I stepped on the cement platform where the yellow paint on the warning line has cracked and rolled up on the side carrying my suitcase. The steam train whistle slowly drifted away, and I stood alone in the empty station. The robins added a bit of lightness to the humid and heavy summer air. Such an atmosphere gave rise to an emotion of swoon, but I wanted to escape. I want to escape from this small city that does not even have a dentist, a mall, and a school.
 
“Jane, look here, my friend,” today is my first full year at this school, and the 281st time I've started a conversation with Jane like this, “I don’t like myself at all right now,” but it was my first time to talk about such a topic. Jane was obviously shocked, her turquoise blue pupils stared straight into my pupils, like she wanted to see me through. “MIAO,” she made a sound, inferring that she understand my situation, and strode up next to me, tilts her gray tail high, and threaded between my legs, rubbing her ankles against me. Through a year of acquaintance, even if she couldn't talk, I knew she was comforting me. “Indeed, your family is not affluent, but you have great talent. Your score is always the top in the school; your work, teachers like the most. What’s better than that, teacher’s love and peer’s admiration?”
 
I did not respond, sitting silently on the bench eyes a little dull. The school uniform on me had been washed and discolored, and the blue of the collar was stripped at the joints that had melted together. Yes. It is true that I have good grades, it is true that everyone wants to be me, the school mascot, the teacher’s favorite, the genius from the small town.

 
“The exam week is just approaching, and I do not even start reviewing.” People complained to me during the small break between the classes. Standing up from the chair, my eyes momentarily turned green from hypoglycemia. The voice of my mother, far away in town, rang in my ears again, "You should eat more lunch."
 
“Of course, I should, of course!” I exclaimed. I don't mean to yell, but I can't help myself when it comes to these things. This situation intensified day by day as I stayed in school. “But where is the money? Who knew my pain? Who gave me an anthem?” I lowered my voice, trying to approach her, and whispered to Jane beside me, “ ‘Poor nerd from a small city’ is a label that I cannot get rid of, the more I want to deny it, the more tightly it sticks. They are cages, I’m imprisoned, Jane! I’m imprisoned! They praised me, and told me that I can change my life if I work even harder.” I laughed loudly, intimidatingly, but I too want to smoke a cigar in the dark path and wear high hills, earrings, and tattoos.” I raised one foot and showed Jane the hole in the soles of my shoe. “You see? Not only this! And a tattered suitcase and discolored uniform. ‘Talented’, ‘genius’, ‘born for academic’ touting me to the sky for the enrollment promotion, portraying me using every positive adjective that they can think of except ‘wealthy’ if it is one. Then, killed me with Death by Crucifixion, not the walking corpse I am now, but the real me that was supposed to live in my colorful, youthful years full of possibilities.”
 
Playing along with them was my only option to survive in school. When those fancy clothes, shoes with diamonds, or autographs walk up to my desk to complain about exams and then borrow notes from me, the play starts. “That’s alright,” I put my hand on their shoulder, squeezed out a bitter smile, “I also did not start my work now and have 8 exams to sit next week, so don’t be stressed.” With saying this, I secretly closed my notebook full of my summary notes that I have just made the last night and silently put the book back in the locker. They are the only property that I have right now, without them, my glory would have faded and I would have become a true beggar in every sense of the word. I actually started reviewing a month ago and had completed reviewing most of the subjects. “Don’t be worried” to comfort them repeated, putting my hand on theirs. Every time before an exam, there is always an invisible power urging me to lie about my revision plan. Each time I enacted a play about being the top student without having to work hard and revise.
 
“Alright!” Valentino said with a more delighted voice, Rolex watches and patted my shoulder, Burberry clothes next to him pulled him away. “In this way, I am more relieved.” I smiled.
 
The day before the test started, I will pretend to pick up my books and review them in a careless manner. When the scores are released, I’ll just say I was smart and I didn't need to review the contents of the classes. I confirm with myself the lines when people asked me why I did so well on the test in my mind over and over again.
 
But the pain that I endured every night during the previous week when I stayed up late studying, no one knew and I had nowhere to confide. I tell myself over and over again that the brief pleasure it gives me when people are surprised and appreciate my talent is worth working for because it's the only thing that gives me a moment of pleasure. For I have no money, no family, and no real friend. Unfortunately, everything in the outside world is either out of reach for me or a sham that I have created. But I have to hold on to it anyway.

 
As academics became more and more difficult, I had grown to feel powerless. No matter how early I reviewed, I was no longer the genius my classmates thought I was. At the lecture, the teacher introduced the school's new "mascot" with a big smile on her face. I prefer to call the "mascot" the "victim". As I walked down the hallway, no one paid any attention to me, and the chatter was gone. Valentino, Rolex, and Burberry are already chatting with the new mascot. Under their seemingly uninterrupted chatter, only I could see the new victim's clenched corners and the bitter smile of helplessness on his face. No one could empathize with him more than me. But I restrained the urge to go forward to mediate the situation and left in silence.
Why should I care? Why should I care about the world, when the world is indifferent to me? 
 
Losing the spotlight, I seem to be free, no one will look at me again. In front of the new joy, everyone has no memory. 
 
But losing the light from the outside world, I can't even seem to shine on myself. The hole in my shoe grew bigger and bigger, and the school uniform no longer looked the way it should. I lost the only light that I hated the most, but that sustained my life. 
I was falling into an endless abyss of darkness. The cold touch and fear swept over me, and it was so dark all around that even if the rope existed, I could no longer hold on to him. What was the right choice? To live in this hypocritical world, or to truly return to me?
 
 

 
The little yellow dog that had been abandoned was curled up on the cold ground. The mucus on the corners of her eyes had made it impossible to fully open her eyes, and it was difficult to even see the outside world. 
 
Standing on the roof of the school building, I thought about it all. For me, the answer is obvious, to turn into a butterfly! The world is shrinking, and the people in her mind are gradually disappearing. But a warmer, stronger hand lifted me and supported me. It is my own hand. I am coming back to my true self.