What bothers me the most about being a person with a bubbly personality is that people are surprised when you express that you aren’t always happy. When I casually mention in conversation that I’ve been feeling down or I’m having a problem, almost automatically I’m met with the “But you’re always so happy!” or the “You never have problems, you’re always so happy!” But here’s the thing; bad things happen to everyone, including the girl that sits next to you in class that always has a smile on her face.

People always go on and on about how someone has it worse off than you and that you should just deal with it and move on. But what if you can’t? What if you’re dealing with something that’s so awful that it’s too hard for you to deal with on your own?

Sexual assault, baggage that thousands of men and women deal with this every single day. And I’m a part of that number. No one understands the shame and the fear and the crushing anxiety when you’ve been forced into carrying around for God knows how long. And you never say anything. At least, I didn’t. I don’t want people to think less of me, to pity me because I’ve been violated. I’ve only told my closest friends, people I know will never think of me differently because of that one boy I should have never dated. But the more people you tell, the scarier it can get. What if Jane says something to Ally? I don’t want Ally to know because I don’t trust her.

The teachers that know, the teachers that I either told or my mother said something to always assume that when I get into a new relationship, that I’m fine. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. There’s a whole new wave of fear and anxiety that comes with dating someone that doesn’t know what happened to you. That’s maybe even harder to deal with than all of the other problems you have. When your new boyfriend asks you why you don’t have to have sex, or why you always get scared when he touches you a certain way, what happens when you tell them? Some boys will automatically feel sorry for you, will tell you that they’re sorry that someone hurt you. But most boys will tell you that they aren’t that other boy, that you shouldn’t punish him for another boy’s sins. Thankfully my boyfriend never made a big deal about it, he just told me that he would never do anything to make me uncomfortable. But that isn’t true for so many other people.

No one ever expects the “happy” to cry. We’re supposed to be the ones who hold our friends when they cry. We’re supposed to be the ones who tell everyone when things are falling apart that everything will be okay. We’re supposed to be the ones who make people smile back at us and make them laugh.

But who is there for the “happy” people?  Who’s supposed to make us laugh when we’re crying? No one really understands how awful the world could be unless you’ve been through it all. And I’m not saying I’ve been through it all. But I am saying that it isn’t right for people like me, the “happy” one, to be told it’s wrong for having problems, that I should move on and get over it because other people have more problems than I do. And other people have more problems than I do. But I shouldn’t be criticized for having problems. I shouldn’t be told that I don’t get to have problems.

So when you’re out in the world, look out for the people with loud laughs and big smiles. Look at their eyes. Are they hollow? Or are they full of life? Because those are the ones that need the most help in my opinion. The people that put everyone before themselves. Those are the people that you need to watch. Because no one ever is there for them when they need it.