Being smart isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. People tend to think that just because you’re smart, you don’t have to try as hard in school. I mean, school’s just the easiest thing in the world, right? The bar is never too high, sleepless nights spent doing work, and panic attacks just don’t exist if you’re ‘gifted’. No, of course they don’t because you’re too smart to let those things happen. Man, your life must be so easy, just flying through school like that.
I’ll be the first to tell you that all this is bullshit. Never had to study? Nice, but now you don’t know how to study for that AP Chem test tomorrow. That bar that people seem to think can never be too high is nigh on unreachable...and yet we reach. Somehow, we pull through but at what cost? A night of no sleep? That has no effect on people, though, right? Cause the ‘gifted’ have higher brain functioning that can withstand that, right? Wrong. Lack of sleep negatively affects everyone and shorten the average lifespan by 15%. On average, that’s almost 12 years shaved off the tail end of your life.
Oh, but mental health is all good, right? You’re too smart to let it get too far. Mental health? Tch. That was never a priority. School was and always will be: All Important. Ask a teacher, "What’s the most important thing?" and they’ll likely say, "Homework". Ask your parent the same question and the answer will be, "School." Your coach will say, "The game." Your employer? "Work." The voice that’s developed in your head agrees with your parents. What’s the problem here? No one claimed that mental health is the most important thing to keep hold of. If that runs free, what happens? Anxiety, depression, and even lashing out. Reclusiveness. Isolating yourself from your family and friends because you don’t think you’re good enough. You begin to overthink every little thing anyone has ever said. Everything that you’ve ever said. And, over time, it starts to affect your mindset.
Even if your expectations for yourself begin to drop with the realization that maybe you can’t do this, that doesn’t change the views of other people. As far as they know, you’re in peak health and you are fully capable of handling everything on your own...but you’re not. Other people still push you harder and it becomes too much to stand. They think they’re doing something good, pushing you to your full potential, when really, you’re being hyperextended, pressured past your limits, but not a word escapes your mouth about it. Because you don’t want to disappoint them. Because you don’t want to let them down. Because you don’t want to fail. Because you don’t think you can live to see yourself fail those you care about. Instead, you put on a smile and keep going. There is no time for rest with so much to do, after all. Go to school, get a job, work until you die, right?
This may sound like the stress can be easily relieved by ceasing to care about what other people think but it’s not that easy. Sure, it might be a personal choice to care about what other people think of you, but it is often an unavoidable one, especially if you were raised to impress people. All my life, my mother has nagged me about how important school is, and I agree. School is important. But it should not be the only thing you have room for. If and when it gets to the point you no longer have time for socializing and family, it’s gone too far. As a race, humans need social contact. Experiments have proven that humans strive for acceptance, and feel terrible when they’re rejected. Now imagine that the acceptance you strive for is to be perfect. Straight A’s in school--even with all weighted classes, play multiple sports, be in organizations like the National Honor Society, have a large group of friends, hang out with your friends often, and be completely friendly all the time. Pick 3. But make sure you save time for relaxation and homework and sleep and eating and staying healthy all around. With that added, there is not enough time in the day for any more than 5 or 6 and yet you are still expected to fulfill at least 10 of those.
It’s hard.
The feeling you get when you just can’t handle it anymore is even worse.
Now, what? Talk about your feelings? To whom? Your parents? All they say is that "You didn't have to take all those weighted classes." And what? Face your incessant questions about why I’m not trying hard enough by taking simpler classes? See the looks on your faces when you look at me and think of all the potential I wasted by taking lower level classes? No thanks. I already get more than enough judgement from you as it is.
When you begin to have a panic attack, nothing matters and yet everything matters too much. Tears fall freely and there’s nothing you can do but wait until you can rationalize the matter enough in your mind to calm down. You could ask for help, but what good would that really do for you? Rack up doctor bills, put you on expensive medicine, maybe even get you to a therapist? We don’t have that kind of money.
Some days, you just have to sit back and think everything through. That’s how I came to realize that it is my fault. I’m under all this pressure because I showed people what I was capable of and now they expect more. Before, having all A’s an achievement. Now that I’ve done it for so long, it’s an expectation. I was--unwittingly and unwillingly--placed that bar too high. I was given wings and I took to the sky. Little did I know that those wings were never really mine. A trial, if you will. A sample of the easy life, of freedom. Now, like all free trials, those wings have been rescinded and payment must be made before they come back. But what price does that kind of freedom come at? Sanity? Stability? A life? Heh, you never know what you’ve gotten yourself into until it’s too late, I guess.
But what I’ve also learned through my days spent sitting is that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to vent. It’s okay to have emotion and feel like the world is ending because you physically cannot finish that homework assignment. It’s not your fault all the time. It’s a good thing to try your best and an even better thing to keep marching on through the rain. I’ve learned through experience that no matter what happens, no matter how hard s*** hits the fan or how fast that fan is going, it’s going to be okay. I understand now that feelings are valid and important but not all ruling. Just because you don’t think you can do it doesn’t mean that you can’t. There is still hope and I wish I would have known that 2 years ago. I wish I would have know that 2 weeks ago. I wish I would have realized this before I wrote this.
I know this whole composition is a mess, but it is the honest truth, just as it comes. Sometimes you need validation and sometimes the only person that can come from is yourself. Sometimes the only approval that you need is your own. I think that in these pages and through the tears of the past, I have begun to realize and understand this. It’s hard to go on when everything is wrong, but not impossible. Sometimes, all you need to do is press through the barriers--physical and mental--that are stopping you.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t feel sad or cry because there is someone out there having a worse day or a worse life than you. If that type of reasoning was true, only one person would be allowed to cry. It sounds stupid, but sometimes it makes everything better just to write it all down or to let it all out. You don’t have to tell everything to the people you’re confiding in, but it helps untangle the knot in your chest when you divulge to someone.
It may have taken me 16 years and half of a Creative Writing assignment to really work this through, but now that I have, I feel like things are going to be better. I’ve yet to read through this, and I don’t think I really want to, and I know it’s a little late, but it was worth it. I am now entrusting you with this sugar-coated version of my truth and I hope that it does not reach the eyes or ears of others. I don’t fancy having to repeat all this to anyone.