November 6, 2012
I really wish school would end.
I really wish all the stress would go away.
I really wish I could sleep as much as I wanted.
I really wish I could catch up on my sleep, but I think that’d take at least a year of sleeping.
I really wish I could work on my novel all day.
I really wish I could choose a title.
I really wish I knew where my novel was going.
I really wish I had 10,000 words written for said novel.
I really wish I were skinny.
I really wish I were one of the vampires from Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight”, that way I wouldn’t have to sleep.
I really wish school wasn’t so stressful.
I really wish AHS hadn’t started flipped classroom.
I really wish I always had good grades.
I really wish I knew what I was going to do with my life.
I really wish I knew where I was going to go to college.
I really wish I knew what I was going to major in.
I really wish I knew who I will marry.
I really wish I knew how many kids I’ll have.
I really wish to not become a crazy cat lady without a husband or kids.
I really wish to find a man who is right for me and will treat me right.
I really wish my life were perfect.
I really wish this world was perfect.
I really wish all these wishes would end and I’d be happy.
9:54 pm

November 7, 2012
I take long showers.
Is that a crime?
No.
I print things out for my book.
Is that a crime?
No.
I procrastinate.
A lot.
Is that a crime?
No.
I eat food.
All the time.
Is that a crime?
No.
I’m obsessed with Dr. Pepper.
Is that a crime?
No.
I want to become an author or a singer.
Is that a crime?
No.
I want to have freedom.
Is that a crime?
Well apparently it is, because I don’t feel that I’ve had freedom in the past I don’t know how many years.
Why did the world have to turn into one of imprisonment?
Why is no one free from the world?
Why do people feel this way?

I want to express my opinions.
Is that a crime?
11:36 pm

November 8, 2012
I’ve stopped caring about school.
I’ve stopped caring about life.
I’ve stopped caring.
1:21 pm

November 8, 2012
I’m stressed out.
Way too stressed out.
Teachers pile the homework on us.
NaNoWriMo wants you to write almost 2,000 words a day.
“The Wizard of Oz” takes some time out of my schedule.
If I get a part in Evelyn’s film, that will also take time out of my schedule.
Steercom meets on Sunday afternoons.
I’m supposed to work every other Sunday afternoon.
Football games take up half of Fridays.
I don’t have any leisure time anymore.
Unless I procrastinate and goof off.
I want to be a kid again.
I don’t want the tons of impossible homework.
I don’t want all the stress.
I don’t want to have to worry about my schedule.
I don’t want to start making impossible decisions.
I don’t want to start thinking about my future.
I don’t want to start being an adult.
I don’t want to grow up.
8:46 pm

November 8, 2012
That amazing feeling you get when you have an amazing idea for a song or your novel;
That the feeling I had not long ago, maybe half an hour when I should’ve been doing homework.
I had been stuck on my novel (writer’s block none-the-less) and couldn’t figure out what to do next.
So I started looking at a song I hadn’t worked on in a few weeks…
And BAM!
The idea just hit me!
I started writing the song;
“There’s a war going on;
There’s a fight breaking out,
And you’re trapped in the middle…”
It was completely related to my story!
As I wrote the song, new ideas came to me for my novel.
Sure it messed some things up;
Some things I had already written down and typed up,
But it will hopefully work none-the-less.
Where it’s going to be inserted into my (hopefully) amazing book;
I’m not sure.
11:39 pm

November 9, 2012
I don’t think I had ever been that close to the clouds while standing on the ground.
They moved swiftly, not allowing me time to admire them properly.
It only lasted a minute…but the sight was beautiful.
2:53 pm

November 10, 2012
76 Trombones.
It’s stuck in my head.
But wait!
What’s that other tune?
Playing in my left ear?
I’m not wearing headphones.
There’s no music playing.
But what is it that I’m hearing?
Is my mind making up this song, hoping I’ll remember it?
Is my mind trying to trick me?
…huh…
Seems to be stuck on a chord.
Maybe it’ll go away…
12:32 am

November 10, 2012
What can you break without hitting or dropping it?
A promise.

I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.
I promised myself and told myself not to…
But I did anyways.
It was a need that was forcing itself into my thoughts and my actions…
I couldn’t stop it…
No matter how hard I tried…

It crushed me and there’s never any stopping it.
Every time the need shows up, no one can stop it.
I can’t stop it.
You can’t stop it.
It can’t even stop itself.

When will it stop?
When will I be free?
When can I truly promise myself I won’t do it again?
3:09 pm

November 11, 2012
I have to write daily.
I want to enter this for Camp NaNoWriMo.
I need 50,000 words by then.
But what does everything need to be about?

Physics is s***.
Please pardon my language, but it’s the truth.
Flipped classroom is s*** as well.
You shouldn’t have to do notes at home and have to do labs every single day.
Everyone starts to hate labs after a while.
I started completely hating labs after the fifth one.
I simply tolerated them before, but now I can’t stand them.
I hate flipped classroom.
I hate physics.
I hate homework.
I hate all of these with a passion.

Grades are stupid.
Homework is stupid.
School isn’t necessarily stupid, but sometimes it is.

I looked at “Perks of Being a Wallflower” today.
I really want to see the movie again.
But alas, I don’t think that will happen soon.
Or it at least won’t happen until the movie comes out on DVD.
I really want the book and I really want to read it.
It seemed like it was really good.
My “diary” entries won’t be anything near what is in that book.
I don’t type huge long entries with huge long paragraphs.
I simply type each sentence out on its own line.
Is that so bad?

This may be my longest entry yet.
But then again, it may not be.
I’m only at 1,548 words at the moment, but I’m slowly getting there.
Maybe I’ll have 50,000 words by the time June or August comes around.
Maybe not.
11:58 pm

November 12, 2012
TRAGEDIES.
ALWAYS TRAGEDIES.
People get injured.
People die.
People cry.
I feel the pain.
IT’S ALL IN MY HEAD!
MAKE IT GO AWAY!
These day dreams.
These dreams and unreal realities that are always in my head.
MAKE THEM GO AWAY!
I CAN’T FOCUS ON ANYTHING!

It all started in the summer after 6th grade.
That’s when my imagination got worse.
I didn’t have daydreams until the summer after 6th grade.
My god.
I was obsessed.
I had a crush.
I couldn’t help it.
I was only eleven for god’s sake!
And then I started reading Twilight in 7th grade and my friends and I had nicknames from the series and that made things worse!
I put myself in the characters’ shoes and lost myself in their reality.
And then I read more books and many more different series of books started popping up, all of them saying, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
I read more and more and put myself in the characters’ shoes more and more!
Nowadays, I made up my own character for each series; myself.
I insert myself into the story and make myself be this awesome person, when in reality, I’m not awesome.
I can’t fight off monsters!
I’m not a witch!
I’m not a demigod!
I’m not a vampire!
How I wish these things were true!
How I wish I were as badass as I make myself to be in my daydreams…
But none of it will ever happen because it’s not real…
It’s only fictional.
I don’t have the confidence.
I never will have the confidence.
Everyone puts me down and I stay in my depressed corner, always the 3rd wheel of my friends.
Why am I the star of this life?
Why do I have the life that has almost no support?
Why do I have to go through all of this?
Am I supposed to be the weak link?
Am I supposed to fail?
Am I supposed to be here at all?
12:23 am

November 12, 2012
Time moves quickly.
Hang on to the precious moments in life, because you never know what you'll miss.
11:34 am

November 12, 2012
I’m the girl that sits alone in the middle of a big room, not noticed by a single soul.
I’m the one who is unapproachable at this time because of who I am and who I appear to be.
I notice everything, and yet, I am not noticed myself.
I see acquaintances around the room, but none approach me and I do not approach them.
Maybe by some miracle, I’ll be approached one day.
2:52 pm

November 12, 2012
I went in happy and excited, ready to audition.
I waited and waited for everyone else to get there and for the process to start.
I got the monologue, looked at it a moment, and was whisked away to be filmed while reciting the said monologue.
I started reciting the first one.
And then I started shaking, the nervousness melting away the anti-nervous forces.
I started reciting the second monologue.
I’m pretty sure it wasn’t that good.
I came out shaking, but still smiling, like the good little actress I was.
I left smiling, saying goodbye to my friends and acquaintances and the directors of the film.
I come home and start watching Doctor Who, half-way into one episode when I find out a made a part.
I find out I’m one of four girls who got a female role.
I am now Cassie Emerson, sister of Samantha, otherwise known as Sam.
9:20 pm

November 14, 2012
Before rehearsal for the musical today, I didn’t think I was enjoying being in the musical.
But then I got there.
And it was still pretty good; different from choir, but good.
In choir you learn the solfege syllables before the words, and it helps you learn the song faster.
Normally it’s a song you don’t know.
But in “The Wizard of Oz”, some of them are probably songs you’ve heard before.
And so it was pretty easy for us to learn the songs.
It was interesting.
It was different.
I loved it.

