Find Yourself | Teen Ink

Find Yourself

March 18, 2011
By Emily Thomas BRONZE, Cave Creek, Arizona
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Emily Thomas BRONZE, Cave Creek, Arizona
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Dazzling, bright lights spring out leaving me blind wwithmy eyes worn out. Old men scatter the crowd wwithbizarre mustaches covering their faces, hollering burns your ears from the screaming of young children winning the greatest stuffed animal, which is willing to tear within the next hour. From the corner of my eye I spy a wild roller-coaster making peoples’ throat ache from the exhaustion of not knowing what would happen if we sharply turn at this point. Water spits out at me, making me ignore the fact of the humidity making an ethereal cloud crowd around the carnival.
“Here I am, at the carnival, spying down from the top of the Ferris Wheel.” exclaimed Annie, feeling like the queen of the universe, wwithher silky auburn hair waving side to side to the beat of the wind, and holding the note she received from her friend Daniel to meet here, at the carnival soon as possible. “This is where I come when I have no one to talk to, no one to look up to, and not even anyone to dance in the rain with.”





“The carnival is beautiful from up here; time feels still as if someone is there for you, as if someone is here for you to talk to or cry your feelings out.” Daniel whispered, keeping his raspy voice calm trying to not to start crying from the past flash back of lying beside his dad holding his weak hand, telling him his hearts wearying out without him in his life. Daniel’s mind pounds wwithpain, reminding him to be home for dinner by 5.

“Well, I better go, my mother said to be home by 5.” Daniel said wiping his face replete wwithdepressing tears.






“Okay, well will I see you tomorrow at school, and take this I made it for you the other night?” questioning, wwiththoughts of hope in her head to have her best friend by her side at the terrifying large school, wwithnumerous different kids walking around, some in deep conversations, wwithothers trying to stay calm before their first quiz of the year. Daniel walked away wwithhis shoulders slumped over wwithhis note clenched in his hand, acting as if he dreaded to go home to his four other sisters and his depressed mom, wwithtired eyes and a forced smile enough to make you cry within a first glance. Daniel turned away wwithno answer, leaving Annie wwithno choice but to go through another ride on this Ferris wheel. As Daniel walked away he unfolded the note, and read it realizing how great of a friend Annie was to him. She is so special to him, and he had to remember that, on this day Daniel walked home wwitha bright smile.

The sky filled wwithgloomy clouds, reminding her of the day that Daniel and her had spent the day lying in the bright green field staring up in the indigo sky and examining the clouds, and making them into big fluffy bunnies, or turtles holding an umbrella. Daniel and Annie have known each other since first grade. There never ending friendship will forever last, like a butterfly wwithbeautiful long wings, slowly growing, making the butterfly soar side to side filling the air wwithbeautiful songs of joy.








Before August 28, 2010, every smile lit wwithhappiness as Andrew Sawn, also known as Daniels dad, passed by gleaming in the distance. Andrew always made Daniel happy, wwitha heart ready to go on an exciting adventure wwithhis dad, making the day forever shine in his head. Andrew was a healthy man who made everyone smile and laugh till dawn. On August 28, 2010 every smiling face faded to the words “Andrew Sawn is dead.” The death happened on a thundering day, wwithevery butterfly swept away wwiththe wind. The house was empty wwithno joke to laugh to, wwithno song to sing to. The house filled wwithsilence, wwithDaniel’s four sisters staring down to the ground wondering to the Lord, “Why did this happen?” “Will he ever come back?” Daniel ran into the forest running away from the breaking news he prayed wasn’t true. Daniel’s legs ached, from running on the damp gravel sinking down wwitheach step he took. Daniel’s mom chased in the distance slowly giving up on this hard life, minutes later Daniel gave up lying on a soggy rock, letting his mom wwithwrinkled eyes and large bruises on her knees from falling hard on sharp rocks trying to chase after her weak son.

