Quest Of The Dipsticks

(Foreword)

The year is 1327 and King Oxton of Shoeland has just dominated his rival and brother in law, King Hoot of Bootland, ending a three year war between the two countries that started over a game of hide and seek between King Oxton and King Hoot that went terribly wrong (Hoot cheated and didn’t do a well job of hiding it). So, King Oxton has just captured two jaded travelers last week and suspects they are working for King Hoot and his militia. He wants the two murdered for treason, as they are descendants and citizens of Shoeland.

(This tale did not take place on Earth.)

King Oxton sat proudly in his dining room on his throne waiting for the official surrender to arrive from King Hoot stating that the war was over, he accepts his failure, and he will never cheat while playing hide and seek again. Impatiently waiting and bored out of his mind, the king finally thought of something to do that would pass the time until he received his letter.

“That’s it!” He yelled towards his nearby squire. “Send the two traders in! I want to hear their reasoning for their betrayal to our holy land, and I have some things I’d like them to comprehend before they’ve met their fate… which will be soon.” He briskly stood up and approached a nearby window thinking intensely about why the trees outside grew upwards on hills. “Why don’t they grow sideways?” He thought hardly. And after a couple of seconds of thinking, he focused his attention back inside as if something told him to finish the conversation. “I’d also like to figure out who these two gentlemen are exactly and what their names are. I’d love to ruin their families name for years to come in Shoeland, and make their lives a living hell. This act will show that country that I am nobody to mess with! My vicious knights and I!” He laughed sinisterly while the nearby knights joined in. Suddenly, he became sincere and the knights grew silent. “Oh, and when you bring them in please stand them shoulder to shoulder and make sure the tall one’s on my left. If not it’ll look funny because the floor has a dip in it and it’ll mess with my head. I definitely won’t be able to concentrate when I’m talking to them because it won’t look right. Wh-What’s the tall ones name again?” He asked his squire curiously.

“Da tall one is Seymour, sir. Seymour Muggins is his full name.” Huey Longsocks, the asian-born right hand man (squire) alongside King Oxton stated

“Ahh, yes! Put Seymour Muggins on the left where he belongs when you bring them in.” The king said calmly. He then paused and thought for a little. “Or better yet, make the other one stand on that piece of wood over there so he’s the same size as Seymour. And incase the smaller one passes out Seymour after the wood, just have him hunch over so they’re both the same size. Maybe give a stone or two to Seymour incase they still look funny.”

“What kind of stone you want?” Huey asked curiously. “I mean, what if da stone breaks and Larry hurts his legs?”

“It won’t break! You wanker!” The king exclaimed cocky-like as the nearby knights giggled at his insult like school children would. “The stones found in Shoeland are the strongest stones known to man and creature! Sir Donovan said that he couldn’t even break the big one outside with his sword. And his sword is good.”

“I guess you’re right.” Huey said. “Da stones in Shoeland are stwong.”

“Of course I’m right, you moron! Now go get them before the morning grows dark and I’ve brushed my teeth for bed!” The king yelled as he approached his throne to sit back down.

Huey marched his way downstairs to the dungeon where the two men have been dorming all weekend. When he arrived, the two were pleasantly surprised to see him.  

“Hey, Huey!” Larry yelled joyfully as he approached the dark, damp dungeon. “What’s going on, man?”

Huey fell against the wall with his shoulder, like a cool teenager would. He sighed hardly while he hanged his head low.

“Nutting… da king is being total jerk dis year!” He said.

“Why? What’s he doing?” asked Seymour.

Huey kicked a rock real annoyed-like. “Well first off, dis morning, he told me I look like I need to take shower and dat I smell bad.”

Seymour stomped his foot out of anger. “What? Dude! That’s totally not okay.” He followed viciously.

“Yeah.” Larry said quickly. “He should’ve at least implied that you smelt bad before he asked you to take a shower. You should be the one making that conscious decision on whether or not you need to shower! You are your own individual person, you can do what you want on your own! You don’t need him always bossing you around, okay? If you don’t want to shower, you don’t have to shower.”

“Tell me about it.” He muttered softly.

“But you should really try to shower, though.” Seymour kindly insisted.

“Yeah.” Larry added.

“You really dink I smell dat bad?” Huey asked quietly and embarrassingly.

