Kindness Can Go A Long Way

Downtown Cincinnati is a special place -- to me at least. I’ve grown up dining at tasteful restaurants, shopping in expensive boutiques and passing by the many upscale apartments. There is, however, a particular neighborhood within the city’s confines that I had never thought about visiting. It’s rundown, dirty and I was very skeptical of the local residents. To be honest, I was afraid of the kind of people I would meet and the types of relationships I would make. When I came across a volunteer opportunity for a kids club located at a soup kitchen in this neighborhood, I decided to pass it up. Although I spend the majority of my time doing community service, this particular activity frightened me. I didn’t want to give up my free time and have to schedule off work in order to spend time with inner-city children, knowing that our lives were completely different. I often thought to myself, how am I going to relate to them and their lifestyle? I figured I wouldn’t be able to help the kids in any way since I grew up under totally different circumstances. I soon realized that I was being judgmental and stereotypical so I committed to volunteering for just one afternoon. Since then, these kids have inspired me to go back each and every week. My narrow-mindedness and harsh judgments almost got in the way of making new friendships. I’ve learned that many of the children live with someone other than their parents, some are homeless, siblings often have different fathers, their only role models are in jail, and many of the kids have violent tempers even at young ages. Because of their unfortunate conditions and the lack of good role models, their relationships with one another are already suffering. Although my upbringing is different from theirs, one thing is clear: we all need to start building relationships with kindness and compassion for one another. Through my experiences at Kid’s Club, I’ve learned that as a society we need to establish our relationships on the basis of respect, empathy and acceptance rather than discrimination, judgments and labels.

Discrimination has dominated the world for centuries. Whether it’s directed at different races, distinct religions or in today’s society, sexualities, it continues to ruin lives. The international LGBT community, for example, has fought long and hard against discriminating actions, cruel terms and hurtful injustices. Although this new “year started off positively for supporters of LGBT equality,” those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender continue to get shunned. (Mak) Recently, the nation has been haunted by the suicide of a young transgender, Leelah Alcorn -- born as Joshua Alcorn. Her parents had previously forced her into conversion therapy. Their objective was for her to be heterosexual even though this was against Leelah’s intentions. After unwillingly going through several “treatments” and putting up with so much abuse, she was fed up. She wrote to her mom and dad in a suicide note, "You just can't control other people like that." (Coolidge)
Her unheard cries for help have outraged much of the general public. According to the petition created to ban conversion therapy in her honor, “Transgender youth has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation” (Transgender Human Rights Institute). Leelah had stated, “My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say ‘that's [messed] up’ and fix it. Fix society. Please.” Leelah was right—the suicide rate is too high.
“The number of suicide attempts among respondents to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS), conducted by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and National Center for Transgender Equality, is 41 percent, which vastly exceeds the 4.6 percent of the overall U.S. population who report a lifetime suicide attempt, and is also higher than the 10-20 percent of lesbian, gay and bisexual adults who report ever attempting suicide.” (Jody L. Herman) 

In January of 2014, the same survey showed that transgenders who were discriminated, victimized, and rejected by families and friends have had a much higher risk of attempting suicide. (Jody L. Herman)  If discrimination causes so much pain and torment, ruins countless lives, and destroys so many crucial relationships what would a world without it look like? Confused teens could be given more encouragement, instead of more putdowns. Society would be more empathetic towards individuals and their way of life. Differences and unique characteristics might actually be appreciated. If our communities strive towards kindness, compassion and acceptance of others when trying to form effective relationships, so many lives could be saved. 

Discrimination, stereotypes and labels not only appear in the headlines but also are common in our day-to-day lives. I’ve found that hateful labels and harsh generalizations are often made in our own schools’ hallways. As soon as we reach high school, the social hierarchy is easily recognizable. In order to meet our basic needs of respect, acceptance and affection we need to have a stable and reliable group of friends.  (02. Interpersonal Relationships) Establishing ourselves as distinctly different cliques, however, only restricts us from making potential friendships with those who have alternative interests. (Teens Health) The definition of a “clique” even states, “A small group of people...who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them.” (Google) Unfortunately, cliques range from one end of the spectrum to the other. For many researchers, a survey recently taken of “4,200 students in 8th, 9th and 10th grades in North Carolina” has changed the perspective on cliques and rivalries within schools. The students were asked to “name the five kids who were mean to them in the last three months.” They were asked about “their levels of depression, anger, anxiety, and distress, and to map out where they fit on the school's social network. Researchers found that kids take down social rivals—and that it's those kids who are taken down that reported higher levels of distress.” (The Take Away)

