Everybody said I changed when my grandma died. I've spent these years since she died fighting off depression and trying to go back to the girl I was before she died. I didn't think that I had changed, so I just kept going on the way I was, fixing my sentences to sound like how I use to talk. Trying to change my thoughts to what they use to be. It restrained me from living up to my true potential but I didn't even realize it. I kept trying to be the innocent and naive girl who didn't know the horrors of cancer, the sadness of losing a loved one, and the struggle of the aftermath. I never dealt with it. I let it fester and boil inside me and until I got to the point I would just explode. I went through spells where I would just cry and hold Ginger, an old teddy bear of my grandma's, and other spells where I would yell and fight with everyone. I was hurting, and so was everyone who was trying to help me.

    I was mad at myself. I was mad that I couldn't help save my grandma, but now I realize no one could. I was mad that I couldn't go back to the girl I was, but now I know that girl is gone. I did change and now my real challenge is to embrace the new me and make it better. I need to stop trying to live in the past and move forward.

    Losing a loved one is not easy, it seems like it is impossible to move on, like you'll never get better. But you will. I kept trying to deny the truth, to act as if it never happened, to pretend like it didn't bother me, and while doing this I put myself into a depression. I haven't completely got out of it yet, but it has gotten a lot better. My friends have helped me a lot, my family is helping me through it, and I'm starting to get better. I know it hurts now, but it gets better. But here's the thing, you have to ask for help. It's easier to get better if you find people who care about you and are willing to help you through it. That's what I had to do.

    Putting this out there is a big step for me, it is a personal struggle I went through. But I'm putting this out there in hopes that I can help someone who is going through something similar. Just know it's going to get better. Trust me, I know. But you have to move forward and stop living in the past.