February 14, 2011








Akron, Ohio

Its been seven months since I almost died. It was the turning point of my life. Nothing has been the same since. Instead of me dying, it seems that everyone around me is. My mom died from a heart attack three months ago. My best friend died in a car crash along with her father just last month. And now, my cousin in Mississippi is in the hospital dying of breast cancer.

The day I almost died was a curse on the ones I love. Will it ever end? Will anyone ever be safe? My older brother, Tom, came back home (from his house in California) with his new wife to take care of me. Now that our mother has died-since our father left when we were little-there is no one to look after me. Not that I need to be looked after. But, of course, after our mother’s death, my brother needs to make sure nothing happens to me.
If only he knew that I, Charlotte Gwen (that’s my name), almost died not too long ago. But, that would only make it worse, so no one tell him. Samuel, my best friend and one true love, has been watching my every move ever since.

He won’t leave me side. Although, I do like to know that I’m safe with him. I don’t want him to ever leave my side, of course, metaphorically though. Literally, it can be irritating. He does it because he loves me and I appreciate that he doesn’t want to lose me, but I don’t need anyone to watch over me. Honestly, I think they need to be watched since everyone I love is dying around me. If I lost Samuel, I would never recover. I would put a gun to my head rather than live without him. But, that’s anther story I will tell another time.

Now its one week until Valentine’s Day and I’m not at all excited this year. Usually I love V-Day, but after what happened in July, nothing could ever make me as happy. Samuel says he has a surprise for me to get my mind off of everything, but there’s nothing in this world that could get my mind off of the worst seven months of my life.
It was about 12:45 (lunch time in school), a February Tuesday, and really cold outside. Even with the sun out, shining bright enough to make you go blind, there was still white, glistening snow on the ground and it was windy. Still cold enough to see your breathe. Samuel was cuddled up to me so tightly before school began because we were so cold. I’m just glad I had him right beside me to keep warm.

“Babe? You need to stop thinking about all of this. That is why I have a surprise for you on Thursday,” Samuel told me as I rolled me eyes and took a bite out of my sandwich. He sighed. He knew what I was thinking. Sometimes it creep me out or annoyed me. Otherwise, I kind of liked it.

“I know you try to get my mind off of it,” I said looking intently into his eyes. “But, what if I don’t want to get my mind off of it?” He looked back into my eyes with love and passion.
“You don’t get everything you want. Its better if you don’t think about it too much though. I don’t like to see you bothered by it.” He smiled a little and I couldn’t help but smile, too. Then, he switched the subject all together.

“You should be excited for Valentine’s Day. You have been ever since you were six. Always hoping to find your ‘Prince Charming’.”

There was a little tease in his voice. Of course he had to bring up something from when I was little and idiotic.

“Ya, well you can change a lot in ten years. Besides, after finding ‘my Prince’, I learned its not at all what I dreamed it would be.”

He gave me a look that said Oh, thanks. Love you, too. Getting that look made me smile. Then, I realized that he made me forget about the horrible things in life. Just like he always does. I knew it would piss him off if I thought about everything again, so I did.

He looked at me and I could see him frown in the corner of my eye. That made me smile mentally.

“You need to stop thinking about it I can tell it hurts you.” He stared at me for me to say something, but I didn’t. “Stop thinking about it.” Samuel only tells me to do something when he knows what’s good for me. When I’m being stubborn and I don’t do something I know I should do, he always uses a sweet, soft tone and I know that I need to listen to him.

When he uses that tone, I know I can’t win against him, so I listen and do what he says. He knows me better than anyone, and sometimes he knows what I should do when it comes to something important. Like the time I was sick and we both knew I had to go to the hospital, but I was being stubborn and wouldn’t go. When he had that voice come out, I listened and went to the hospital.

So I turned to him and started talking seriously. “I can’t stop thinking about something that ruined my life and everyone else’s around me. I can’t stop thinking about the time I almost died. Its hard to stop thinking about the day your life turned around.” I could have kept going, but that was just enough for him to stop trying to get my mind off of it. I looked at him and saw…protection. That look sent chills down my spine. But, it also gave me love. That made me feel better.

“I know. I haven’t stop thinking about it either. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, but there’s a difference between thinking about it and letting it get to you. Ever since then, you’ve changed. You haven’t been so alive as you used to be. Now…you don’t talk to anyone and don’t do anything.” He trailed off a little, not knowing how to put the rest. That’s how well I know him.

I understood what he meant, but I almost died only a few months ago. What else would I be, especially when everyone I care about is suffering? True, usually people live their lives to the fullest when they have near-death experiences, but mine made me realized that I could die any moment, whether I wanted to or not. I used to think that people chose their own destiny’s, but my beliefs changed when I didn’t choose to lay on the ground, dying. If I did all I could and wanted to do and still not end up being who I wanted, then what’s the point?

Before July, I was popular and kind and I stood up for anything and everyone I believed in. I was outgoing. Now…I’m the total opposite. Why live life to the fullest when my life has been cursed and the people I love are getting the worst of it?

“Okay. I won’t let it get to me so much. But, I will never ever stop thinking about it.”

He nodded slightly and as the bell rang, Samuel kissed my forehead and stood up. “I’ll see you eighth period,” he said as he walked away in the other direction.

This was not the best time to be in school. A million things ran through my head. I was thinking of almost every possible thing wrong in my life (going as far back as when my father left us). I just wanted to be home in Samuel’s arms, talking about nothing. Just being safe and out of my mind. Just being me. What I wanted to do the most was be at home sitting right beside Samuel as he strokes my star blonde hair and tells me that everything will be alright. That it is alright. I couldn’t focus at all in class.

My friend Erika (who I talk to more, now that my best friend is dead) kept trying to get me to stop dozing off. But, the truth is no one could get me to focus. I knew I would have a lot of homework since I was not paying attention in class.

“Charlotte?!” I quickly turned my head to where the voice was coming from. S***! It was my teacher. I didn’t want to deal with her, but I had no choice.

Her dark brown hair and her hazel, narrowed eyes. Her hands on her curved hips. Her nice blue, silk jacket hanging over her cotton, black, summer top. Her multicolored, long skirt covering her legs. Her earrings were plain red studs and her shoes were just brown flats.

“Yes, Mrs. Jones?” Her voice was serious and annoyed (first time I’ve ever heard it like that, addressed to me).

“You haven’t been paying attention,” she said while walking up to my desk. I could tell she was angry (or was it annoyed) just by the tone of her voice. Her arms crossed over her chest and that confirmed it for me. Her eyes grew narrower and her cheeks got more red. I was actually starting to enjoy this a little. The first time in my life, I was happy to be making a teacher/adult mad and wanted to keep going. Who am I? What have I become? “I have no choice but to write you up and call your pare…brother,” she continued.

And of course, she had to remind me that I have no parents. She gave me a look that said ‘I’m disappointed in you, and you need to pay attention.’ But in that look, I could also tell that she was annoyed at how many times she’s called my name. Of course, she went easy on me…again…because this is the first year I’ve acted out. And, again, its because I don’t care.

I gave a sympathetic nod which was a total lie. I wasn’t sympathetic toward hardly anything these days. Everyday is living hell for me. Ever since July that is. Honestly, before July I thought I lived in heaven. My life was so awesome. I loved it. Now it feels like hell. My life changed in the blink of an eye. Going from heaven to hell in one day. Could you ever imagine that?

Not having ups and downs day after day. But, having your life feeling like nothing could ever be wrong, to feeling like you don’t care and all because of ONE thing? It sucks. I can tell you that. You feel like you can never be safe again. Like, nothing will ever be alright and after a while, you‘re so used to it that you don't care about anything anymore. Sure you still love and care for those around you. But, everything else is like ‘Eh.’

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” She gave me a nod and had a look that said ‘Okay.’ I could tell she didn’t fully believe me though. I wouldn’t either. The rest of the day was a big blur. I remember talking to Samuel and some teachers, but that’s about it. So, when the final bell rang, I was up and out of the class faster than…whatever the fastest animal on Earth is. I think it’s a jaguar. No, cheetah. That’s it. Cheetah.

I didn’t even wait for Samuel like I usually do. Usually I am the last one out of the classroom and/or to get to the lobby. Instead, he found me in the lobby. I wanted to get out of that hell hole as soon as I could. I didn’t want to stay another minute. I wasn’t going to take my time today.

“Wow. Never seen you move that fast before. Have somewhere important to be?” I knew he was teasing by the look on his face and the tone of his voice. He smile widely with a gleam in his eye that warmed my heart, but I didn’t smile back.

“Ya. Its called a home,” I said seriously, “Ever heard of one?” He nodded as his smile faded. He came closer to me. So close, I could feel his warm, comfortable breath on my face. At first I thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t.

“I know you feel like nothing matters anymore, but you know that’s not true. Erika told me you weren’t concentrating in class.” He explained it like I asked a question. I guess he saw the question in my eyes, yet I didn’t because I wasn’t even thinking about a question. But, he knows me better, so… Samuel stroked some pieces of my hair out of my face and looked deep into my eyes. I couldn’t help but stand there, staring into those gorgeous eyes of his.

