I never saw it coming, when I was little I never would have dreamed that this is what would happen to me. Even after I knew, I refused to believe. Who ever really expects to have their life turned around in just one burst of light and find out that they were living a lie, even though they didn’t know it. This is my moment of light, of change that not even the greatest psychic could have warned me of.

Her legs curled beneath her, her short hair falling in her face as she laughed. Such a sweet sound that I would give anything to be able to remember better. Her adorable little nose, tilting up as she laughed even harder at my reaction to the scary movie. My very first scary movie that she was forcing me to watch. I hardly remember the movie (I think an elevator was involved), but I do remember some things. Details have faded away, but I can still remember a few random things. The things I do remember I hold on to as fiercely as I can, for I never want to forget. The smell of her ancient couch, the crackle of her outdated tv, the freezing cold air of her basement and the musty blanket we had wrapped ourselves in as we curled up next to each other on the small couch. As yet another person died on screen in a completely “realistic” way; I realized something. Something so new and so foreign that I should have run out of the house screaming. But yet…..Something so natural in a cold Kentucky basement the week before Christmas that I knew without a doubt it was right.

I loved her.

Not in a friendly “Be my best friend” way, not even in a “I hope we are always friends” way. In a “I kinda wanna shove you against a wall and kiss you” kind of way. Which took me by surprise...That made me stop breathing for a second. I just stared at her, the beautiful girl I had been best friends with for almost two years now.

“What?”

She asked when she noticed my kind of creepily intense stare at her, but I barely even heard her. I was too taken aback by the fact that I was in love with a girl.

Growing up, I attended church every single sunday with my family. I was a very religious person and was home-schooled and sheltered like a little baby bunny. Before I even started attending public middle school, I didn’t know what the word “gay” meant. Guys were with girls and that was that. Nothing more, nothing less. My 7th grade year, I discovered that some guys like guys and some girls like girls, but it was a distant thing, nothing to worry about. And if one of my friends did like somebody else that was the same gender, well obviously I just wouldn’t be their friend anymore; in my mind that was simply wrong. Oh how the tides have turned.

I blushed and looked down and mumbled a simple “Nothing” to my friend’s question. Scared that she would think I was being weird, I turned back to look at the screen, and screamed when, yes you guessed right, another person died in a brutal made-for-movie- fashion. The moment passed and we spent the afternoon in her basement, like every other afternoon that week. But that night as I lay in bed, I could still feel her next to me. The warmth of her leg next to mine and the smell that I could only associate with her still there. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t possibly be in love with a girl that’s just crazy and wrong and besides I very clearly liked guys.

That night I barely slept, how could I with this enormous feeling of confusion rattling around inside my head all night. I couldn’t see her the next day, I just couldn’t. I was so scared that, the feeling of love would still be there and I wouldn’t be able to explain it away. I spent so long that winter, so many days just trying to ignore that constant feeling inside my chest whenever I saw her. Pretending that the blush creeping up my cheeks when she complimented me was because of the cold air. All through 8th grade year, I avoided her when I could and tolerated her when I couldn’t. She was hurt, I could tell instantly. I was hurting her, but I didn’t know how to stop, at the time it was the only thing I could think to do.

Now a few years later, I am filled with regret every time I think of those months where I ignored her because I couldn’t face my true feelings. Now I’m older and I understand the world better. I know that it’s okay, not wrong, and that I truly did love her. I fell completely and totally in love with her, just as I have continued to do with other girls and boys over the years. I’m not confused anymore,and I know I shouldn’t have ever been ashamed of who I am. I know how I feel now. I just wish I could go back to that basement morning and when she asked “what?”, simply say “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and I think I love you”. Maybe if I had just told her; she would still be here. Now it’s too late and she’s gone and I can’t tell her, if only I had accepted myself sooner.