“Experience: The most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” (C.S. Lewis) At sixteen, I fell in love with the broken and beautiful facade of addiction. I was not an addict, but I fell in love with one who was. Perhaps “fell in love” is too strong a phrase. I cared deeply for one who was. I learned that you can be the most knowledgeable of them all and you will not win an argument against an addict. They are the hardest people to love. For how can you love someone who is flippantly manipulative? How can you love someone you can no longer trust to tell you the truth, who may no longer even be able to distinguish the truth from a lie? How can you have a relationship with someone who cannot be depended on?

I came to know him, truly know him, in the middle of my junior year. He was classic; charming, charismatic, and confident. He was all the more intriguing because he was broken and vulnerable. And much like the trap many fall into, I thought it my duty to fix him, heal him just by my presence and comfort. Let me make one thing very clear. You cannot fix another person. You cannot change another person. You can stick by him, loving him, in the midst of his mistakes and relapses, but it takes a toll on you. You will not be the same. His pain becomes yours; when he hurts you hurt. His pain became mine. At sixteen, I should have known it was far too big of a burden to bear. Sixteen is too young to be responsible for someone else’s life. Sixteen is too young to be someone’s drug. He had deep seated issues that went way beyond me, and the drugs and alcohol were his method of coping. I was not meant to save him, but it took me a while to understand that. It took me numerous nights of insomnia, lack of appetite, and months of therapy.

Loving is never a bad thing but people are sharp. Squeeze them too tight and you'll get cut. I can love him from a distance. I cannot save him, nor can I be his drug. I learned the severity of addiction, but I also learned that the breakdown is in no way beautiful. “Blood and tears do not save lives, they stop them.”