Just short of 2012 I bought my best friend.  You might ask me, how do you buy a best friend?  Was it a dog, a cat.. a fish?  A human?  No, actually, it was a horse.  The day that I bought “Happy” was the day that I was thrown something unexpected, but for the best.  The three years that I spent with him were three years of glory and glee.  Over the span of time, I taught him many lessons.  But more importantly, he taught me how to be a good person.  Again, you might question me as to how I think a horse could make me a good person.  To be honest, when I first started out in this “horse world” I wouldn't have believed that either. 

But it is quite possible. 

He taught me unbelievable lessons.  Not only in the riding aspect of things, but in the real world.  He taught me how to be confident and brave.  After being made fun of day after day, taking all of the hatred and all of tease from my fellow individuals for riding horses and having a best friend as a horse.  I learned how to walk through the hallways with a brave face and a confident inclination.  He taught me purpose that everyone has a purpose in the world.  We were all put here to do something special, whether it is to ride horses, to sweep floors, or to fight crime.  I learned that what you do should never matter to anyone other than you, and only you.  If it puts a smile on your face and fills an empty spot in your heart, then why does it matter what anyone else ever thought of you?

He taught me toughness.
He taught me love.
He taught me friendship.
Most importantly, he taught me what life was really about.

I started to fathom the most important things in life.  I learned how to appreciate every day.  How to live every day like its your last.  I understood what it meant to have responsibilities and how to handle them correctly.  How to have a good attitude and be respectful.  Surprisingly enough, these are all things that my horse had taught me.  Well surprising for everyone but me I guess.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love my parents with all my heart, and they have grown me to be the person I am today, but I will say that Happy helped make me understand all of the things that I had learned throughout the past 15 years.  He helped me comprehend these things and appreciate life.  And that alone is something that I will never be able to thank him enough for. 

Hap and I had a spectacular record.  When we first met and I rode him for the first time, things were very difficult, as they were for the rest of the time that we spent together.  We both started as beginners and ended as not so much beginners.  Hap and I worked through every single tough ride together.  He helped me and I helped him.  I worked through the blood, the sweat, the sore muscles, the exhaustion, the stress, and the anger all to make him what he deserved to be. 

Let me just tell you that all of that work most certainly paid off.  Not just for him, but for me too.  We learned together and we did everything as a team.  And I mean everything.  Everything from giving him a bubble bath, to showing him in the ring at a Double A horse show.  Through all of these times and all of this work, we had gained something.  Something strong.  Something that was so silent yet so loud.  A friendship, transformed into a bond, and a bond grew into a love.  A love that will never be neglected.  It was silent yet unbreakable, and it was so powerful that it touched most people that we knew.  Even if they weren't a horse person. 

We were best friends and nothing came between it and nothing changed it.  We inspired people, we were leaders.  We went to every show with confidence and happy faces.  That seemed to have taken us very far and earn us many accomplishments.  That was who we became known to be.  We were Happy Go Lucky and Bailey.  Some would say we were the intimidating pair, the sweet pair, the easy to beat pair.  Everyone had a different opinion about us, but most of all we were just known as “the” pair.  We did something so unlike everyone else.  We portrayed some sort of magic.  It's indescribable.  And that was what got us recognized.  Yet all of the recognition in the world never mattered to me.  The only thing that ever mattered to me was walking in the barn and seeing his baby face with his extra large ears run to the stall door.  That was what mattered.  Not the ribbons, or the money.  Not the recognition, or the success.  I only cared about the love that had been found over those three years.  And if that was all I had in the world, I would have been completely content.  The purchase of my best friend was very unexpected at the time, but it all happened for a reason.  And I am more than happy to say that it all happened for the better.  This horse changed my life in ways I will never be able to describe.

Just recently, something even more unexpected was thrown at me.  On Tuesday, March 24, it was just a normal day.  Happy had been dealing with some issues that we thought would be easily worked out.  I was on my way to my second period Spanish class.  When I walked into the classroom my teacher told me I had an early dismissal.  I had no idea what it was for.  The first thing that came to my head was Happy.  I was shaking and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.  I got my things and walked to the office.  They told me my step-mom was picking me up.  That was unusual, she never left work.  I waited for 20 minutes when I saw the car pull up.  My mom got out first, and then my step mom.  I walked out of the main entrance doors and they were both crying.  All I thought was, “Wow I have never wanted to be in Spanish class more.”  They told me that Happy had passed away.  Before any more words came out of their mouths, mine dropped to the floor in a scream.  Not really, a cry, but a scream.  I fell to the floor of the outside of my school, while everyone in the office saw me, and heard me better. 

I just remember sitting there screaming and crying trying to fathom why something so wrong and so horrible had to happen to me.  I eventually forced my weak and helpless body into the car.  I went to see him at the farm.  I got there and everyone was gathered around drowning in the puddles of their tears.  We were not even stopped moving before I jumped out of the car as fast as I could.  Everyone tried to hug me and tried to comfort me, but really it wasn't worth trying.  Nothing would make the pain go away and nothing would make him come back.  I eventually gained the courage to see him.  I never thought that a day like this would ever come.  I walked slowly over to him, and I just screamed and cried even more.  I laid with his lifeless body and just cried.  I felt his cheek, and his ears.  I talked to him and tried to think that everything would be okay.  This continued for about 30 minutes while everyone else stood away from us and just cried. 

