Dear…
I’m sorry for everything that happened. My last intention was hurting you and it kills me everyday that I did. I blame myself for all that happened between us and I blame myself for how things ended. Ever since my past I have never been the same. I could no longer trust anyone, be vulnerable with anyone and I haven’t had a successful friendship in awhile because of that. I have been so scared of history repeating itself because I know I wouldn’t be able to survive it if the same thing happened again. I know you call me sexist but it’s not true. I’m not sexist. The people who I trusted and the ones I were close to, they were men and they hurt me the most. I’m not sexist against men, I’ve just been hurt so many times by them its hard for me to have a relationship with them. When I met you for the first time I remember how strong our connection was. I’m not sure if you felt it because you didn’t even remember who I was when we talked again but I felt it and it was easy for me to talk to you and look you in the eye, something I haven’t been able to do with other guys. When we started talking again I was really excited to get to know you more because from meeting you for the first time I knew we had a lot in common already. You seemed really nice and I loved talking about superhero’s with you and it was nice to finally talk to someone who gets Captain America like I do. I know people told me not to be friends with you because you were bad news but I knew what it was like to have people say things about you and judge you. I saw myself in you and I wanted to give you the chance that I would hope someone would give me. I was afraid however of getting too close with you because usually when I get close to someone its all downhill from there. I have never been accepting of my past and it has caused me so much PTSD and depression that I cant seem to let go of it. If people want to know who I am then they have to hear about my past because my past made me who I am. I know that it must have been hard trying to crack me open and to get me to finally talk but when I did, just know it meant that you were important to me. I don’t open up to everyone especially about such personal things and the fact I did for you means I cared about you very much. Opening up about my past just reminds me of how real it all was and reminded me of how I felt and you being someone more logical than emotional it was hard for me to talk about things because I know you wouldn’t really have the best advice or the best response. But to me, you were my person and you were that individual who somehow managed to get me from my darkest spot back into the sun and that’s why I relied on you so much. I knew if I had to rely on myself I wouldn’t make it, but you said you were there for me and that I could count on you and I did. But I realize I counted on you too much. I was just scared of giving up and I knew I couldn’t be strong for myself. I didn’t want you to give me a lecture; I just wanted you to be there and to just remind me that someone is there for me. It was hard having this type of relationship with you when you liked someone else. And it made it harder when this someone else would glare at me and not talk to me because I talked to you. I didn’t want to come between you two, which is why I tried to end our friendship so many times. I knew I couldn’t rely on you knowing you had to be support for someone else. I couldn’t text you all the time and see you all the time when I was sad because I know you had to do that for someone else. I knew that the more we talked and the more you believed in me the more I would start to fall you and that would be just terrible. Its not falling for you as a person that’s terrible, it’s falling for a person that likes someone else and it’s also a person that’s so different than what you wanted. I wasn’t sure if my feelings came about just because you gave me attention or because there was something real there. I believe in that click and that connection. It was the connection you described as unique. But so many people were warning me about you and the more we fought the more what they said seemed to be true. But I always apologized after fighting because I knew part of it had to do with me and my emotions and my lack of trust. I don’t know how to be in any type of relationship with a guy and unfortunately I f***ed up the one that meant the most to me. No matter how many times we fought or how many times you made me cry you were still the number one person in my life. I cared about you more than anyone and I would have done anything for you. I know it must have been hard seeing me give up so many times on you but it was only because I felt that it would be the best decision for both of us and because I didn’t want you to have to deal with me anymore. I know I can be frustrating and it must be hard being friends with me but don’t think I don’t notice this. I know how much work it can be and your friendship meant the world to me. Every time we fought I could feel my heart breaking because I didn’t want to lose you. When you told me you asked her out I got upset because I was afraid you wouldn’t be there anymore. I knew I couldn’t rely on you anymore because you had to be that reliability for someone else. I knew that my first kiss wouldn’t be with you anymore because you would be kissing her. I wanted my first kiss to be with someone special and you were that special person. So when you told me you asked her I felt my heart drop. I acted like I didn’t fall for you but I did. You were the unexpected person I would never see myself dating but in the end, you became the one person I wanted to date. I know you don’t know this but I started self-harming again because of you. Because of the things you said to me and the times we fought it brought back to many memories for me and I began to feel like I didn’t belong. When I told you I was suicidal it seemed like you didn’t care. So many times I cried for you and so many times I bled because of you and I still loved you. I was just so sick of the fighting all the time because it was killing me every time. It hurt my heart seeing you but not being able to say hi. It hurt seeing you sit alone knowing I cant sit with you. It hurt watching the new superhero movie trailers knowing I couldn’t see it with you or talk to you about it. And then that day happened. The day we fought like it was World War Three. The day I will never forget because of what you said. You told me I was worthless, not worth being friends with, that I was the worst person you ever met and the worst friend you’ve ever had. You told me I was drama and that I had no place in your life and to just go away. Go away. I told you every single part of my life and every single nook and cranny and at the end of the day, you sum me up as the worst person you’ve ever met. You knew that I was suicidal and you told me to go away. As if you didn’t care if I died or not. I remember reading your words and just breaking apart as I read them. For a second I felt nothing but shock. You confirmed my biggest fears in life that the people who ruined me were right by what they said. The person I cared about more than anything told me I was nothing. All I remember that weekend is wanting to die. I wanted to go away like you told me to . Why should someone who is worthless be given a chance at living? It seemed like my past was a way to kill me not strengthen me. But that weekend I have never wanted to die so much in my life. I repeated your words over and over in my head and as I cut myself I read them to myself saying over and over again how worthless I was. I remember just wanting to jump into the ocean or traffic and just be done with it. I knew you didn’t care about me or how I was feeling which killed me even more. I remember feeling nothing. I felt nothing because of you. Seeing you for the first time since that fight killed me. You were with her, the one you probably leaned on. You didn’t care. Hearing things from the people I thought were my friends made it even worse. People praised you for how well you handled our fight. Of course you did. I didn’t tell you you were worthless. I didn’t tell you you were the worst person I’ve ever met because you aren’t. And then I find out all these things about you I never even knew. You told me I was your best friend but yet I knew nothing about you. What even were we? Seeing you all the time was so hard for me. So badly I wanted us to talk. I wanted you to say those words “it wasn’t true”. I wanted you to tell me I wasn’t worthless and I wasn’t the worst person you ever met. But I’m waiting for an apology I’m never going to get. Seeing you with her kills me too. I knew that we both liked each other. Maybe that could have been us. But do I want to be with a guy who said those things to me and made me want to die? I don’t know. Why can’t I ever escape you? Now you’re living in my building next year. Why. Why does it have to be like this? Why cant I text you all happy saying we can visit each other as much as we like because we are in the same building. Why can’t I text you saying how we can have superhero movie marathons in our room all night long. Why can’t I hug you telling you how much I care about you and that I forgave you the minute you told me I was worthless? I know why. Because you don’t care.