“Yeah, dude. I’ve been holding my breath this entire time.” Larry said trying not to take a breath. “Actually, you really gotta do something because now I can totally see where’s he’s coming from and the smell is literally burning my eyes and nose. You freakin’ reek, Huey. You need to shower as soon as possible.”  

“Okay.” he said proudly. “ I will try to shower den. I will smell good for once!

            The three all began cheering and dancing to a tune Huey began to play on his flute, which was made from clay. However, due to the fact the flute was made of clay, no sound could be produced by the flue. So naturally, the three quickly stopped dancing.

“Okay, well. What else did he do to make you mad?” asked Seymour while getting more and more adrenaline.

“Den, he make me drink paint!” He said fiercely.

“Ewwww!” cried Seymour like a middle school girl.

“What? He makes you drink paint?” asked Larry disgustedly. “That’s gross and probably not good for you health!”  

“Yeah. He do it all da time and I hate it. And he know I hate it, he just do it to be funny!”

“And what else did he do!” asked Seymour curiously.

Right as Huey began to speak, the king yelled “Oh my swamp!” from the dining room that cut off Huey’s thought. The intenseness and echo of his voice made the three men quickly jump, and wonder what is wrong.

“Okay, enough chit chat. We need to go see da king.” Huey told them as he unlocked the dungeon gate.

“What for?” Asked Larry annoyed-like.

“We have to see when you will die.” He then swung the door open. “Come on, let’s go.” He said dramatically.

The two agreed to go, and proceeded to follow Huey until they reached the king.

            Once they arrived, the king was sitting on his throne intensely reading the letter from King Hoot. The knights and jesters watched intensely while the king read in silence.

“What’s that?” Larry whispered to Huey, not very quietly.

“Dat is a letter from King Hoot, King Oxton’s rival.” Huey whispered back even louder than Larry.

The king dropped the note out of both his hands in shock after what he had just read. Unfortunately, since the ground was made from stones that came from Shoeland, there were so many breaks in them, that the note fell right in between a crack that human fingers couldn’t enter. The note was destroyed forever, thanks to the crappy stones of Shoeland. The king slumped down in his seat, while depressing emotions covered him like a quilt. After a couple seconds of silence, he spoke defeated-like.

“I need a juice, Huey. Make it apple. If it’s anything else, I’ll still want apple.”

Huey dashed out of the room disappearing around a sharp corner, leaving the room filled with three knights, the two men, two jesters, and the king.

Sir Frederick, the bravest and most loyal knight of Shoeland, approached the king on his throne. “I must know what the note said, my lord. You’re scaring me and it’s making me have to pee and Sir Charles is in the outhouse now and all our buckets have holes in them so tell me if it is an official surrender or not!?” he screamed hysterically while his bladder was ready to blow.

          “The note was not an ending to our war.” The king said as he sat upright in his seat. He then noticed a butterfly fly by one of the nearby windows. “What a beautiful day outside. Does anyone want to play a game of basketball? Or badmitten?”

“Oh, Christ!” yelled Seymour angry-like. The king and his company quickly focused on the two men standing off to the side waiting patiently to be sentenced to death. “What do you mean it wasn’t a surrender? What was it then? Tell us!”

“Yeah, you’re killing us!” Larry added hastily.

The king stared at the two only to gain a smile on his face. He stood up and threw his hands in the air out of joy.

“That’s it! That’s it!” he yelled hopefully as he ran down towards the men. “You two! You two will do it, won’t ya!?”

While Seymour stood frozen-like, Larry sighed. “Fine. I’ll do it. But I’m not gonna like it.”

Seymour slapped the back of Larry’s head almost knocking his teeth right out of his head. “You don’t even know what he’s asking for! What if it’s to have us killed!”

“I said I’m not gonna like it!” Larry said back as he laughed at Seymour’s stupidity. “I wouldn’t do it if I liked it. Duh.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Seymour said back. “Why wouldn’t you do it if you like it?”

“Well, you see…” Larry said while turning to Seymour. “There’s a little thing called “reverse psychology.” And that’s when-”

The king grabbed the two men by the shoulders and pulled them close to him cutting off their debate.

“You guys like walking. Don’t ya? That’s the whole reason your here. Is because you were walking so you must enjoy it?” he said beggingly.

“Well, I’m not much of a walker. I’d much rather run.” said Seymour.

