Have you ever been so lost in this big world? That it didn’t really matter if you were alive or dead. That no matter how important you were to others you still felt unacknowledged. If this is you just remember life goes on. Even though you feel useless someone cares whether it’s your family, or if it’s just god someone cares.

October 30th, 2011 it was my nieces 2nd birthday. We had a bounce house, a pool, and some tents made out of some chairs and a couple of sheets. My niece was having a blast and I was just sitting in a wooden chair. Suddenly my aunt Sheri walked out of the house with a look of anger mixed with disbelief. She looked around the yard until she saw me walking toward inside she asked in a determined voice “Jake where is your mom?” I shrugged my shoulders and walked inside. I went to the bathroom which was right passed my sisters room. I glanced inside my sister’s room and saw a Ziploc with about 5 grams of marijuana inside the bag and a half smoked blunt on top of the bag. I was in the bathroom when I heard her door slammed shut. I could hear my mom screaming at Dani (my sister). I couldn’t make out the words she was saying but I knew I wouldn’t want to. I left the bathroom trying to act casual. I waited until my mom was back outside then went and asked my sister what happened. She looked at me with a tomato red face and tear filled alligator green eyes. She was so choked up the only thing that came out of her mouth was a big breath of air. I gave her a big hug and told her not to do it again. She nodded her head and mumbled I promise.

About 2 weeks later I looked outside and saw her with a blunt in her hand and smoke coming out of her mouth. I ran to my mom and told her to look out the window. She did and went out the back door to go get her. After about ten minutes of my mom yelling at Dani they went into her room and shut the door. Then after about twenty minutes my mom walked out and left my sisters door open and told her she couldn’t shut it ever again. About a week after she begged my dad to let her shut the door and he let her.

About a month went by and I had cot my sister about 7 times and told my parents every time. I felt bad after telling on her but my parents always reinstated that I was doing her a favor so I thought I was doing the right thing. After my parents left her room she asked me to come to her. When I got there she asked me if I told on her. I was so scared and felt so guilty I lied and told her no. she told me she knew I did and that she wasn’t going to be mad if I did so I admitted it. She told me that the next time just let my parents find out and to quit being a snitch. So I promised her that I wouldn’t tell.

Three days went by and I saw her smoking I remembered our promise and I didn’t tell. About 2 hours later I saw her doing it again in the same spot. Then the next day I saw her doing it again same day. About a week went by same spot everyday she was right there smoking and my parents still hadn’t caughtt her. I was feeling so guilty for not telling them, and I was scared I would get in trouble for not saying anything. I let about 3 days go by and she was still smoking in the same spot so I finally broke and told my parents. After dealing with my sister my dad came into my room and told me to stop being a snitch and that they will catch them for now on. I was so mad because he told me I was being a snitch so I tried to stop caring. It tore me apart that my sister who was a sweet heart could go and do drugs. I mean I couldn’t see her doing anything to hurt her or anyone else. I mean she picked on me a little but nothing to drastic.

After time went by and she got caught a couple of times I started to accept it. It just started to become natural. I didn’t think it really meant anything to my parents I just thought they yell at her then it’s over.

Well it’s been about a year and a half my sister just left to go to her friends Jennette’s house, and I wanted to play with some firecrackers. Dani had a big stash in her room all I had to do was find it. I looked in her closet and right on top was a notebook I looked inside and read “Dad, I don’t know why I do what I do. It isn’t that I can’t stop it’s that I don’t want to. I know it hurts you but I don’t want to stop because it is my only way to escape all the craziness in the family. I hope that one day you would learn to love me for who I am and that you can accept this flaw of mine. I love you with all my heart, love your baby girl.” After reading it I couldn’t help but cry. I started thinking to myself how bad our family is. Isn’t it like everyone else’s? the next day when Dani got home I sat down with her and talked about our family. She explained how mom is “crazy”. It started making sense to me though like our parents would get mad at us just so they could leave and not take us or they would yell at us for no apparent reason. I thought about all the things Dani said that night and the next couple of weeks I started acknowledging it more and more. After a couple of months it finally hit me our family isn’t messed up.

December 29th, 2012 it was about 12 o’clock we were at our deer lease and my sister noticed my dad’s phone buzzing rapidly it was a call from my aunt Randi. Dani answered the phone and Randi asked where grandma was and we didn’t know so I called her off my phone. My grandma answered and was crying then my sister snatched the phone away and out of nowhere I saw her eyes fill with tears and whimpered it will be ok through the phone. I asked what happened almost immediately after Dani hung up she said Allies dead. Allie was my cousin who was adopted after being abused by her mother and father. When my parents got back from filling the feeders we told them what happened and packed up to leave the deer lease. When we got to my aunt’s house she was screaming at the top of her lungs ‘oh my god” I sat on her couch trying my hardest to fight back the tears. After an hour of being at her house I still have managed to hold the tears back my aunt walked out of her room for the first time. Her face was fire truck red, her skin was pale white, and her eyes were tear felt baby blue. It was the hardest thing to see her like this but I knew if I cried it would upset her even more. The next day my mom asked me to make a PowerPoint for Allies funeral. I did my best on the PowerPoint and saved it in my computer.

A couple of weeks later I caught my sister smoking and my mom was going to also so I told her to watch out. I figured she was smoking to forget about Allie. After that day I started helping her allot I would be look out for her, I would close her window, and I would check to see if she smelled like Marijuana. I was helping her anyway I could. I eventually started giving her money and swore to me she would pay me back. After about 3 months she was over $250 in debt.

June 15, 2013 I woke up to my mom yelling at Dani. Before I could get up I they were both gone. About an hour later Dani came home and told me she wasn’t going to be living in the house anymore. About 10 minutes later my mom showed up Dani handed her phone to her then they started talking on the couch. They talked for almost 3 hours then Dani told me to come out side with her. As me and her talk she started cleaning the fridge. She told me her plain to live with Kkay and how they were going to buy Kkay’s mom’s trailer. Then she went on about how she wasn’t going to move out anymore.

The next couple of days went by everyone was happy and life was good we were making plains to go to a water park. I finally asked out a girl I’ve liked for 4 months. You could say life was perfect. After a month of waiting to see what the girl would say she finally gave him an answer. She said no. I couldn’t believe it I knew I just lost the girl of my dreams. I felt bad for her because I was pressuring her to go out with me so I went out and bought her a necklace from her favorite movie. I gave it to her as an “I’m sorry” gift. A couple of days went by and things were awkward so I called her and she told me she thought I was trying to buy her friendship. I hung up hurt and confused. Then suddenly I heard yelling and my dad told Dani to leave that she was kicked out of the house and never to return. It seemed like everything good in my life was fading away. It made me question my life. “Why am I living if you’re going to take away all the good?” I asked God.

July 31, 2013 I asked my dad “why did you kick Dani out?” he responded “y’all both are big screw ups I wish y’all would have been miscarriages” I walked in my room crying my eyes out and I kept screaming “I hate this family” I felt so alone. I felt so small. I went and grabbed my pistol that was hidden in my sock drawer. I screamed at the top of my lung “I am coming to see you Allie bug” then pulled the trigger. A 14 year olds life taken early because he didn’t know somebody cares.