I quickly made my way through the almost completely derelict dining room of Puerto Vallarta. My core and fingertips tingled with anticipation and excitement as I noticed our table set up with vivid blue and pink ‘‘Bottle Pops’’. I sat down kitty-corner to Brian, as my brother and Keleen had finally shuffled in. Keleen and Brian are cheerfully married; they both mean so much to me. Light from a window nearby poured in on the scene, making the moment angelic and special. Brian, grinning from ear to ear said “Guess what the Bottle Pops are for”. I had instantaneously known. The candy itself, Bottle Pops, had been representing a baby, while the colors, blue and pink were symbolising an unharmful stereotype of boys and girls.  “You are pregnant!!” I say, looking at Keleen. A look of absolute and complete glee had spread across my face. The amount of joy and satisfaction I had felt during that moment could not have amounted to anything.

At last, I would have someone to foster and love. Someone to hold and to play with. I could be just like my maternal role models; just like my Mom and Keleen.

Five months later Keleen and Brian were far enough along in their pregnancy to learn whether or not our baby was a boy or a girl. I had been excited and greatly anticipating the moment when I would hear the sex of our baby. Which was why I was absolutely thrilled when I heard the news that Keleen would be coming over just after the ultrasound had been completed to share the conclusion. It warmed my heart that she did not want me to hear the results over the phone or through an email, but instead face to face. Keleen arrived at my family’s house moments later with the company of Lindsay, Alisa and Karen. Everyone had been wearing an iridescent smile. Keleen wore three bright pink ponytail ties around her wrist for good luck. As Keleen delivered the news my face lite up brighter than the Sun. “It is a girl!” My chest was exploding from pure delight and amusement. She and I would grow up together and share many unforgettable memories. I could not wait.

After nine months of expecting and excitement, the big day had finally come, Keleen went into labor. I heard the news at approximately 8:30pm, right before I had to go to bed and long after the sun went down. Gratification and suspense kept me up, and held me back from dreaming that night. I could not help but imagine what my life would be like and how different everything would be in the future, with our new prize. At last I would be taking on the role of an older role model and mentor.

That morning everyone was a little gloomier. I asked if I could go to the hospital and hold our new little girl. My mom repeatedly said no. I was so confused and frustrated. Why couldn’t I meet her and see her beautiful newborn face? Suddenly, I realized why they did not want me there. They did not want me to see everyone crying and agonizing over the unbearable truth that she was dead. That Addison Eloise was still born. I felt as if I was in an infinite deep, dark hole. Every time I tried to escape, I was buried deeper and deeper, until I simply could not breath. I could not bear the pain of never hearing her laugh or seeing her smile.The wound was deep and nothing could ever truly heal it.

It was discouraging to see fortunate families with recently born little girls trotting around happier than ever. Everywhere I went, I felt as if people were mocking me. Young mothers would laugh and play with their little treasures in public. In every instance, I would feel like my stomach dropped to my feet. I was rancorous with jealousy and the recurring thought that this feeling of complete happiness and joy could have been mine.

Addison Eloise will truly be missed. Everyday, there will be, and has been, an empty spot in our hearts hopelessly waiting to be filled with giggles and little pink shoes. I had always wanted someone to take care of; someone to cry for and to teach. That someone came in a loving package that was sent to heaven; instead of our anticipating, loving arms merely five years ago. I will never forget our sweet little girl that was born into heaven.