“Everyone is dying around me. That matters. And you.” He smiled and nodded. Then, he finally kissed my cheek. He gave me a long, soft hug that gave me everything. It was perfect and comforting. I never wanted him to leave my side. When we finally split apart I felt alone. My body was cold and I craved for him to hug me again. We went straight to my house.

My brother was waiting for me in the living room. As soon as I saw the glare n his face and how his eyes were narrowed at me, I could tell he was irritated by me. What did I do this time? Does he always have to make my life worse?

“You are sixteen years old,” were the first words out of his dip-s*** of a mouth, “you’re old enough to do chores around this house without being asked.” He crossed his arms and gave me a look that said ‘What do you have to say for yourself?’ I rolled my eyes and walked away into the kitchen to our left.

Of course, both Tom and Samuel knew what I mean, ‘I don’t care.' They both followed me to the kitchen where I was getting stuff out to make a sandwich. Tom started lecturing me about responsibility and about being sixteen. Stuff like, ‘I was sixteen too,’ and ‘You may want to do whatever the hell you want, but that’s not going to happen.’ He went on for about twenty minutes. I was mostly blocking out all of it. I did come back to hear the sympathetic part of the lecture. Tom (whom has a good five inches on me) walks up to me and looks down on me. His dark brown hair looking perfectly combed-probably because he does comb it-and his brown eyes looking into mine. I looked away to not see what his eyes tell me.

“Char…I know you’re having a hard time. Especially the last few months. But, we need to move on the best we can. Nothing can change what’s happened.” He paused, half trying to find the words. Half waiting to see my reaction. I didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything so I put my hand on my thigh. “I think it would be best if you try to get past this. All of it.”

‘All of it’? What did he mean by that? Why so much emphasize on the ‘all’? Does he know? Did someone tell him what happened in July? You didn’t tell him did you? Because I said not to. I started to freak out, but I didn’t show it. At least, I thought I didn’t. Tom, then, pulled me in for a hug. Creepy! When he pushed away and left, Samuel put a hand on my shoulder. I knew what that gesture meant. ‘Are you okay?’ I nodded and turned around and gave him a hug. Just as forceful (but comforting) he hugged me back.

“He’s right, babe.” He didn’t push on like he usually does, and I loved him for that. My reply:____ Nothing. I didn’t say anything. I just stood there in his arms. Where I’m meant to be. That night, Samuel and I were cuddled on the couch watching a movie. It was a horror movie called ‘Nightmare in the Woods’.

I kept jumping out of my skin and Samuel would always pull me closer and hold me tighter. He would always whisper ‘You’re fine. I’m right here’ in my ear and it would make me loosen up and feel more safe. We finished two bags of popcorn about an hour into the movie and didn’t have any left (I love popcorn). When the movie was over it was about 6:45.

Perfect time for another movie. The best part: Tom was out working! As I sat up to put in another movie, Samuel grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. “I like it when you’re full of life,” he said straightly, but there was something in his eyes.

“You’re much more fun at home, than anywhere else.” He was being serious. I knew by the look in his eyes.

“I only feel safe with you. Not when there are so many psycho people around. I don’t have to hide my thoughts or feelings at home.” I was about to go on, but I stopped. I looked down at the space between us which wasn’t much. He picked up my chin and looked deep into my eyes.

“Why are you so different now? You don’t share your feelings like you used to. You keep everything locked inside. You’re not open anymore. What happened?”

I didn’t say anything for a moment; hesitating. He knew that I wasn’t going to answer, so he went on.

“There are always ups and downs. Lessons to learn. Mistakes made. You were just one of those people who got them all at once.”

I still didn’t say anything, so he smiled and kissed my forehead ever so softly.
It hardly felt like there was anything there. But, I knew he was there. I know he’ll always have my back. I can always count on him. And I knew that is what he meant by the kiss. He was comforting me, like he always does. That’s all I can ask of him right now. That is all I ever wanted.

And I love him because he knew that. He always knows me. That is one of the most important reasons why I truly love him. He knows me better than anything else. We fell asleep about 11:20 that night. Well, Samuel did anyway. I didn’t get to sleep until I had 45 minutes to get up. I couldn’t sleep because of all of the things reeling in my brain.

Even though I was so comfortable and safe in Samuel’s arms, I couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong. Everything was wrong. There was this strong feeling deep in my gut that I couldn’t shake. Hopefully it will be gone by tomorrow. I still lay there going through 50 thoughts in 1 minute. I can tell you this; that is not a good feeling. I don’t think its good for you either (emotionally, I mean).

With a million things on my mind, I didn’t want to even think about school. My luck sucks though because starting in ninth grade, all your class grades matter and count toward college. I don’t understand why I need to have good grades. I’ll probably die before I could even live on my own. I mean I almost died in July. Hello! But Samuel still wants me to do my best. He says he doesn’t want to see me fail

Doesn’t he know I already failed in life? Of course he does. He knows everything about me. He just wants me to turn it around. See how well I know him? I woke up around 6:50 in the morning to the sound of Samuel waking me up. He was getting dressed for school and I couldn’t help but look at that perfect body. His muscles showing through his tight shirt. His amazing abs that I’ve touched a thousand times from laying with him.

“C’mon, baby. You got to get up.” He had a big smile and it made me feel so safe when he stroked my shoulder. I just wanted to lay there, with him whispering to me that everything is perfect. But my fantasy life is never there for me. Always disappearing when I need it the most.

I got up and got dressed a quickly as I could while daydreaming the whole time. Half way through getting dressed I had to ask (even though it was a long shot).

“Sam…” Before I could go any further, Samuel interrupted me which got us into a different conversation.

“Uh, oh. What’s up babe?” I puzzled his response for a moment. ‘Uh, oh’? What was that suppose to mean? I didn’t do anything.

“What uh, oh? What’s wrong?” I could tell he was trying to give me some privacy of getting ready as we talked (looking toward the door every few minutes).

“I know you, Char. Every time you call me Sam, you always want something or want me to do something.” I stayed silent for a minute or two, thinking about what he said.

But, he went on, “And by the sound of your voice, you want something.” Thankfully, I was fully dressed when he came to the door of the bathroom. It wouldn’t matter much since he has seen me getting dressed before. He gave me a huge grin. I thought for another moment and realized he was dead right. I smiled at the thought of him knowing me so well, that I quit brushing my hair for a second.

And the next thing I knew, Samuel was behind me, hugging me so tight with his hands wrapped around my waist. I put the brush to the sink side absent-mindlessly and smiled bigger than I thought I could smile. He whispered softly in my ear, “So, what’s up?” I sighed and hesitated for a minute.

“Can I stay home today? You’re right. I just don’t want to do anything today. I don’t want to be bothered…well, except for you.” He kissed my cheek and let go of me.

“Sorry, but if you want your surprise tomorrow, you have to go today.” We went downstairs and into the kitchen where we made breakfast: toast and cereal.

“Who said I wanted the surprise?” He smiled his light, soft smile that made me have butterflies in my stomach.

“I did. You need it. After everything that’s happened, it would be good for you to do something and focus on it.”

The last few words made me worry. What was he planning? Will I like it, or spas out? I don’t know how long I was out of it, but I came to when Samuel said, “You have to go to school today so you can get the surprise.” He smiled again as he handed me some toast.

“Wait. What does going to school have to do with my surprise?” He didn’t say anything for a while and I thought he didn’t hear me. But he replied, “We won’t be in school at all for it.”

That was the end of our discussion. He would only tell me that I would have to ‘wait and see’. This, as you can see, made me nervous (and a little anxious). Samuel knows surprises make my stomach turn. When he keeps talking about something I don’t know, my head spins out of control and I go crazy. I hate not knowing things people know about. Especially when it comes to Samuel.

The ride to school was oddly quiet. No matter what goes on between us we can still talk to each other. Usually because he can always distract me so we talk about something else entirely. But the whole ride was silence. I was wondering if he was okay, but I didn’t say anything. I was lost deeply in my thoughts. After a few minutes in my own world, I realized that we were parked on the side of the road about…a fourth a mile from school.

I looked up at Samuel with a question on my face. But, he wouldn’t know because he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes still faced forward on the traffic in front of us. I touched his shoulder slightly, but he quickly shrugged it away. What the hell is wrong with him? “Sam? Babe, is everything alright?” My voice was soft and hesitant, exactly how I wanted it to be. His voice on the other hand was exactly how I didn’t want it to be; quiet. Half of me wanted to be angry and jump out of the car to walk the rest of the way. The other half wanted to be a nice girlfriend and bother him until he would talk. The nice side of me won that.

“C’mon Sam. Honey, let’s talk.” He turned his head to me slowly, but he didn’t smile. I could see in his eyes trouble and confusion. Was he sharing everything with me? Was he telling me all he felt and thought? Or is he holding back on me? Keeping things from me? Again, I was back in my thoughts too deep. I came back when Samuel finally spoke,

“Would you care if I died? How would you react? Do you want me here?” That answered my questions. So he was holding back on me? But, why? What for? He should know that he can always trust me. He doesn’t have to keep things from me. And what was with the questions? Of course I want him here. I love him more than anything.

