Danny stared numbly at her Dad’s heart monitor as it beeped steadily. She couldn’t bring herself to look at her dad. The once mighty man had tubes coming out of him and looked more machine than man.  She sat there remembering his giggle, it used to always bring her to tears because she would laugh  so hard at how such a big and masculine man had the cutest little giggle. Now it brought her to tears, because she knew she would never hear it again.
         The knock on the door tore  Danny from her thoughts, and she hastily wiped the tears that had betrayed her when they left  her eyes.he sat up straighter. The door slowly opened, and she saw Dr. Anderson walk in. he relaxed a little. He was the intern  assigned to her dad’s case, and since she had been sitting in this hospital room for five days she found a little comfort in his familiar face.
         “Danny, I’m sorry, but we need to talk about the arrangements on where you will be staying,” He calmly asserted as he let in a woman who she assumed had to be a social worker considering her suit made her look like a flight attendant.
         “Okay,” Danny whispered. Dr. Anderson left and the lady sat next to her on the couch.
         “I’m sorry for your loss,” she whispered as she pulled some papers from her bags. Danny muttered a small thanks before she continued, “Assuming your father doesn’t show any improvement in the next day or two, you’ll be orphaned, and you have two choices: you can stay with your brother or you can be put into foster care,” she explained.
“That’s actually what I wanted to talk about. My dad was adopted as a baby and he never looked into finding his biological parents. He didn’t want to offend his adoptive parents, but I was wondering if there was any way you could track them down to  see if I have any family on that side,” Danny said looking directly at the woman.
The woman looked through her papers for a bit before responding, “We could try, but it might take some time and I don’t want you to get your hopes up, but until then where would you like to stay?” She asked looking at Danny with sad eyes.
“I’ll stay with my brother,” Danny answered calmly, her eyes returning to the floor.
“Okay, I’ll get the paperwork started, call if you need anything,” she said handing Danny a business card. She turned to leave but stopped short as if she had forgotten something. She turned back to Danny and said, “Merry Christmas,” sadly.
“Not so merry this year huh?” she asked quietly and let out a small laugh. The woman smiled at her softly before leaving.
Danny looked down at the card and found out the ladies name was Jane Matthews. She fiddled with the card, bending its corners before shoving it in her pocket. She turned towards her dad and couldn’t help but think that not even a week ago her parents were helping her hang Christmas decorations all throughout their house while they sang along horribly to Christmas music. Christmas used to be her favorite holiday and it instantly lifted her spirits. Now she had a feeling that it would never be the same. She looked at her dad and sighed before saying, “If you can hear everything that just happened I’m pretty sure I would be getting an ear full, but I can’t live with James, he’s not even 21 yet, I can’t do that to him, I can’t make him grow up that fast. I just can’t Dad.” She pulled her legs to her stomach and wrapped her arms around her shins. She rested her chin on her knees and closed her eyes.

***********

Christmas music was coming through the car speakers and Danny was sitting in the back singing along loudly with her dad who was sitting in the passenger seat.
“You guys sound like dying cats,” Her mom laughed as she continued to focus on driving. Danny and her dad stopped and shared a look before smirking and singing even louder and more horribly, which caused her mom to laugh harder as she pulled to a stop at the stoplight. “You two are impossible,” she chuckled then  rolled her eyes.
“Why Mother, I have no idea what you are talking about.” Danny feigned shock and put her hand to her chest.
Then they all laughed, but the happiness was short lived.
The car jerked forward and started sliding into the intersection. Someone had failed to stop behind them and rear ended their small blue Honda.  The car was sent spinning into oncoming traffic.
Her mother desperately jerked the wheel in any direction and had her foot furiously pumping the brakes.
Her dad was looking around trying to find something to help them.
Danny looked out the window and screamed as she saw a large, black pickup truck coming right for the driver’s side door.
Danny was sitting behind her dad, and her head was thrown to the side before slamming straight into the window. The impact shattered the window and knocked her unconscious.

***********

Danny jumped awake not realizing she had drifted off. The girl was tired, but every time she closed her eyes she saw that night over and over again. She sighed and looked at her dad. She couldn’t help but internally cringe when she saw how vulnerable and weak her dad looked. She couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that in a couple of days she would be orphaned.
