“I never knew what I was getting myself into. I knew he was trouble; that much was clear, but I never imagined that things would end like this. I should have walked away, but I just couldn’t. I was head over heels for him. I loved him with all I had. I gave him everything.

(10 years ago)

*Honk twice*
“Let’s go sophomore, I don’t got all day!” I sprinted out to his beat up truck as fast as I could.
“Today Jen!” He was always a yeller.
“Alright, alright, jeez.” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye as he drove like a maniac to school.

(Present day)

His eyes, that’s what I remember most about that beautiful boy. He had these deep blue eyes, as deep as the ocean. He could make or break you with one single look. Those damn eyes could get you to do just about anything.

(10 years ago)

“See something you like, little girl?
“You wish, Messer.”
“Oh do I?” He raised his eyebrow.
“Mhmm.”
“I think that’s your wish, babe.”
“Not even close.”
He grabbed my hand with his and stared me down. He made me nervous. He made me feel something I’d never felt before.
“Wanna try saying that again?”
I slowly nodded with my mouth gaped open like an idiot. He smirked.

(Present day)

He knew I was hooked; he knew it before I did. I was determined not to fall for him, but he had other plans for me.

(10 years ago)

The car jerked to a stop and I exited. I began walking to the school building but then noticed I was walking alone. I turned to see Blake, still sitting in his car. He looked as dashing as ever.
“Aren’t you coming?” I inquired.
“Don’t worry ‘bout me, little girl.”
I started walking away, towards the school.  I wish I had kept walking that day, just went on with my normal school day. But I didn’t. I turned around and walked over to the driver’s side of the car where I found Blake lighting a blunt.

(Present)

I suppose that was when I first knew he was bad news, and yes, perhaps I should have walked away and never talked to him again. I would love to say that’s how it ended. But unfortunately, fate had a mind of it’s own.

(10 years ago)

“What the hell are you doing?”
“Jen, this isn’t your business.”
“Weed, seriously? How dumb are you?”
“F*** off!”
“Why do you even do that?”
“It’s f*ing amazing,” He smirked.
Something in his voice was so manipulative, I needed him to want me, to approve of me.
“Wanna try?” He smirked and raised an eyebrow in suspense. I knew I could never say no to him.

(Present)

I wasn’t that girl. I was the girl that played it safe. I wasn’t the girl that would smoke pot in a school parking lot at 7am with a hot senior. But that’s the girl Blake wanted; that’s what I needed to become.

(10 years ago)

Coughing violently after my 4th hit, I decided I’d had enough. I cautiously exited his shitty car and got ready to face the day ahead of me in school.
“Jen,” His velvet voice called me, making me turn around so quickly I became dizzy. He flashed me his signature smirk.
“Let’s get ‘outta here.”

(Present)

I never thought that I would ditch school. There’s a lot I did that year that never would have even crossed my mind, were it not for the influence of the infamous Blake. But there was something about him, something that made your insides ignite. All I wanted was him- his approval, his love, his everything. He was all I ever thought about. We drove around a lot that day; nothing big happened. Yes, I’m aware that he was driving while he was high. Yes, I’m aware that we could have died. But in my mind, at that time, it would have been a beautiful way to die. Dying at Blake’s side was a blissful thought. Something about that enchanting boy silenced my conscience. He became a part of me.
We texted everyday, he called me babe, he held my hand, but he hadn’t made a real move. I figured we would end up dating for a while, he’d break my heart and I’d get over it. I felt I’d be lucky that the sexy bad boy was into me at all. But again, that wasn’t fate’s plan for me. Fate came into play after the homecoming football game that year. I had Blake drive me home that night, or at least that’s where I thought I was going.

(10 years ago)

“Can you turn the heat up, I’m freakin’ freezing!”
“Quit bitchen’, it’s October, start wearing a jacket.”
I rolled my eyes. My silence must have tipped him off to my irritation.
“Come over, for a little?” He pleaded and grabbed my hand. I began to sweat.
“I need to be home by 11:30; what’s the point for hanging out for half an hour?”
“It’s worth it if I get to spend time with you.” He twinkled his memorizing blue eyes in my direction and I was instantly hypnotized. He truly was beautiful.
“Okay,” I answered, still in his trance. He quickly sped up to his house down the road. I’d seen his house before, but I’d never examined it from up close.

(Present)

Shitty. That’s the only word I could really use to describe the Messer residence. The outside had garbage all over it. Cracks in the cement and uneven pavement covered the perimeter of the house. I entered realized that the inside matched the outside perfectly. Garbage, clothes, and empty cups and bottles galore. He led me to the basement, which was conveniently his bedroom. I suppose it made sense to keep a creature of Blake’s nature underground. He was anything but a gentleman. Blake was the type of boy who would reach into his pants, rub his balls, and proceed to wipe his sweaty hand on your face. Of course, when he did this to me, I acted revolted. I pretended to vomit and gag, but on the inside, I didn’t mind it one bit. I secretly wanted to touch him in the same way. I wanted to trace his entire body with my own. I wanted him so badly.

