Expectation. The result of a bar being set, of obstacles being overcome, each rendering another excuse for failure unsatisfactory. The source of stress, angst and a perpetual feeling of trepidation that becomes the ultimate downfall of an innumerable number of promising students, athletes and professionals. This is the story of my relationship with these dreadful, powerful four syllables.

A black child brought forth from the entrapping confines of a less-than-desirable neighborhood, my dad taught himself focus and discipline because he knew what it took to be successful. His incessant pursuit of a better life landed him an acceptance letter from Stanford, a golden ticket to a world of opportunity and change that was stolen by the stifling tuition of the prestigious institution. To my father, this was a small rock in his path and without falter, he trudged along and went on to earn straight “A”s throughout the entirety of his college career, got a job before he even reached graduation, and he has now become a top executive at General Electric. He overcame crippling circumstances and set an astronomical bar that, in my eyes, Apollo would struggle to reach. Then there’s me.

Blessed with a miraculous knack for procrastination and a work-ethic that makes Bartleby appear driven as a Harvard law student, I haven’t quite inherited these work-ready qualities, yet my thirst for success still remains, spinning my life into somewhat of a frustrating, ironic paradox that more often than not drives me to the point of quitting. I can’t help but feel that the infinite opportunities provided by my dad are being squandered on me at times and it kills me that I can’t provide him with the one thing he asks of me, effort. “Grades are small letters, but effort defines you”, words my father has engraved into my consciousness, ring in my ears as I sit on Netflix letting the minutes tick by as my backpack stares me down in my peripheral vision, well, that’s what I would have been doing a year ago at least. This year, junior year, with words such as Penn, Northwestern, prestigious, success, Berkeley, and Stanford being flung at me from the mouths of family, mentors, and influential people in my life, my once lucid, almost guaranteed future is progressively fading and fogging and only by exerting an effort will my path become clear once more. The sad thing is that it took a span of 16 years for me to reach this epiphany.

As a child who didn’t require studying until his sophomore year of high school and a child who didn’t realize that high school attendees could get jobs before graduating college until his freshman year, I haven’t seen hard work as much more than a suggestion for the majority of my life, I consider this the worst feature of my upbringing. My parents, subjects of indigent upbringings sheltered me to the point of hardwiring in me a sense immunity to hardship. This revelation brought about a resentment in me towards them like I’ve never experienced. My sophomore year was largely spent in solitude. My parents were given little affection, my friends were given a cold shoulder, and my sister became the recipient of many of my attempts to toughen her up. I didn’t understand, how could my parents hide this world of fear, hardship, and work from me yet hold me accountable, expect me to utilize study skills, work hard, and self-sufficiently succeed? My grades suffered, not overly-substantially, but they suffered and that inherited thirst for success was not being quenched. After many heart-felt talks with my parents, I now see that these acts that brought about this gargantuan amount of resentment within me were all the results of love. Expectation is love, they loved me enough to block negativity from my life and allow me to focus on my future, they loved me enough to expect only the best from me and for these things and I now see that I only owe it to them to make them proud, to set a higher bar, and to overcome obstacles of my own. For these lessons that helped me grow, that changed my outlook on the earth that my feet cling to, I am forever grateful.