She was so angry. She was supposed to have more time with them; it just wasn’t fair. She felt the tears trying to break through her cold stare, but she refused to cry. She promised herself that there would be no more crying. She knew that her parents wouldn’t want to see her like this. She knew they would want her to move on and be happy, but she just couldn’t force herself to do it. Every time she told herself to think happy thoughts, her mind would be blasted with images of her parents. It would make her feel like someone was sitting on her chest and crushing her lungs, while her heart struggled to beat. Giving up seemed like it would bring her peace.
She wished her brother could be here, but, being the only adult left, he had to take care of everything: like the insurance and what they’ll do with the house. He called every night to ask for updates and to make sure she was okay, but she what she really needed was to sit by her brother and mourn with him. She didn't need to hear him cry over the phone and know there was nothing she could do to help him.
She forced her mind to stop the chain of thoughts, before she would cry again.. She turned her mind to where she would go after all this was over. She continued to stare at her dad’s heart monitor. She didn't know when, but for the first time since the accident she fell asleep and woke up peacefully.
***********

She looked around the room and for a moment she thought everything was just a really bad nightmare, but the beeping of her dad’s heart monitor brought her back into reality. Her heart ached, but she was used to it and just shrugged it off. The day went on like every other day, she sat on the couch and watched her dad’s heart monitor beep and occasionally played on her phone ignoring the text and calls from all her concerned friends. The occasional nurse would come in and to check on her dad and Danny. Danny’s favorite nurse, Ruth, brought in all her meals with  the occasional candy bar that she made Danny swear not to tell a soul. The day ended with her nightly phone call with her brother. He promised he would be there on Tuesday. The day her dad was going to die. She only had one day left with him.
After the call she layed down on the couch and let the beeping lull her to sleep. She would wake up every couple hours, but that was normal for her. She finally gave up going back to sleep around 7:30 a.m.,then she continued with her normal routine. Today she decide to talk to her dad more. It wasn't really talking as much as it was thinking out loud, but it was something. She really didn't know what to do considering it was the last day she had with her dad. Ruth brought in a lot more candy bars, but Danny didn't eat them as much as she usually did.  They tasted bitter and wrong. Danny knew why it tasted bad; the candy tasted like pity. Danny had enough pity to last her a life time. She didn’t say anything to Ruth though. Danny knew her heart was in the right place.
After her shower, Danny decided to change out of her usual big sweatpants and large sweatshirt, and into regular clothes. She squeezed into a pair of light-wash skinny jeans that were a smidge too short, so her ankles peeked out of the bottoms, and a dark purple sweater that hid the little layer of fat on her stomach. Her mom had given her the sweater a little over a month ago. She left her hair down instead of the usual messy bun, but her stubborn thick brown shoulder length hair still looked messy no matter how hard she tried. She smiled sadly to herself in the mirror and noticed the bags under her eyes from all the nights riddled with nightmares. She looked away and left the bathroom.
She plopped down the couch and waited for her brother. She knew he would try and surprise her today even though he said he would be here tomorrow.
She looked at her father and felt a little comfort knowing that  she had spent the last week with him and would get to say said good bye’  she had never left his side. She got up and did something that usually made her sick to her stomach. She touched his barely warm hand. The wave of sadness that she expected to hit her like a brick wall didn’t come. Instead a feeling of relief washed over her, she knew that within the next twenty four hours he would find peace.
         She felt the tears that she tried so hard to keep back fall and let herself have a little time to completely give in to the emotions. She let herself hurt and realize that the world she once knew, the Danny she once knew was gone. She read somewhere that you are a combination of the five people you hang out most with, losing almost half of those people so suddenly is bound to do something to a person. She couldn’t ignore the seemingly endless black hole in her heart that is destroying her cell by cell. She knew how cliché she sounded, but there were no other words to describe the grief, the loss, and that feeling that comes when your world is destroyed by a little ice and a pickup truck, that numbness, that ache. It feels like the moment after a disaster when everyone just stares blankly for a second in shock. Maybe that’s what was happening, maybe she was in shock, but it just felt too painful to be shock. Danny didn’t know what the hell she was feeling, and it pissed her off . Right now she was more worried about what would happen after all of this.