I have so much homework; it’s not even funny.
I have to define 25 words.
I have to complete a whole study guide.
I have to finish annotating a passage.
And I’m not that good at annotating!
I really hope these weren’t actually due yesterday.
If so, then I failed.

Just checked Skyward, the online grading system.
I’m still failing Physics, but only with a 61; it used to be a 55.
Mrs. Dowling hasn’t put all the grades in for the stuff we’re supposed to turn in this week, and so it doesn’t show as a missing grade yet.
That makes me happy.
I guess.
But what can I be happy about?
“Oh, I’m learning.”
???
What?
That doesn’t mean you’re going to use all the information once you graduate high school.
Teachers may say that you’ll use the information all the time, but that’s not necessarily true.
I’m sure if you asked an adult who doesn’t teach if they still use the information they learned in high school, they’d say “no”.
Think about it.
If you’re going to be a choreographer, you don’t really need to know the history of the American Revolution, though it’d be good to know.
If you’re an engineer, you’re not necessarily going to need to know what happened in William Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” now are you?
That is all I have to say on the subject.
I’m done with school.
I’m done with grades.
I’m done with friends.
I’m done with life.
No one really appreciates me for me.
9:33 pm

November 14, 2012
I remember.
I remember this.
I remember that.
I remember Christmas.

Tights.
Dresses.
Hair.
Shoes.
Food.
Presents.
Christmas used to be the one of the only days I would dress up.
It used to be one of the only days I would wear tights and a dress.

What happened?

During middle school, it just stopped.
I started wearing a t-shirt and jeans every day.
Was it because of tennis?
Was it because my friends made fun of me and decided who I was?
Whatever it was, it also affected Christmas.
Because that’s when I started wearing a hoodie, t-shirt, and jeans on Christmas day.
Maybe I’ll change it this year.
Maybe I’ll wear a nice shirt and jeans because all my dresses are too small and I don’t own any skirts.

Why are my dresses too small you might ask?
It’s because I love food.
And I don’t work out much.
And therefore I get fatter and fatter each day.
I want to become skinny again, but that’s not going to happen, not unless I try.
Will I ever be skinny again?
Possibly.
Will I ever start wearing nice dresses on Christmas day again?
Possibly.

I remember.
I remember the snow.
I remember the presents.
I remember Christmas.
10:13 pm

November 15, 2012
I have no motivation to do homework.
Well, except for the fact that I don’t want or need to fail school.
That would be bad.
But I don’t think anything really motivates me anymore, except for saving up money for a 32 disc Harry Potter DVD set.
But then again, after I watch all the DVDs in that, then it’s going to be like a lot of things that I now own; uninteresting because I know all of the content.
So what should I do with my life?
I have no motivation.
9:06 pm

November 20, 2012
It’s warm outside.
Why is it warm?
It’s November.
Just 2 weeks ago, it had been cold; I had been freezing at the football game.
But now it’s warm.
I can go outside in a t-shirt and jeans and feel perfectly fine; not to cold, not to hot.
Texas is bipolar.
Every Texan knows that.
But I get the feeling that it should be cold now.
Maybe it’s because that’s how states up north are.
Or maybe that’s how it used to be, but the earth has changed since I was little.
Or maybe it’s because that’s how it’s shown in books and movies and TV shows.
Texas is bipolar.
Why is it warm?
It’s warm outside.
5:27 pm

November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving.
Happy Turkey Day everyone.
What am I thankful for?
I have no idea.
Absolutely no idea whatsoever.
I’m not trusting enough.
Not even close.
So how can I be thankful for family and friends and food and shelter and pets when I’m not trusting?
I can be thankful for family because they don’t always try to pry into my mind and thoughts and doings.
I can be thankful for my friends because of the laughter they dig out of me.
I can be thankful for food because it means I’m still living; I’m not starving, not yet.
I can be thankful for shelter because it’s what helps to keep me warm in the winter months.
I can be thankful for pets because they don’t question my actions; they don’t make fun of me; they’re the only ones I can talk to without breaking the truth.
Yet, even if I tell my pets the truth, it seems weird; I’m still not trusting.
I fear I will never be trusting enough.
Not at all.

Here I am, 23,983 words behind for NaNoWriMo.
I fear I will never finish before November ends.
I fear I won’t finish until January.
Or even worse, February.
Or March.
Even if I don’t get it finished for NaNoWriMo, maybe I can enter it for Camp NaNoWriMo.
Maybe they’ll take it, even if I worked on it for NaNoWriMo 2012.
Hopefully they will.
I’m sure they will.
4:36 pm

November 27, 2012
Photography.
My love of photography has been…
What’s the word?
Renewed.

We have a new camera.
And it’s a good camera.
And I love it.

We’ve never had a good camera.
It’s amazing!
We’ve only had it for some odd number of hours and I’m in love!

I think cameras and cats and books and the internet and music will be my only loves.
I may become a cat lady.
Maybe Christie and I will both be cat ladies, because we both love cats just that much.

I’m awkward around guys.
I’m not extremely pretty.
And Kaitlyn and Tyler joke about trying to find me someone.
They joke about it during B lunch on B days.
Why do they bother?
The only guys that will like me will probably be guys I only see as friends or guys I just can’t stand.

The Stories of Eva Luna
By Isabel Allende.
This is the book we’re now reading in English class.
It seems okay so far, but I’ve only really read the prologue.
Someone said it’s not a bad book.
It’s not a bad short story that we have to read.
So maybe I won’t be distracted soon and I’ll be able to read it.
Music doesn’t always help when reading books for English.
But it’s something I can’t live without.

There are many unique writers out in the world.
Am I one of them?
My thoughts and my words are written on these pages.
They’re written this way because that’s how I see them on the page in my mind.
That’s how I feel they should be put in the page.

I think I failed the physics test today.
A lot of people said the test was easier than any of the others.
I didn’t see much of a difference.
It only got easier by one percent.
But then again, I didn’t really know the material.
Flipped classroom is s***.
Everyone thinks that.
Except for the teachers.
And the teachers do pretty much nothing except for grade and make tests and notes and worksheets and other s***.
And then they make us take the notes at home.
It doesn’t help us at all.
Or at least my class doesn’t think so.

So far I’m failing physics for the semester.
For the year at the moment it’s a seventy-two percent.
I’m not sure I’m going to pass physics.
I’ve given up on school and homework pretty much.
And flipped classroom isn’t helping at all.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life after school.
I don’t know where I’m going in life.

