Yesterday I felt like bursting into tears, sob as loud as my throat could handle. I imagined choking on my own saliva, gasping for air in an uneven beat. Thinking this brought me pleasure. But...somehow I refused to give in, I'm probably too weak. Instead, I cried silent tears. Not because she was gone, but because I kept replaying that moment over and over in my head. The sound of my sister yelling her name as if saying "Don't leave!! Stay with me!!!" Of course, the pleading was useless to her agonizing body begging for peace. It feels so wrong to think just seconds before she was wagging her tail. Just seconds before, she felt joy. It's really, really wrong.

But today...I feel nothing. Yes, I accept she's gone. I accepted it the moment her heart stopped beating. It scares me to think I can go on with my normal routine without someone who was such a big part of my childhood. Once in a while though, I still get stings of pain from her absence. Like when I had to type in her name to access my computer, (not recommended I know) or when I was certain I heard her cry like when she wanted to come in the house. God, I miss that sound. It's times like those when those feelings come rushing back again, but even then I don't give in to the sorrow. I know she deserves better.

It's surreal to me how one minute someone can be here, and the next be completely erased from existence. To me, that is the betrayal of life. But I’ll always love her, I’m just sorry even a heart so pure like hers can’t last forever.