(10 years ago)

“I can’t get comfy!” I complained as we were positioned next to each other in his bed. We were watching Family Guy- I hated that show, but Blake loved it, so I watched it.
“Take your jeans off, then.” I thought that he was kidding until I noticed how serious his tone and face were. I started to sweat again. Take my pants off? Was he crazy? I wasn’t ready for this. No, no I couldn’t.
“Okay.” I responded shyly. He nodded and began to assist me in pulling them away from my tense body. I was reluctant, and not much help in the process. I guess Blake can take the credit for getting me out of my pants that night. Within seconds, he had situated himself on top of me.

(Present)

His breath smelled. I remember it very distinctly. It didn’t have a typical bad odor. It wasn’t cigarettes or beer; it was genuine bad breath from an un-brushed, un-cleansed mouth.

(10 years ago)

As he lent down to kiss me, I noticed his stubble. He really needed to clean himself up, but at that moment, he was so perfect to me. His lips touched mine and the cliché fireworks, which I never believed existed, exploded to life. Kissing Blake was pure ecstasy. His hands roamed my body, leaving glorious lingering burns everywhere they went.

(Present)

That’s as far as we went that night; we made out for a while. By the time I even looked at my phone, it was 12:45 am. I figured I could just tell my mom that I fell asleep at a friend’s house- she’d buy it. After all, I wasn’t the girl to lie. After our steamy make out sessions, he held me in his arms and I drifted off to sleep. It was so beautiful. To this day, I still have a hard time believing that it was real. I truly loved him.

(10 years ago)

As I woke, I had no idea what time it was. There weren’t any windows in his room. It reminded me of a dark dungeon. I just stared at the wall, imagining that a window was there to emit some light into the dark, dusty room.
“What are you thinking?” Blake’s face was playful. I smiled and attempted to be sexy by biting my lip. His sleepy morning voice was the hottest damn thing I had ever heard.
“I dunno.” Within seconds, his face turned cold, hard, and lifeless.
“You need to go.” His voice was stern, like a parent chastising a child.
“Wh-what? Why?” I was so shocked.
“I said you need to f*ing go!” His rough hand collided with my small cheek, leaving a painful stinging handprint. He got up from the bed and left me there, confused, hurt, and alone.

(Present)

That was the first time he hit me. I wish I could say that it was the last, but it wasn’t. He drove me home silently that afternoon. My mom didn’t think twice when I told her that I had fallen asleep at Aly’s house. She never suspected a thing. Why would she? I was a good child. But I realized that I was changing. Pot, sneaking out, lying; Blake was changing me. He was changing me into him.
Things were bleak that weekend. He didn’t text me; I didn’t text him. It wasn’t until late Sunday night that things began to fall apart.

(10 years ago)

I saw my phone light up and his name appeared; my heart skipped a beat.
  Blake [Don’t be mad]
I was already confused and nervous.
Jenna [Be mad about what?]
Blake [I can explain, there’s a story!]
Jenna [What are you talking about?]
Blake [Just trust me, don’t be mad.]
Things weren’t making sense to me, but I knew that something bad was coming.
Jenna [I don’t understand what you mean.]
Blake [Facebook…]
I instantly grabbed my laptop and logged on to Facebook. As I scrutinized my newsfeed, my heart shattered into a million pieces.
“Blake Messer is in a relationship with Brianna Steel”

(Present)

It was like someone had grabbed my heart out of my chest. They were holding it in their hands and decided to squeeze .I swear, I stopped breathing when I saw that. I collapsed to the floor and thought I would die from shock, from disgust, from heartbreak.

(10 years ago)

Jenna [Now I understand.]
Blake [Just let me explain, tomorrow.]

(Present)

To this day, I never got an explanation. I suppose now, I never will. He stopped driving me to school. He stopped texting me. I felt so empty and alone.
I wish I could say that was the end of our story. But obviously, quite a bit more happened to lead to where I am today. It wasn’t until February when we started talking again. He came up to me in school; I never expected it.

(10 years ago)

“Hey, hey, Jen!” I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew exquisite voice anywhere. It was the same voice that I had been in love with for months, the same voice that broke my heart without a care in the world.
“Hey.” I inhaled deeply with a smile, pretending to look unaffected by the burning touch coming from his hand resting on my shoulder.
“I’ve missed you.” He batted his luscious eyelashes at me; he was so beautifully addicting. I wanted to love him; I did love him.
“Thanks.”
“Want a ride today?” He was so compelling.
“I don’t think your girlfriend would like that, do you?” I put emphasis on the word girlfriend. He looked taken aback by my stubbornness sudden gull.
“I broke up with her.” My eyes widened. My insides smiled.
“Why?!”
“I realized that she wasn’t the right girl for me.” He flashed me that smirk, and I was hooked all over again.

(Present)

I went home with him that day, obviously. I could never disappoint Blake. I stayed with him that entire afternoon, pleasuring him from my knees for hours. I loved every second of it. Every moan of his lifted me higher and higher. Every groan, every sigh, it was all a drug to me. All I wanted to do was please him, and I was brutally punished when I failed to. This went on for a few months before the next bombshell hit. It was late spring, I believe. We were on my couch watching his favorite hockey team when he got the first call from her.