My thoughts bounce off the walls around me.
They suffocate me.
They don’t want me to live.
Help.
10:28 pm

November 27, 2012
This new generation will know nothing of having huge bulky computers; those things are old.
They’ll be severely technology driven.
It’s not going to be good.
This world is spiraling in to chaos.
Eventually we’re going to become nothing; just a world of technology obsessed idiots.
This world is eventually going to be destroyed…
It’ll be nothing…
11:43 pm

November 29, 2012
I used to think in Tetris…
Now I think in Unblock Me…
Addicting games…
12:23 am

November 29, 2012
I have my reason for being closed off.
I don’t want to be hurt.
And yet, I’m hurt everyday no matter what I do.
I’m not sure anyone understands my pain.
I’m not sure I even understand my pain sometimes.
Why is there pain?
Why is there suffering?
Why is there loneliness?
Why am I who I am?
2:48 – detention

November 29, 2012
Well…
I served my first detention today.
I thought it was all going to be “do this stuff for me” or “do you homework”.
But it was better.
I didn’t have to talk.
I didn’t have to do anything.
I just sat there in my seat away from Mrs. S. and read a book.
When I finished the book, I listened to music and played games on my iPod.
I played Unblock Me until my detention was over.
It was only thirty minutes.
I’m pretty sure she didn’t look up from her computer when I left.

Why did I have detention might you ask?
Well, three of my friends and I in my physics class were caught cheating.
I know, I know, you’re all going to tell me that cheating is wrong and it’s bad.
I know that.
But out of the three of us, none of us had done the notes and we didn’t understand the work.
And there was conveniently a filled out paper left on the desk under a formula chart.
And we got caught.
The good kids.
We are the good kids and we got caught doing one bad thing.
You should see the rest of the class.
They talk whenever they’d like and they never shut up.
And I mean NEVER.
They cuss and do whatever they’d like.
Some of them go out into the hallway without permission.
They cheat on worksheets and other things as well.
And what happens to them?
They get yelled at.
No detention.
No office referral.
Nothing.
They’re only yelled at.
We get caught cheating that one time and BAM!
Detention.
And it was a stupid detention, too.
5:34 pm

November 29, 2012
I GIVE UP!
I JUST F*ING GIVE UP!
I made a thirty-seven on my physics test that I took Tuesday.
I was right to think I had failed.
I went from having a sixty-four to having a fifty-nine in Physics.
PHYSICS IS SO STUPID!
I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY MAKE US WATCH THE NOTES AT HOME!
What happens if we didn’t have any time at all to watch the notes?
“Oh, you didn’t watch the notes, I’m gonna fail you.”
SO STUPID!
5:42 pm

November 30, 2012
You lied to me.
You forgot.
You’re losing it.
You lied to me.
You lied to me.
YOU JUST F*ING LIED TO ME!
Monday I asked if I could go to the movies with a friend.
You said ‘yes’.
Last night I told you what time the movie was at.
You said ‘okay’.
Today after school I told you we needed to pick my friend up.
You said I couldn’t go because you F*ING FORGOT we were going out to dinner with family.
On the way home I felt the need to cry, but I locked it up.
I locked it up tight.
Or so I thought I did.
At the intersection closest to home, I thought about crying and that wall just crumbled.
The need to cry was intense.
I had tears in my eyes.
My nose started to run.
The need to cry hit me like a ton of bricks.
But I didn’t.
I forced it back.
I had to.
It would seem weak to cry.
Especially over going to the movies.
And you already push me down enough for other things.
I don’t need you to push me down for crying.
And to make it worse, you had already found out I had had detention.
I was hoping to keep it a secret, but apparently teachers don’t like to do that.
I had already been dreading seeing you and speaking to you because of that.
But now I can’t go to a f*ing movie?
I had already planned it!
It was the only thing I was looking forward to!
And now you’ve taken it away!
AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT ANOTHING F*ING WEEK?!
AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR A MONTH?!
AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL THE STUPID MOVIE COMES OUT ON DVD?!
I DON’T THINK SO!

But I’m not a rebel.
I don’t go against rules.
I don’t talk back.
I don’t yell.
I’m not violent.
I’m nice.
I’m kind.
“I don’t cuss.”
My life must be a lie.
5:55 pm

December 1, 2012
We’re getting restless.
Whispering…
Whispering…
5:08 pm – All-Region Try-Outs

December 1, 2012
There’s a chunk of plastic missing from a music stand in the timpani room.
And the “PLANO EAST ONLY PLEASE!” piece of paper is upside down.
Time Unknown – All-Region Try-Outs

December 1, 2012
There’s a sea of timpani…
Just like Kelsey said…
Time Unknown – All-Region Try-Outs

December 1, 2012
She plays like a maniac.
Shannon I mean.
On the timpani.
I think she has played the loudest so far.
It’s her favorite instrument…
But that doesn’t mean she has to play like the percussion nerd maniac she is…
Time Unknown – All-Region Try-Outs

December 1, 2012
“Next in the performance chair is BI.”
On timpani?
Sure.
On mallets?
No.
On snare?
Not at all.
I think the “performance chair” does not apply to percussion at all.
Time Unknown – All-Region Try-Outs

December 2, 2012
I don’t know anymore.
I really don’t.
What am I going to do when I get to college?
What am I going to major in?
She has no faith in me.
She says I don’t try.
And maybe she’s right.
Maybe I don’t.
Maybe I don’t try at things I don’t completely care about.
Maybe I don’t try at things that I hate.
Maybe I’m tired of the world judging me.
WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHY MUST YOU HAVE NO FAITH IN ME?

Am I not allowed to be me?
Am I too much of an outcast?
WELL AM I?

I don’t fit in.
In any group.
Not the geeks.
Not the goths.
Not the cheerleaders.
Not the outcasts.
I have no group.
I’m lonesome.

I’m envious.
Of many, many people.
The ones who are famous.
The ones who are popular.
The ones who get whatever they want.
The ones who get good grades.
The ones who get to travel the world.
The ones who have two or three really, really good friends.
The ones who have people that listen to them.
The ones that can tell their lives to the world and not have a care at all.
Because I don’t have that.
None of it.
9:00 pm

December 2, 2012
They have no idea.
None of them do.
Half the time I have no idea myself.
The thoughts of suicide.
The thoughts of self-harm.
The thoughts of death.
They have no idea.

On the outside I seem happy.
I seem normal.
Content.
Except for physics.

But on the inside, I’m raging.
I’m screaming.
I’m crying.
I’m breaking.

And no one knows it.

I’ve been crying more and more lately.
Maybe it’s time I take a break.
A break from the world.
A break from life.
But I’d never be able to come back.
Never.
9:08 pm

December 2, 2012
I miss my childhood.
I just want to go back.
I don't want to have to worry about the stresses of life.
I just want to be a little kid again.
I miss my childhood.
9:25 pm

December 3, 2012
Someone agreed.
She agreed that the detention was stupid.
It was that blonde girl in my physics class who does labs with us sometimes.
I don’t know her name.
I just know that she’s blonde and realizes how much worse everyone is in our class.
She realizes that most people are worse than Grant, Sarah, and I.
3:29 pm

December 3, 2012
I voluntarily stayed up till midnight, yet I had no homework.
I watched Doctor Who till 11:47.
I’ll regret it in the morning.
11:57 pm

December 4, 2012
I’ll think something.
And then I’ll forget it.
I’ll think of something I want to say.
And then I’ll immediately forget it.

I blame technology.
It has taken over the world.
It has taken over a million minds and even more still.
All the children born into the world are going to be corrupted sooner or later.
Technology says, “Why not sooner?”

Tired.
Always tired.
Why am I this way?

“You were made a unique. Don’t die a copy.”

I’m not sure who said that, but it’s brilliant.
And I was just reminded of it last night.

I’ve already said goodbye to the lemon bars and brownie cupcakes or whatever they’re called.
I blame flipped classroom.
I blame having a social life.
I blame time.

Twenty-four hours seems like a long time.
It isn’t.
An hour seems like a long time.
It isn’t.
Half an hour seems like a long time.
It isn’t.
Twenty minutes seems like a long time.
It isn’t.
Ten minutes seems like a short time.
It isn’t.
Five minutes seems like a very short time.
It isn’t.
One minute seems like a very, very short time.
It isn’t.
Cherish the minutes you have; the minutes you live.
One day everything will be swept out from under you.
The world will be swept out from under you.
And what will you have left?
Nothing.
5:51 pm

December 4, 2012
I wish I could stop time.
Right here and now.
I would get all my homework done along with things I need to make up and still go to bed at eleven.
Maybe then I’d be able to catch up on sleep.
But I’m not getting my hopes up.
If I could stop time, so many things would be different.
10:29 pm

December 5, 2012

“You ever think, Charlie, that our group is the same as any other group like the football team? And the only real difference between us is what we wear and why we wear it?”