Why was he asking me this? “Of course I want you here. I love you with all my heart. If you died, I would most likely kill myself than be without you.” He gave me a half smile, but it didn’t fool me. It was fake. I knew he didn’t fully believe what I said. But, I didn’t know why. Why wouldn’t he believe me? Does he truly think I don’t love him? Does he believe that I wouldn’t give a s*** if he dies?

We arrived at school much less to me being pissed off and in my own thoughts, my own world. And, as soon as first period started, I went to auto mode. Not like I usually am everyday. No, auto mode is when I do everything without knowing because I’m in my own mind. The only time I would come out of my thoughts and pay attention was when Erika tapped me to help me out, or when I was with Samuel. We have four classes together and lunch, so I get to see him half of the day.

In class, we put the conversation we had earlier away. It was like everything was back to normal, but we both had thoughts of our own that we could not shake and just couldn’t share. I could tell that he had a lot on his mind by the way his eyes moved around a lot. I still liked him there beside me. I love him being beside me all the time. The way he pulls me in when we are already sitting so close together. I could never get enough of Samuel. I thought I lost him in July. And because of that I don’t like to be away from him.

Especially like this; not talking to each other about what’s going on. It scares me to think that I could lose him in so many different ways. If he dies, I die. And I know it goes the same for him. But, lately it doesn’t seem like he would do the same. Just this morning he didn’t think I loved him enough. Is he having second thoughts about us? Why is he acting this way? Why won’t he tell me anything?

Sam is really making me confused and upset. Because of this, I’m getting angry that he is doing this to me. He’s never done this before, not even when we were friends. We have been best friends since we were six and he has never even been close to doing any of this.

I’ve always felt like I’ve known him my whole life, but its only been ten years. You’re probably wondering why we haven’t been friends forever, right? The reason: I moved here from Colorado when I was six. Do you want to know the story?

Okay… My father had left us two years before (when I was four) and my mother couldn’t keep a job. It was hard for her to care for two children when the father left. She had trouble getting enough money to pay for us. But, after we settled in here; having a fresh start, my mother could take care of us better. It was still hard with no man in the house, but it wasn’t as hard as it would have been. I don’t like to think about what would happen if my mother still couldn’t afford the things we needed.

I blame my father for leaving us and I blame him for leaving mom with a broken heart. She hardly ever talked about him. She would only say that we were perfectly happy without him. I remember sitting on her lap asking why he wasn’t here. She was right. We didn’t need him to be happy. We only needed the love between us.

But, I could see in mom’s eyes everyday that she missed him and wanted him to come home. I could see that she dreamed that one day she would wake up to find him smiling at her in bed. Or that when she opens the front door he’d be standing there. But, he never did come back. No one knew where he was. After a while of giving up our hopes, no one cared.

Living without him for twelve years took its toll. I just wished mom would have known better than to believe that he would come back. It would just make things worse. That is what she didn’t understand. He left for a reason. No one knows that reason, but mom always thought it was because of her. That it was her fault. Sometimes, I could hear her crying in her room, blubbering about how she was sorry.

But, it wasn’t her. It was dad. He was ignorant. I’m glad he’s not here. Mother never trusted guys again. Never dated. She was so heartbroken, she didn’t want anyone else, but dad. The first time she met Samuel, she despised him. Never gave him or his parents a chance. That changed after what I did. Flashback time!

A week or two after school started, my mom picked us up. At the time, I was talking to Sam. I didn’t notice her until she came up to me and said, very angrily to a six-year-old, “C’mon. Let’s go before this boy starts being mean.” She took my wrist and started dragging me, but I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and talk to Samuel. “No, mom? He’s nice. I want to stay a little bit,” I would scream. Soon everyone turned their heads toward us. Before my mom or I knew it, one of the teachers pulled me back out of my mother’s grasp. She turned around with a look on her face that scared the hell out of me that day. I never did hear the conversation between the two. I was too busy crying about Samuel, too busy crying about my mom. The next thing I know was; Samuel was there trying to cheer me up as his parents tried to convince my mother to give their son a chance. “Ma’am, I’ve seen our son with your daughter,” she started, “and she’s a very nice girl. So is our Sam. We raised him well. He would not hurt anyone.” Before Lucy, Samuel’s mom, could go on, my mother interrupted. She blurted, “No daughter of mine will ever acquaint with a boy. They will just grow up to be jerks and hurt her.” I didn’t hear much after that either, as I was talking to Samuel. But, after a while, my mom agreed to let me have a ‘play date’ with Samuel and his parents. But, my mother had to be there also. If she didn’t, I think the teacher would have filed her as child abuse. My mother loved me very much, she gave Samuel a chance.

That turned out well, didn’t it? Now, Samuel and I are a couple, so in love, that we would die without one another. Well, it seemed that way until now, anyway. I wonder what’s going on through his head with all this. Its getting weird and he’s starting to scare me the more I think about it. Alright, its time to put it away. I’ll think about something else instead. But, what?

I can’t take it anymore. I need to talk to Samuel. I need to know why he’s acting this way? So, after school that day, I couldn’t resist the temptation to talk to him. In the lobby, I saw him walking down the staircase. I quickly walked over to him and made him stop almost directly in front of everyone coming down. “What the hell?” His tone was rude. I never have seen him rude before, especially not towards me.

I hated it and was about to snap all hell on him (like he wanted it) but I looked in his eyes before I did anything else. His voice said he was annoyed and angry. But, his eyes. His eyes said that he was scared and lost, like he didn’t know what to do. Then, I realized everyone was screaming at us to get out of the way, so I pulled him over.
“What is going on with you today Sam,” I had said in a sweet, caring, loving voice I rarely use now-a-days. He didn’t say anything for a moment. I kept looking into his eyes as they darted around the room as if something or someone would give him the answer.

“Sam…?” As you know; the only time I call him Sam is when I’m really upset (and that takes a lot now, since July). After a minute or so, he finally caved. He knew he couldn’t win this time. Either I would have kept bothering him until he talked to me. Or I would get pissed and stomp off and wouldn’t speak to him. I could tell he didn’t want either, by the way he sighed.

“I don’t know, Char,” he said softly. I barely heard him over the loud roar of other students. I looked deeper into his eyes, and more intently. He went on, “Everything has been screwed up. I just want things to go back to normal.” The way he said ‘screwed’ made me jump. He definitely put emphasize on it. It made me wonder why. I gave him a gigantic hug to make him feel better. But he hesitated to hug me back, so it made me feel worse. I went on anyway. I would worry about that later. I didn’t let go of him, but I wanted to keep going with our conversation.

“C’mon, babe. What’s wrong?” He pushed me away softly, but knowing that he did just broke my heart. He sighed and hesitated before speaking. Just then, a loud group of kids went by and I couldn’t hear one word Samuel said, but I saw his lips move. Yet, I couldn’t make out what he said. I’m not the best at reading lips. “What,” I asked as the lobby fell quieter. Samuel just shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s get going.” He made his way out the front door and after a minute of just standing there, rethinking what just happened, I quickly followed him.

As soon as we got inside his navy blue convertible, I asked him, “Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? You’ve never kept secrets from me before.” Without saying a word he put his keys in the ignition and started the car.
“Yeah. Well, you didn’t almost die before either,” he said while backing out of the parking lot. I could tell he was trying not to meet my eyes. It would only make him cave into me. He went on,

“Things change, Char. You of all people should know that.” His voice sounded angry and irritated, but I knew it was just a cover up for the hurt inside him. Question is: Why is he hurting? We kept going back and forth in our conversation. It almost seemed like a fight to me, but I didn’t want to believe it. “I know this. Everything changes. Its part of life.

My whole life just had many changes at once. It just took a turn for the worst. And I know you know this.” I couldn’t stop there. I was on a roll. I knew I was going to win this.

“Our relationship is what I didn’t want to change. I hoped that it wouldn’t change. I believed it. We were so close for such a long time. I didn’t think it could have changed at all.” Now I would have kept going, but he interrupted me. Big time! “You said it yourself. ‘Everything changes’. You really believed our relationship wouldn’t? You probably just didn’t want it to change for the worse. You didn’t care if it was a good change. After July, nothing has been the same. Your mother died, Susan died, you almost died yourself. Who knows what’s going to happen. Who even knows if anyone else won’t die?”

He said, practically screaming at this point. It pained me to see him this way. It hurt me to hear him say these things. I stepped in before he could go any further. Anyone could win this one.

“You’re right. No one knows for sure. But, if there’s one thing I learned over the past several months: Its that no one knows what going to happen. Life is a mystery. You have to find out what it means to you. You choose what kind of person you are, but you never know what might happen. There will always be some things in life you don’t expect, or don’t like. You just have to wish for the best.”

Those words were meant for me the most. What I said was also supposed to reassure me. I’ve been thinking way too much. Now that I’ve said it, I know its true. Samuel didn’t say anything after that. I knew the words I had said were sinking in. He was thinking deeply about all this. So, I let him be. For once, I wasn’t bothered by the silence between us. That was our ride home.

