His beautiful, big, gray eyes pierce my soul whenever he looks at me now. I still love him even after all the trials and tribulations we have faced, tears I have shed and the resentment I have towards for him. But why do I still feel that way towards him because things haven’t gotten any better?

I met him early into the year. In class he’d sit alone every single day until finally one day in September I got the courage to sit next to him and welcome him. I smiled and treated him how I would treat any new kid. I’d try to make them feel welcomed. I sat with him more and more after that day and we had begun to become friends. The feelings for him did not come until much later into the year. Before that I pictured him as only a friend nothing more. He was definitely ‘friend-zoned’ then.

It was spring in the month of May when I started to become attracted to him. To me he was quite handsome and lovely. I remember his smile and those beautiful gray eyes of his. His smile was infectious. When he asked me to hang out my denial of liking him shattered like glass. I was engrossed in my assignment when I noticed his pale hand inches from my eyes. He snapped his fingers in my face several times. My eyes were wide and I was at the loss of words. He said, “Alex, Alex.” He then asked me to hang out. I was too in a daze to answer back. I was shocked. After the school bell rang I realized he did ask me to hang out. It wasn’t till a week later I got the courage to ask him to hang out. I swallowed my fear and the ‘what ifs’ and took the plunge. I rambled a bit and I stumbled on my words. He said yes! Instead of hanging in the summer like I asked he wanted to hang out that day. We did not hang out due to scheduling conflicts. We didn’t hang out till early summer. Things weren’t all sunshine, roses, and butterflies. There were just the same amount of bad times as there were good times if not more.

It all started when he ignored during class. It was quite odd and unusual of him. His eyes did not meet mine and he was quiet. Usually we’d joke around and laugh all of class. Today was silent; you could only hear white noise. I was in a silent panic. My head was down and facing the black, cold table; him and his bright red shirt facing away from me. A few days after him and I talked again then the rumors begun. They said he wanted nothing to do with me, they said he was dating this girl. I ignored him till late June. He texted me after we got out report cards. Little did I know the nightmare would begin in September?

Late August, the beginning of school was a little off. The atmosphere was quite panicky. I saw competition, left and right. Which normally is not like me; I’m not normally a paranoid freak. The fear of him getting with someone was ripe. The fear came true, Labor Day weekend. I was in shock and in a great deal of pain, my façade was shattered. I couldn’t pretend I was happy anymore. I couldn’t plaster that fake smile on my face anymore. My bed became my best friend. I still remember how I found out. I found out from an Instagram post. Everything all came crashing down when my friend accidentally slipped that I liked him. Time slowed to a halt when I got the answer back. He wanted to be just friends. Everything was fine until he disappeared from my Facebook friends’ list. At first I thought it was a glitch but no it was reality. I couldn’t believe it! For a long time I told myself that he probably just deleted his Facebook and tried to move on with my life the best I could. After a wonderful day with one of my very close friends I stumbled upon a post he wrote about me. It shattered the façade I had built up to recover from the loss. I was also quite shocked. Maybe I should have just moved on and forgot about the boy but I couldn’t then and I can’t now.

I do feel resentment and anger towards him. How come I still have that hope even if it’s a little bit of hope? It’s completely illogical. I tried to be angry instead of sad. I miss his cheeky grin. I look back at the memories and think, “What happened?” Everything was great a little while ago now it’s terrible at best. To think things could change so fast and in so little time.

I have learned to appreciate what and whom I have in my life because who knows in a split second it could be gone. Every hour and every minute I got to spend with him I cherished it. Looking into his eyes now is one of the hardest things for me to do because the memories go through my mind and what it could have been; but I can still say I still love him.