“Yeah?” And there was a pause.

“Well, I think it’s all bullshit.”








- The Perks of Being a Wallflower








By Stephen Chbosky








Page 155
This really says something…
It really does.
It’s true about everyone, no matter what group they’re in.
I think it also applies to the outcasts of the drumline, including me.
And including Kelsey.
Sure we’re in the same group, but that doesn’t mean we’re in the same group.
I’m not sure what group I’m in to be honest.

I’m blocking out the world.
I’m blocking out the drum room.
My music is blocking out the sound of idiots and marimbas.
I’m safe in my little bubble.
But then again, I’m not.
My thoughts destroy me.
8:30 am

December 5, 2012
They keep trying and trying to cram equations and random and useless information in my head, but it’s not going to fit!
And they don’t realize this.
Why should they?
Why won’t they?
2:27 pm

December 5, 2012
96 Crayola crayons are sitting on the floor of my room.
I’m very tempted to use them.
But I have no use for them.
I have no coloring books.
And I don’t color much anymore even though it’s fun.
This is when I’d like to go to the dollar store and buy a coloring book.
Just to use the crayons.
But then it’d ruin the perfectness of the said crayons.
That’s the thing with me.
I like using things like crayons and colored pencils and regular pencils with special designs on them…
But I never want to ruin their awesomeness; their amazingness.
11:33 pm

December 5, 2012
I finished the apple juice as fast as I could…
I thought I was going to drown, I drank it so fast.
11:36 pm

December 6, 2012
Rory.
He’s back.
Rory is back.

It’s a different fandom this year.
Last year was Harry Potter.
This year it seems to be Doctor Who.
Or at least this semester it is.
I started falling in love in September.
Stopped watching the episodes for a week or two and then rapidly got sucked into the world of the Time Lord and his companion.
Now it’s all I can think about except for the occasional thought of Harry Potter or physics.
Oh, how I hate physics.
But you should know that already, shouldn’t you?

Maybe my little diary here will become a book one day.
I think “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” kind of inspired this whole ordeal.
But then again, maybe I’m as messed up as Charlie.
Maybe that’s why I’m writing this for you.
10:30 pm

December 7, 2012
She’s right.
Hallie is right.
I do cry about little things, except for movies.

9:45 pm.
I haven’t had lunch since 11:30.
And you take me to Racetrack?!
Thanks.
No, really.
Thanks.
I’ll starve today and tomorrow.
A muffin for lunch and an apple Danish for dinner.
Thanks.
Tomorrow it’ll probably be chocolate for lunch and who cares for dinner.

I’m a very picky eater.
Very picky, but not as bad as some.
I haven’t had anything in 10 hours and I still haven’t had anything because I’m typing to you.
But this just infuriates me.
Does she really think that a Danish will satisfy me?!
Apparently she does!

On the way home, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
Why now?
Why here?
Why because of this?!
And who knows?
Maybe it’s just the way God made me.
Maybe it’s because of the way I was raised.
Maybe it’s because of everything that’s been going on around me.
Maybe it’s because of all the stress I’ve been through.
Maybe it’s just because.
Just because.
I bit my lip and forced the tears back.
I forced the sobs back.
I forced my emotions back.

But I can’t go on living life this way…
Can I?
I can’t cry about every little thing.
I hate crying in front of people anyways.
I hate people pitying me.
I just can’t take it.
One day I’m going to break and I’m forever and always going to be broken; no one will be able to mend me…
Not even myself.
10:09 pm

December 8, 2012
We’re being taken over…
The pit bus has been taken over.
These aliens invade our territory.
We’re crowded.
It’s not normal.
1:08 pm

December 8, 2012
Why am I doing this to myself?
I listen to the music and I just…
I just…
Why do I do this to myself?
1:26 pm

December 8, 2012
I have many conflicts boiling inside me…
And I don’t know what to do…
1:35 pm

December 8, 2012
The Eiffel Tower…
Freshman year…
On the bus…
With Megan…
As a cymbal player…
I remember it…
And now I see it.
2:08 pm

December 8, 2012
Happy…
What is happy?
Have I ever been truly happy?
Because I can’t remember.
I don’t know what happy feels like at this moment, right here on this bus.
6:31 pm

December 8, 2012
I don’t know who I am anymore.
Should I?
I’m being told what to do and it’s creating a different me.
I can’t figure out who I am anymore.
I just don’t know how to get myself back.
7:05 pm

December 9, 2012
“I am so tired of your attitude right now.”
Well, at least the feeling is mutual.

I hate being told something one minute and then having it denied the next.

I can’t take this anymore.
I just can’t take it.
Why does life have to exist?
12:48 pm

December 10, 2012
The noiseless silence bore down on the room.
The voices speaking in babbles blended together into nothing.
It was deafening.
8:46 am

December 10, 2012
“Christian likes you.”
Do you remember that little whisper in my ear during 8th grade?
The whisper you heard?
The one that you eavesdropped on?
Well I guess you couldn’t help it.
You happened to be sitting right next to me during lunch.
After that you said Christian and I would make a cute couple.
I wasn’t so sure.
After that I drowned in idiocy.
I told Christian the truth after being anonymous.
I told him I liked him.
He just brushed it off.
In 9th grade you kept saying we would make a cute couple.
And I had to constantly tell you that he wasn’t into me.
He didn’t like me the way I had liked him.
After that, I wasn’t really interested in the guys at school.
They were either jerks, not interested in me, had a girlfriend, or I saw them as a friend.
And it’s still that way.
Except most of the guys are just jerks.
But I guess that’s high school.
And all the single ladies are interested in celebrities, including me.
But I guess it can’t be helped.
The more fandoms you become a part of, the more celebrities there are to goggle over.
But that just makes it harder for the guys to find a girl now doesn’t it?
The girls have their own expectations.
The guys just want to be themselves.
The girls just want to be themselves.
But it’s not going to work if the girls don’t lower their expectations.
And saying this, everyone needs to be open minded.
But it’s not going to happen.
Everyone is going to be the shallow people they already are.
That’s just the way the world turns.
10:01 pm

December 10, 2012
Addicted.
I’m addicted.
Addicted to life.
Addicted to technology, just like everyone else.
Addicted to soda.
Addicted to reading.
Addicted to Doctor Who.
Addicted to Harry Potter.
Addicted to music.
I don’t know who I’d be if I didn’t have things such as these.
If I didn’t have technology, I’d be just as I once was.
If I didn’t have soda, I’d probably drink water all the time.
If I didn’t have books to read, I think my mind would be normal; I wouldn’t be lost in day dreams; I wouldn’t be smothered with such unrealistic realities.
If I didn’t have Doctor Who, I’d be stuck with Harry Potter and other such series, not that Harry Potter is a bad series; it was my first love.
If I didn’t have Harry Potter, I don’t know where I’d be in life; I’d probably be bored out of my mind; I’d probably be on the verge of suicide.
If I didn’t have music, I’d have to kill myself.
But…
If none of these were invented in the first place, everything would be different.
Every single little thing would be different.
I wouldn’t be who I am now.
And nor would you.
11:20 pm

December 11, 2012
I’m already on my way to becoming a senior…
But I don’t want to be a senior yet.
8:44 pm

December 11, 2012
I should really be in bed right now.
But I don’t want to go to bed.
I don’t want to get up in the morning either.
I never do.
Not unless it’s for something fun and exciting.