I knew that Samuel wanted to think and sort things out. Alone! So, I told him to drop me off at home and we’ll talk more tomorrow. And, by the time he was gone for about a good twenty minutes, I wondered what the effect on the surprise would be. Samuel was so excited for tomorrow, giving me a special surprise to get my mind off of things. But, it wasn’t me who needed it now. After several months, this conversation opened my eyes. It told me that I never truly realized what July meant. It was giving me a lesson. All of this was.

The changes in my life tried to teach me that we don’t necessarily choose when we die. When we’re born and when we die are already set. It’s what we do between them that counts. Whatever else that happens is up to us. You’re parents probably tell you that everything you do affects the people around you. It affects the people that care about you more.

We’ll I can tell you; they’re right. And they might have said that everything happens for a reason. That everything in life teaches you a lesson. Right again. In life, you make mistakes. Many, maybe. That’s how you learn. Everyone learns to be a better person from the mistakes they make. Making mistakes is part of life. See, my mother never told me this. She didn’t learn it herself. She didn’t believe it because all she knew was her heart was broken. Again, I blame my father.

Learn your lessons. Learn from your mistakes. And learn what life is about. It won’t be difficult if you learn your lessons over time before you get older. It sucks having to learn all this at once. Having everyone mistake and lesson come to you in one year. That’s where I went wrong. It took me seven months and many horrible changes to learn that. And I’m sixteen. I’m more than sure that Samuel knows this, but I don’t know why he’s acting the way he is.

I’ll just let him cool off tonight and see where it leads us, tomorrow. Hopefully he’ll be back to normal. Ever since our conversation, I know I’ll be back to the old me. The Charlotte everyone knew before July. Well, a little, anyway. Now, I’m really anxious (and excited) to see what the surprise is. I hope its something to get his mind off of things.

The next day, I didn’t get up at my normal time for school. Samuel said he had a surprise for me and we won’t be going to school at all. Even after our conversation, I just hoped he was okay. I hoped he was still going to give me my surprise. I called him about twelve times and text him probably several times. He never answered. After a while, I gave up on reaching him. What was he doing? I thought he had a surprise for me. Where is he? Why hasn’t he come over yet? I was now really mad at him.

Sure, I’ve been mad at him before, but not like this. I was becoming pissed. Never before did I get pissed at Samuel. My brother and his wife were at work so when I got angry I punched a wall. Half the day I sat in my room, watching romantic movies and chugging down ice cream. All I could do was hope Samuel would finally come and get me.

Come to apologize and give me my surprise. I couldn’t believe how upset and angry Samuel was making me. I’ve never been this bad before. Yeah, I’ve swore and felt upset about a guy. But, this was something different. Finally, I calmed down and I just laid in my bed, thinking. It was probably about 11:30 that morning when Samuel text me back. This is his reply to many, many worried and angry texts. ‘Hey, sry I didn’t txt u. in skl. Turned my phn off.’

And there went my mind. In school? Like nothing happened? Everything is fine? AHH! Wait for it… One, two, “AHHHHH!!” My voice was so high pitched and girly that it scared me for a split second. But, that wasn’t important. Usually Samuel would be at home, thinking if things were this bad. Not at school like nothing was wrong. Especially since its me. And especially since he had a surprise for me and needed to cheer me up.

But, no. He’s being an ass and pissing me all the way to hell. Screw him! Then, a text came in. Half of me wanted to check it, the other wanted to throw my phone against the wall. Reason: I knew it was from Samuel. Then, another text. That puzzled me, but I didn’t care much. You want to know what side won? After a minute of thinking, I grabbed me phone…and opened it.


‘Babe I did some thinking. A lot of thinkin actlly. I wnt the bst 4 u. U r my world. I luv u 2 death. Tats y if I tell u wats goin on I will hurt u and I dnt wnt tat. I wnt u’


It stopped there and I started to get angry again. But then, I remembered there was another text after this. A run on.


‘2 b hpy. I fallen in luv w/ u the day I met u in 2nd grade. I’m sry my luv but I can no longer b w/ u. I will only hurt u. im only doin this 2 save u. I hope u can 4 give me’


I stood still for the next five minutes, thinking all about the text I just got. I realized that I was holding my breath and my heart was racing. I still couldn’t get a grasp on what Samuel had sent me. I read the text another four times before I knew what he meant.

Samuel had just broke up with me. He said he was doing it to save me? From what? That lying, conniving bastard! “Who the f*** does he think he is?! Who the hell is he? I don’t even know who the hell he is anymore.” He has finally pissed me off. No, I am way passed pissed now. I will f*ing kill that asshole. I knew that I had to go to his house and talk to him. I had to find out what the hell he is doing. And why. Why is he acting like such an ass? He is one of the nicest guys I know. Not now, that is. But, I know I have to calm down first.
I don’t know what time it was, but mid evening, Tom dropped me off at Sam’s house. Even though I had no way of getting home (Samuel wouldn’t drive me), I told Tom not to wait. I still couldn’t drive for another ten freaking months. I just hope I can keep my anger and not yell at him. But, I have to find out what the hell he’s doing. He isn’t the Sam I used to know. Screw him, now. I went up to the door and knocked about four times until Lucy (remember she is Samuel’s mother) opened it with surprise.
“Charlotte? Oh, what are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in a while. Come in, come in.” When she says ‘a while’ she means a day or two (which is weird since I’m over everyday). I stepped inside just a little, but didn’t want to go any further. For now. Maybe Lucy might know something about Samuel and how he’s acting. As soon as she closed the door and turned around, there was a confused look on her face. “Oh, honey. Sam’s in his room.” I nodded but didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? How do I ask her about what’s going on?
She still had that look on her soft, curved face. Her nice, warm eyes holding so much emotion. Flipping her dark blonde hair back over her shoulders. She towers over me almost two feet. She’s pretty tall (6”10). While I thought of how to talk to her, I told Lucy, “I wanted to talk to you first.” My voice was low and a little shaky. Why was my voice shaky? I chose my words carefully, not knowing exactly why. She led me into the kitchen and we sat down at the table.
“What’s going on Is there something wrong? You know I think of you as my own daughter. Hopefully, you will be someday.” I shook my head while looking down, saying nothing. Over the years, I’ve learned that Lucy talks a lot in awkward situations., especially when she’s confused.
She stopped and I waited to hear if Jimmy or Samuel knew I was hear. I looked up and saw disappointment in Lucy’s eyes. “Lucy,” I stopped, not knowing what to say next. I went on anyway. Choosing my words, again. I knew I had to get through this conversation and not back down. “Has Samuel been acting strange lately?” I stared fiddling with my fingers to avoid looking at her. She didn’t say anything for a minute, which scared me.
Finally, she said, “What do you mean by ‘strange’ honey?” I didn’t look up. I just couldn’t bare to see her face. That is one thing I have a problem with. Talking to adults openly. Especially when its personal, like boys. It didn’t help that this was Samuel’s mother and not my own. But, she is the closest thing to a mom I have now. She’s been like a mother to me since I was six and she’s the only thing I have left to feel like I have a mom.
I shrugged, buying some time to answer that question and how to keep the conversation going. ”Like, not himself,” I said finally, “The opposite of how he usually is.” I kept talking quietly and carefully, taking my time to say what I need to say. I looked up just a tad. Enough to see Lucy shake her head, “No.” I nodded to show her that I understood.
She put a hand on my shoulder and started rubbing my back. “IS everything okay, Charlotte? Between you and Samuel?” I nodded again. I probably seemed upset to her. Of course I was, but I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want to get her into it too much. Lucy got up out of her seat and gave me a hug. At first, I wondered why, but when she wiped my cheek and I felt something wet, I realized a few tears rolled from my eyes. I wiped them quickly and stood up, knocking the chair down and almost falling over. I helped Lucy set the chair back up, but as she started to talk, I left.

So much for talking to Samuel. I didn’t even get to see him. All I did was make it awkward between Lucy and me. Great… (sarcasm). Now, how do I talk to Samuel? He hardly talked to me yesterday, and I don’t know what to say after my conversation with Lucy. Hopefully, she doesn’t tell Samuel about our conversation. That will just make things worse. I wonder if he hates me. If so, why? Did I do something? Was it something I said? Why won’t he just talk to me?

Standing a block away from Samuel’s house, I thought all about his attitude and actions for the past couple of days. It was yesterday morning when he started acting strange. The ride to school was quite. Strange. We didn’t talk about it at lunch. Stranger. And then, he tried to avoid the conversation. Worst yet, he was trying to avoid me. Strangest. Well, if he’s not talking to me, it must mean he’s thinking about something. Something import. But what? And why doesn’t he trust me with it. What could be so important that he can’t trust me with knowing? Now I feel really bad about yelling at him.

If there’s something bothering him, of course I want to know about it, but it was wrong of me to yell at him. I really shouldn’t have swore about him. He’s he best person I know. If he’s having trouble with something I shouldn’t be mad, I should be upset. I should be comforting him. But I wasn’t. I am a terrible girlfriend. The worst ever I was being selfish when all this time he was thinking of me more. No wonder he broke up with me.

If I was him, I would too. I need to make it up to him. But how? Should I just leave him alone, or try to talk to him again? I walked another three blocks or so and stopped again. Ahh! It’ll be a long way back home. I wonder if I can get a cab. I had about 84 cents in change, so I took the town bus.

