different genre since you say comedy isn't really your thing. I bet you could do something like a dating scene really well. Like "boy takes girl to movies and you'll never believe what happens next" kind of thing.


on Jun. 11 2011 at 9:46 am
MollyDoubleU BRONZE, Minooka, Illinois
3 articles 5 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.&quot; - The Great Gatsby

Hilarious! If this was the version of Romeo and Juliet that we read in my English 1 class, I would have enjoyed it much more. I like your idea of not describing them to have people keep their original image. The beginning was a little confusing to me, and I only caught on when you told us who the mysterious stranger was in the shrubs (William Shakespeare). I didn't understand the Miranda and Betty part until you explained it in the comments. That was very clever of you. And I liked the whole Cat = Tybalt concept. I remember reading something about Tybalt resembling a cat or something in my English class.

All in all, this was a pleasure to read. Great job, and keep you the great work! I can't wait to read more of your material. :D


on Jun. 11 2011 at 12:27 am
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

Thanks for taking the time to read my novel, AvengedJasonfoldForever.  I really appreciate your criticism as well.

But I would like to point out that I did emphasize character traits, at least in some characters.  Romeo, for example, was sort of a creepy stalker in the original play.  For my novel, I made him a real stalker.

I don't particularly enjoy writing comedy and I know I'm not particularly good at it either.  This was my first and likely last attempt at comedy.


on Jun. 10 2011 at 10:20 pm
AvengedJasonfoldForever BRONZE, Middletown, Delaware
3 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You are about to die. Scream if you Must.&quot; -Fire Emblem character

J7X Feedback: you asked for it!

I used to call this simon feedback but J7X is only 3 letters and I am lazy. However one thing that I am very incredibly passionate about is comedy and I've studied the art of satire to the point where I actually taught a 12th grade honors english class how to write a good satire after my "high school survival guides" caused a stir... 

all credibility aside I think this story shows promise for you as a writer but not necessarily a satirist. I say that because you seem to be getting a pretty good sense of flow and dialogue tags and all that stuff.

Though there are bits of humor scattered throughout, you're not making fun of R&J or shakespeare's style. You're re-writing it and adding your own bits of humor. Nothing wrong with that, but that's also not a parody.

A parody is more of a mocking type thing. If I were to make a parody of Twilight I would ask myself "what are the flaws?" or "what is peculiar about it and distinguishable?" or "what ticks me off about Edward?"

Then I would exaggerate the flaws--for instance, Edward is a really creepy dude. He uses too much eyeliner in the movie.

Harry Potter: Voldemort has no nose. In a parody, I would give him a gigantic nose. That's ironic.

There's so many different techniques to use in parodies. Be more creative with twisting and turning already-made-material. It's almost impossible to create a totally original comedy--all jokes are making fun of something

Keep having fun with this stuff. I will tell you from experience that the shorter these spoofs are, the more likely people will read them.

For more info on comedy, just ask. I've been studying it all my life.


on Jun. 9 2011 at 10:19 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

Thanks for the comment, .Izzy.!  I'm glad you enjoyed my parody.  And you're right, Romeo was a bit of a creep in the original.

.Izzy. BRONZE said...
on Jun. 9 2011 at 5:45 pm
.Izzy. BRONZE, Broadview Heights, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 388 comments
I just read Romeo and Juliet in my English class a few months ago, I really loved that book, though I did think Romeo was a bit of a creep even in the original :b This was very funny and I really enjoyed it. Good job!

on Jun. 7 2011 at 7:30 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.&quot; --Douglas Adams<br /> <br /> &quot;The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.&quot; --Marcus Aurelius

Thanks for the feedback, NavishJ!  I apologize for not separating Shakespeare from the text more, but this was my first submission and the italics I originally had those passages in got lost in the copying and pasting process. 

I know the ending was a bit quick, but really, there wasn't much to say.  And my English assignment was due. :)

I didn’t really describe Romeo and Juliet because I wanted people to use their imaginations.  Everyone has a different image of the famous couple and I wanted them to keep that image.  Maybe I should have described them, but it’s too late now.

Miranda and Betty were actually Mercutio and Benvolio, two characters who were on the Montague side in the play.  And yes, they (I don't remember which one or if it was both) did fight Tybalt.  They don’t play a huge role in my story, but they had pretty big roles in the play.

Anyway, thank you so much for all the feedback!


SJ_101 said...
on Jun. 7 2011 at 6:42 pm
SJ_101, Somewhere, New York
0 articles 0 photos 169 comments

This was excellent! :) In the beginning, I have to be honest, I was a little confused. The man was talking in old English, "What wondrous place didst that alchemist bring me to?" And then, Juliet and Paris were talking about texting. I thought that was odd. But, then, in the end, I understood that the man (Shakespeare) time-traveled to the future for an idea for his play.

Also, I have to say that there should have been more to the ending. The beginning was fine, but the ending went a little too fast. I hope you know what I mean by that. Basically, I felt sort of lost at the ending. I mean, the beginning was just great! But, the ending felt . . . a little different. I sort of expected more to happen in between.

You should have described more about Juliet & Romeo. Like, you should have described their features. Even a brief description would have worked. I noticed that you said Juliet was beautiful, but I didn't have an image in mind of how she looked like. To be honest, I imagined a rowdy girl with brown hair and freckles. LOL, I don't know why. Maybe it's because of her behavior.

What else? Hmm . . . I don't understand what Miranda and Betty have to do with anything. I feel that it was irrelevant, especially since your story was sort of a fast-forward version of the real version. They didn't really make a huge impact on the events.

Other than that, this was truly a well-written story. I love the plot idea! :) You kept my curiousity perked up at all times. Keep writing!

NOTE: I'm sorry my feedback took so long. I sort of hand a lot of studying to do. I hope you don't mind!


WiseGirl said...
on Jun. 6 2011 at 10:48 am
WiseGirl, Adams, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I think, therefore I am.&quot;<br /> -Rene Decartes

No problem!