Everyone loved the concert tonight.
Especially our last piece; “The 12 Days After Christmas”.
We had the props.
We had the people.
We had the music.
We were ready for the laughter.
And that was the only song that the audience cheered after; it was the best and most interesting.
After all of the other songs, the audience only clapped politely, just as they were supposed to do.
“Well my self-esteem just went up fifty points.”
And who are you to talk treble select choir member?
I’m in a choir above yours.
You can’t talk.
And my parents were annoyed with you.
You didn’t whisper.
You had something negative to say after every choir.
Why don’t you just shut up?
At least we had the guts to do what we did.
At least we had fun with it.
At least we got to do it.
So just shut up.

I should go to bed.
It’s late, and I’ve lost enough sleep already.
Maybe you’ll hear more stories in the morning.
11:27 pm

December 13, 2012
How am I ever going to pass physics now?
I never learn anything.
I’m not going to ever pass a test again unless I’m lucky.
And that would take a lot of luck.

I got a note from my counselor about my physics grade today.
And it just made my day worse.
It said something like, “if you ever need to talk to me, you can email me at blah, blah, blah.”
Let me go talk to her.
This is what I’d like to say.
“I hate physics.
Why do we have flipped classroom?
It’s so stupid!
I’m not learning anything!
Statistics may say one thing, but if students’ grades are dropping, get rid of flipped classroom!”
But I’m not going to talk to my counselor.
Not unless it’s about my schedule.
And I would never say anything like that.

This morning I had fifty-seven literary terms defined.
Or at least written down on paper.
Now I have one hundred and twenty-five.
I must have worked really hard.
But it didn’t seem like I had worked that hard.
And I still have a bunch that I have written down that need to be defined.
I just can’t seem to stop procrastinating.
It’s that bad.

Help.
8:44 pm

December 14, 2012
11:56 pm
Someone tried to kill themselves yesterday at school.
Yesterday was a Thursday.
The first thing I thought when I heard about it was this.
“My god…depression.”
The second thing I thought was this.
“What would make this kid’s life so bad that he wants to kill himself?”
From what I eavesdropped on during physics, it was a tenth grader trying to jump off the second story to the floor of the first story in the main hallway.
The police thought some kids were fighting and broke them up.
But no, there was a kid trying to commit suicide.
I immediately felt depressed.
It’s gotten bad.
I think about it once at least every other day.
Why can’t it just go away with the snap of my fingers?

This world is corrupt and I have no hope for it.
Technology has taken over.
And everyone is fighting one another.
Prices keep getting higher and higher.
There is no equality.
I have no faith in humanity anymore.
I’m sure you understand this.
It’s devastating.
Some people may believe that technology is what makes the world go round.
But to be honest, technology may make the world stop.
Maybe that’s why the world is supposed to end on December 21st, 2012.
If that does actually happen, then it will be because of technology and various other things that have happened in the past few months.

Something is wrong.
There was a shooting in Connecticut this morning.
It was at an elementary school.
Twenty-seven people were killed, including kindergarteners.
And also today, there was a man in China who stabbed a bunch of students and teachers at a school.
This all made me think of the midnight premier of “The Dark Knight Rises” towards the beginning of the school year.
I’m not the only one who was reminded of this.
My father mentioned it earlier.

Every time one of my parents even mentions my physics grade, I’m immediately annoyed.
I can’t stand physics.
I don’t even know what we were supposed to have learned this unit.
At least I did better on this unit test than the last one.
Many people said that this one was the easiest so far.
They said that about the last one as well.
But I failed both.
I failed the last one with a thirty-seven.
I failed this one with a forty-something.
I just give up.

My eyes hurt.
It’s because of lack of sleep.
I blame school.
I blame homework.
I blame extra-curricular activities.
I blame the internet.
I blame technology.
I blame procrastination.
I blame myself.
My eyes hurt.
Can I go to sleep for forever?
But…
If I do that, I won’t come back.
Will I?
December 15, 2012
12:10 am

December 15, 2012
Kayla R.
You’ve done it again.
You’ve gone and made me cry.
I’m happy and everything for you because you’ve found your church family!
You’ve found the ones who love you for you!
But…
Now I never see you.
And I’m afraid that I’m only going to see you once a year.
We used to be a lot closer than we are now.
What happened?
Well, I guess the answer is simple.
You found your church.
You’ve found God.
Me?
I haven’t found Him yet.
And there are times I’m afraid I never will.
And then there are those rare times that I feel like He’s there with me, but a minute later, the feeling is gone.
Maybe I don’t open my eyes enough?
Maybe I don’t open my mind enough?
Maybe I don’t believe?
Maybe I don’t try, just like my mom says?
Maybe I’ve given up?
When will the crying end?
12:27 am

December 15, 2012
What would they think of me if they knew how much I’ve cried recently?
I'm sure they wouldn't think anything of it.
12:00 pm

December 15, 2012
“I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re not really welcome on here; you haven’t been invited.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve invaded the pit bus. Welcome to hell.”
I smiled. It was an evil smile, one full of annoyance and selfishness and greed. They had invaded and we weren’t happy.
The two girls in front of me turned back around, brushing off my hellish welcome.
Oh the fantasies and daydreams you can think of while on the bus.
2:51 pm

December 15, 2012
I’m trying to drown out the noise of idiocy, yet some of it keeps leaking in.
10:53 pm

December 16, 2012
I promised myself I wouldn’t.
And yet I broke that promise.
Why must I do this?
Why must I make a promise, knowing I’d eventually break it?
Why do I do this to myself?
1:33 am

December 17, 2012
Am I just cheating my way through high school, or is it just group work.
Group work and copying.
Teachers, you gave us the answers to things, so we’re not necessarily cheating.
Or are we?
And Physics…
Physics, physics, physics…
You may give us the notes in video form thinking that it’ll help the students, but it’s not.
There are probably a bunch of people who don’t want to hear their teacher’s voice outside of school.
I would be one of those people.
I turn the music up.
I turn the teacher down, hoping I won’t be able to hear her.
I pause the video so her voice doesn’t drone on and on and on.
Copying and group work.
Physics, you also have us do group work in class.
Well, that doesn’t mean we learn anything!
I feel like today is the first day in weeks that I’ve actually been able to solve things for myself.
And I don’t even know what we learned this last unit!
I can’t decide if this is stuff we learned this last unit or a few units ago.
I believe it was this last unit, so how am I solving these?
English, you also encourage us to work in groups.
Yes, this helps us, it really does!
But…would you also call it cheating?
I’m sure you would, just like any other teacher of any other subject.
I feel like I’m cheating my way through high school.
I’m not learning anything really, but just going with the flow.
11:43 pm

December 23, 2012
Last night.
The football game.
We won.
We’re state champions.
Again.
But I had never been to a state game before.
The last one we had been to was in 2008, and I was in middle school then.
I wasn’t yet a high schooler.
And the past 2 years we’ve lost to Trinity in the play-offs.
I thought I would be extremely happy even now.
But I’m not.
I feel emotionless.
Just like on the bus ride.
I was emotionless.
Even my music wasn’t helping.
Maybe I’m losing my emotions?
Maybe this isolation is what’s making me heartless?
Maybe the bullying is stripping me of my emotions and my love of things?
Maybe one day I’ll become nothing.
I’ll just be a body with no soul.
2:17 – trip to Louisiana

December 24, 2012
Merry Christmas Eve everyone!
I got some awesome presents last night from grandparents and cousins and uncles and aunts!
It was great!
From Aunt Charlotte, Uncle Kris, Nicolette, and Gracie, I got Harry Potter things, which is super awesome!
Going from that, that reminds me that I feel like HP hasn’t been a huge fandom to me anymore.
I feel that as a new fandom comes forward and takes over my mind and soul, the fandom I was currently fangirling over is pushed to the back of the fandom closet.
Is that bad?
Or does that mean I’m just giving this new fandom a chance to be heard?
A chance to speak out?
My first fandom was Harry Potter.
It was my first true love.
And then I got into Starkid.
They were my second true love.
And then I got into Doctor Who.
That was my third true love.
And now I’m into Merlin.
It is my true love now…
Or at least I think it is…
I’m still a huge Doctor Who fan.
And a huge Starkid fan.
And a huge Harry Potter fan.
But I think Merlin may be at the top of the list, or maybe Doctor Who.
They’re not in the fandom closet right now.
…or are they?
3:15 pm – trip back to Texas

December 24, 2012
When I was younger I thought high school was going to be great.
I thought it was going to be amazing.
I thought it was going to be the best thing in my life.
I blame books for that.
I actually got to high school and realized that everything was terrible.
Is terrible.
I thought that maybe I’d have a boyfriend by the time I’d be a senior.
That hasn’t happened so far.
I thought prom would be the most important thing to me when it came time.
It’s not.
But I’m not a senior, so I guess I wouldn’t really know.
I thought I would know what I was going to do with my life.
I thought I’d know what job I’d want and where I’d like to go to college.
I don’t.
I’m not sure I’ll ever know.
I’m not sure if there’s anything my parents would approve of that I’d like.
I really don’t.
4:53 pm – trip back to Texas

December 26, 2012
I’m fragile.
I know I am.
I’ve been this way for years and didn’t realize it until now.
10:21 pm

January 11, 2013
It’s been so long since I had last written, I kind of forgot what this was for.