There was a creepy, smelly old man sitting beside me on the way home. That is why I don’t ever take the bus. Either Samuel or Tom drives me until I get my license in May. The scariest part about the ride home is that the bus broke down on 5th street. On the bridge. I live about 12 miles from the 5th street bridge, so I didn’t feel like walking. No one could figure out why the bus suddenly stopped. The driver came back and told us, “I lost control.
Half the bus is over the side. Everyone out!” Over the side? He means the bus is going to fall over the bride. So, I’m stuck on a broken bus that is over the side of the bridge with an old dude who smells really bad; and I’m pretty sure he’s trying to feel me up. Creepy. You can imagine how scary this is for me. If you can’t: it’s scaring the s*** out of me.

After about 5 minutes, the lights on the bus went out. Remember this was about 7:00 at night, so its dark outside. I started looking all around me to find something I could see; useless. My heart was racing and my head was pounding. I was freaking out, but I didn’t move an inch. I didn’t get out of my seat. Then, came a scream to my left. It was so loud and right in my ear. It was high pitched-enough to brake glass (surprised that it didn’t)-and real squeaky.

I think I was def for a split second. Ow! I heard shuffling, but with a little dim light from outside, I couldn’t see much. I didn’t see a few silhouettes bumping into each other. What the hell is going on was the only thing running through my head. I wanted to ask it out loud, but something wasn’t letting me speak. It felt as if my heart would beat right out of my body.

I could have swore that everyone heard it beating several thousand miles an hour. A bright light came from a little behind me and shadowed my left. They opened the back door to let us out. I heard one woman ask what the hell is going on.

Guess she didn’t hear the driver. There’s traffic all around us, I noticed. Some people are out of their cars watching the whole thing go down. In the next minute, I heard sirens going off in all directions (except the front of us since we were falling off the bridge!) Cops. Some stopped, some kept going. I still haven’t gotten out of my seat, but I turned my body a little to the man saying,

“Ma’am.” I realized I have to get off the bus. I will my feet to move, but for another minute, I stay still. I finally stand up and quickly make my way to the back of the bus. My walk is wobbly and my legs shake like a son of a b****. At the very edge of the back of the bus, I reach out for the man’s hand.

His hand felt cold and stiff like a statues. The bus rocked a bit which made my grasp on the man’s hand loosen. I thought I was about to go down, but as I tried to steady my stance, it stopped. I reached out for the man’s hand again. As soon as I touched his on finger, the bus started to tip downward. I tried as hard as I could to grab on to the man, but it was useless. I started freaking the hell out. I could feel my heart lodged in my throat and tears rolled down my cheeks. I was scared as hell. Then, there was nothing I could do to stay where I was. In the next minute, I lost my footing and slammed into the front of the bus.

It hurt the hell out of my back. As I tried to look out the window behind me with my head spinning, I couldn’t see much. But I knew that, with the bus, I was falling off the bride. My head was spinning so fast. But, it wasn’t just my head. I was spinning. Spinning on a bus down 75 feet to cold, painful water of a river. My back ached like never before and I knew it was about to get worse from the fall.

There was nothing I could do. How could I stop falling 75 feet with nothing to hang onto? I wanted to scream. I tried to scream, but (again) nothing came out. There was nothing to do, but wait for my life to come to an end of hitting the water. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to calm down, tired to breathe better, tried to stop the pounding in my head.

In five, four, three, two… Here we go. Splash! I tried to swim, but the current of the water from the bus falling deeper, I couldn’t get up. I was holding my breath as best I could. I wanted to take a deep breath so badly, but I new I wouldn’t be able to. How many near-death experiences am I going to have before I actually die? I could feel my breath inside me start to decrease, quickly.

I was scared out of my mind. The only thing I could think at that moment was: I’m going to die. I didn’t want to die. But, I knew I was. Even though every part of me wanted to believe I was going to make it somehow, I knew there was no chance I could. Knowing I was going to die scared and upset me. I really didn’t want to die so young. I’m only sixteen. I want to keep living. Grow old and have a family. But, it too late. I could faintly see anything around me. I could distinctly hear the roar of the water. Then, a second later, nothing.

Samuel’s POV (point of view)

About 7:30 I got a call from Charlotte. I knew she was upset and angry with me. But, I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t tell her what’s going on. She would just get so sad and start crying. I don’t want that and I don’t want to worry her. She already had too much to worry about. She’s been going through so much lately and I really don’t want to add on to it.

I just wish she would understand better. I only want what’s best for her. I love her more than life. I know she does, too. I would die for her. It just seems like she doesn’t care most of the time. But, I know that she has too much on her mind and she doesn’t mean it. I know she needs me. With me, I can tell she feels more comfortable.

She hasn’t been like that since July. Maybe I shouldn’t have broken up with her. I was just trying to help. Maybe I did the wrong thing. I know I made a mistake. I should have just told her how I feel without telling her what exactly is going on. I should tell her all this, and so I will. I picked up the phone and started talking. “Char, I am so sorry about the way I’ve been acting. I need to talk to you in person. Can I come over?” There was no answer, just a huge sigh. My heart started racing. I was scared to hear what she’ll say.

“Samuel…” I know that voice, but I can’t think of who it is. Who is it? Tom! What does he want? This is starting to scare me. Then, I realized I didn’t say anything, so I spoke.

“Where’s Charlotte.?” I tried to speak calmly, but I was shaking so badly. I heard my voice crack and I knew Tom noticed.

“Samuel, Charlotte…had an accident.”

He paused. Well, is she okay? But, I didn’t say it out loud. It felt like there was something more powerful inside me that kept me from talking. Tom went on, “She’s in the hospital. I know you two have had some trouble lately, but I know you care for her. I know you love her more than anything.” He stopped again. I understood what he was saying. He sighed again.

“I’ll see you at the hospital.” I was going to say thank you, but before I could, I heard a click and then a buzz. He hung up on me. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I get to the hospital as fast as I can. I hung up the phone and quickly got started on the road.

My mom tried to talk to me, but I just shrugged her off. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but I didn’t have time to explain. I was going about 60 mph. I didn’t care about speeding. I needed to get to Charlotte. But, I didn’t think that through. About half way to the hospital, I heard sirens go off, and in the rear view mirror, I saw blue and red lights flash.

“Damn it!” I think I said that a little too loud. Louder than I wanted it to be. Yup, louder, because when the cop came up to my window (as I already had it rolled down) the woman gave me a glare. “Excuse me, sir?” I shook my head, “No-nothing, ma’am.” She nodded with her eyes still narrowed. She held out her hand and asked to see my license.

I got out my wallet and took out my DL. She looked it over about ten times before giving it back. I don’t think she likes me. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I didn’t have any time for this. “Am I good to go, o-officer?” She looked at me again with an unpleasant look. She didn’t say anything for a minute, then she sighed. “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?” I didn’t say anything for a minute. I was going to say Ma’am I don’t have time for this, but I knew that would waste more time.

“No, ma’am.” I looked at my steering wheel so I didn’t have to meet her eyes. Those eyes that held anger and control. They hold power and I didn’t want to see them. Her hair was pulled back into a loose bun and it was pitch black. She had a blue police uniform on with black heels. She didn’t have a hat on, though. “I pulled you over because you were going over the speed limit. Would you like to tell me why?” I sighed and hesitated. That was a wrong move.

The woman got offended by the sigh and hesitation. She glared at me again. I was going to tell her the truth or she’d never let me leave. So, I finally looked up and straight at her. Confidence ran through me. I was proud of how well I started handling this situation, especially since I never got pulled over before, but this was an emergency. “I was trying to get to the hospital. My…best friend go into an accident. I wanted to be there for her.”

The lady looked up with surprise written on her face. When I looked in her eyes I saw something totally opposite of what I expected. I saw compassion. “Her? Your best friend is a girl? And she’s is the hospital? Oh, how nice and thoughtful.” She paused and it looked like she was thinking. I guess she decided. “I’ll let you off with a warning this time. Only because you’re trying to get to your friend. You are so sweet.” She gave me a little hint of a smile then walked back to her car. I thought that actually went well. Okay, now to the hospital. Hold on, Char. I’m on my way!

I got to the hospital fifteen minutes later. I immediately ran inside to the front desk. The man there looked up a little startled. His eyes were wide, but settled to normal in a few seconds. The man had a long face and real light blonde hair. He looked pretty small, too. He didn’t look too young and had a beard. “Sir, may I help you with something? Is there an emergency?” I waited to catch my breath before I spoke. I wanted to calm down instead of talking and breathing heavy. “No, but do you know where Charlotte Gwen is?”

He started typing on his computer and clicking away before answering. “Yes. She is in room 189. Second floor and to the left.” I still couldn’t speak. And I bet the man was debating on if he should go get someone. Go get some help. “Are you okay, sir?” I didn’t get to answer or say thank you. I just started jogging toward the elevators. I don’t care about me right now-even though I really shouldn’t be running-I only cared about getting to Char. As soon as the elevator doors opened on the second floor, I debated on which way to go. I didn’t know and I wouldn’t unless I just picked a way and started walking. And, so I did. I picked right for some reason.