         She wondered if the social worker would find her lost family, if there was any lost family at all. She really didn't want to force her brother to grow up too quick. She also didn’t want to stay in their old home, she didn’t want to attend the same high school, and she didn’t want to see people in town smiling sadly at her, smothering her with their pity. She just wanted out of the town that held so many memories that haunted her. She needed a fresh start preferably somewhere far away that didn’t have ice.
She knew this was running away, but she couldn’t bring herself to stay. She’s never really had any problems before because she never put herself in those situations and her parents never put her in them. It was too new and too hard. It was just too much for her to handle. Especially without the people that had helped her for her whole life.
         She was pulled from her thoughts suddenly when Ruth walked into the room. Danny looked out the window and saw that the sun was setting and she realized she had been standing there for a long time. Her legs were sore, her back ached, and her hand was cramping from holding her dad’s for so long. She looked at Ruth, and knew she looked pitiful. Her eyes were probably bloodshot and puffy, and she was sniffling a lot. All telltale signs that she was crying. Ruth gave her a sad smile and handed Danny her dinner before squeezing her shoulder reassuringly and leaving.
         Danny frowned at her soupy mac and cheese, and mushy green beans, but then smiled softly at the Hershey bar that was strategically placed so you couldn’t really see it. Danny ate what she could stomach of the mac and cheese, and green beans then pushed them aside and peeled open her candy bar. She plopped a small rectangle in her mouth and let it slowly melt on her tongue. She was on her fifth piece when the door opened, and she scrambled to hide the rest of the candy bar under one of the pillows on the couch.
         She was expecting Dr. Anderson or a nurse, but instead it was a face she had wanted to see all week. Her brother walked in with a wide grin. Danny jumped up and pulled him into a bone crushing hug.
         “You get stronger every time I see you,” he joked; his voice sounded like Danny had knocked the wind out of him.
         Danny pulled away from the hug and gave him a very serious look, “You’re late,” she said sternly.
         “Hey! I did say I wouldn’t be here until tomorrow,” he defended, returning the serious look. They stared at each other sternly for a bit, daring the other to smile. Danny smiled when her brother looked away to try and hide his own smile.
         “Yeah, I know you always go home a day earlier than you say you will, so I was expecting you this afternoon,” she declared walking away. When she turned away her smile fell, but she made sure her brother wouldn’t see it.
         “So have they decided on a time tomorrow?” he asked, his voice lacking its usual warmth. Danny turned and saw her brother looking blankly at their father.
         “I heard them saying that it would happen in the late afternoon,” she answered, moving to sit on her couch and pulling out her chocolate bar.
         “What happens after that?” he asked, joining her on the couch and stealing a row of rectangles.
         “They’re both cremated and will be placed in the same urn until we find a desirable spot to spread their ashes,” Danny explained almost robotically.
         “What about us?” He asked before plopping a rectangle of chocolate in his mouth.
         “A social worker came and I will be staying with you until other family can be located,” Danny answered, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at her brother even though he was obviously gawking at her.
         “Other family?” he questioned, his voice getting slightly louder.
         “Dad’s biological family,” Danny answered, finally working up the courage to look at her brother with a serious face, but this time it wasn’t about a straight face contest.
         “Why?” He asked, looking angry and hurt at the same time. “You should stay with me,” he pleaded.
         “You’re in college, you don’t have the time or resources to raise me,” Danny rationalized, refusing to give in to the sadness that so rarely graced his features.
         “I can take a break for a while,” he suggested; his wide eyes begging.
         “That’s exactly why I can’t stay with you. Jackie, you need to finish college; you only have three semesters left,” Danny argued, her voice getting higher and louder. Her brother looked taken aback by this; he had never seen Danny raise her voice at anything or anyone.
“We’ll talk every day and we can visit sometimes,” Danny sighed, her voice back to its calm normal. She looked away from him and stared at their dad.
         “When did you get all wise and grown up?” he asked, trying to lighten the mood with a light chuckle, but it just felt empty.
         “When the world decided I needed to be,” Danny shrugged, sighed dramatically, and then turned to look at her brother to meet his stare. His big brown eyes were drowning in emotions. There was curiosity, amusement, a little sadness, and a deep undertone of grief.
