Hey, You

I was sitting at Panera this other day, about to order a coffee, when I saw a boy and a girl sitting a few tables in front of me, talking. Despite the brave face the boy is putting up, it was obvious that he was extremely nervous in his attempt to try to make the girl laugh and lighten up. He stuttered a lot, and his progress was quite slow. Nevertheless, as I continued to observe them, the girl began to slowly open up and laugh along with him. I thought of you, smiled, and ordered a cup of tea instead.

Isn’t that the basis of our friendship, the fact that I like coffee and you like tea? I’m just a little bit too bubbly and hyper for my own good. But, you’re always there to calm me down and bring me back to reality, and that’s why we go so well together… well… went so well together.
I still remember the time when you first messaged me on Facebook during the summer. Although we have known each other for a while, we were never particularly close. In fact, I seem to recall you having a dislike towards me. Furthermore, you were transferring to another school. So, you could have imagined my surprise when you messaged me that day.

We talked for a long time that day. Despite my cocky, confident behavior, I was so sure something was going go wrong in our conversation, that I was going to say something that will offend you or bore you, leading you to end our conversation.

But amazingly, things flowed smoothly. We talked, we talked and we talked for 5 whole months. We laughed and we cried. We made jokes and we shared our secrets. From talking about the sexiness of Joseph Gordon-Levitt (I must admit… he’s pretty hot) to the little things that we were too embarrassed to tell our other friends (HAHA, still can’t believe you’re scared of thunder), our conversations were the best part of my day.

Then, came the fight.

The simple truth of the matter is that I had fallen in love with you. How could I not? You know how I’m like. A hopeless romantic, a quixotic simpleton, a person who still believes in love at first sight despite all the time his heart was broken. Now, add a deep and intimate relationship with a gorgeous, beautiful girl to this equation and voila, love is created.

People say love is a wonderful feeling, a warm river flowing and streaming through your heart. However, what they don’t know is that if you suppress it for too long, it becomes volatile, and violent. Nothing can stop love; you can only build walls around it to hold it back temporarily. But eventually, the water has to flow out, either as a peaceful stream or as a raging flood.

It was that fateful weekend you went up to your retreat. Oh, that darn retreat… While you were up in the mountain, getting in touch with your spirit, I was having one of the worst weeks of my life. My parents were fighting. I failed my math test. My friends were ignoring me. I had never been more alone and lonely in my life. I needed to desperately talk to someone, to be comforted, to talk to you. But… you weren’t there. You were up in the mountains, a world apart away from me. That’s when the walls in my heart started to collapse, and the water suppressed by the wall began to flood vehemently through my heart and brain, clouding my judgments. I began to think to myself that I am a fool for falling in love with you. After all, what chances would I have? You’re gorgeous and funny, while I’m just… me. Furthermore, you don’t even go to the same school as I do, and we never really see each other in real life. Thus, I took all my anger out on you. I unfairly blamed you for my broken heart. I needed a scapegoat for my trouble, and you were the most convenient target.

Though I eventually I apologized, it was far too late. The damage has been done already. Things were never the same.

We still talk from time to time, and have conversations that feel like singing to a familiar, old song on the radio, or opening up your favorite book discarded in the back of your drawer and reading it all over again. The familiar emotions and feeling associates with it come back, along with all the memories and joy it brings. However, as times goes on, that song appears less and less on the radio. That book becomes more and more difficult to find. Talking to each other about anything becomes harder and harder. And we become more and more distant.
Every now and then, I think back about our conversations. Truth to be told, I miss you, and our times together. But, it’s okay. No matter how cliché and cheesy this might sound, but deep down in my heart, I know that I will never lose you, for you will always be a part of my life in some way, even if “some way” means only in happy memories and the occasional Facebook updates. I want you to understand just how much of an impact you made on me, even if our times spent together doesn’t always reflect that. I have only the best feelings for you. You were one of my closest friends.

My secrets, the significant ones as well as the insignificant ones, please, hold on to them, and I will hold on to yours. Know that you are a little safety deposit box in my life, that you have kept things for me that were too much to bear on my own. Also, know that no conversation between us will ever be forgotten, even those little talks we have late at night. Some times, I look over our messages and smile as I read, laughing and crying as the messages transport me back to those times, happier times. Reminiscing about those memories makes my heart and chest feel warm and bubbly.

But, however happy I am thinking about the past, I’m even happier thinking about the present. I can’t help but smile when I think of the amazing life you are living. Though it sting sometimes knowing that you’re living this wonderful life without me, I don’t resent you for it. The past is the past, and there is nothing we could do to change it. So why not just forget about it and look forward to the hopeful future?
Oh, and by the way, tea was nice, but I still needed a cup of coffee to jolt me up and help me study for my AP tests. ;)

Sincerely, Me