To My Closest and Most Hated Friend, 

In all honesty, I still don’t understand why you did it. And I probably never will. One thing I do understand is, there’s no changing what happened. What’s done is done. Although your actions cannot be forgiven I understand this was your way of surviving. I guess we just have different survival tactics.

Our relationship was a fire that started out small. But every cut, every skipped meal, every reckless decision fueled that fire. Eventually, the fire was too much to handle, so you just let the world burn. 

I don’t know what I did wrong. Why I deserved this from you. You left me not only angry and pissed at the world, but you left me angry and pissed at the world for no reason. Or at least not one that I could find. I’ve been going insane trying to figure out why, trying to fix every little issue, when maybe it's not my issue to fix. Maybe this is a learning experience. Problem is, I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to be learning.

It’s a horrible experience to be abused. But what’s even worse is being abused by yourself. A tragedy that you cannot as easily escape. But it didn’t stop at that. You turned everyone else against me. I lost my friends, my family, everything important to me. And to me, this just validated the abuse. But to make it even better, you would catch me at the worst times. Having fun, finally forgetting all of the s*** you had thrown at me when all of a sudden I felt like I had been hit by a semi filled with your insults. You fed me so many lies that I began to willingly feed them to myself, even when you weren’t there. I consumed insults for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But regardless of the fact that you successfully brainwashed me and changed the person I once was, you wouldn’t leave me alone. You had already caused so much pain, hadn’t you had enough?

But now, in all of this pain and suffering, I realized something. My damage allowed you to flourish. You got power from my defeat. You had everyone rooting for you, even me. But did I even matter? I was just a body you occupied. I was your safe place. Something that I no longer had because you took away those things and kept them for your own use. Just to keep yourself alive. You selfish b****.

I still find myself wondering how we can live with the damage we have done. As close as we were I can’t let this go on for any longer. We are done. You can no longer be a part of my life. I need freedom and peace. But as much pain and suffering you caused, I feel the need to thank you. You taught me who I wasn’t and I feel like that’s a lesson many don’t get to learn. You taught me compassion, how to care for others, and most importantly, how to care for myself. And I suppose, even if it hurt at the time, even if it still hurts now, you made me a better person in the end.

Sincerely,

  Me.