         “You gotta stop, you’re scaring me with this new found sense of responsibility,” He threatened with an amused smile. He looked away and ate some more of the chocolate.
         Danny smiled a little then asked, “So how’s the college life treatin’ ya?” She plopped a piece of chocolate in her mouth and leaned back into the couch comfortably.
         “It’s ok, it’s harder of course but it’s nice taking classes that have to deal with stuff I’m actually interested in,” he explained as he leaned back as well.
         “I am just still so surprised that you want to be a math teacher. Who wants to deal with math the rest of their lives,” she sighed with a roll of her eyes.
         “Hey! I like math, it’s easy and predictable. I still can’t believe you want to be a forensic psychologists,” he argued as he pointed at Danny.
         “Hey, let’s just agree that we both pursue weird things,” she reasoned as she held her arms out in a way that says ‘well what can ya do?’
         Jack huffed in amusement before they fell into a comfortable silence; well it was comfortable to Danny, but for some reason Jack felt the need to break it.
         “So how are your friends doing?” he asked lightly as if he was afraid Danny might snap at him.
         “Don’t know, haven’t really talked to them except for the usual ‘hang in there’ and ‘it will get better’ texts. The calls are just quiet and awkward,” Danny explained emotionlessly.
         “No one came to visit?” Jack asked. He sounded surprised.
         “They’re all too busy with the holidays,” Danny said with a shrug of her shoulders, but she couldn’t help the ache of sadness this made her feel. Jack frowned at that, but he took the way her body went tense as a sign that I don’t want to talk about it.
         They fell into silence again and this time it didn’t seem that Jack was itching to get out of this one. It lasted a couple minutes before Jack opened his mouth to say something, but the opening of the door cut him off. The face of the social worker Jane Matthews walked in. She was wearing a similar suit to the one last time, but this time her smile seemed a little brighter which made Danny think she had good news.
         “Hello, I’m Jane, and you must be Jackson,” she said holding her hand out to Jack. They both stood up when the door opened so he just walked over and shook her hand.
         “Yeah and I am assuming you must be the social worker,” he said and his voice was suddenly serious.
         “Yes, and it’s good you’re here because I located your father’s biological family,” she said as she smiled over at Danny. Danny couldn’t stop the bit of hope and joy that sprung up inside of her. “I actually thought it would take longer because usually the biological parents don’t want to be found, but they actually seemed like they wanted to be,” she explained.
         “So what happens now?” Jack asked and his body seem tense.
         “Sadly your grandparents passed away, but they had another son and he was just as excited about you as I am sure you are about him. Sadly your aunt and uncle are too busy to fly out here, but we will work this out over the phone,” she explained as her voice took a more business tone.
         “What’s his name? What’s he do? What’s he like? Why’d they give up my dad?” Danny asked in rapid succession as she stepped closer to Jane.
         “His name is Eric Darens. He is a professor at a college near where he lives and his wife is a surgeon. You have to answer that middle one yourself, and from what I understand they were just too young and didn’t have the resources,” she said as an amused smile graced her lips.
         “They sound nice and rich,” Jack joked as he bumped his sister’s shoulder with his own since they were the same height.
         “Remember there are other options so you don’t have to live with them. There are other options that are more local than California,” Jane informed Danny with a serious look.
         “No, I need to get to know them,” Danny stated strongly with a determined look.
         “California is far away, Dan, are you sure?” Jack asked looking at his sister with an almost freighted expression.
         “We can do this,” Danny stated putting her hand on her brother’s shoulder reassuringly and look in his eyes with her determined look.
         “Fine,” he sighed before turning back to Jane.
         “Are their papers we need to fill out?” he asked, moving to the couch.
         “Not until you guys  have a bit of time to think about it and it’s decided. I will be back tomorrow afternoon,” she explained as she walked towards the door, “It was nice seeing you two.” The siblings muttered a goodbye before they both fell back into the couch, and she left.
         After a couple minutes Jack spoke up, “It’s getting late, I should probably head out.”
         Danny looked at him with confusion written all over her face. “Where are you going?” she asked.
