I am writing this with no music which I never do
I am writing this with my hands and thoughts only
I am writing this so that I can hear my thoughts wander in this hollow room
They are scattered everywhere and I can feel the walls starting to fall
I hear a crack and its now tearing more and more into the center as I think more and more about my life
I go through time periods when I believe I am okay
I believe that I am stable
I've learned that no one is okay
No one is possibly perfect
As a matter of fact, everyone is crying
Everyone is in pain
Some just hide it better than others.
I used to be a professional in hiding my feelings
I still am, but I think I'm retiring from that job of being a professional
My walls are tumbling down
I thought they already did and one day I feel okay and then I get a text from you or a certain thought or word or even smell and then bam as easy as that, a tear will slowly begin to swim down my cheek and a few seconds later more and more start streaming down
I punch the mirror about 5 times until finally shards of glass and tiny pieces have gashed into my skin
It doesn't even hurt because of the adrenaline rushing through me
It actually makes me smile
When I was 11 I remember sitting in the bathtub not knowing that I couldn't possibly kill myself by drowning myself
I would go under the water and push myself to hold it longer and longer until finally my body wouldn't want to fight any longer but that wasn't the case 
I hid in the corner sobbing "it was my fault it was my fault" continuously until I would fall asleep
I was convinced that I could no longer live with myself
The day you placed your hands on me was the day my whole world shook
The day my vision became blurry 
The day my heart began to crack
The day I began to hate myself, every piece of myself
I remember the first time I had ever been in therapy I was sobbing and sobbing when she made me talk about you
I was 11 and I remember at night I began to hide under my covers and choke myself until my body would resist but my mind kept fighting to tell my body what I was doing to myself was okay
I remember the fights we had gotten into and you would yell saying "I can scream louder" saying that I was just a “stupid kid” and “something was wrong with me”
I ran to my room and hid under the bed until you ran and pulled me out of it
I remember when you would be centimeters from my face screaming at me and that was when I knew what feeling terrified was like
When every hair on my body stood up and I became as still as ice
Your bloodshot eyes staring into mine until I looked down and ran into my room
I looked at myself in the mirror and became so angry I began to scratch myself so angrily I wanted all my skin to come off so that I could feel the burn
I would punch the hard wall until the skin on my knuckles began to peel
I remember punching my bed frame at night so no one could hear me screaming inside
I was 11 and that year was the year my walls came tumbling down
A couple years later I turned 15 and it had been 6 years since the last time you placed your hands on me
The memories of that day are now faded but still attached to me
The memories aren't what haunt me at night like they used to
It's me
The only thing I'm fighting now is myself
I want to die
I want to be gone
I want to sleep
I am 15 and every person who I thought loved me has vanished
My so called mother was a lie
She never loved me
Every talk, every hug, was one big mistake
All I can remember is the days you would tell me that you no longer had the desire to live
That no one loved you and I would constantly tell you “but mom, I love you why isn't that enough for you to stay?” You simply said that it wasn't "enough" 
You were my entire world and I remember when you began to cry I couldn't hold back my tears because your pain was my pain, and seeing you suffer everyday killed me
Seeing that you hated the life you lived was a shot right through the head
You were trapped with a man, a dangerous man and we didn't have the money to live 
We didn't have the money to leave this person so you said "I have no other choice but to stay here so that you can have a roof over your head"
I am convinced he hurt you
Mentally
And
Physically 
I believe those bruises on your arms were from him
I believe the abuse I saw when you hit him and he slapped you
I believe the pain you felt everyday because mom,
Your pain was my pain
It began to hurt me when I saw that you became accustomed to the life you lived
You were convinced you had no other choice but to stay trapped with the monster
He took you away from me
You became part of his team
You are a monster now too
It is me and my brother 
And we are two screwed up kids trying to cope with the madness in our heads
Yesterday I visualized slicing someone's throat even though I would never want to do that to someone 
The day before I had a nightmare of you choking me attempting to kill me
At the age of 15 I was asking my dad "let me die, if I have your permission, it will all be okay, please, please, let me die"
At 15 was when I got that paper clip and rubbed it against my skin
A few days later I broke the pencil sharpener
A week later I broke the razor blade
Then everyday after school my daily routine was to lock my door with all the lights off, play that certain song, and cut
Then I'd clean the floors because my blood had splattered like red paint right onto the tile
The year when I was 15 was the year I was hospitalized 3 times 
The year I went crazy
The year I lost myself and found another person
I used to be the person everyone loved
But I am not that person anymore
I am truly messed up and trying to heal myself everyday
I write about these things so I can release all these memories
I have been also trying to think of the good
Before my mother became a monster
I remember the first time I learned to ride a bike, the same day I went on a ramp because I believed I could do it, and fell right on my head
I remember everyday I would play outside with the neighborhood kids until the street lights turned on and night came
I remember I always wanted to be with my big brother
I played football with him and the neighborhood kids everyday
I remember on Christmas we went digging for worms and climbed the tallest trees
I remember when I would see my father every night, he would lay in my bed, pray with me and then lay with me until I fell asleep
I remember I used to let my dad touch me
I remember when I had little kid things to worry about
Although the year I turned 11 my walls came tumbling down
I am 16 now and my name is Camila
I don't know who I am or where I am going
I do not know what I want to be 
All I know is that I want to be able to say "I made it"
I am 16 and I know people love me
Not a lot
But a couple do and that is enough
I love you
It's been 9 different schools, and 6 different homes
It's been a mom, a stepdad, a brother and sister
It's been an incredible dad and a little dog
It's been several therapists until I now found the one
It's been a crazy life but a remarkable one so far
I consider myself lucky, but weak as well
I got a momma and some people whom I hold close to my heart
It's been people who I choose to be my family 
Love will always win in my life
Love will always beat through the pain
Because God is love and although God and I aren't so close yet, I love Him and one day I'll truly reach out and I know He's out there waiting
I don't like violence or hate unless you are trying to hurt me
I will hurt you, I'm sorry
But I hope one day I will kill you with kindness
I strive to be better
I consider myself a young kid learning from past mistakes
It's been a hard life but not too hard that I can't survive it
It's been scrapes on the knees, cuts to my wrist and smoke in his lungs
It's been jabs to my heart, bruises on my elbows, and alcohol taking him back to the bad days
It's now
And now I am me
Yesterday was then
But today is now
It is a brand new day to be great
It's been a short life but a long plot
 But that was then, and this is now