I am trapped. I am a butterfly barred in a thorn bush until I can leave behind my own depression and pain. Every move I seem to make the thorns dig deeper into my wings stopping me from flying away. The pain seemed to take control of my life, until i didn’t know myself from it. There is a lump in my throat as I would go about my day, faking a smile, showing the happiness that I wish I had felt. It never seems to go away. But I cannot show the pain I feel, because even though the pain is there, I know it and I cannot cause anyone else the same hurt.

It is funny. Every day I walk through these halls, showing everyone around me what they want to see, even though inside I am breaking like glass. My head down I try to go through these hall without being noticed. “Hey, Mormon. what are you doing? Get out of my way can’t you see that I am walking here?” Every day it seems to be the same thing, day after day, in and out never ending.

I have finally learned. I have learned how to walk quickly between classes, with my head down. Following the walls of the hallway, avoiding running into those around me. My long hair covers my face and eyes like a long cape, hiding me from others views. But no matter what I try  to do, to those around me I am a target.

“Hay retard! What are all those books for?” The crack of my books hitting the floor seems to echo unceasingly. As my stuff gets kicked around, my tormenter turns, “you know I’m only kidding right?” Painstakingly I turn and look up at her. She looks down at me, her question in her eyes, as I kneel at her feet gathering my things. “Yes I know.” What else am I supposed to say? I guess I should be used to this by now.

Walking through these halls, I am surrounded by people I know and people I don’t. Even with
everyone around me, I am completely alone. I can’t seem to get past, the complete emptiness that suffocates me, holding me in its death grip.

“Why can’t you be normal?” the voices in my head never stop screeching and screaming at me. “There is nothing wrong with me. I am ok, I am normal.” I try to convince myself, but I never believe it.

“Help, someone please help me. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Please help.” Over and over I beg, completely alone. I am completely and utterly defeated. All alone day in and day out. All that is left for me to do is to give up, to give in…

All of this is just a memory now, one that I cannot forget. From where I was to where I am, the difference seems wide as an ocean. I never was as alone as I had believed.  Life is funny that way. Even at rock bottom there was someone there for me sending down a ladder, I just have to climb. I may not be where I want to be, but I continue to climb. Looking forward to the day when I reach the top of the ladder and I can be ok again.