         “I have a room at the hotel down the street,” he explained, “There isn’t much room for two people on that couch, but I’ll be here first thing tomorrow.” He waved and headed towards the door.
         “Okay. Good night,” Danny called before pulling some pajamas out of her duffle bag and heading to the bathroom.
         “Night,” Jack called before the door shut behind him.
         Danny brushed her teeth then she laid down on the couch and let sleep whisk her away. Somehow knowing she wasn’t alone anymore helped her get a good night’s sleep. She woke up from a dreamless slumber to soft voices around the room. As she slowly woke up she heard Jack and Ruth conversing in low voices that she couldn’t quite make out. She sat up slowly and squinted at the light streaming in the window.
         “What time is it?” she mumbled loudly, her voice being as groggy as she felt and she wiped her eyes tiredly trying to wake up.
         “It’s ten thirty,” Ruth answered instantly with her cheery voice.
         “Boy did I sleep in,” Danny muttered as she stood up and grabbed some clothes for the day and headed to the bathroom.
         “You better hurry, The social worker will be here in an hour,” Ruth called just before Danny shut the bathroom door. Danny couldn’t help the nervousness and excitement that punched her in the gut.
         Danny showered quickly and made sure she looked presentable before leaving the bathroom. She opened the door and found her brother was alone in the room. He was holding their dad’s hand and talking quietly to him.
         “Good to know I am not the only one that does that,” Danny said, announcing her presence. Jack jumped a little, but he didn’t release their dad’s hand. He smiled sadly at Danny before turning back to their dad. Danny walked to their dad’s other side and grabbed his hand.
         “You look nice,” Jack complimented, but his eyes never left their dad.
         “I always look nice,” Danny retorted with a smirk on her lips.
         “How are you handling this so well?” Jack suddenly asked as if he was begging his sister to give him the answers to make it hurt less.
         “I’m not,” Danny answered blankly, “I just joke around because even the littlest fake laugh helps.” She stared at her brother and he just nodded at her words before turning back to their dad.
         “That’s something Dad would say,” Jack muttered sadly.
         “Yeah it is,” Danny agreed as she looked at her father lovingly.
         “So are you excited to meet our long lost uncle?” Jack asked to change the subject before they both started crying.
         “I am, but I am also extremely nervous,” Danny admitted as she let out a nervous laugh.
         “They’ll love you,” Jack reassured her with a smile and Danny nodded in response.
         “Let’s hope so,” Danny muttered under her breath so that Jack wouldn’t hear.
         As if on cue, there was an excited knock on the door. Both siblings turned as the door opened and in stepped Ruth with a mile wide smile and Jane was behind her.
         “Hey,” Danny said with a little smile spreading across her face.
         “Hello,” She greeted, smiling at the siblings. “Your uncle says he’s sorry that he can’t make it here, but I have faxed him all the necessary paperwork,” she explained as she stepped into the room and sat on the couch.
“It’s ok,” Danny mumbled as she felt a little awkward because none of them seemed to know what to do at the moment.
         “So how does this work?” Jack asked, getting straight down to business.
         “Once all the paperwork is filled out you just take all the time you need then you’ll fly out to them,” Jane explained. Jane noticed them looking at their dad and asked, “Why don’t you guys tell me about him?” The two siblings nodded and started.
          “He was a mechanic,” Danny said with small smile as she felt his calloused hands.
         “He was stubborn,” Jack added in and it caused Danny to laugh before she let him continue, “he was sarcastic and made way too many dad jokes.” Danny smiled in agreement.
         “He had this giggle, but it was contagious. Once he started laughing everyone in the room laughed with him,” Danny explained as she smiled at the memories where they had to pause movies they’d been laughing so long.
         “He had a horrible singing voice,” Jack laughed and Danny groaned in response, “It sounded like someone was strangling a walrus.” All three of them laughed at that.
         “Sounds delightful,” Jane said as she smiled at the siblings.        
         “He was,” Jack agreed as he returned her smile.
They were all silent for a moment before  Jane looked at the clock and asked, “If you guys want to you can sign all the papers you need to now?”