(10 years ago)

“You can pick up the phone you know.”
“No, it’s cool.” I loved how relaxed he seemed. He was on my couch, in my house, with me. It was such a dream.
“Seriously, it’s like the 5th time Bri’s called, just pick up.” He nodded, stood up, and turned to walk towards the door. I mimicked him, attempting to get up and go with him. He violently shoved me back against the couch.
“I’ll be back. Wait here.” I remained still.

(Present)

I remember the waiting. I waited for 25 minutes or so before I got the text.

(10 years ago)

Blake [DON’T COME OUT!!!]

(Present)

That was the first time that I’d ever disobeyed Blake’s orders. I felt guilty for defying him.

(10 years ago)

As I stuck my head out the door and over the bush at the top of my driveway, I saw the most horrifying thing that I had ever imagined.
Blake and Brianna were kissing.
I watched their lips closely. They molded together with such passion and lust. I felt every kiss he gave her; I’d let him kiss me like that. I felt his hand on my body as it roamed its way over hers; I’d let him touch me like that. My heart, it sunk, shattered. I ran inside, crying. I locked the door and collapsed.

(Present)

He tried texting me so many times after that. I ignored him. That was probably the hardest thing for me- ignoring the toxic angel that I’d fallen so irrevocably in love with. Of course, this newfound strength of mine didn’t last too long. I was walking my dogs on my front lawn one late summer day when Blake came jogging by. My heart sank as I received that signature smirk that I had been deprived of for so long.

(10 years ago)

“Hey.” He was drenched in glorious sweat and was breathing heavily.
“Hi.” I kept my features hard and cold.
“You look great.” His compliment flooded through me; I suddenly felt like a supermodel.
“Thanks.”
Blake suddenly inched his way closer. I turned my face to the ground, but his flawless finger tipped my chin up so that I was staring into his beautifully blue eyes. Once again, I was memorized. 
“You look great…”

(Present)

I still don’t understand how it happened. But somehow, we ended up in my bedroom, where he continued his manipulation to the highest extent. He had already taken everything from me; I suppose it just wasn’t enough. He had devoured my heart, crushed my pride, and that day, he stole the only thing I had left to offer- my virginity. I had nothing left to give him. He knew that. He left my house for the last time that day. I wish I could say that was the end of it- right there. But that wouldn’t be accurate. It wasn’t until one cold night in December, my junior year, I believe, that I saw Blake Messer again.

(10 years ago)

We pulled up to the park at around 11pm. I know that’s usually when the sketchy people show up, but I decided to live on the edge for a night. Aly always had a way of attracting trouble. The druggies were her best friends.. As we walked up to a random group of guys, the air reeked of weed.
“Yo, yo, Aly, take a hit!” Aly took the blunt and began to inhale. I stood beside her, awkwardly.
“One for the pretty little girl?” I knew that voice anywhere. Only, it wasn’t beautiful anymore. The voice that was once music to my ears was now a dirty nail on a chalkboard. He tipped my chin up to meet his face with his repulsive finger. As my cold eyes met his evil ones, my heart sank.
“Blake.”
“Long time, no see, huh pretty girl?” He gently caressed my cheek, making me cringe. It was a struggle to look away from his intoxicating blue eyes. I stared at him, silently. He was so addicting, so manipulative, but I wouldn’t be sucked in again.
“Take a walk with me?”

(Present)

I could have said no. It would have been easy to just go home, right then and there. But I just couldn’t. Blake was a monster. He was a monster that was made especially for me. I knew I had to stop him. I knew I had to beat him.

(10 years ago)

As I walked into the woods, he followed.
“How have you been, babe?”
“I’m not your babe.”As I spit out my first opinionated words to Blake, my tone was as cold and heartless as he was.  When his eyes switched from amusement to rage, I knew exactly what was coming. I knew that look very well. His hand struck my cheek with an intense force. Pain punctured my every nerve. I recalled the stinging sensation so disdainfully. It was so familiar.
“You’re whatever I say you are!”

(Present)

As he spit out his last words, I noticed a creek behind him. In that second, everything clicked. I was no longer Blake’s puppet. I no longer belonged to him. I knew what I had to do.

(10 years ago)

“Not anymore, babe.” Shutting my eyes and utilizing every ounce of strength I had left in my little body, I pushed forward onto Blake’s chest.

(Present)

Once I pushed him, he instantly fell backward into the creek. I wasn’t even sure what had happened until I heard the loud crack of his skull against the sharp rocks in the water. With those beautiful cracks, came a feeling of freedom. I was really free. After that, I knew all of my worries and fears were slowly permeating throughout the river and floating down stream. I walked back to Aly as if nothing had even happened. It didn’t feel like a murder to me. It felt like freedom. It is freedom…
Does that answer all of your questions?”
“Yes Ms. Tobin. In exchange for your confession and location of the body, the District Attorneys Office will honor our end of the plea bargain. Eschewing charges for third degree murder and life without parole, you are hereby charged with second-degree murder and sentenced to four terms of twenty-five years, to be served consecutively, with possibility of parole.
“I don’t regret killing him. Sitting here, behind these metal bars, I’ve never felt so free.”