“Yeah, and you should see Seymour run! A couple weekends ago, he outran a chicken that was chasing us!” Larry said trying to impress the king.

“Yeah!” Seymour added. “I outran it but Larry didn’t. It bit Larry in his eye and we had to go see a doctor.”

“Yeah!” yelled Larry. “And get this. All the doctor did was put some dirt on my head, and then he took a stick and shoved it up my-”

“Nevermind that!” yelled the king. “I need you two for a big favor.”

“What kind of favor?” Larry asked curiously.

“A… fun favor.” the king responded joyfully trying to convince the two to accept his favor. “You two will go to Bootland and get something for me.”

The two began thinking. They turned around and began whispering to each other so the king couldn’t hear what they were saying. After a couple of seconds, the two turned back around towards the king proud-like.

“We’ll do it… but what’s in it for us?” they both asked.

The king thought hardly. He scratched his head as he walked over to Sir Frederick. Those two then turned around and began whispering to each other just as Larry and Seymour did. After a minute or two, the king turned back around and approached them.

“You won’t die.” he stated roughly.

Seymour and Larry turned around once again, whispering and discussing the agreement. They swiftly turned back to the king.

“How about we make a deal. We don’t die, and we get your castle.”

“Deal!” The king yelled excitedly as he shook their hands. “Did you hear that guys!?” He yelled to the nearby knights. “They said they’ll do it!”

“My lord!” Sir Frederick yelled as he approached the king. “You cannot give your castle to these two dipsticks! These two are not noble enough to carry a quest like that by themselves. A journey to Bootland would take a week! Plus the terrain is not for two weak imbeciles. You need someone who’s strong, and someone who’s brave. Let me do it.” He kneeled in front of the king. “I will go to Bootland and get… wait a minute.” he stopped talking swiftly and stood up. “What am I getting at Bootland?”

“The journey is to acquire Jesus’s personal scrapbook. It is a treat from King Hoot. He offered to give me this scrapbook instead of surrendering.” he said sinisterly. “This does mean the war will live on. But I’ve wanted this book full of memories and birthday parties for a long, long time now.”

“My lord with all due respect Jesus wasn’t even real.” Sir Frederick said. “You’re killing thousands of lives not ending this war. You must be mad!”

The king looked around crazy-like. “Where is Huey with my juice?”

Everyone looked around for Huey, but he could not be found.

“Huey!!” he yelled. “Where is my drink!?”

Huey came walking in slowly while crying like a baby with a glass full of juice in his hand. “I forget which juice you asked for so I got confused and play the eenie, meenie, miney, moe game you show me earlier and I still dought I was wong so I tried reading da juices but I can’t read, so -”

“Well, what juice did you get?!” exclaimed the the King.

“I don’t know.” said Huey, still crying.

He handed the glass of orange juice to the king and he took large sip. He swirled the juice around in his mouth, but then spit it out onto Huey’s hair.

“I said apple juice, you twit!” He then fired the glass against the wall making it splash everywhere. “You’re going with these two! I can’t stand your clumsiness and stupidity anymore! You’re driving me nuts! Like my mother in law.”

“Sir.” Sir Frederick said annoyed-like. “You cannot add another idiot to these two and expect them to return unharmed! These three would trade the scrapbook for the first set of magic beans they could find!”

“Then you’re going with them. Okay?” the king said to Sir Frederick with agony. “The four of you will go to Bootland and get my scrapbook. And when you arrive, tell King Hoot I said I pity his decision.” He looked back out the window. “Yet, I respect it… oh, look it.” He pointed towards a butterfly. “That one is sweet.”

So the next morning, Seymour, Larry, and Huey all began preparing for their quest by singing songs and playing games that involve physical contact, such as “tag” and “red light, green light.” Sir Frederick, however, gathered weapons, food, water, and clothes for the long journey ahead of them; however, due to the kings horrible gambling problem, the men had no horses because all the king's horses were traded away. So the four began the journey on foot, heading for the dangerous and infamous, “Diddle Mountains.” They arrived however in approximately nine minutes, as the “Diddle Mountains” were just on the end of the border.  

Upon their arrival, they met their first encounter, a wise wizard named Gaylord The Wizard. He sat on a rock and had a long stick he used for kung fu. He called the stick, “Tim.”

