It was two summers ago. I had just turned fifteen years old. I was at Camp Wonderland Wisconsin with a lot of my friends, and we were all hanging out under the gazebo by the lake. My friends and I often went there all together during the three hours of free time that we were able to have when we weren’t singing in our choirs, playing in the band, marching for the upcoming Six Flags trip, or in our theory classes.

I was sitting next to my boyfriend, Tito, and my friends, Anthony, Shelley, and Jessica were sitting across from us. We were just hanging out, listening to music, and having a good time when my phone went off. I checked the message, and saw that it was from my mom telling me that my solo was coming up in fifteen minutes and I should probably head over to the chapel where it was going to take place in front of the judges.

“Guys, it’s time for me to go sing.” I said to my friends.

Shelley smiled at me, “Alright girl, let’s go” she said in excitement.
Tito nudged me and smiled, “Are you sure you don’t want me to come watch, babe?” He asked.
I shook my head, “No, because then I would be even more nervous! Just wait for me at Catalpa until I’m finished.” I said pointing to the snack shop across from the chapel building.

“Alright babe, good luck!” Tito said. He gave me a quick kiss on the forehead before Anthony, Jessica, Shelley, and I headed towards the chapel.

I could hear my heart beating in my chest as the four of us stepped into the large room. A girl was on the stage in the middle of her solo. She looked confident, and there were some people in the crowd watching her with proud smiles on their faces. The three judges seemed impressed too. They were also grinning as they picked up their pens and filled out the score papers on the desk in front of them.

We sat down and joined the audience as the girl finished up her solo. Everyone applauded and Shelly leaned over and whispered into my ear, “Wow, she was really good.” She said.

I nodded and tried to keep my breathing steady. My stomach hurt, and I twirled my hair like I always did when I got nervous or anxious about something.

“Okay, next up is Rachael!” One of the judges said into a microphone after the girl dismissed from the stage.

Anthony gave me a pat on the shoulder, “You’ll do great,” He whispered.

I gave the three of them a smile and headed my way up towards the judges and handed them my score sheet and a copy of the song I was singing which was called Beautiful Things.

Don’t worry Rachael. I told myself as I stepped onto the stage and adjusted the microphone stand; just pretend that you’re at home in your room singing this all to yourself. Do the absolute best you can. Nobody is going to judge you as hard as you judge yourself.

I glanced at my mom, who was sitting at the piano. She gave me a smile. I smiled back and then looked at the judges and introduced myself and my song.

My mom started playing the introduction of the song, and I stared at the paper with the lyrics on it. I knew that I didn’t exactly need the lyrics, but I was really nervous and it was comforting.

I started to sing, and already I could hear and feel my voice shaking. I got through the first verse and then the chorus. As I went through the second verse, my voice stopped shaking as much and I could feel somewhat more confident. Maybe I could get through this and actually do a good job!

Next came the bridge part of the song. I started singing it… but I noticed something was wrong. The piano music didn’t sound right. It definitely didn’t sound the same as when I practiced with my mom before. I stopped singing. I could feel my face flushing as I stared at my music, trying to figure out what was going on. The piano kept playing. Ohno, I blew it! I skipped part of the bridge! I thought to myself.

I waited for the piano to start at the chorus again, feeling stupid. I started singing again when the piano got to the chorus, but by that time I didn’t have any confidence whatsoever in myself. What was the point? I wasn’t going to even have a chance to win or even place second or third now!

I finished the song and slowly made my way off the stage. I glanced up at my mom, who was still sitting at the piano gathering her papers. She looked back down at my and gave me a reassuring smile, giving me a thumbs up. I gave a slight smile back but then quickly turned around and quickly walked towards the doors. I passed Anthony, Shelly, and Jessica on my way out, and heard one of them saying, “Good job, Rach!”

I kept walking without even glancing at them. I could feel the tears gather up in my eyes. I opened the door and my heart skipped a beat. There stood Tito in the lobby entrance of the chapel. He had a big smile on his face and started walking over to me for a hug. I quickly ran the opposite direction into the girl’s bathroom. The tears flowed out of the eyes and onto my cheeks as I entered the girl’s room and stared at myself in the mirror. I felt like such a failure! I knew this was going to happen. It always felt as if whatever I did, I failed at. I no longer had any confidence in me and today was my breaking point.

To make matters worse, Tito saw me fail; as well as my friends and my mom. What do I do now? I thought. I knew that this shouldn’t make me feel so embarrassed like I was now, because I honestly knew that this wasn’t a huge deal. It was the fact that I always felt like a failure. This was my breaking point. I felt as if this topped off everything else that I did that seemed to result in failure.

I heard the door creak open, and I whirled around. Shelley stood there with a concerned look.

“Are you okay? Rach, you did amazing!” She said all at once.
I shook my head, “No, I messed up! Didn’t you hear me? I totally failed!”
“Honestly Rach, you did so great! Your voice was so pretty!”
I shrugged and stared back into the mirror. I didn’t believe her.
“Were you crying?” Shelley asked.

I paused, but then shook my head. I didn’t want her to think that I was crying because of what just happened; because I wasn’t. I was crying because I felt like a failure.

I followed Shelley out the door and into the hallway. Tito stood there with Anthony and Jessica. They all smiled at me and told me that I did amazing. Tito gave me a hug. I forced a fake smile. What was the point in acting sad about this? Nobody will understand anyway.

The rest of the day, I wasn’t in the mood to do anything and wondered why this was bothering me so much. After flag lowering, and the band practicing the march, we were to go to our choirs for practice. Instead of going, however, I ran to my house which was on top of the hill right in front of the camp grounds. I hope I don’t get in trouble for skipping practice, I thought. I didn’t feel like singing or even talking to anyone at the moment.
I spent a little time up there at the house feeling sorry for myself and eating ice-cream, when I got a text from my mom asking where I was. I figured that there was really no way of getting away with this, so I texted her back saying that I was coming to practice.

I made my way down there and told myself that I was just going to pretend that I wasn’t feeling this way. I was going to fake a smile and act like I’m perfect; just like I always do. I got to the practice room and one of the teacher’s stood there waiting for me while the choir sang in the back.

She smiled at me, “Oh my gosh, I thought we were going to have to call the police because you were nowhere to be found.” She joked.

I smiled back, “Sorry, I had to grab something from my house and I got side-tracked.”

After practice, the choir instructor, Joe,  announced that all of the recordings for our solos were available if we would like to listen to them. I laughed to myself quietly. No way are you going to listen to your solo,  I told myself. We all were dismissed from class and on my way out, Joe stopped me.

“You weren’t here when I handed out the score sheets for the solos, so here is yours.” He said smiling and handing me my score sheet, “Great job, Rachael. Did you want your audio copy of your solo as well?”

No, I don’t. I thought. “Yeah, sure.” I said. Oops.

Joe looked through a yellow envelope and handed me the audio copy. “There is a computer over there on the piano if you want to listen to it on there.” He said.

I thanked him and walked towards the computer. Why did I say yes? Why am I about to listen to myself fail? I quickly glanced over the score sheet. Every single number next to the priorities was the number five; which meant excellent. What...but how can this be possible? I asked myself. The comments that the judges gave me were really good too; “Great job with tone and volume”, “You are an excellent singer, with a lot of talent”, “Great confidence”.
I put the audio copy into the computer and pressed play. As I listened to my solo, my heart melted; but in a good way. I sounded beautiful. Through the whole thing, I sounded beautiful. When the song ended, I pressed the stop button and smiled to myself. It had been all in my head.