I ran into the bathroom and shut the door. I reached for the faucet and turned the water on. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was thirteen again. I was the little girl who screamed in terror. I was the little girl who had been deprived of all freedom.

The running water would not drown out his voice from downstairs. I could hear every distinct sound. I could hear the way he laughed. I could hear the way his voice empowered my entire body.

I locked the door and turned on the shower. I took the towel draped over the shower door and shoved it inside my mouth. I started screaming. “Why. Why me God? What plan is this?” It was getting harder and harder to breath and every second that passed was closer to the inevitable. I started to have a panic attack and shook uncontrollably. I felt like a crazy person as I twitched, screamed, and cried.

I started to daze in and out. I dreamt of my sister, my precious sister whose body had never been touched. I dreamed that we were on a retreat, singing songs. I dreamed of my mentor, Laura. I dreamed that she was taking my sister’s hand and guiding her to the light. And then I dreamt of fire. I felt fire burning my whole body and then I woke up in terror.

My body was covered in sweat from my sauna like bathroom. I took off my clothes and shoved them in the crack between the floor and the door. I stepped inside the shower and let the water wash away every bad memory. I closed my eyes and washed away every touch. I hummed Taylor Swift and pretended that I was back on campus. I pretended I was having sushi with Laura and drinking my diet coke. Then I heard the door rumble and felt his hand stroke my back.

I thought of Alpha Chi Omega and how great it felt to be part of a sisterhood. I felt his hands reach around and touch my chest. I hummed Taylor Swift and pretended I was meeting her. She was hugging me and telling me how great it was to have such a loyal fan. He was hugging me from behind and I felt his chest hair on my back. I felt his whole body touch mine. I felt him kiss my neck.

I thought of chemistry. I started thinking of every element on the periodic table. Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron, Carbon . . . I felt him shove me to the side. I heard him tell me to be nice and not bite.

I thought of Laura telling me it was going to be okay. “We will get through this together.” I remembered playing kickball. I remembered having fun. He curled up the rubber mat and told me to stand on it. I obeyed. I opened my eyes and looked at the white wall. I remembered the white wall in my dorm room. I remembered the white walls at my high school. I remembered the white walls at the psychiatric hospital.

Then I felt excruciating pain and braced myself against the white walls. I screamed for my mom. I closed my eyes and turned my mind off. I remember darkness. The same darkness that I see every time I look at myself in the mirror. The same darkness I feel when I smell his smell, see his face, taste his taste, and hear his sound.

I woke up in my bed with wet hair. I had on underwear and an old t-shirt. I don’t remember putting them on.

He has done it again. He has taken another part of me and I will never, ever, get it back.