I never wanted it to end like this.
I'm still in shock; if I could rewind time I would take it back to Thursday at noon, I would kissed you harder by the tree. I wouldn't have rushed back inside no matter what I had to do. I would've held you close by my locker, put my head on your chest to feel that heartbeat again.
It's not fair that we didn't get more time. I sound like a toddler, but it's really not fair. I didn't think I'd be crying this much but honestly it feels like I haven't been able to stop, even though it comforts me to know that we are going to be friends, and that it'll all be okay.
Honestly my worst nightmare was thinking that something would happen and one day I'd cross you on the streets and wouldn't be able to look your way. Or maybe we would hold that small, meaningless conversation. Promise me that won't happen. I want it to be real.
I wish I could take it back and right these wrongs, but you really deserve someone who will be able to have more flexibility than I do right now. It's not fair to you to put up with all my crap.
I really didn't want to let you go. I didn't want it to end. I don't want to go to my locker after school and not anticipate you meeting me there to kiss me goodbye. I hate the fact that we won't be trying to sneak off during class anymore, that you won't be pulling me close while I'm sitting at the lunch table. This next while is going to be full of me just missing your fingers intertwined with mine, your hand running along my thigh. I'm going to miss your gentle hums and innocent chuckles after embraces, and that sound you made when you were taken by suprise. Every time someone calls me naughty now I'm going to want to break down. I don't think I'm going to be able to have honey for a while, either. I'm going to miss being the reason behind that smile of yours. You made me so happy, too.
I can't begin to tell you how much I wish things were different but I know we made the right decision for the situation. I jnow know right doesn't always feel good. Your lips on mine were right and felt it, too - but this? I don't think anything had hurt me so much before.
I just really want you to know I didn't want it to be this way. I'm wearing your bracelet still, your card is still on my wall. I look at our pictures from Valentines day and I smile. I'm so grateful for everything I had with you. I couldn't have asked for a better first experience, and I'm so sorry I couldn't give you more time. It already feels like part of me is missing.
I hope you'll always be happy. That you'll find love, maybe next year. I hope she is wonderful and that you fall madly in love with her because you so deserve to feel that much, to be head over heels. I always loved how romantic you were, and I know she will, too. I just hope that no matter how hard she kisses you, you will never forget how I tasted, what it felt like to have my nails run over your back, your chest, and combing through your hair. I hope you never forget our conversations or that kiss at eldon park that just changed everything. Even though it's breaking me apart thinking about it right now I will never forget those heated embraces, our so-called secret locations, the way it felt when I dangled my leg over yours. I will never forget the way it felt when you kissed my neck and my collar, determine to get me to make those sounds you loved so much. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I am crying. I wish we got to make all those plans we had into realities. I wish I'd made that last night less awkward. I wish this didn't happen. I miss you already.