Concert season has started, and I’m not liking it very much.
First of all, Mr. V. is my band director this year.
Second of all, Mr. Pennington had a mini-stroke and is now directing at Ereckson while Mr. Hinton is now the head director and no one likes him.
Third of all, the other percussionists in my section don’t care about band at all.
And the percussionists go as follows:
Keith D.
Megan L.
Jordan H.
Rusty W.
Brandon F.
Anthony W.
Scott L.

Yesterday, my whole section ditched class.
We hung out on the drum room.
And I was anxious.
I knew we’d get in trouble.
And we came up with all these cover stories in case Mr. V. walked in.
Or if Mr. Noyes walked in.
We didn’t want to go to band.
And I’m sure just about none of the others cared about going to band.
It frustrates me.
I would’ve rather had gone to band.
Keith and I tried to leave to see if anyone would follow, but no one did and Anthony motioned us to come back.
Five minutes before class ended, Mr. Noyes walked in.
I thought he was going to give us a lecture.
Our cover story for him was that “he told us on Monday that we would have rehearsal today.”
*Facepalm*
We didn’t have school on Monday.
Rusty, it was Tuesday.
And he didn’t say we would have rehearsal today anyways and I’m sure he knew that.
I’m not sure if he bought our cover story.
But I think he let the matter slide.

Today at the beginning of class, and I mean the very beginning, it was only me and Keith.
And then not a minute later, Scott joined us.
Mr. V. asked us where we had been yesterday and I quickly came up with a cover story we had talked about the day before.
I told him we had been waiting for Mr. Noyes.
I think he bought it.
He said it was a waste for us to wait for Mr. Noyes the whole class period.
And we knew it was.
He thought we had been rehearsing, but we obviously weren’t.

We got a new piece today.
When we got the accessories, Anthony joined our group of percussionists that cared and didn’t want to get in trouble.
Towards the end of the warm ups, or maybe at the beginning of “Chant and Jubilo”, Rusty joined us.
I’m not sure what he was doing.
I think he was practicing for a Supercussion audition.
Possibly the snare ensemble.
I’m really not sure.
But after we got our new piece that had been passed out but I believe before Rusty had gotten there, we had chosen our parts.
And then the rest filtered into the room.
I didn’t see them come in.
I didn’t hear them.
They just appeared.
I thought they would get in trouble.
Or at least be counted absent.

This is when I wish last year Taylor and I had ditched band one day so the percussion section wouldn’t have had any mallets to use.
Last year in Sym 4, Taylor and I were the only ones that brought our mallet bags.
We were pretty much forced to let the others use our mallets.
We’re not mean people.
So we let them use our mallets and I lost mallets in the process.
I lost a pair of vibe mallets.
I still have no idea what happened to them.
But Taylor would be gone one day and I’d open her locker because she would give me her combination and so we’d still have all the mallets we would need.
If I wouldn’t be there, I’d give her my combination.
We would always warn each other since we needed the mallets.
After school was over, my mom had suggested that one day we should’ve just ditched class so percussion would’ve gotten in trouble.
I would’ve loved that.
It would’ve taught them a lesson.
And I feel that way about my section this year.
Except it seems more chaotic.
Last year at least we all showed up for class.
It could’ve been because we had Mr. Pennington, but this year my section just doesn’t care.
At all.
I hate it when they don’t care.
And I’m sure Keith and I are the only ones to bring our mallet bags this year.
Except for the random pair of sticks someone else may bring.
And we’re not going to be thanked for this.
We’re going to do it and not care.
I wish they would show at least some sort of appreciation.

Why do I have to be one of the only ones to care this year?
Why me?
Why this band?
Why?
10:20 pm

January 12, 2013
I’m stuck in an unrealistic world.
I’m stuck in a fantasy.
I’m stuck in Dreamland.

I actually wrote a song called “Dreamland.”
I thought it was rather good.
But I’m being serious.
All I think about every moment of everyday is fantasies going on in my head.

Maybe I’m a Time Lord.
Maybe I’m a wizard.
Maybe I’m a demigod.
Maybe I’m a vampire.
Maybe I die.
Maybe I try to commit suicide.
Maybe I cut myself.
Maybe I’m a badass fighter.
Maybe I have a boyfriend.
Maybe I have best friends that I can tell anything to.
Maybe I’m an actress.
Maybe I’m a singer.
Maybe I’m in a band.
Maybe I write musicals.
Maybe I perform in musicals.
Maybe I write books.
Maybe I watch movies and tv shows all the time.
Maybe I’m popular.
Maybe I’m skinny.
Maybe my hair is black.
Maybe I’m stuck in Dreamland.
8:46 pm

January 26, 2013
The hair was lost.
Lost to the scissors, that is.
And now the long hair is short.
6:44 pm

January 26, 2013
Everyone thinks they know everything about me.
They think they know every single, little detail.
But they don’t.
They don’t know how many times I have wanted to cry.
They don’t know how many times I have cried.
They don’t know how many times I have wanted to kill myself.
They don’t know.
Sure, I cry about little things.
But it’s because God has made me so fragile.
And it’s because of every single, little thing that has happened in my life.
It’s because my parents have kept me f*ing sheltered my whole life.
It’s because my parents have decided that I should live under a f*ing rock.
Well you know what?
They’ve made me fragile as well.
No, I haven’t been beaten by my parents.
No, my parents don’t keep extremely close supervision on me.
But that’s part of what has made me fragile.
It’s my parents and God.
And then my mom decides to be brutally honest and breaks my heart even further.
Soon enough my heart is going to shatter…
…and then I’ll never be able to put it back together again because the duct tape won’t work anymore.

I’m the ghost that is entirely visible.
I’m the bulletproof glass that breaks as soon as you touch it.
I’m the strong girl that breaks with every insult.
I’m the heart that beats as if any moment could be its last.
I’m the girl that has so many thoughts of suicide and hurt and pain…
…but has no confidence and no courage…
I’m the Cowardly Lion with a brave soul.
I’m the brave soul that doesn’t take a chance.
I’m fragile.
11:12 pm

February 1, 2013
Paramore’s “Pressure” echoes off the walls of my room.
It scares me how much this relates to me at the moment.

I’m not a part of Kali’s “family” anymore and I just want to cry.
Mr. Noyes expects all of us to practice at least 2 hours a week and I don’t have the time or patience to do that.
My parents expect me to make perfect grades and do everything I’m supposed to.
I have no free time anymore due to the musical which we perform next weekend.
Texas vs. the Nation is tomorrow and Mr. Hinton has pretty much called the front ensemble “stupid” already because we don’t march and “needed to learn” because of that when we already knew how to march for the most part.

I just can’t do it anymore.
I just can’t.
There are so many times I want to bash my head into the wall.
There are so many times I want to take a gun to my head.
There are so many times I want to slide a razor across my wrist.
But I don’t let that happen.
I can’t let that happen.
So many people would be torn.
So many people would wonder why.
So many people just wouldn’t know.