“Good morning, young and diverse travelers. I am Gaylord The Wizard. My friends, however, call me The Gay Wizard for short. And as I consider everyone my friend, you four may call me that!”

“Thank you, Gay Wizard. Thank you for accepting us as friends.” Sir Frederick said.  

“Now. Where have you drawn from?” Gaylord asked curiously.

“We come from Shoeland. Tis I, Sir Frederick. Alongside Huey Longsocks, Seymour Muggins, and Larry TurdBurger; all descents of Shoeland.”

“I see…” he stopped his thoughts and stared at the three dunches that stood behind Sir Frederick. “Which one of you fine young men is the TurdBurger?”

Larry stepped forward. “I am, sir. I’m the TurdBurger.” he said honorably.

Gaylord scoffed, as if he got scared. “Do you have any relatives named Mary TurdBurger?” he asked almost anxiously.

Larry laughed as if they were buddies. “Yeah. That’s my mom.”

“Your mother!?” he exclaimed while sitting up straight on his rock. He then chuckled nervously, and began to sweat. “Can I ask you a question, young lad?”

“Sure.” Larry said carelessly.

“How old are you? And do you have a father?” he asked looking nervous towards the answer.

“I’m twenty-four.” he said. “And my mom said that my dad had to go to the market or something like that and never came back. So it’s just me and my mom. Well, not anymore. I’m heading to Bootland with these guys.”

“Oh god…” Gaylord said as his knees became weak making him fall a little off his rock. “You even look like me…” he muttered to himself. “Um. Larry. Did your mother ever tell you what your father looked like? Or do you have any vivid memories of him?”

“She always said something about his face. He paused while thinking hardly. “I can’t remember what though.”

Gaylord sighed a sigh of relief.

“Ohhh, I know!” Larry yelled. “She always said he had a long white beard like a wizard would have. And always carried around a stick named, “Tim.” And that he use to try and cast spells on people when they weren’t looking!”

“Wow. What a d!” Seymour said disgusted-like.

“Oh dear.” Gaylord said while stroking his long white beard.

Suddenly, Seymour caught onto something.  

“Hey… wait a minute. I just thought of something.” Seymour said.  “Okay. So your mom said your dad had a white long beard, right?”

“Yeah.” Larry said innocently.

“Okay. Think about this. What kind of people have long white beards?” asked Seymour.

“Farmers!” Larry said excitedly.

“Other than farmers?” Seymour asked.

“Kings? Townsfolk? Your dad!” Larry said intensely. “Your dad has a long white beard! Or maybe a priest? I don’t know…. how many guesses do I get, Seymour?”

“None, just let me talk. But, my dad does have a white beard. And you know who else have white beards? Wizards do!” Seymour yelled back as he grabbed Larry’s shoulders trying to shake some sense into him. “Wizards have long white beards. And you know what else they have?”

“Potions?” asked Larry curiously.

“No. They have sticks! Sticks they walk around with that have powers!” Seymour preached.

“Yeah.” stated Larry as he got frustrated towards the idea of not having a wizard father. “They have sticks just the The Gay Wizard has. His is even marked “Tim,” just like the one my mom said my dad had.”

“Yes.” Seymour said happily. “So can’t you see what this means?”

Larry paused for a little, thinking what this could mean. After a few seconds, he got it.

“Yeah. It means your dad is a wizard!” he said excitedly about the news.

“Yeah!!” Seymour yelled back with joy.

The two began hi fiving and hugging about the news. Huey joined in the fun, hugging and congratulating the both of them on the news they’ve discovered. After a minute, they stopped and got serious.

“Sorry that you don’t have a wizard dad, Larry.” Seymour said sincerely.

“I don’t even have a dad. Let alone a wizard dad.” Larry said calmly.

“Don’t worry.” Seymour placed his hand on Larry’s shoulder for comfort. “If we ever see that chump walking around our town, he’s getting his!” he said his flexing his almost no muscle.

“Thanks, Seymour.” Larry said.

They each turned back to Sir Frederick sitting on The Gay Wizard’s rock with his legs crossed, patiently waiting for them to finish their conversation. “Oh good.” He said. “You two are done.”

“Where did The Gay Wizard go?” they both asked simultaneously.