At first I was jogging, but then I slowed down. About half way down the hall, I stopped; out of breath. My heart was pounding and was burning up like a pig over a fire on a stick at camp (A little southern talk for y’all) I knew all this running wasn’t good for me. If I didn’t feel it now (which I do) I would definitely feel it tonight (and I will) But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about the pain.

I don’t care about what will happen to me. All I care about at this time is: what will happen to Charlotte? She had an accident, she’s in the hospital, she got hurt. That’s all that matters. When I looked at the room numbers beside me, I realized I was at the wrong end. Ah! I don’t have time for this! Run… Breathe… Faster… Deeper… Okay. Here we are. 189.

I looked inside. No one in the first bed and the curtain is closed. Do I have the right room? Then, a head poked out from behind the curtain. Tom. “Samuel. Come on in.” I hesitated, but eventually walked over to him. He put his hand on my shoulder for a second and then, I saw her. Charlotte looked do bad. She had scars everywhere.

Blood here and there. I felt like I was going to cry. I didn’t just feel like I was, I was crying. Charlotte must have had a really bad accident. She looked helpless and hopeless. Two things I didn’t want to see of her. Not again. I haven’t seen her like this since July. It scared me just as much as it did several months ago. I couldn’t help but look at her and feel pain myself. I went over to her side and held her hand in mine. Seeing her like this made me die inside. I hated it. And the last conversation we had was basically a fight. Yelling about how she almost died and… Then I broke up with her, too. I’m such a horrible person. This is all my fault. I can’t believe all this. She deserves someone else. Someone who knows how to treat her. Someone better.

Twenty minutes later, Charlotte woke up. She had to focus her eye sight a little, but then she looked at me. “Char…” She didn’t say anything for a moment. She sighed and closed her eyes again. I thought she fell back asleep. Without opening her eyes she said, “Where am I? Why are you here?” I sniffled my nose from all my crying, but I couldn’t say anything. She’s still mad at me.

I can tell by the tone of her voice. She didn’t want me here. She didn’t want to see me. Not after everything that’s happened between us. I just wish I could explain, but I can’t. “Well?” I realized that she was sitting up a bit, looking at me. “I-I came to see if you were okay. Tom called me and said you were in the hospital after an accident…”

I trailed off, not knowing how to explain how I was feeling. But, the tears rolling down my cheeks gave it all away. Well, some of it. She didn’t say anything again. I could tell she was thinking. Then she asked, “Am I dead? Did I live that…accident?” My eyes went wide with the questions she just asked. I didn’t understand why she was asking them. It scared me. But I just nodded my head, “You’re not dead.”

(Charlotte’s POV)

Okay, so I was in the water and everything went black. After that I woke up to see Tom and Samuel. I looked around for a minute. It looked like I was in the hospital. But, I couldn’t have lived through that. Could I? Samuel was staring at me and said, “Char…“I closed my eyes again, having an extreme migraine. I had to ask. I couldn’t resist.

“Where am I? Why are you here?” I knew the answers, but I wanted to hear them from someone else. I wanted to be certain that I did live. But, there was still this feeling that I didn’t. Its possible that I’m a ghost. Waking up from dying. I can see them, but they can’t see me. They could just be looking at my dead body in the hospital… Whoa. Am I really thinking all this? Okay, push it back. I might be dead, because neither Samuel nor Tom answered me.

“Well?” I asked, sitting up and looking at Samuel. To my surprise, Samuel spoke. “I-I came to see if you were okay. Tom called me and said you were in the hospital after an accident…” Did he just answer me? No. He couldn’t. He could just be pretending to talk to me. He could just be talking to me like I was alive only because he knows I’m not. So, to confirm that I’m dead (or alive) I asked, “Am I dead? Did I live that…accident?”
Samuel said nothing. Neither did Tom. So, I am dead. Oh my god! But, that wasn’t why I was freaking out. After a minute or so, Samuel nodded and said, “You’re not dead.” My heart skipped a beat and I lied back down. I was breathing heavily. I’m…ALIVE! I can’t believe I lived. Samuel then started to rub my forehead. I felt pain, and I didn’t know why.

Samuel was staring at me. Staring deep into my eyes. I felt love in that look. I haven’t seen that look in a while. Not since Samuel has been acting strange. I wanted to talk to him, and yell at him, and ask a bunch of questions, and cry to him; all at the same time. But, I didn’t. I couldn’t think of any of that right now. I was so exhausted.
I just wanted to sleep for days and days without end. I felt my eyelids start to close. I opened them quickly to try and stay awake, but it didn’t help. They just started closing again. Samuel smiled his beautiful, heartfelt smile. I couldn’t help but smile; knowing that him and Tom were both here to comfort me in this horrible time.

Knowing that Samuel was himself at least a little to come see me in the hospital, even though we’re not together anymore. That makes me feel better. Just to know that he still loves me just the same as he did before. Samuel interrupted my thoughts with a command. “Get some sleep,” he said quietly but lovingly, “you need some rest. You’ll see me here in the exact spot when you wake up.” That really made me feel better. I smiled again, but frowned. Not really knowing why.

Mostly because of everything that’s going on. Everything that’s happened in the past several months; and now. But, my eyes closed, absent-mindlessly; making me give in to the sleepless taunting of my body, I fell asleep. The last thing I saw was Samuel’s smiling beautiful face. That was the perfect thing to fall asleep to; especially at this time. So, I sleep peacefully with the memory of Samuel and Tom right beside me. And knowing they will both be there when I wake up; waiting for me.

Waking up in the hospital, your head will absolutely hurt like you got hit by a truck. Yeah, tell me about it. But, that wasn’t the real reason my head hurt. I woke up to find neither Samuel nor Tom there. I was ticked, only because I was upset. That’s usually how it goes now-a-days. When I’m upset; or any teenager for that matter-o-fact, you get mad. Well, more like pissed.
Anyway. I was pissed to find Tom and Samuel gone. Samuel promised me he would be right there beside me when I woke up; just like he was when I went to sleep. I wonder if he had a good reason for leaving? I bet he didn’t have a good reason for breaking up with me. Or acting like an ass the past couple of days. I couldn’t get up at all.
My body ached and I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere with all this s*** hooked up to me. This is all a pain in the ass to me. The accident, hospital, and Sam. Why can’t he just talk to me? It would be so much easier. I don’t care if he tells me the whole s*** that’s going on. I just want to know what’s going through his head and what he’s doing. If only he would start a conversation and we can talk about all of this, I’d be fine.
But, he won’t talk to me at all; and I hate it. He’s never done anything like this before. What the hell? I’m leaving it alone. If he doesn’t want to talk, then what’s the point in trying? I didn’t know what day it was, or how long I had been sleeping. Honestly, I didn’t care much. I knew all I needed to know. I was in the hospital with no one around to care. Only nurses and doctors who took care of me, not really cared about me. That sent a sharp pain through my heart.
It hurt like f*ing Hades was punishing me, for not reason what’s-so-ever. What the hell is this? Why can’t they just kill me now? End my suffering. It would be better than living this hell. I didn’t want to think about that anymore. I didn’t want to think about anything at all. That would just hurt more. I closed me eyes again; feeling so freaking tired from all of this.
I wanted to go back to sleep, but I knew at this moment that my mind wouldn’t let me. Not with all the millions of things running through it. I did doze off for a moment though. Just feeling good that I got a little rest with everything reeling around.
I finally opened my eyes and saw him. You’re probably thinking Samuel, right? I know; that would be awesome, but no. And it wasn’t Tom either. The person who was standing in front of me was a man who shouldn’t have come. It would be better if he didn’t. Him coming just made things worse. I haven’t seen him in years and the thought that he was standing in front of me now sent chills down my spine. It gave me more of a headache.
My bones ached even more. I hated it. My heart kept skipping a beat. My breathing was ragged, but I couldn’t stop staring at him. I recognized him from photos I’ve seen. I’ve heard of him from stories I have heard. But, I don’t remember anything about him; except that he is my father. He smiled a big, wide smile that just gave me the creeps. He kept his eyes on me.
He looked at me like he never seen me before, which was basically true. I don’t know what his eyes held; and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know what the hell he was doing here. Or why he thought he could just come home and think everything was fine. Think that I would run into his arms, hug him, and yell ‘Daddy!’ because that wasn’t happening. I closed my eyes again; tighter. Hoping that this was all a dream. Or more like a nightmare.
I hoped that when I opened my eyes back up that he wouldn’t be there. I didn’t even care if I woke up to see Tom or Samuel. As long as he wasn’t there I was perfectly happy. I felt him touch my forehead as he moved hair from my face. I so badly wanted to smack it away, but couldn’t. I didn’t have the guts to. But thankfully he took his hand away a second later. “Hey, sweetie,” he said in a sweet (yet irritating) low voice, “I’m Stephen. You’re father.”

I gulped down a huge breath of air. This situation scared me as hell. I actually think its scarier than near-death experiences; or dying. I had those a lot, but its still not as bad as meeting my father after all these years. He raised his eyebrows a little, waiting for me to say something, but I couldn’t. My heart was lodged in my throat.

