Tears filled my eyes as I walked inside the room. He was lying there in his hospital bed, lifeless. This was right after his major operation. My dear brother’s skin was pale which made his ruby-red lips stand out and his blood veins were bluer than ever. His left arm twitched just the slightest bit. The air in the hospital smelled strongly of lemon soap my mother always bought as if they were trying to hide the smell of something else, something much worse.

There were big windows at the right side of his room with a view over a huge parking lot. So as I stared into my reflection, I looked unrecognizable, even to myself. I had to wear a white facemask and blue disposable overcoat. Even I had immerged into this seemingly unreal scene. The only noise I could hear was the one of his life monitor and a few nurses mumbling behind the door.

The mumbling became louder until one of the nurses burst in the room laughing. Once she noticed my presence she moved her back to an upright position and became completely still. As she walked toward my brother, she kept staring at me, with a knowing look, as if she knew how I felt. But she didn’t, no one did. No one understood how much I would really miss him. She didn’t understand the pain I was going through and how much this was making my life fall apart. She started fumbled around with the life monitor and then looked up at me. ‘Can I get you anything, dear?’ she asked in a soft and soothing voice. I quickly shook my head implying that I didn’t want anything. She gave me one a look of empathy as if she could see how vulnerable I was, and then walked out. 

All the walls were white, which made the room look ten times bigger than it actually was, giving the impression that my brother was only a minor detail within the space. The room was plain: no colours, and none of his personal belongings, except for a big bouquet of flowers I got for him a week ago. They were slowly dying. The petals were dropping off one by one. I wanted to take the flowers and put them out of their misery, but I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do to save them, bedsides just sit aside and watch them die. I felt so helpless. I was so helpless.

I thought back to all the late nights I would miss. The ones where we talked about everything new that was happening in our lives. Even the smallest things mattered. I thought about the stupid little arguments we use to have, that would go on for days. Then I thought of a life where he would never have been born. How I would miss those things that would drive me crazy. Then, the last thought that entered my mind in that hospital was about how lucky I was to have ever had him as a brother. Then just like that, I stood up, went up to him and gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek and then left that hospital for the very last time.