This unfortunate rivalry between cliques is highly anticipated in today’s society and modern pop culture. Mean Girls, for example, has reinforced the idea behind the high school hierarchy. According to this popular movie, living in a world full of stereotypical jocks, preps, nerds and “plastics” is inevitable. Is it really, though? Although Mean Girls seems to be the most relatable movie for high school teenagers, it represents a false end-all-be-all aspect of cliques. John Hughes and The Breakfast Club, however, provide a revolutionary way of thinking when it comes to the average teenager’s world. This particular movie focuses on five teenagers from various cliques as they spend a day in detention. Although labels and assumptions persist in keeping them apart, they use empathy to see past it all. Through John Hughes’ “universe of nerds and jocks, socialites and misfits, rockers and rebels and not to mention overbearing principals, clueless teachers and absentee parents,” he has created “an ideal of American youth that has allowed for idiosyncrasy and growth, and that cliques [can] reliably be broken down.” (Murphy) The Breakfast Club is merely a movie. The characters aren’t real and the plot is fictional, but the innovative ideology behind it can spark a revolution. If we refuse to rely on our position within the social hierarchy, society as a whole can purge itself of snap judgments, false assumptions, and negative labels.

This change in society, however, should begin at home. The relationship between a parent and a child is the basis on which all relationships are built. “Parents are their child's first, most frequent, and most consistent partners in social instruction,” so they must provide their child with a supportive and encouraging friendship (02. Interpersonal Relationships). This important connection between a parent and a child, however, is very tricky. In many cases, parents view their children’s behaviors in a negative light. According to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of Raising Your Spirited Child, “labels can be devastating to the kids they are stuck on.” The strong-willed child, for example, is too often labeled as: stubborn, nosy, inflexible, impatient, explosive, picky and distractible. Instead of using these negative terms to describe kids, parents must “redesign” the way in which they look at their child’s misunderstood behavior. “It’s much easier for a child to build a healthy sense of self-esteem when the words used to describe him are the ones like compelling, zestful, and perceptive.” (Kurcinka) It’s important for parents to recognize this extensive difference between “old negative labels” and “new exciting labels.” (Kurcinka)  As children grow older, their parents’ actions are influential in how they view the world and how they interact with everyone living in it. If parents change the way they perceive labels, children will understand that respect for one another’s individualistic qualities, empathy for each other’s lifestyles and acceptance of one another should be the foundation of any relationship.

After several visits to Kids Club, I’ve finally realized that discrimination, stereotypes and labels get us nowhere. In fact, these putdowns, insults and hateful acts only stand in the way of vital qualities of any healthy relationship. Unfortunately, our society has grown accustomed to each of them. Whether or not we are personally discriminated, judged, stereotyped or labeled, this conduct negatively affects our everyday relationships. Lives are taken for granted, social circles are distinctly separated and labels continue to lower self-esteem. As a society, we need to change the way we perceive others, the way we view their lifestyles, and how we react to their behaviors. In order to make this change, it’s essential to rely on kindness, compassion, respect, empathy and acceptance when it comes to first impressions and building healthy relationships.

Works Cited
02. Interpersonal Relationships. 07 January 2015.
Coolidge, Sharon. Transgender teen: 'My death needs to mean something'. 31 December 2014. 2015 8 January .
Google. Cliques Definition. 8 January 2015 .
Jody L. Herman, Ph.D. "Suicide Attempts among Transgender and Gender Non-Confirming Adults." January 2014. http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/. 7 January 2015.
Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child. New York: HarperPerennial, 1992.
Mak, Tim. The Daily Beast. 7 January 2015.
Milward, Evan. WCPO. 7 January 2015.
Moglen, Laurel. The Danger of Labeling Kids. 14 November 2013. 8 January 2015 .
Murphy, Mekado. John Hughes, Director of ‘The Breakfast Club’ and ‘Sixteen Candles,’ Dies at 59. 6 August 2009. 8 January 2015 .
Teens Health. Coping With Cliques. 8 January 2015 .
The Take Away. The Truth About High School Social Hierarchies. 9 April 2014. 2015 January 2015 .
Transgender Human Rights Institute. https://www.change.org. 7 January 2015.