If you watch the news, even if only sporadically, you have heard a handful of stories about people getting stabbed and assaulted and harassed on the bus or train. Because of stories like that I have associated a lot of negative sigmas with the train for a very long time, and until fairly recently I haven’t had to challenge those stigmas. I had parents who took me everywhere I wanted to go, but as time went on I had more and more places to be without always having someone available to take me there. The only constant, dependable (for the most part) mode of transportation was the train, where there was a chance that my soft flesh would be penetrated with a rusty screwdriver.
But as I had to make use of it more and more the train didn't seem like such a bad place. When I started out I was never really alone, I would have a friend with me and when there was someone else around I was fine, but on my own... not so much. Every time I step into a train depot I get anxiety, I try not to make eye contact with anyone and I attempt to stand as close as possible, without being creepy, to the most non-threatening looking people in the vicinity,. I sit stiffly on the bench clutching my bag to me and pretending that I’m invisible as my heart beats erratically in my chest. But despite the fear and constant vigilance that I can’t seem to shake, I manage.  The ability to take charge of my own travels always fills me with a sense of pride and independence, like if I can handle the train I handle damn near anything.
The thing about me and traveling on my own is that almost everyone I know treats it like a joke. My sense of direction isn’t really the sharpest and for the majority of my life I probably couldn't have found my way out of a wet paper bag when left to my own devices, and while I have gotten exponentially better in the last year I still have my mishaps. Like the other day. It was ironic because right before I had my little disaster I had been talking to one of my best friends, someone whom had known me through all of the train related woes, about how well equipped I had become in train taking.
I had been running errands downtown and I was trying to get home when I walked into the station, I had to refill my metrocard but of course the machine wasn’t taking any cash. Then this guy comes up to me and says: “Hey miss, I can swipe a card for you for two bucks”. my stranger danger senses immediately flare and I scurry away before looking over at the accursed broken machine, walking back, and accepting the man's deal. Of course when I walk through the turnstyle I realize that the train would be going in the wrong direction and hurry out of the depot. I decide to try the depot across the street before entering and realizing that it literally leads to the same exact place with the same exact broken machine that I just left. coming in from the other side, it occurs to me that instead of freaking out and leaving 5 minutes prior I should have taken a moment to collect my bearings and then I would have realized that there was another train I could have taken that would have brought me exactly where I wanted to go. But there was still no way to put money on my metro card and despite my spirit animal in all train related situations being an easily frightened woodland creature, I had too much pride to pay the same guy to swipe for me again. So I walk out of the station and keep walking.
Now here is the part of this story where I thank the powers that be for the creation of the smartphone. I quickly google all the stops that my train makes and try to find the nearest station. Then a flyer on the entrance to the train catches my eye, that flyer is my damnation. It states, in a mundane print that in no way conveys the malevolent message the flyer relays, that my train will not be stopping anywhere in the area. I take some time to freak out some more before remembering that multitasking is one of my skills and I can freak and walk at the same time. at this point I’m looking for any train that isn’t heading toward the city so that I can just make a transfer. and as I continue to walk I find another depot that holds several saving graces. A machine that will take cash and a train that’s heading in the right direction. Half an hour later I walk into the sunlight again and start the 10 block walk home, as I cross the street a substance (mud?) of unknown origin splashes onto my leg and I decide that maybe no one is meant to win on a Monday.