You asked me...do you miss him?
Listen closely. Actually listen. Don't just nod your head, or skim over this. I know this is long. Just, hear me out.

Do you remember the last time something was truly missing from your life? Think back, recall.
It's not even necessarily the missing that hurts, it's the feeling of hopelessness. The feeling that you are completely powerless in changing the situation. You can scream, you can cry, you can beg, but you cannot change the situation. It's rather humbling.

The reality of the experience does not quite sink in until you see the other couples. That's the worst part. Watching them kiss, or even just hold hands...
What you wouldn't give to touch him, be near him.

You shrug it off, and continue with your day. But something changed inside of you...there's a new bitterness that you taste in your mouth, kind of like when you eat something sour and it lingers on your tongue. It manifests in other places too.
There's this hollow, aching pain that reverberates in your chest, and continues to sound throughout the day.
You drive home, and turn on the country station. It seems like you cannot possibly avoid military-inspired classics. As you listen, your heart swells with pride as your hand finds its way to the tags around your neck, but that moment is fleeting. You try your best to put a smile on your face, to distract your thinking as much as possible. You might take up a new hobby, or become more focused on your schooling or profession.
You almost feel like your feelings are unjustified, like you aren't permitted to miss him this much since you aren't married. Everyone tells you, "this isn't going to last," "You're only kids," and the worst "he's going to find someone else."
But, for some reason, you keep going. Even when the only contact you have is (if you're lucky) a text a week, you keep going.

They tell you that you shouldn't live in your future plans, that you shouldn't live in a daydream, but honestly, the daydreams hurt less than reality.
I miss him so much it hurts. I miss him as if all of the oxygen has been removed from my atmosphere, like the feeling when you've swam to the bottom of a very deep pool and are not entirely sure if you're going to make it to the surface in time. I miss him as if Christmas was canceled. I miss him like a little kid misses their mom at a sleepover. Sometimes I go out and forget for awhile, but then I have this nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something.

I find myself curled up on my floor, cradling his jacket in my arms. Wearing it feels wrong.

Or, other times, I'll put on the outfit I was wearing on one of our favorite nights together. I'll wear my teal sweater and dark blue jeans, and spritz myself with my favorite perfume and pull up my hair....just like I did on December 30th.
It sounds like a strange ritual, but it's truly all I have.

I'm trying to be proud, I really am. I know he's doing what he wants to do, and I should be happy for him.
I'm trying.
I really am.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less