         “Jackson, if you have decided that you want Danny to stay with your uncle I’m going to need you to sign here to give up you’re guardianship,” Jane explained as she pointed to the correct line. Jack looked at Danny as if asking her if she was sure. Danny looked at the social worker then back to her brother and she smiled before nodding at him. Jack sighed heavily and signed the paper. Danny caught her brother’s eye and smiled at him to tell him everything was going to be okay.
         Jane took the form from Jack then turned towards Danny and pointed at a line on the form in her hands. “I need you to sign here to say that you choose to stay with your uncle since you are over the age of sixteen,” she explained. Danny looked at her brother who was looking sadly at her, she gave him a smile before she signed the paper. She looked to her brother who was smiling reassuringly at her. Danny let the social worker take the paper from her hands and thought I can do this.
“That was a lot simpler than I thought it would be,” Danny joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. All she got in return was a smile of sympathy and another wobbly one.
“Well your uncle drew the short straw when it came to the paperwork,” Jane sighed as she put the paperwork back in her bag.
         “When are you guys leaving?” Jack asked as he looked at his sister sadly.
            Danny looked to Jane for the answer and Jane said, “It seems as you can leave whenever you’re ready.”
“Tonight,” Danny said in a stern way as if she was trying to convince herself that it was the right thing.
“Are you sure?” Jane asked warily.
“As sure as I’ll ever be,” Danny stated but it came out weaker than she wanted it to.
“I’ll have the ticket waiting for you at the airport,” Jane said with a small and rubbed Danny’s shoulder before turning and walking out of the door.
It wasn’t long after that that the siblings returned to their positions on either side of their dad. A good thirty minutes after that Ruth walked in.
“The doctors will be coming in soon,” Ruth told them quietly and then slipped back out once the two acknowledged what she said with a nod.
The two siblings sat in silence and just listen to the steady beeping of the heart monitor, and that’s what they continued to do when the doctors came in. They nodded to what the doctors explained, but neither of them really understood. They whispered they’re good-byes. They listened to the heart monitor as Dr. Anderson started to unplug the machines. They listened as it started to slow. They listened to it as the beeping stopped all together. They listened to it as Danny had to peel a sobbing Jack away from their officially dead dad. They listened to as it was finally unplugged and Danny held a sobbing Jack to her chest while holding back her own tears. Then they were stuck in the room that felt cold and haunting without the steady beeping. The room that felt silent even with Jacks not so silent crying.
         Jack stopped crying after about thirty minutes and the siblings worked together to gather all of Danny’s things that were around the room. Danny zipped up her bag and they rode to the airport in silence. Jack parked the car and they walked into the airport together. Jack grabbed her hand and lead her to the information desk where they picked up Danny’s ticket. They walked across the airport to where they needed to go, but when the time came for Jack to let go of her hand, he only grabbed it tighter.
“Jackie, you’ve got to let go,” Danny said quietly as she gently pulled her arm, but Jack still held tight.
“No,” Jack demanded but it came out as more as a plea than a demand, “You’re my little sister and I need to take care of you. Not some stranger”
“How Jackie?” Danny asked then laughed humorlessly. “We have no place to stay since I can’t live with you on campus and we can’t afford to stay at our house, and I won’t let you leave college to get a job. Mom and Dad would not want that and you know it,” She finished with a strong tug on her arm.
         “You can’t leave,” Jack begged Danny quietly then released her hand, admitting defeat. Danny saw the broken, crumbled look on his face and sighed guiltily as her eyebrows pulled together sadly.
         Danny pulled Jack into a tight hug. “I can’t stay,” she whispered in his ear reassuringly, “but we will talk every day.” Jack squeezed her tighter.
         “Every day?” He asked and released her from the hug.
         “Every day,” Danny promised and she smiled at him. They nodded at each other before Danny had to step into line. She didn’t look back because if she did she knew she would cry. She stared straight forward and clenched her jaw.
         Every day, she promised herself mentally as she took off her shoes and put them in the tub, every day. She walked through the metal detector and then there was no turning back. She straightened her shoulders and lifted  her chin up with her jaw still clenched tight, so tight it was almost painful. She refused to let herself cry now that there was only going forward and stepping into a new world. A world without her parents, a world across the country, a world without her friends, a world away from her brother, and a world worlds away from her old one.