He makes me so mad! I want to scream, I want to be mean, cause he drives me crazy. I have so much built up inside of me and I don't know why. He's my little brother, my buddie, the kid I do crazy stuff with and I love him so much but right now I can't stand anything he does. I keep telling myself to make it right and to change but nothing happens. The patterns repeat and I'm again sitting in my room hiding in my shame cause my mean words have turned me into a monster. That's right, a monster. A big ugly ogre with my hateful words. My words reflect who I am and they reflect me more they do him so why am I putting myself in a worse and worse position by saying these things? I keep making up reasons for myself but they're all dumb. Honestly, I need to calm down. I'm hurting myself by saying those things. I'm not the person who bully's people. In fact I'm usually the kid standing up for the person getting hurt. I'm the defender not the attacker. Yet now the tables have turned and I'm the one putting someone else down. I need to change. No. I want to change. Even though my brother can be abnoxious at times he deserves better from his sister. I can't let myself make excuses for myself, I've got to stop it while it's in the act. The thing is people always say change takes time, but I don't have time and I don't want it to take time. I want to change right now while I'm in the moment. When is there ever a better time? Thing is people say a lot of things including to live in the moment. So I guess that's what I need to do. Live in the moment. Cause that's when the most stuff happens right? I mean I chose to say those things to him in the moment so I've got to keep from saying those things and start saying better things in the moment. I've got to let my heart shine through and let my love for my baby brother shine through. I've got to love in the moment. Maybe that's what I'm missing. It's not how much you wish you could change things, but changing things as they happen so you won't live to regret them. I think that's what I was missing, but I get it now. Only thing left now is for me to try it. I need to try loving in the moment.