The fading day will always be remembered. Today, August 28, 2011, Daniel stood in the dark crow around the shining tombstone, decorated wwithflowers. More than 2,000 people stood in the crowd young and old, men and women, strong and weak. “Andrew Sawn, father, brother, and husband died August 28, 2010 wwitha strong heart and a working body who got put to rest…” Everyone layered the tombstone wwithbright daisies representing the brightness Andrew put into people’s lives, wwitha seed representing the growth of relationships he had wwithso many people young and old.

The funeral ended wwitheveryone wwithtears dripping of their faces. Daniel and Annie walked together to the car, holding hands trying to keep each other strong. “Let’s go home, I’m exhausted.” exclaimed Daniel, trying to get the thought out of his head that a year ago his father died leaving Daniel the man of the house wwiththe biggest responsibility to keep everyone safe, and strong. “Sounds great, I will walk youre.” said Annie wanting to make sure Daniel was okay, and didn’t feel alone. “Wait, I know where to go.” Daniel excitedly said, making his face fill wwithhis first smile of the day. Annie wondering started to slowly follow, having to force herself to unlock her legs.

The smell reminded Daniel of fresh warm vanilla. The smell made Daniel feel confident and remind him of the sensitive embraces, his mother gave him, when he was younger. “Hey Daniel.” Lizzie said, sounding to excite to not recognize what occurred this exact day 1 year ago. “Hey darling,” Daniel said wiping his drenched face, trying to look as normal as possible. “How is your day so far?” “Awful, painful, disappointing!” answered Ashley entering the room, with large bags around her eyes from crying so much.

I woke up clueless, lost, with my head in pain. Have I waken from a dream? Was the nightmare I just had true? I find myself lying in the ground, in a familiar place. With a voice of a little girl, my ears ring causing my head to have a burning sensation inside, making my ears tear and become blurry. Where am I? In front of me blazing cars come my way with their astounding lights burning into my eyes. I try to crawl as swift as I can to escape from getting hit by a car, but it’s too late, the sound of the natural jagged noise with cars passing screams in my sensitive ears. I shut my eyes, and can’t think; a sturdy wind pulls my body as the car hits me parting me on the ground trembling with fear. Wait, something is wrong, no pain shoots into my body, no busted bones. An outlandish man runs past me, with curly hair, and bizarre weights hanging against his body.

“Hey! Can you tell me where I am at?” I ask with my bottomless voice beginning to grow bitter from the enraged winds. But, the man keeps his pace, as if he didn’t see me, or hear me. Followed by the strange man, comes a young woman with her blazing eyes piercing through the current of air as she fights to reach the end of the arch, which I find myself standing in the middle of. I pull myself up from the jagged pavement and situate my strength into asking her “where I am?”
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” I wait hoping for an answer, but similar to the other man the distinctive girl passed by as if I wasn’t there or she didn’t have the sense of hearing me. My legs begin to have the urge to walk so I drag my feet against the floor while I look around for someone to talk to. Questions fly through my mind, and I am beginning to grow a knot in my stomach full of fear. My head begins to feel a cold, dark chill inside of it, causing my eyes to be forced shut. My eyes stay shut and a dark, frightening scene floats in my brain, making my body drop to the ground with my hands bracing myself to stay awake. But my body can’t take it any longer, my heart beat swifts and I notice a vivid picture in my head sending chills down my body.

The trees sway in the distance, as I walk along the street to the community park near my house. I am 13, with my sterling blue eyes twinkling in the bright sun, and my shaggy hair flipping through the wind. My surroundings fill with the sounds of birds and the uneven thud of my feet scuffling against the pavement.

As I get to the park, my friend approaches me with her deep brown eyes full of excitement and her striped shirt that she received on her recent birthday, which we spent together in the local theatre known for the savoring popcorn that melts in your mouth.
“Hey Andrew,” Annabell speaks with her mouth to the side and her hand out stretched towards me to give me a high- five.