He went forward anyway. “What happened cupcake? Why are you like this?” I still couldn’t say anything. I just couldn’t get up the nerve to speak to him. He comes in like nothing has happened and starts asking what’s wrong; instead of saying I’m sorry I haven’t been there the past twelve years. Thankfully, but weirdly someone came in and saved me.

Samuel was still here. He came in with a tray of food and a smile on his face. That is until he saw Stephen. His smile dropped faster than an anchor falling from a cliff with 100 mph of wind falling with it. I could see the fear and confusion in Samuel’s eyes. And Stephen just stands there; still smiling like the little devil he is. “What’s going on here?” He hesitated a little bit (deciding if he should ask) but said,

“Who are you?” It took him a minute to respond, but he eventually did. “I’m Stephen. Charlotte’s father. You are?” Okay, I know I shouldn’t have opened my mouth and saying something like this, but I did. “Oh, shut the f*** up.” Both of them turned their heads to me; surprised looks all over their faces. I curled up my lips; knowing I shouldn’t have said it.

But, I can’t take it back. It was too late. Samuel (thankfully) was the first to respond, “Charlotte…I got you some breakfast.” Ohmigod! I thought he was going to yell at me or something, but he passed it off like nothing new. Then, he butted in before Stephen could say anything. “How are you feeling?” I nodded and sighed. He understood perfectly, but Stephen gave us a quick confused look. I smiled, “Thank you. For a minute I was beginning to worry you left me.” I smiled again to show a little tease.

I wanted to lighten up the mood a little. Samuel smiled too. “I’m always here for you, whether you see me or not.” I nodded to say I understand. And as Samuel set the tray of food on my lap, Tom came through the door with the same expression as Samuel had. It actually kind of made me laugh. I don’t know how I found it funny, but I did.
Tom stopped dead in his tracks as Stephen turned around. Tom is five years older than me so he knows dad better than I do. “Father…what-how-but.” He stopped speaking. I bet his heart is lodged in his throat just as much as mine was. Haha… How do I find any of this funny? “Son. Its so good to see you again.” Stephen walked toward Tom and held out his arms for a hug, but Tom just stood there; being stubborn. Point 1 to Tom. Seriously; what is going on with me? Maybe its just from the fall.

Or maybe because of the fall. I could have hit my head too hard on a rock. I don’t know. Back to the situation at hand. “What are you doing here,” Tom asked, his voice cracking. I could tell he wasn’t handling at all like I am. Somehow I’m finding all this funny. Are they putting something in my veins that makes me delusional? Stephen sighed and dropped his gaze to the floor. I could see a little of a frown. “I’m sorry. I know I’m barging in…but I heard that your mother had passed away.

Then, I heard you were in the hospital, I had to come see you children.” I don’t know if Tom was mad or just trying to understand, but his voice seemed harsh. “Why did you leave and come back twelve years later?” Nothing for a moment. Its as if he was coming up with a good enough excuse to tell us. He hesitated a while more before responding.

“I’ll tell you that later. I don’t want to make this situation worse. But, I came back because; even though I left, you are still my children.” No one said anything after that. No one knew how to say anything after that. So, we let it go for now and everyone went back on to me. Of course, as a parent, Stephen was asking a bunch of questions to sum up the last twelve years of our lives.

Tom went first, letting me rest a little. But, I wasn’t resting. I couldn’t rest with all that’s happening now. I only pretended to sleep, hearing the conversations between the three. Stuff like our lives, mom, and Samuel and my relationship (which ended). That conversation I couldn’t have lived without. “So, who are you, son?” “Samuel. A friend of Charlotte’s,”
Tom’s voice was hesitant and shaky. “A friend. Samuel’s her best friend since they were six. And recently became her boyfriend.” Tom budged in n this conversation for a reason no one knows.
“Oh, is that so…?”
“Well…we-uh. We broke up a few days ago.”
No responses; no gasps; no sighs. Hmm?
“Oh, why is that, boy?” Was my father interrogating Samuel? If so; he has no right. He hasn’t been here for most of my life. He has no right to do anything as a real parent. Tom didn’t say much to that. He just added, “That’s a shame.” “Why is that? We are still friends.”
There was a puff coming from someone, I didn’t know. But then, Tom spoke. “Friends? You two barely talked to each other. I hadn’t seen you around since. Samuel, you’re in love with her. I can tell, so why be distant and…stubborn.” Half of me hated Tom budging into our problem. Half of me appreciated it. “There’s something that she doesn’t know. But; I can’t tell her.
It would just break her heart. Make things much worse than they already are.” I opened one of my eyes. None of them were looking my way, so I was okay. I saw Tom nod. “Samuel…her heart is already broken. Nothing could get worse than that.”
Samuel looked down. I could tell he was thinking. But, Tom was right. My heart is broken. Broken from Samuel breaking up with me. Broken from my father leaving. And broken from almost everyone I love: dead. Tom explained that to Samuel. But Samuel still protested. “But, I don’t think hearing that someone else she loves might die.”
Samuel stopped a moment but went on in a different tone of voice. “Or that you two will leave her. She can’t handle that.” Tom nodded and Stephen was just standing there watching the two converse. Same as me. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” Tom watched Samuel closely just as I was watching them closely. Samuel looked over at me and saw I was awake, so he smiled. That got Stephen and Tom’s attention, as well. They came over to me and started asking how I felt.
That night, the doctors gave us news that I’m going to need surgery. After that I will be staying in the hospital for longer. Tom’s reaction was not knowing if we could pay for the surgery. Love you too, bro. Samuel didn’t say anything. He was still lost in his own world. Lost in that conversation, just as much as I still am. My father’s reaction was feeling upset. Hell no. Upset? About me? He’s not fooling anyone.
He really expects us to believe that he came back after twelve years because he missed us? No f*ing way! My father has made me go speechless, to laughing, to pissed off in one day. That’s talent. I can’t say the same for Tom though. I think he’s just trying to find out why he’s back. Or what the hell for. Who knows? Turns out that we can pay for the surgery and I’m going in tomorrow. Woo-hoo! That’s great. (Sarcasm) Stephen says that he’s going to go ‘home’ for a few days.
When he says home, he means our house that we lived in ever since he left us, until he came back. Stupid ass. That’s what I think. I shouldn’t be judging, though. I’m not the kind of person to judge much. So, I’ll get to know him first, then judge; haha. Samuel came over to me and held my hand. He didn’t say anything for a moment. He just looked into my eyes, still thinking about everything.
“Charlotte. I need you to know something; before you have that surgery.” He waited for my reaction (which was raised eyebrows) and went on. “The reason I’ve been acting strange is because I have something to tell you. My parents and I found out that…I have a type of cancer. They don’t know how bad it is, but I could possibly die; if not treated correctly. I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you.”
When I didn’t say anything, he kept explaining. “The truth is, I didn’t tell you because I was scared and I didn’t want you to be upset. Char…I’m in love with you and I can’t be without you. You’re my world and I would die without you. I’m sorry for everything.”
I still couldn’t speak. I didn’t know how to react to that. I ran my fingers through his thick, dark hair and pulled him closer. I tilted my head a little and as he got closer I parted my lips. His lips met mine. They felt soft and the kiss was passionate. It was our first real kiss. It had every bit of love in it than either of us could possibly say or show. It was amazing. I felt as if I was walking on air. I didn’t want it to stop. I never wanted to let go of him. But, that ended when Tom and Stephen stepped into the room.
Tom cleared his throat to let us know that they were standing there.
Samuel broke the kiss, but didn’t look away from me. He had a huge smile on his face that warmed my heart. And that kiss. That kiss put my heart back together. Most of it anyway, I still had my surgery and deaths to deal with. But, he definitely made it better.

“Charlotte; the doctor is here. She says its time for your surgery.” Samuel looked up at Tom. His smile then faded and I was officially scared. But Samuel looked back at me and smiled. “I’ll be right here when you get back. Promise. You’ll be fine.” I nodded. Samuel let go of my hand and stepped out of the way as the doctor’s aids rolled me and my bed out of the room and down the hall. I closed my eyes tightly, thinking of every good memory I could.

I wasn’t so much as scared about the surgery, but what comes after it. And about Samuel having…cancer. I’ll be okay. I had really bad near-death experiences before. I think I can handle anything else. Samuel will be fine. He won’t die. Fate won’t let that happen. I’ll be okay. Nothing bad will happen to me. I’ll be home before I know it. Everything will be back to normal. I’ll be perfectly happy. Perfectly happy. Those words caught me. I was happy. Happy without Stephen. Happy with my life.

I never realized until now that I blamed everything on my father and it caused me to not see clearly. It wasn’t my father’s fault for how our lives had become. Sure; he left. I’m not sure if that was for a good reason or not, but how our lives turned out after that-how horrible they were-had nothing to do with him. And our lives are better. Better than most people’s. For once in my life, I wasn’t angry with him, or myself.

Death happens everyday. You have to deal with it. I should be happy that I have people who love me. And I have the love of my life beside me. Tom is still here for me and will always be here. He’s my big brother. I still have friends; like Erika. My life is great; and I didn’t even realize it. I do now, but I think its too late. I hope that I can live past this. But, I’m about to go into surgery. The doctor’s aid gave me something to make me unconscious. After a minute or two, I fell a sleep; unaware of everything around me.


