Suffering comes in many different forms. There hasn’t been a day in the last year and a half that has gone by where I haven’t suffered at least once. It is things like my broken family, the four, short hours of sleep I get every night, and the pressure I feel from my coaches every weekend to be the absolute best that make this suffering constant. There are moments that are surely better than others, but throughout all of them I am forced to confront my biggest opponents: anxiety and depression.

Many people experience anxiety in their everyday life. Whether it is before an important interview or a major test, everyone has felt that occasional anxiety at least once that leaves him or her with that “butterfly” feeling of emptiness in their stomach. My anxiety is different. Sure, it shows itself during these “predictable” moments, and that butterfly feeling comes with it; however, it also shows up out of no where, making it hard to avoid all while it gets harder to breathe, sit still, and stay calm. It is able to interfere with my everyday activities and has grown worse over time- classifying it as a disorder; I am someone with an anxiety disorder.

I can feel it getting closer and closer, as my heart rate picks up and my hands weaken, and begin to tremble. I realize it has taken hold of my body when all of my limbs act as though they have their own minds, leaving me unable to stay still. Just when I think it’s over, the anxiety begins to affect my mind. It is as if my brain starts everyday as an organized office space; several tall file cabinets lined up in a row, all labeled with drawers that are filled shut with various pieces of important information. However, as my daily crisis becomes more relevant, so does the storm in my brain. The cabinet’s crash to the floor, the drawers detach and dump onto their side, and all of the critical information is left to form an enormous tornado that spins through my head. I have never been able to study enough hours or repeat enough encouraging phrases to myself to make this storm go away. It comes, like clockwork, but always manages to be a surprise.

Anxiety disorders have the unique power to occur alongside other mental afflictions, with the driving force to mask their potential harm or to disguise their severity. My anxiety’s associate is depression. The anxiety created tornado in my mind, when accompanied by depression, gains enormous dark clouds, whipping cold air, and never ending rain- all making themselves at home in my head.

A depressive disorder is similar to an anxiety disorder, as it interferes with daily life and its activities. Involving the body, mood, and thoughts, depression is not simply just a weakness that people can “get over”, but rather a serious illness that can almost always never be solved without specific treatment. Depression differs for each individual, but the most common symptoms amongst all the types of the disorder include: inability to work, sleep, and eat.

My depression isn’t as constant as my anxiety; but when it arrives, it immerses itself deeply into my life, easily affecting my ability to tackle all of my current challenges and activities. What seem like simple tasks: doing homework, going to sports practice, and seeing friends suddenly become unfathomable problems I no longer have motivation for. A bubble of vulnerability, one that seems to keep the negative inside while the positive rapidly gets filtered out, surrounds me as I walk through the halls. My head is so heavy I question whether it belongs on my shoulders or a giant’s, my eyes are filled with so much sorrow that sometimes I question whether the world is actually colored or is just dull with only black and white, and I am unable to hear my laughter, leaving me believing I have gone mute. The good days are when my mind is able to overcome depression’s company, diverting my thoughts and emotions from the demanding personality of this “acquaintance”.  The bad days, however, are those where the presence of depression is too much for my defenseless, feeble body to handle. Some of these imperfect moments, like when I spent a whole school day with my only goal being to convince myself I am not good enough, lead me to only finding comfort with the feeling of the damp fabric of my tear covered pillow on my cheek, as I lie still on my bed for hours on end. Other times my mind generates the conclusion that nothing has the power to release the pain depression has brought me, but the presence of more pain. These few times have caused my physical appearance to experience the damage my interior does, as small, self-made wounds cover confidential places of my fragile body.

From how it reads, my opponents seem to cause more damage in my life than anything else; something I convinced myself was true for the longest time. It wasn’t until the day their aggression got so severe, that I was driven to finally seek advice. I was able to begin confiding in someone by simply speaking out loud and sharing my story. Everyday for the past year and a half, this person, holding the weight of all my trust on their shoulders, has not only shown me ways to overcome my daily dilemmas, but has also given me reasons to believe in myself and my personal strength.

I am still a person with an anxiety disorder, as well as someone with depression; however, it was my daily struggle with both that led me to seek help and find my strength. Although I am nowhere near perfect, I am now able to pop the bubble of darkness that sometimes surrounds me. This helps me focus on keeping positive things close to me, while letting others help me clear my menacing tornado, instead of tackling it alone.

Sources Used:
"Anxiety Disorders." National Institute of Mental Health. 1 May 2015. Web. 25 Oct. 2015.
"Psychology Today." Depressive Disorders. 20 Oct. 2014. Web. 30 Oct. 2015.