I knew the time was coming soon. I knew I had only a few weeks left to speak with her until she would never hear me again. However, I never knew the time would be during my Junior Beta Club convention hours away.

After a long day full of Junior Beta activities, I rode in the crowded bus on the way to the hotel where my peers and I were staying. I rested my head on the window and watched the stunning sunset. Now that I had time to myself, I began to think of my grandmother back at home. I had not heard from my family all day, so I wondered how she was holding up.  “I know you can save her, God,” I prayed internally, looking up at the sky. I knew everything would be alright if I asked God and prayed hard enough. After the bus ride was over, my friends and I settled into our hotel room, and I decided to check my Instagram feed. Surprisingly, I saw an image of my grandmother posted by my cousin. What an odd image for her to post, and even a stranger caption under the photo: “Rest in Peace, Aunt Dolores.” Surely my cousin had gotten false news somewhere; I knew my grandmother was still holding on. I scrolled down on my phone and discovered that underneath was another photo of my grandmother. I did not have to read this caption to know what was really going on. The sight of the second image paralyzed me. A few moments later, the panic set in. I quickly exited off instagram and dialed my mother’s phone number and she answered promptly. “How’s Meme,” I asked. “She’s good,” my mom replied brokenly with feigned nonchalance. I did not realize the hot salty tears streaming down my face until I asked: “Is it true?” My mom did not have to give me the answer; I already knew. Home was a million miles away; my grandmother was a million miles away. I had no other choice than to remain stunned and hysterical hours away until my cousin arrived to pick me up. All I could do was cry, waiting for what seemed like an eternity for my ride home. The biggest feeling of relief came when my cousin and Mom arrive at the hotel. Finally I got to go home to my family and process everything. The car ride home was a like a nightmare, where those images my cousin posted replayed over and over in my mind. Eventually the delirium and my burning tear-filled eyes took over, ending the horrible pain the day caused me.

Of all the information I learned that day, it took me years to learn something more important. I remembered minutes before pleading for God to spare her life. I could not believe God took her life right when I asked Him to spare her life. For months, I dwelt on what I thought was God mocking me. Asking and receiving was something I was used to, something I expected. Looking back at this moment now, I realize that it is okay to not always get what I want. God did not give me what I wanted at the time, but what He did give me was a way to grow appreciative of everything I still had in my life. The suffering from this day shaped me into who I am today. Sometimes when God does not give us what we ask, we can grow and change ourselves for the better.