I want to cry and I just can’t.
Why can’t i?
Am I losing my emotions?
Am I losing everything that used to make me, well, me?
Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.
Maybe I really don’t care.
Maybe the pressure just goes right through me, yet all the stress rests on top of my shoulders.
I just can’t do it anymore.
I don’t want to be here in the world.
The band is falling apart.
School just gets harder and harder.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
11:52 pm

February 2, 2013
Kali M.
Do you remember middle school?
Do you remember when you would call yourself “ugly” and “fat”?
I do.
And I would always argue that you weren’t.
And you would always argue that you were.
Sure, you were a little big, but you weren’t “fat”.
Sure, you weren’t the prettiest girl in the school but you were nowhere near “ugly”.
And you’re still nowhere near either of those.
Now look at me.
I was pretty skinny back in middle school because of tennis.
Now I’m “fat”.
I’ve sat on my ass and I’ve done nothing except procrastinate.
Kali.
Kali Kali Kali.
You may have thought you were “ugly” and “fat”, but you’ve had more boyfriends than I have.
And I’ve been there during 2 of those.
Well…still here for one of those.
I’ve only had one boyfriend, and that was 7 years ago, so you can stop complaining!
You had a boyfriend in 8th grade.
You have one now in 11th grade.
I had one in 4th grade.
And then I had a guy that liked me in 9th and 10th grade but I didn’t like him that way.
I still don’t.
Kali, just be glad you have a guy who thinks you’re beautiful just the way you are, because I don’t.
And I’m afraid that I never will.
You may be breaking my heart now, but I’ll always be here for you.
12:04 am

February 22, 2013
Rented “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” today from Family Video.
Just finished watching it.
The ending always gets me.
Just because I feel like I’m like Charlie.
I feel like I see things, but in reality, I might not.
At least I don’t think I do.

I want to remember what it’s like to be in a musical.
I want to remember what it’s like to be in the chorus of a musical.
Singing.
Dancing.
Reacting.
Watching.
Doing completely nothing.
I’ll never forget the one Saturday that I went to Taco Bell during the lunch break.
I got up after finishing my food and I turned around and there were three of the four leads.
They were sitting at a table in the opposite corner from Will, dad, and I.
Bishop, the Tinman, waved to me and Rachel, Dorothy, turned around and waved as well.
Garrett, the Lion, had been sitting next to Bishop.
I went up to them and said “Hi.”
Rachel asked how I was doing and I said I was doing fine.
I then proceded to ask how she was doing and she said she was tired, but good.
After that, I wondered how she knew my name.
Maybe she just remembered my name from years ago.
Maybe she just relearned it.
I’m not sure.
I want to remember Terry, the guy that worked with the flying equipment.
He always had funny shirts.
One of them said “Now I know how to pick up chicks.”
And it was funny because it was true.
He seemed like lots of fun to be around.
I don’t want to forget the time I spent with Suzanna, David, Corinne, Ethan, Connor, Lizz, and Cam.
All of them except for David and Corinne, were freshmen, but it was still some of the best times.

I want to remember now.
I’m a part of Evelyn’s web series, called “Reverie.”
It was going to be a feature film called “Outbreak.”
And then it was cancelled.
And then it was going to be a short film.
And then it was a feature film again.
And now it’s a web series.
We had a little poll as to see whether or not we would change the name.
I voted for “Tremor” and “Reverie”.
I think “Tremor” may have been cooler, but “Reverie” is still nice.
I play Cassidy “Cassie” Emerson.
The step-sister of Samantha “Sam” Emerson.
We got part one of the first episode a few days ago.
We just got the rest of the episode last night.
I was so excited last night, I just couldn’t wait to print it out because I already had part one printed.
But we had no paper.
Well, all the 20 reams of paper that we had were in mom’s car.
And I was in a bathrobe and pajama pants.
There was no way I was going to get a heavy box of paper at 11:30 at night in that outfit.
So sadly, I had to wait.
And it was sad because Karen and I read lines this morning, just because I needed someone to do it with me.
I have let Marissa B. start reading the script, and Sarah May read the entire first part of the script today.
I promised Marissa I’d bring the script on Tuesday.
Hopefully I’ll remember.
Allison P. who used to play Mel quit on us because when we cancelled, she planned parties.
Allison does birthday parties as Disney princesses.
I’ve heard she’s really good.
I hope it turns out very well for her.
So we had auditions for the part of Mel, except now she has been named “Darcy”.
The name has grown on me.
At first I didn’t like it.
But now I suppose I do.
Marissa B. and Maria S. both auditioned for the role of Darcy.
Sadly, neither of them got the part.
But the callbacks were interesting.
Especially when one of the callback girls, Franchesca, started yelling during her improv and we were all trying so hard not to laugh during the middle of it.
And then one of the other girls, I think it may have been Maria D., called Bailey’s character Katie a “dumb b****.”
The rest of us cast and crew weren’t allowed to watch them when we were in the hallway filming and they were doing improv and everything, so I had to stop for a second when I heard that.
There’s a picture on the group on facebook of Bailey’s face after Maria called her that.
I believe a girl named Sarah got the part of Darcy, but Maria is going to have a part in it later in the season.
I think everyone is going to get along just fine.
We seem to be doing pretty well at the moment.
I guess we’ll see what happens when filming starts.
You know, in about two weeks.
I have to research the effects of drug abuse and having to keep it a secret at a young age.
I also have to research blended families and talk with Alyssa about how our characters would react to each other, since Alyssa plays Sam.
Apparently my character did drugs when she was younger.
Why was I excited about this?

I should probably leave you now.
Maybe I’ll start “Rise of Planet of the Apes” before I watch whatever movie with dad.
I think it might be “Terminator 3”.
“Rise of Planet of the Apes” has Tom Felton in it, so I’m excited.
I’ve seen it once before when it was in theaters.
Uncle Mike had been in town so we went and saw it as a family.
I think it suited Uncle Mike’s tastes since he’s a scientist himself as far as I know.
Well goodbye for now.
9:31 pm

March 14, 2013
I can honestly feel my heart breaking a little bit more right now.
Evelyn blew up at me not too long ago.
She was being really uncaring about scheduling for photo shoot and I tried to make a joke.
I said “You’re no help.”
I even had a sticking-it’s-tongue-out smiley face to show that I was joking and she blew up on me.
She was very kinda sarcastic about it as well.
She said she was sorry that she just lost her best friend.
She said she was sorry that her life was f*ed up.
She said she was sorry that her life was being a b****.
I ended up crying and I just left.
And here I go crying again.
I started thinking about how I have no best friend.
Not even one.
Haven’t had one in years, no matter how many people seem to think they’re my best friend.
I honestly can’t tell anyone how I feel about a lot of things.
I honestly can’t tell anyone my secrets.
I honestly can’t tell most people that I want to be an actress when I grow up.
Evelyn, I’m sorry you actually had a best friend while I didn’t.
I’m sorry I didn’t know about how f*ed up your life is right now.
I’m sorry my not knowing caused you to blow up on me.
I’m sorry I’m so weak that I had to cry.
And now I’m almost tempted to tell you that I started crying.
I can feel my heart breaking right down the middle.
It’s almost tempting to pick up a razor and just run it across my wrist.
It should be easy…
Shouldn’t it?
I’m sorry I stayed up to listen to depressing music and cry.
I’m sorry I couldn’t listen to my new cd called “Newsies”; it was too happy.
I’m sorry I hurt now because of the words you threw at me out of your own hurt.
No matter how many times I bandage my heart up, it’s never the same.
I’ve bandaged it so many times that I’ve lost count.
I’ve cried so many times since I started high school, and it’s not even funny.
I can’t tell you how much I hate the drama of best friends.
I can’t tell you how much I hate the drama of boys.
I can’t tell you how much I hate life right now.
I can’t tell you how much right now I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I can’t tell you how much I hurt right now.
I just can’t put it all in words.
It’s just this pain in my chest that won’t go away.
It wasn’t there until you blew up on me, Evelyn.
And now it’s there.
And it won’t go away.
I just can’t tell you how much I hurt right now.
There are no words to describe this pain.
1:44 am

April 1, 2013
Evelyn:

I’m removing you from the web series.