“He ran away full sprint after you mentioned his stick named “Tim” being like the same one your father had. But before he did that he tried to cast a spell on you guys.” Sir Frederick said as he stood up from the rock. “Can we please get a move on. This journey should be taken seriously. Not everything is a joke you know. And why haven’t either of you three started -”

Suddenly, Sir Frederick’s fell to the ground and blacked out due to a rock thrown at his head, courtesy of Huey. The two turned to him swiftly.

“What was that for?” asked Larry.

“You killed Sir Frinklepuss, or whatever his name was!” said Seymour.

“He talk to much!” said Huey fiercely. “I like silence on my twips. Not yelling! I don’t want to be hassled da whole way! You two know! It ruins da fun! Back in Asia, we have lots of fun playing silent game. And when we weren’t playing da silent game, we were working in da pea fields. We each had to pick five buckets of peas dat can only be picked at night because of da beast dat comes out in the day dat eats dem. So after we pick all five buckets, all twenty-nine of my brudders and sisters, we den would have to quick run inside to get cloth to wash dem all off before dey could be eaten. When you ran across da field da flowers felt like frogs on your feet. Da feeling was so nice it always made us laugh.” he said as he thought back on the good times he had. “We’d roll around on da ground and laugh for hours until Momma Kuocha would come outside. Den we be in trouble because we were laughing. Momma Kuocha hates laughter, just like da King! I hate da king so much sometimes. Momma Kuocha would at least give me life lessons like don’t play the flute when she gardens, or when she tell me stop dwinking da pond water.”  

As Huey was talking about nonsense, Larry and Seymour were throwing some water on Sir Frederick’s face that woke him.

“Christ, Huey!” He yelled. “What was that for?”

“You talk too much.” Huey said once again.

Sir Frederick stood up quickly, with a hint of anger in his movements. “Why don’t you three just go home. I will finish this quest on my own! I don’t need you guys messing-”

Suddenly, Seymour’s cry ended Sir Frederick’s speech as he belched, “RUN!!”

From the “Kinkly Forest” that was nearby and their next destination, rode a black knight, fiercely. He approached the four. He stopped once he met them and looked them up and down.

“Who are you and where do you come from!” He yelled as he pulled out a long sword he called “Richard”. “This is my land! What right do you four possess that grants you passage through my forest.  Also, this is my sword, Richard! Now before you get any thoughts, Richard is taken. He is mine. So don’t get any ideas. Especially you, .”  

“I won’t.” Huey said innocently.

“We are four travelers from Shoeland.” Sir Frederick said. “We are on a quest to Bootland to pick up a gift for our lord.”

“Well, you’re a long way from Bootland.” The knight said with a hint of sarcasm. “What makes you think you can enter through my forest?”

“Hey. Buzz off, man.” Seymour said.

The knight gazed at Seymour shockingly. He got off his horse and stood looking at the four.

“Okay, wise guy. You want to enter my forest? Fight me for it!” The black knight shouted as he pulled out Richard and turned his stance into a fighting stance. He directly began to wave his sword towards Sir Frederick, clearly the most skilled fighter out of the four. Sir Frederick, being one of the greatest fighters ever to come out of Shoeland, took the challenge no problem. He took out his sword and immediately cut off the black knights head without a problem. The three began gagging and throwing up while the black knights body laid on the ground, headless.

“That was easy.” Sir Frederick said surprised like.

“What da hell was he talking bout? What forest?” Asked Huey curiously.

“That one.” The black knights head responded as it laid separated from his body. However, when the black knight finished speaking, it scared Larry and he punted the black knights head, out of fear, about forty yards away from them.

“Great job, Larry!” Seymour yelled with excitement while watching the head fly through the air. “Have you been working out your legs recently?”

“Absolutely.” Larry said while showing the three examples of the squats he does every morning.

As all this was happening, a crocodile named “Peaches” was on her way out of the forest to go find dinner. The squats Larry was doing grabbed her curiosity and she approached the four. Unfortunately, since she is a ruthless animal, she immediately ate all four, leaving behind no trail of their existence. Peaches slowly walked her way over to the black knights body, and demolished that as well.

(Epilogue)

No one knows if King Oxton ever got his scrapbook, and no one knows if the war lived on. All we know is Larry, Seymour, Huey, and Sir Frederick did a horrible job receiving the sacred scrapbook of Jesus Christ.