“How are you?” I reply back with a sigh and ready for an intense game of basketball.
“I am good, want to get started?” I start walking towards the court and Annabell follows behind me. Annabell and I met in the first grade with a single word of “hello” in the middle the kindergarten playground. Each and every day Annabell and I spend time with each other, make each other laugh, and dance in the rain together. Since first grade I knew she was the one I could depend on, and trust till we grow old.
Two long hours roll by, as Annabell and I run through the wind, capturing great memories, filled with happiness and joy. As we walk home, it grows cold as the sun goes down. I toss the ball in my arms, side to side but loose balance and accidently roll it in the street. Without thinking I run in the street to retrieve the basketball. I picked up the ball, when the strong scream rings in my ears. The urgent scream sounded familiar, that scream belonged to Anna.

I immediately look back in fear. Annabell is running towards me, with her face in fear angled towards the street. At the corner of my eye I spy a car speeding towards making a screeching sound trying to stop and drive around me. I freeze and can't move, but out of nowhere someone push me out of the way, causing me to fly into the dirt with a large gash stretched across the delicate arm. Annabell lies beside me not surprised on the decision I made to not look before I crossed the street. I am speechless on what to say, from the bravery Annabell always puts up with me. My eyes zoom to my surroundings but the car is out of sight.
"Thanks." I manage to spit out as I stand up feeling a sharp pain in the back of my leg. Annabell replies with a nod and a smile making me feel guilty with all the trouble I put Annabell through. Her golden hair waves through the wind with a rhythm, and her piercing indigo eyes lighten up the air feeling me with warm feelings inside.
My eyes awake from the image in my head, with my eyes wanting to stay closed, and continue the blurry image in my head.
"Are you okay?" behind me stands a rather tall young lady, who reflects a light upon me, making her seem like an angel.
"Yes, I am fine thanks. But if you don't mind me asking where are we?" I ask trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Well, look around." the lady mumbles with a beam voice. I look around finding myself in the center of Eureka, California.

"Do you know why you're here?” she questions, making me wonder and why things are starting to grow odd.

"No?" I step back, beginning to rrealizehow unusual it’s getting.

"I'm Jenna Gronald; I am here to tell you're lesson of life." She talks with her arms spread out inviting me to walk with her along a trail located besides us.

"Why am I here?" my eyes begin to fill with tears of fear and devastation beginning to think the question I felt earlier was true.

"Come on; walk with me as I explained what happened.












We are such stuff
as dreams are made on, and our little life
is rounded with a sleep…"

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I mutter with my head down wondering if this is a dream.

“Is human life just a dream, from which we never really awake, as some immense thinkers claim? Are we submerged by our feelings, by our loves and hates, by our idea of good, bad, beautiful, or awful? Are we incapable of knowing beyond those ideas and feelings? Life, meaning of for nearly everyone is it’s important to think that his or her life has a purpose. But these purposes may be various; the purpose of one person’s life may be to achieve one kind of goal, or another person’s goal is to achieve a different kind of goal. What is your goal Andrew? Andrew’s head focuses on the area they suddenly appear in, being marked the spot where he spent the whole day with his son Daniel in the park. His throat swells not being able to talk but as he tries to talk he realizes how he has no clue what his goal is.

"Andrew?" Jenna questioned as she saw me confused.
“-I um…don't really know?" I mutter under my breath.





"Come on, you will soon find what it was." As I follow her, our surroundings change showing memories throughout my life, from the first time I went to the beach with flocks of birds above, and the salty smell within the air; and the significance of being at the California's Amusement park with my father, and being able to hold his hand during the rollercoaster, feeling safe for once. Tears fill my eyes as I see all these memories forgetting how important my family was, during the time when I faded away and ended up here.

The lights dimmed as I am suddenly in the center of the street down the road from my house. The picture feels me up with chills as I watch myself nearly get hit by a car. The car barely hits me, and that’s when I can't watch anymore making me throw my hands over my eyes.

