The world as I knew it ended on a Sunday morning. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Doesn't make the pain less bearable, but maybe I can somehow soothe it if I try to rationalize things. So when I woke up this morning still being able to breathe, I knew in some way I could live again. Heartbreak is inevitable.It's human nature or in God's nature that we feel some type of pain. Something that tells us that our souls are real, and therefore our hearts are real too. Somewhere along the line I fell in love; Hopelessly and mercifully in love with someone who now thinking back, could and never would love me in the same way I dreamed of.

That in its self is where the lies begin and when the hurt sets in. Love for me is like the highest most exalted feeling one could ever acquire, or seek to acquire in this world. To find someone or something you look on to with open eyes, seeing the world in a whole new perspective than before. And when that truly happens to you, your heart can never really go back to what it was before. There is no doubt in my mind on how much I loved and still love this guy. I love him more that words could ever try to describe so I'll try.

I love him in ways knowing and not knowing, I loved him without knowing how or when and where the hell it came from. I love him in this way simply and deeply because it is the only way I know how without reasoning. There was no other way and still no other way. I know no other way other then this. but as painful as its kept, I'll just love him from a distance. Some deep in dark place where he'll never see or be burden by my genuine love of him. Keep in mind I know at times he treated me not the best, and at times I regret I did the same. But I only hope he would know now, that it wasn't may true intention to cause all this. I just wanted more for us than what was given at the moment. I guess we got too caught up in hurting and wanting to hurt each other that the love started to fade away.

I love you;Just within those three little words held my life. I love you blindly, holding on foolishly to the thought of you. I know I cant allow you to burn me up yet I still cant seem to resist you in a way. You where everything I weren't which drew me to the fire, the fire that ultImately burned me in the end. I have no one but myself to blame. I think sometimes we get to busy in the system of loving someone so much that we forget to love ourselves in the process, forgetting that where special too.
But now I'm left where I started , trying to pick up the remaining pieces that where once my heart. Everything that as happened seems so surreal to me. His existence in my world is still more real to me than his disappearance. The pain itself can be intolerable on most days; It suffocates me so much that it literally takes my breathe away. The tears become so endless that they can form there own stream. And the sleepless nights seem never ending . Yet when i do happen to close my eyes, I pray to God that only he can somehow make my dreams better than reality. Better to have you in dreams to than to wake up and reach for arms not there. The dream may last for awhile until you realize that no dream you can dream can surmount the pain. The realization that everything and anything that was said, the laughter that was laughed, the joy that was felt and the feelings that where shared all mean nothing now. I'm left in this love by myself, no longer to be something desired or fought for . My heart and arms open wide with love and yet here I stand empty.
Its been difficult to accept the reason of why? My thoughts constantly running on how and why did this happen? Could we have fought a little harder? Could I have fought a little harder myself? Been a little stronger? Been a little smarter or wiser on how relationships should and could be? Maybe I should have loved you more then you could have ever loved yourself? It's exhausting and it's pointless , a whole lot of questions that will never have any answers to them. I guess the hard part is that I'll never truly understand what happened and its reasons.

In all honesty I feel abandon, unwanted, bitter and cold. It makes you not want to invest into someone or something as fragile as love. Because under the wrong circumstances, it can break and shatter into millions of pieces, swept away amongst the trash when no longer useful. I hate to have to be the only one who remembers every little detail while you cant seem to remember there little things at all. Common sense tells me that if you make a mistake don't do it again. But its hard to stop getting hurt by the ones I love. I guess its a curse played by God to the people who care too much and love to often. Hopefully one day Ill realize what I'm doing wrong and be more careful of myself and the people around me. But until then I'm just trying to keep my heart in one piece.
Every fire has a lesson; I just never thought our fire would burn out so abruptly for us. In a way my need to love you, to protect you , to save you from yourself was our greatest killer; It created the insecurities , the failures and the false sense of hope. It makes you feel as when you see a man drowning . You have to save him, you want to save him but you know he'll kill you in his panic. Maybe it's the selfish desire in me to want him to be unhappy to feel miserable the way he made me feel, hurt the way he made me hurt to its core. But being resentful, hurtful and angry takes a lot out of you. It drains your entire being and turns you into something you no longer recognizes yourself. I Just hope that he's truly happy wherever his life takes him. That he can learn how to love someone anyone with the compassion and courage he couldn't love me with.
Even though it hurts to let go, it's something that is essential to move forward. Once you felt love and the courage you feel from it, the and the strength you get with it you cannot help but want it again minus its shortcomings. Its going to take a long for my heart to heal but nevertheless I have hope that one day it will.