Yeah that's the question that I have for myself too because damn if I told you everything that I have to deal with in life right now then I would completely break down or stress just writing this and just go insane at that point. Today I actually broke, at lunch I was crying to Tommy and Shultz, then Mrs. Garrett later. I cried about how life is going and about all the stress in the world and everything that has happened this school year and how it has changed my perspective on life. Let me tell you. All my life I have lived trying to benefit others and that doesn’t matter if it's for a friend or for family. If they succeed at least then I don’t care if I do. It’s my strongest skill, caring. Let me tell you that this year really broke me. I met some people who changed my life, I had best friends stab me in the back just so I can turn around to forgive them, and I’ve had dark thoughts before. I lost all hope and today I was really broken. I felt no purpose in life and it felt like no one cared about me and my emotions. It felt like I was abandoned and that everyone just neglected me this year. It feels like I made friends with so many people but then they would go back to their old friend groups and pretend that we were never friends, like what?
   

If anything high school taught me was that no matter how kind and nice you are that people are going to kick you to the ground and just try to stab you in the back and for what? Personal gain. Or because they want to. I told the pair of people that I cried to about how my life has changed and how people at this school treat other horrendously. My mindset has changed from being so hopeful to becoming so depressed and hopeless. I had so much hope in life but wow high school you broke me. I told these two people about how I live alone with my little brother and how I am basically his dad and that I have to take care of him and make sure he eats and wakes up and does his homework. I told them about how high school has messed with my mental state. I told them about how I need to make about $20,000 on my own by the end of summer just so I can go to college and my parents decided to let me deal with that on my own. If I can’t do that then I guess I won’t go to college, then I’ll go to MJC and my parents being my parents will kick me out of the house for me to fend for myself so you know that amazing to hear.
   

On top of all this I plan to join the ROTC program in college just so I can help out my parents. So yeah I going to serve in the Air Force for the reason of my family. Can’t say many people do that, I don’t even want to join but who cares about my ideas and stuff and what I want to do. I have lived my whole life helping others and making sure they succeed and making sure that I do good in school but for who? Oh my parents right...So yeah call me insane or something but this is what I have to deal with right now and am I going insane? YES. What am I going to do? Well who knows, I guess I am going to write that story I have been working on that means so much to me. Maybe kids can understand what I am going through and that you can’t judge me by looking at me. More than that you can’t judge me for my actions because I know the actions I take will always be moral and not on my own personal benefit. So yeah and now at this point I am supposed to look out for myself but it feels like I have been looking out for family and friends so much that if I cared for myself that I literally couldn’t because I care so much about the others around me. On top of that there’s so many other things just ugh.

The other things have to do with the fact that I barely get 6 hours at most and 4 hours normally of sleep and just barely function and on top of that I have to deal with tennis still even though I really want it to finally end so I can take naps and relax and focus on school but we keep winning somehow. Then I lose my appetite and actually had my first meal of the day at 8pm so you know that amazing as hell. But sure everyone can point and thing that I am going insane when everything is going through my head and stress eating at my hopeless mind trying to find a purpose to live for myself but wait. I’m just going insane so why does it matter. Guess what there’s so much more though how bout those rumors about you, how about all those times people take you for granted and just ignore the fact that you do and care so much but wait I’m the insane one here. On top of that some addictions that I can’t even talk about and just negative thoughts that flow through my head but wait what there’s more? Wait your parents don’t even talk to you about emotions and life and just shout at you about how are you going to pay for college and what is your plans. Then I don’t want to open up about my feelings because I don’t want them to worry about me. I want to stay that independent person that I told them I could be but then I am here raising a kid, dealing with moderate depression, dealing with the repercussions of other people's actions and wondering why people treat you so poorly, but wait remember it is because I am insane or something right. Wait what there’s more now? This is just getting repetitive but wait there's a lot more of it. The idea that no one appreciates what you do for them and the fact that I reach out to help people and care for whoever I can but they can’t bother to help you out. On top of this it is the fact that I haven’t been home since Easter and before that was Christmas break? Wow. Just. Wow. Then I just feel alone and I can’t deal with being alone or doing nothing for an extended period of time. Except I feel alone all the time now. Wow, so what’s the question? How do I deal with insanity? Oh don’t worry my life isn’t problematic enough to drive me crazy. Yeah that’s what everyone sees.