"Why are you showing me this?" I cry out, not being able to watch myself crawl out of Annabell's arms.
"The person in that car was me, Jenna Gronald. As I swiveled away from you I lost control of the wheel and drove into the building a block from the destination you were. My head slammed down on the steering wheel killing me instantly. They found me 30 minutes later, but came too late, to save me.

"Wait, I killed you?" I manage to stand up and murmur the words I thought I would never have to say. Jenna nods her head, making a bulky knot form in the pit of my stomach.

"I have been waiting here in heaven to tell you your life lesson. I had a person awaiting for me, and I am here for you. " she said proudly.


"Our family brings out the best and the worst of us. A family is the bond where you meet your parents, grandparents, siblings and other family members. Just by observing how these relationships blend with each other and understanding one another allows us to know the importance of a family. Remember the last time you went out for a family vacation or had a family reunion? Or even exchanged gifts with your family members on a festive occasion? Difficult to recall, right! While during childhood, these delicate bonds sound interesting and fascinating, but as we grow up and mature, family members become just like any other load or bound. But nonetheless, these are the relationships that help you manage you with your ups and downs in life. Mind it, those bubbly and greedy friends and loved ones are not going to lend you a shoulder in your tough times. A family is a support group, people who will be there for you and love you no matter what you do in your life. They're people who you can come home to, share your day with and laugh with. They make your life and efforts very meaningful." Continued Jenna making my mind want to burst on what she just said.

"My son, Daniel was only 13-years-old I left him all alone, and my daughters how could I leave all of them, why did this happen?" Cried Andrew.

"All things happen for a reason, Andrew and this happened on purpose to show how important you were to the family and how they shouldn't have taken you for granted," Jenna replied. "your loss was a gain to your family with their hearts opening up to see how beautiful life was with a father, and for them to know how you impacted their lives." Daniel's eyes opened wide, and began to understand what she was trying to reveal.

"So…basically shine your brightest and don't let one little thing ruin your life while your life can be revolving around something more important, like family." Exclaimed Andrew feeling way better inside.
"Exactly." Jenna replied while taking a seat on a rock.
"My job is now done here, since I was here for you and to tell you your 1st lesson you will be waiting for your person, who you had a significant place in their life."
"Thank you for everything." Daniel said, with a bright smile on his face proud of what he just heard.

On September 1, 2010 I went back to school, when I first got there my eyes were shown to the happiest thing I ever saw. Everyone crowded around me followed by Annie. I never thought I would be thought as so important. That day I thought of the time when my father said the exact words: "Buddy, look at yourself you're important to many people, especially me. Don't ever let someone put you down, always look ahead and look at the brighter side of things, I love you for who you are and will always be here by your side no matter." I know my father is looking down at me, and I want to always make him proud. My father made me proud and want to grow up to be just like him. Dazzling, bright lights spring out leaving me blind with my eyes worn out.

Old men scatter the crowd with bizarre mustaches covering their faces, hollering burns your ears from the screaming of young children winning the greatest stuffed animal, which is willing to tear within the next hour. From the corner of my eye I spy a wild roller-coaster making peoples’ throat ache from the exhaustion of not knowing what would happen if we sharply turn at this point. Water spits out at me, making me ignore the fact of the humidity making an ethereal cloud crowd around the carnival. Annie and I travel the amusement park with memories filling up in our head with everything we look at.
"Annie I have something to tell you," Daniel nervously said so that Annie could hear over the amusement park music. Annie looked up with her gorgeous eyes.
"Like my father always said: "I will soon find the one who inspires me and makes me happy and who I could always be in love with, and I think I have found that person."
"And that person is you." Murmured Daniel finishing off what he has been practicing to say. Annie glanced up and was speechless what to say, she rose up and hugged me proud to be mine.
I love you and always will!" Annie said through her tears of happiness.

I look down at my son being proud and not being able to stop smiling. I know he will forever be mine, and he found the true one who inspires him and who makes him happy, I know he found that person. Looking at him fills my eyes with tears, he is the finest thing that has ever came into my life. I will be waiting to tell his life story, when it is time.



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