What once brought me joy now seem beyond the realms of possibility, unobtainable and innocent, like fragments of a child’s imagination. Long, contemptuous days pass one after the other as I lust after better times, hoping, searching. My endless anxieties have consumed me; pressure to do well in school, my best friend moving away, the world’s perceptions of me. The list goes on and on. These evils stand like tall billboards behind my eyes, neon lights flashing every time I let a flicker of light into the shadow I’m hidden in, controlled by a creature inhabited deep in the darkness casted over me. I had accepted it and let it in. I had allowed it to build a nest in the corner of my mind, resting in my thoughts and spewing venom into my veins that burned like an open flame. Like every other
day, I once again make my way through these dreary school halls on this equally dreary Sunday morning. As I pass by the classrooms, each like cramped prison cells, all I am able to think is that even if I escape, my very own prison remains, locking out the light. My endless days entombed within myself have gone like this:

6 AM
“BEEP BEEP BEEP”
Tired eyes and weak bones
Pulling me out of my peaceful slumber,
Fighting the poison

8AM
Coffee breath and moving lips
I cannot decipher
Just defeating whispers, faint but familiar
From a dark place in the back of my head

11 AM
Half an apple but enough guilt
To consume my entire life
The feel of piercing claws etching the walls of my brain
“UNDESERVING COW,” the creature writes.
I believe him.

2 PM
“RING”
Endless laughter and racing heartbeats
Surrounding me as my palms sweat.
A reminder of the hours ahead
Alone with my thoughts

Stumbling into the bathroom with the day’s stresses engulfing me, I encounter someone I had once known before I became consumed by this evil inside.  Her judging glare eying me up and down was the last I needed. We had grown up together, each the other’s best friend since the fourth grade, but had gone our separate ways after the creature began to reveal its ugly self. Yet even throughout our friendship I had always wished to be her; straight A’s and as beautiful as a rose, without any of the impulsive self-destruction I had acquired. I lock myself in the stall, hoping to calm the storm, and hear her footsteps leaving the room. I phone my mother. There is something in my mother’s voice, comforting yet powerful, that I had always found refuge in. Her strong words sheltering me, while still training me for life’s battles. Interrupting the seemingly endless beeps, I hear a soft, familiar sound on the other side of the line. “Hello?” My mother answered.
“It’s me,” I manage to let out in a mumble. In tears, I can’t help but vomit out the day’s anxieties.
Comforting me with her advice, she repeats, “We all carry these anchors inside of us that no one else can see, but we decide whether they weigh us down or make us stronger.” With her words lining my thoughts, I unlock the door and splash some cool water onto my face, attempting to wash away my worries and watch the monster’s taunting whirl down the drain. With a few deep breaths, I walk out of the bathroom and head to my car, still in a little bit of a daze, braving the world surrounding me. The venom is spreading, drying up every root of my being like a wildfire. I tread into the car with my mother’s words still hovering over my thoughts. Looking out the car window, I see visions and time fly by before finally resting my eyes.
It is 2018. I’m walking across the stage in a stunning dress, embellished with beautiful emerald green sequins, graduating with high honors. As I gaze into the audience, I see no one but my mom and her proud, radiant smile. That same smile that guided me through the dark, that gave me strength to fight my demons, that pushed me to become the person I am on that stage in front of the world, and there are no monsters, no voices, no darkness. It is just me. My content and elation shining out of me, glowing over the shadows like beams of sunlight. I am happy.
I shudder, feeling like the stage below me is shaking until I am suddenly brought back to reality, like a doe opening its eyes for the first time, and realize it is only rocky gravel against the tires of the car. I look up. There are no shadows or darkness in sight, no dismal individuals that I was on the path to becoming working their nine to five’s in dreary grey office buildings. One by one the moments in life that once brought me pleasure have slipped through my fingertips, cultivated by the monstrous creature living within me. Out of the blue, I notice little specks of rain beginning to cover my window, as if to refresh my once-stunted roots and burned out bones, and nurture the person I once was. The only voice that I will ever hear from myself again will be my own.  The day, only hours ago dark and dreadful, has grown into a vivid new start.