We gathered his things and I walked around just filling up with memories and tears at the same time.  My wailing just grew louder and louder through the day.  It was non-stop.  Uncontrollable.  When I went home none of us wanted to be alone.  I invited friends over and we framed pictures of Happy and dedicated a wall in my room to him.  It took us all day but in a way it was good.  Although we had memories of him all around us, it kept us occupied.  Only with the good memories and the good times that we shared together, none of the bad.  But it didn't really hit me until I sat down.  In silence, I was able to drown myself in thoughts.  I laid on my bed with my two best human friends, but the room came to a dead silence.

You could hear a pin drop. 

This was the only time during the whole day where I actually processed my day.  And then, suddenly, the quiet room wasn't so quiet anymore.  A sudden outburst of crying and screaming came from my mouth.  They both comforted me, well at least they tried considering they were crying just as hard as me.  This continued for maybe an hour.  Most of the time I was asking why it had to happen. I was asking typical questions and saying typical things.  Although they are never things I ever thought I would have to say.  While contemplating my day, I started to become even more empty and even more mystified.  It is pretty much safe to say, this was the absolute, 100%, worst day of my life.

After this, we tried to sleep.  None of us really could.  Although I believe I was the only one still thinking.  I was just confused.  There is no other word to explain it other than that.  I needed to know why something like this would happen to me.  Why something so horrible had to be true.  It was like a nightmare that I couldn't seem to wake up from.  In fact, I think I said that.  I told my mom that this was a dream and I just wasn't awake yet.  It just seemed so unfair.  It still seems so unfair. 

I am not able to understand something like this.  Why something so special, and so powerful has to be taken away.  Why a best friend to a girl, a star in the show ring, a goofball in the barn had to be taken away from me?  I always believed that the world needed more “Happys” in it.  I thought that the world needed to be filled with more joyful, content, playful people in the world.  And it will never make sense to me why the one Happy that we had in the world, had to be stolen from us. 

After that day, my life didn't seem like my life anymore.  My world didn't seem like my world anymore.  And me, well,  I didn't seem like me anymore.  As the days passed, it got worse and worse.  For others it got better, but for me every other day without him was just another day without the other half of me.  Every morning I would wake up, was just another dreadful day without the best part of the person that I had become.  Everyday was just another day that, I, Bailey, was just less and less. 

Everyone would continue to tell me that I was so strong.  That I was remarkable.  Strangers were calling me.  It was insanity.  Everyone really did think that my behaviors were astonishing.  But what no one really knew was that I was just an expert at covering up my emotions.  Sure, I smiled and stayed strong around people.  If someone would cry, I wouldn’t.  I thought that I needed to be strong for everyone else.  But that “smile” was never real.  It didn't mean anything.  It was just there to cover up what was actually behind it.  No one knew the pain I was feeling. Behind closed doors, that smile never appeared.  It was mostly tears. 

Everyone would always say “yes, I understand” or “I know how hard it is.”  Those words infuriated me.  No one understood this.  No one would ever be able to make sense of the pain inside of me.  It was like a monster.  It ate at my thoughts, my focus, my behaviors, my mood.  Everything.  But what can I say, all monsters are human.  It was a torture that grew to be so harsh.  I would sit in my room, and cry.  Scream maybe.  The silence and the alone time was never good for me.  Those times always meant more time to think.  More time to reminisce.  Even in school.  It didn't have to be silent and I didn't have to be alone.  Really it was no matter where I was or what I was doing.  My mind always traveled back to Happy and that horrendous day somehow, some way.  It was like it was patched in my brain and torn from my heart.  THAT was the feeling that no one understood. I thought so much.  In my mind, I never thought that someone so young had to be filled with so much pain.  It didn't seem right. 

Although these times were full of so much despondency, I realized something.  I realized that I really did appreciate every moment with Happy.  I remember every ride.  Every day spent with him just like it was yesterday.  I could give you a detail from every day I saw him.  We have plenty of stories.  Some bad, some good, some funny, and some just completely unforgettable. 

One day that I remember so well was the day that I was sick with a horrible head cold.  I didn’t go to school.  I slept and slept and laid in bed.  But when I woke up, I insisted on going to see Happy, and to my surprise I was actually allowed.  It was so cold outside.  I got into the car and looked at my mom and said, “Holy crap it has to be like -2 degrees outside right now.”  But did I care? No.  Because I was going to see my best friend.  I got to the barn and opened his gate.  His gate that was so freaking stubborn to open.  I sat in his stall for about and hour and a half.  And for that entire time, he stood right next to me.  If he could have laid in my lap, he would have.  He was biting my jacket, and my hair.  He was picking my feet up by my tall brown Uggs and throwing them.  Tearing pieces of fur out of them and tossing them around his stall.  It was almost as if he knew that I was sick.  But the one thing that I significantly remember from that day, was a smile on my face.  I was taking pictures and videos. In each one, there is a huge, beaming smile from ear to ear on my face.  Not because of anything but Happy.  And that was his power.  He was the reason that the true smile was always on my face.  And that is one thing that I will never be able to thank him enough for.  These were the things that I would miss.  I would miss the true happiness that he brought to me.  I was unable to ever think that I would feel that kind of contentment again.  For me, Happles was just around for a part of my life.  The most important, most amazing, happy part of my life.  But for him, I was his whole life.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.  To be able to have given him the life that he deserved. But, I will be forever thankful for the part of my life that he gave me. 

Something that this horrid situation has brought me to understand is that every rider has that one special horse that changes everything about them.

Happy was my special horse.