A.
Always clean up after yourself. It is really annoying for the police to have to clean up your messes. You aren’t five hundred years old anymore. Take some responsibility.

B.
Before eating, make sure to floss. It is always a negative experience when you happen to be trying to get a quick snack, and you get some hair in your mouth from the last meal. Flossing removes this from the equation!

C.
Catch up on local news. If someone else is going on a killing spree, don’t kill in their area. It’s just rude to intrude on someone else’s attention. You’re a monster, not a heathen.

D.
Don’t keep a stash of blood hidden somewhere. Not only will it taste bad when it’s not fresh, but it is also rather annoying to have to deal with the smell and the flies. So unless you have hospital grade blood bags and fridge, let go of leftovers.

E.
Empty your mind of distractions when going hunting. You won’t be at your best performance if you are worrying if you left the stove on. If you are going to hunt, do it right.

F.
Follow proper safety guidelines. You want a sausage, not a stake. Be safe out there. And if someone is going to try cutting off your head, politely tell them no thank you and then brutally murder them.

G.
Go for the jugular. This is barely worth mentioning, but still. Don’t go for the guts. Far too much acid down there, and the arms are simple to bony. The neck is your best bet, plus the blood pressure is perfect there. It’s like a Gusher.

H.
Hide!! The world doesn’t need to see you killing someone! This is private, personal business! Your prey deserves only the best, and that does not mean having others gape as they slowly get drained of life blood.

I.
Intake slowly. You don’t want a tummy ache. It’s not like medicine will really work on you, right?

J.
Just breathe. It doesn’t matter if this is your first hunt or thousandth. It can be scary. So just take a deep breath and remember: you are the apex predator. Kill those bitches.

K.
Keep your head down. Swinging axes tend to put a damper on things. I mean, it won’t really kill you, but then it ruins your collar…and you might get blood on your clothes after killing the person with the ax…. You know how hard that is to get out.

L.
Live your undead life freely. The police don’t matter. The hunters don’t matter. No one matters. Nothing matters. Except that juicy little vein. Go for it.

M.
Make as little of a mess as possible. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. If you get blood on your white shirt, it isn’t ever coming out. So be neat. You are a sophisticated spawn of Satan. Take pride in your work. Killing people every night isn’t easy….

N.
Never let them scream. It draws too much attention, and it’s really bothersome. Not to mention how inconsiderate it is to yell in someone’s ear, but you might accidentally break them in two. And that simply isn’t appropriate. You are a vampire. Not an ungrateful swine.

O.
Observe! You’ve got options! You don’t need to stick with the irritating girl next door, because you feel you need to kill her instead of making her life a living hell, or that you must put the hobo down the street out of his misery. Be a gentleman, but treat yourself too. You are worthy of some high class blood very once and awhile. So keep your eyes out for any especially tasty morsels you might meet on the streets.

P.
Prepare! What if they start running? You can’t chase them in a tight dress or new suit. What if they tear at your face? No masks then. What if they are rude? You can’t have a knife on you, because you know you will tear them apart from the inside. See? Think this through. You aren’t such a crude being that you’d settle for fast food.

Q.
Quiet is key. Half the fun of a surprise party is seeing their expressions when you drop the balloons! Just because instead of balloons, its corpses doesn’t mean the surprise will be any less satisfying.

R.
Read up on the latest hunting skills. It is always interesting to try new techniques. You know, mix things up a little. So if you find out that all the young vampires are taking their meals out for a date and seducing them before killing them, because the hormones are great seasoning, then give it a try!

S.
Skip the desert. You have a figure to keep up.

T.
Treat your prey like you want to be treated. You aren’t human, not inhumane. If you were being killed, would you want to have Justin Bieber playing in your mind? No! Make sure they go to a permanent sleep with something good playing in their ears. Maybe Bach? Or perhaps some poetry. Be considerate.

U.
Understand how your prey is feeling. It will open up some wonderful lines of communication, and really help you make the dying experience one for the history books. You may be a monster, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

V.
Vaseline is a no. Some people might say that moisturizing a victim’s neck before biting is delicious, but it never tastes as good as it smells. Plus, then the texture is strange and slimy. Simply not enjoyable, to say the least.

W.
Wear something you don’t mind getting dirty. In these days, it’s not just blood and dirt you need to worry about. There is lipstick and beer and wine, and as myriad of other things your victim might be carrying and might throw on you. Be prepared.

X.
Examine the body for fingerprints. Moving is simply too much work.

Y.
Yearly check-ups on your fangs by vampire friendly dentists is always recommended. Let’s be considerate and make sure that the bite is as painless as possible, yes? Plus, a chipped tooth is quite painful for you and your victim.

Z.
Catch some ZZZ’s. You had a long night, and a good meal. Get some rest this day! You deserve it!