I woke up with a blurry vision, but I instantly recognized Samuel. I smiled-or at least I thought I did. Samuel smiled and said something, but I couldn’t understand what he said. I only saw his lips move-and again, my vision isn’t the best right now. I tried to speak, but my voice was no longer mine. It had left me when I needed it the most. But; doesn’t everybody’s? Samuel touched my forehead, but I couldn’t feel anything. I was too numb.

I wondered what they did to me during surgery. I felt so groggy. I just wanted to go back to sleep; or better yet, be unconscious. I closed my eyes. Then, I heard Samuel’s voice. “Char? Did You hear me?” I shook my head the best I could, but it didn’t seem like much. He stared at me and started to talk about how much he was sorry. Of course I wanted to hear his apology (I’ve wanted to hear it for a while now) but I lost interest.

My eyes were closed and, eventually, I dozed off. I didn’t have a dream nor a nightmare. Nothing was in my head while I was sleeping. I thought maybe I was unconscious again-or maybe even dead. But, I did wake up. I don’t know how long I was sleeping, but it seemed like quite a while.

I think it was too long Samuel and Stephen weren’t there and there hadn’t seemed like many people were here. Nighttime. It’s the only explanation. My throat felt like there was a canon ball lodged in it. I tasted a metallic taste. It was horrible. I made a gesture of drinking to Tom and he eventually called for some water. I pretty much finished the whole bottle before even stopping for air.

After a minute or two, I asked, “What time is it?”

“Its 8:19. You slept quite a lot. How are you feeling?” He smiled his easy-going, careful smile. I smiled back and nodded my head.

“Ya. My head hurts.” I paused, not knowing how to ask the questions I had deep inside me. “Do-do you know what they…did on me? You know; from the surgery?”

Tom sighed and stayed silent for a moment. “I’m sorry. They never shared that information. Not sure if they will.” This time he paused.

“They said it went really well, so nothing to worry about so far, but you’ll be here for about a week. They really want you to get a lot of rest and make sure you’re okay…”
He completely stopped after that. I’m guessing he didn’t want to go on, or there was nothing more to say. I, myself didn’t know how to respond. I closed my eyes again feeling a headache coming on. I felt a sudden pain in my left arm and quickly turned my head. An IV… I actually, truthfully never had one before. It felt weird and it hurt.

It was for nutrients-as Tom had explained-and it felt as if my veins would burst open. GROSS! I fell back asleep about ten minutes later. I have never been this tired since I was probably about six. Running around so much and sleeping like a dog the next day. And that night, I hadn’t woke up until around 10:30 in the morning. Probably the longest time I have ever slept. Okay…maybe that’s a little exaggeration; but its not that big of a one.

When I woke up that morning, Samuel and-sadly-Stephen was back. I was glad to see Samuel doing well. Even though I was the one in the hospital bed after surgery; he was still the one with cancer and he was suffering from it. Ya, I know that was an exaggeration, too, but-again-it wasn’t that big.
“Hey…how are you doing?” Samuel smiled, but I could tell that he had too much on his mind that he wanted to say.
He knew that its not the best time to discuss what is reeling through his head.

I smiled and sighed. “I’m okay. Tired and my body aches. Nothing new, though.”

His smile faded and he nodded. He took my hand in his and stared at it-probably to not see the pain in my eyes. He didn’t say anything. My stomach tightened and after a minute, I realized that my jaw was clenched so tight. I tried to unclench my jaw, but it tightened again automatically a moment later.

The nurse came in and went straight to check the things around me. I was guessing she was checking to make sure everything was okay and that I was still alive. She turned and realized that I was awake.

“Oh, Miss. Gwen. You’re awake. You were asleep for quite a while. How about some breakfast?” She smiled a sweet smile, but I knew it was a cover up; just to be nice.

I nodded, “Sure. I could use some food. What can I have?” I smiled back, but just like her smile; mine was fake.

“Anything you want, sweetie. How about some jell-o to start?” The nurse glanced over at Samuel’s hand in mine and quickly looked back at me. I saw something in her eyes. It looked like…jealousy. Wonder if she has someone special. I know I do.

“Sure. That’s fine.” She gave me a quick little nod and left.

Stephen watched her leave and smiled the slightest bit. Hmmm? Maybe I could set them up?

I was in pain. I didn’t want to complain and I didn’t want to show it; for Samuel’s sake. But, I knew he saw the pain inside me-and not just because of the surgery. He knew I was also in pain because of the news he gave me yesterday-right before my surgery-and because my father (after twelve years) came back to our family. I had a lot of pain inside me. Mental, emotional, and physical. But, I’ve had this pain inside me or a long while now, so I know how to hide it pretty well. Except against Samuel, that is.

The nurse came back in about ten minutes later with jell-o and a glass of orange juice. I smiled and said thanks. She was mid-size and had long, light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. She had this small, pretty face; sea, blue eyes. She definitely covered her face with make-up. As she was walking around the room, Stephen was watching her every move; like a puppy dog. What was going on here? Was he fascinated by her? Attracted to her? Wonder if he would ask her out. Only one way to find out.

“Ma’am?” I waited until the lady stopped what she was doing and turned to me. “Mind me asking,” I said; trying to be polite as I can, “how old are you?”

The lady gave me a look that was uncomfortable, but she answered anyway. “I don’t mind. A lot of people ask because they think I’m pretty old to be a nurse. I am actually. I’m 41.”

I nodded, but she didn’t notice. “Oh, that’s cool. Do you like being a nurse?” To get information you need, you have to ask questions you don’t need the answers to; only to make them think that you’re interested. (A little education for you there)

Without turning toward me she replied, “Why, yes. I have always wanted to be one since I was little.” I could see a little smile from where I was sitting. She was-again-checking all the medical stuff in the room while answering my questions.

“Oh. How long have you been a nurse?” I really didn’t want to know that answer; but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Only ten years.” She still didn’t look at me. But as I was about to ask my next question, she turned to me; obviously done checking the things around me.

“Sorry for asking; just curious, but do you have a boyfriend.” She hesitated. She probably was wondering why I was asking this question. The others were at least understandable, but a personal question? Not the best.

“I…No. I do not.” She then smiled at me and walked out the door. Yes, that was a very awkward conversation; but it was worth it.

After a while, I finally got the right time to talk to Stephen about the nurse. She came in another time before and I was able to catch her name. June. Pretty name; or a pretty girl. “So, Stephen? What do you think of June? Do you think she’s a good nurse for only being on or a year and a half?” Both Tom and Samuel looked at me; confused looks on their faces.

“I don’t know. She seems okay; I guess.” I nodded. I can’t believe I was hooking my father up with a cute nurse. I might be dying if I’m doing this. I just came out and said it, though. “She’s pretty, huh?” Now, Stephen looked at me with fear in his eyes. I guess he was scared to see where this was going.

Samuel got what I was trying to do, though, so he just let me go. Probably thinking it was a good thing to do. “I-I-I don’t know.” He stuttered a bit and I knew that it must mean he’s nervous. I’m thinking that’s a yes.

I was on a roll. I knew I was going to get somewhere. “How about asking her out?” That question had got Stephens attention completely. He avoided the question by saying he had to use the bathroom. I think I knew what that meant.

(Samuel’s POV)

My name is Samuel Tucker. You know the story of my girlfriends; Charlotte. Her story affected-not only her-but the people around her; the people she loved the most. Well, the end of her story is not very happy; in some ways. Her father stayed home. He learned how to become a better father to both of them. He stayed to be there for his kids. Charlotte did a good job at getting her father with the nurse. They started dating pretty much right away. She later moved in.

Tom and his wife were still living at the house. They just couldn’t leave after his mother's death. He vowed to live the rest of his life in that house. Tom also made a big investment. He had earned $72,000 for half a year. He got rich after that. His wife was very proud of him.
As for me; I got a cure for my cancer. It had bad side-affects, but they were worth it. I had to do anything to make sure I wouldn’t die. Anything to convince Charlotte that I was going to be all right. She was so relieved when I told her. She started crying; which resulted in my crying.

What happened to Charlotte you may ask? She had a bad time. Having near-death experiences around every corner. Some of you may think that she was meant to die. Some of you may say she was just unlucky. I say it was both. After she got out of the hospital, she died two months later. Both near-death accidents caused her heart to become bad, and afterward; it quit. She had a heart attack. Thankfully, she was at home when it happened. So, she died with comfort of her family.

I hated not being with her. I finally knew how she felt after July. I never spoke to anyone nor did I do much. I went through life feeling horrible. I felt as if there was this giant hole in me, but no matter how much you treated it, it wouldn’t get better and it wouldn’t go away. I ended up hanging myself after trying to go through life without her. I didn’t get very far. Charlotte’s story will always be remembered. It’s a story of pain, suffering, hopelessness, love, and growing up. Life lessons we all learn at some point in time. We all need to learn these lessons; or life as we know it, is pointless. The next time you feel pain inside you-from whatever is going on-remember this story. The story of a girl at constant battle with herself and her life. Nothing is worse than death. Or is there?