He came into my life out of the random and stole my heart right out from under me. I was not naïve like most would think, and was obviously skeptical. To let some boy make me believe all my worries were in the past was not only dumb but also blaringly unwise. and so, I didn’t. I kept one eye on the door and the other on him.

What I’ve learned in life is that if you can’t trust the one you’re with, then you shouldn’t be with them. And for a very long time, I didn’t trust him, not at all. My I Love You’s were empty and cold like winter rain falling through the cracks in an abandoned house. But as days and weeks pressed on I began to slowly get over my one fear in life: getting close to another human being.

Growing up in the environment I did,Seeing the women playing themselves as wooden wives,Painted to perfection on the outside; inside secretly hating all of those around them. I had decided at a young age not to be that way. Even now my role models for life and love were not my mother and aunt, but more the rockstars on the radio. They did what they could to survive internally rather than quitting. Young me made the decision to never be the wife,but in fact I would be the bread maker.

I was unaware of how real this decision was, until I became the dominant in each relationship. I suddenly found myself craving femininity;something that disgusted me for years. I found myself changing for someone who didn’t change for me. I opened up, yes, But was it by my own will?

As the months wore on, I found myself falling hopelessly in love, without a care in the world. I was feeling wonderful and hadn’t a negative thought for weeks. That’s when he dumped me. The first time. I stayed strong, cried only at home, lying in bed, cuddling with some pillow that had meant nothing to me before but was now the difference between my next breakdown and some simple sniffles. I trudged on, even attending homecoming by myself.

He came back supposedly missing me. Being as upset as I was, I took him back. This lasted another month until I said that I wasn’t the right girl. He accepted without a fight that it was over, leaving me more devastated than the first time around. One last time after that we were together, but only a week, and once again he shattered all hope I had of happiness.

All throughout December of 2013 he played with my heart. Giving me reason to hope for him back then telling me to get over him. then once I did, he’d claim he wished we would be able to work. It was a horrible cycle that simply repeated itself over and over. Until i was done. I had been played to much.I finally said I could no longer take it and even when i was fully over he had to say just the right words to flip the switch inside of me. Whether I like it or not, That relationship changed me.

And sadly, even after it all, I miss him in the worst of ways, and still want him back. I don’t understand what it is that attracts me to him.

And just like before, the moment I begin to get over him, he somehow comes right back into my life. I’m sick of hurting inside and having to hide behind my crooked heartless smile.I’m tired, both emotionally and physically. As of late I just want to lie down and go to sleep and never wake up again. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Its sad to think what happened(Is happening) over a four months time has affected me more than my previous relationship of 1 year and 4 months.

I Shared many firsts with this boy, more so than I could have ever imagined. I hate the thought of him almost as much as I love him. And for this, I can’t help but sigh.