Received: April 1, 4:35pm
Mary:

April fools?




Sent: April 1, 4:43pm
Evelyn:

No…





Received: April 1, 4:52pm
Mary:

Thanks for ruining my day then…I’m just gonna go home and cry now and skip the band concert
I have to be at for a grade.


Sent: April 1, 4:55pm
Evelyn:
`
I’m so sorry! It’s just been really hard to direct you.







Received: April 1, 4:57pm
Mary:

……………………I still can’t decide if this is an april fools joke or not…







Sent: April 1, 4:57pm
Evelyn:

I told you it wasn’t.



Received: April 1, 5:00pm
Mary:

Yeah, but it’s still April 1st


Sent: April 1, 5:00pm
Evelyn:

So??





Received: April 1, 5:00pm
Mary:

I’m literally going to cry if it’s not a joke

Sent: April 1, 5:01pm
Evelyn:

Don’t cryyy




Received: April 1, 5:01pm
Mary:

It’s going to be really embarrassing if I start crying in the middle of a band concert :’(







Sent: April 1, 5:03pm
Evelyn:

Mary I’m sorry



Received: April 1, 5:04pm
Mary:

I’m gonna cry




Sent: April 1, 5:05pm

It’s not even funny :’(



Sent: April 1, 5:05pm

I don’t like you anymore


Sent: April 1, 5:05pm

Thanks for ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it on the ground







Sent: April 1, 5:10pm
Evelyn:

Dude please stop



Received: April 1, 5:13pm
Mary:

It’s not like I needed my heart anymore

Sent: April 1, 5:14pm
Evelyn:

K bye





Received: April 1, 5:15pm
Mary:

You brought me up so fucking high just to have me ocme crashing to the ground







Sent: April 1, 5:16pm
Evelyn:

Dude stop




Received: April 1, 5:23pm
Mary:

Why should i? It’s not like I’m grinding your hopes and dreams into dust!







Sent: April 1, 5:25pm
Evelyn:

I think you think this is a joke so you’re playing around.







Received: April 1, 5:26pm
Mary:

A little bit, but if this isn’t, then I literally will still send you this







Sent: April 1, 5:28pm
Evelyn:

It’s not





Received: April 1, 5:32pm
Mary:

Well, I guess I didn’t want to be happy anyways…I’ll just go wither away and die now…







Sent: April 1, 5:33pm
Evelyn:

Don’t say that




Received: April 1, 5:34pm
Mary:

Nope, it’s true, I have nothing to look forward to now







Sent: April 1, 5:34pm
Evelyn:

Mary, stop.




Received: April 1, 5:34pm
Mary:

Oh look…I’m home…time to cry


Sent: April 1, 5:35pm

I think I’ll grab my teddy bear first though…
Sent: April 1, 5:36pm
Evelyn:

FUCKING STOP




Received: April 1, 5:37pm
Mary:

No :(





Sent: April 1, 5:37pm
Evelyn:

I’m sorry Mary. It was best for the production.







Received: April 1, 5:38pm
Mary:

Guess I’ll just give up on everything now

Sent: April 1, 5:39pm
Evelyn:

You need to stop. I’m sorry. I tried to direct you and it just didn’t work out.







Received: April 1, 5:41pm
Mary:

Alright, alright, I’ll leave you alone to do your big production and you can just leave me here in
the dust while I cry



Sent: April 1, 5:43pm
Evelyn:

You still think I’m joking. I’m not.

Received: April 1, 5:47pm
Mary:

I can tell. Good thing I don’t wear makeup
Sent: April 1, 5:50pm
Evelyn:

?





Received: April 1, 5:50pm
Mary:

Crying + makeup = hideous


Sent: April 1, 5:51pm
Evelyn:

Stop crying.




Received: April 1, 5:52pm
Mary:

I can’t…wish I could



Sent: April 1, 5:52pm
Evelyn:

Sorry





Received: April 1, 5:57
Mary:

It’s okay, I’ll just go drown in my tears

Sent: April 1, 6:01pm
Evelyn:

Mary I’m being serious. This isn’t a joke. I’m going to have to let you go for the good of the
production. It just isn’t working out.

Received: April 1, 6:03pm
Mary:

I know





Sent: April 1, 6:03pm

I’m just trying to make you feel bad now
Sent: April 1, 6:04pm

It’s my new goal in life



Sent: April 1, 6:04pm
Evelyn:

I’m sorry




Received: April 1, 8:34pm
Mary:

Why must you break my heart in this way? Sent: April 1, 9:35pm
Evelyn:

Mary I am so sorry



Received: April 1, 9:41pm
Mary
:

You could’ve at least tried to work one on one w/ me and try to fix things before completely
firing me




Sent: April 1, 9:42pm
Evelyn:

Honestly if this were a short film or any other smaller project I would, but we have one week per
episode and I wouldn’t have the time to work so hard on each person.







Received: April 1, 9:44pm

You’re not a bad actress it’s just when I ask for something you don’t deliver. I tried to repeat
myself and work a little bit while giving you leeway to make it your own but it just isn’t working
out.





Received: April 1, 9:45pm
Mary:

I honestly did try to deliver when you asked for something. And I had been working on the script
trying to become Cassie



Sent: April 1, 9:47pm
Evelyn:

I know. It just hasn’t been showing and I didn’t think it’d benefit anybody to keep the casting the
same. I mean, think about it. You’re pretty good and if I kept you then you wouldn’t have time
to get better because we’re going so fast. And if you aren’t getting better the production
doesn’t look as good. This is beneficial for the both of us.







Received: April 1, 9:50pm
Mary:

And now I won’t have a chance to get better because I don’t have another chance to do any
acting.





Sent: April 1, 9:54pm
Evelyn:

There are so many short film projects I and others will pursue in the future.







Received: April 1, 9:55pm
Mary:

Put a good word out for me?


Sent: April 1, 9:56pm
Evelyn:

Of course!




Received: April 1, 9:57pm

And I apologize so much -.-


Received: April 1, 9:57pm

What happened to April Fools Day?
This has been a fucked up April Fools Day.
At first I thought Evelyn was joking, I mean, why tell me on April 1st?
Of course I would assume it’s a joke!
Just like the last prank Evelyn pulled!
Except I thought this time I wasn’t in on the joke…
Turns out I was wrong.
I spent 5 minutes hating Evelyn.
I spent 2 hours feeling the need to cry.
I spent 1 ½ hours crying.
I spent half an hour hating myself and wondering why I wasn’t especially good at anything.
I spend 10 seconds wondering where I’m going to go in life.
I spent this whole time sinking deeper and deeper into depression.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m afraid I never will.
It’s time to throw away my list of hopes and dreams…
…I’m sure they’ll never come true…
11:18 pm

April 1, 2013
Evelyn told me things about the series.
Stuff other people didn’t know.
She also told Alyssa these things.
She told us that the Blackwell that is in episode 1 isn’t the real Blackwell.
This guy wasn’t even in the military.
But he was trained by Blackwell.
So he’s pretending to be Blackwell.
It turns out that Blackwell is actually Cassie’s biological father as well as Sam’s.
This makes them half-sisters.
But they’re already step-sisters.
Tanner, who plays “Blackwell” at the moment got a little confused by this.
I was so excited to be in this production, but now my heart has been torn out of my chest and I just can’t feel anymore.
I was up so high, and now I’ve fallen back to the ground; broken, bloodied.
I’m not sure what to do anymore.
I’m not even sure how to tell dad.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life.
I thought having Reverie on my resume for college would be good, but now I’m not in it.
So what now?
I’m going to cry again.
Maybe not tonight…
But tomorrow I will.
I think.
11:26 pm