Some things...sigh...some things are hard. So hard you feel like you just might die, or worse...keep living. Some things are the kind of hurt you don’t think you can survive, and not all of you does. With each passing moment of pain there is always a part of you that dies. Some small insecurity that remains hidden to the rest of the world...except you. You don’t like your nose; you don’t like your laugh...every time someone says something mean it just gets worse. Hard, isn’t it?
The other day my boyfriend of 2 years asked for a break. Now...that might not seem so bad. A break? Psh, he'll be with you in a couple days. Just give it time. Only it's not that kind of break. It’s the kind where he has to "search for himself, find out who he really is so he can love me more." code for I don’t think we're compatible? I think yes.
I gave everything to him, started thinking maybe I was beautiful, let go of old traumas (and trust me there’s a lot of them), and learned to live with a couple extra laughs and a few more tears.
Now he's just...gone. It’s honestly like a missing tooth. You just keep prodding at the empty space and it just drives you bonkers, because something is supposed to be there-not just this empty space. Only it's like my mind is reaching for some answer to why I’m sad, and it digs into the sensitive fleshy tissue at what used to be the base of a molar, canine, you name it. It hurts so bad u want to just burst into tears. But it's not my mouth, it's my heart. My heart with a gaping canyon sized hole baring its ugly ripped edges to the world.
Does that make any sense? Maybe I’m just babbling. Point is...I don’t know who I am without him. that wonderful sweetheart who all my friends adore and my family counted as one of them, that hottie who could make my heart melt just with one kiss, that fighter who can stand up to me and throw insults right back in my face then hold me as I cry and say he's sorry...he's just...not there anymore. Every One Direction song, every time I watch Rio, every time I breath or think...it's all him. Images, feelings, nostalgia...the perfection of the past just beyond my reach...taunting me like caged bird facing a window.
Maybe it was a mistake, letting him become everything. Letting him be the reason I breathed, the reason I woke up, the reason I was happy for the end of the day...maybe I was right though too. Maybe it was right to fight with him, to scream, to laugh, to kiss, to hold, to smile...to LIVE. I mean...heck yes it hurts...it hurts so bad that it seems inhumanly possible...but I’ll just grow. And if he does come back...I know I’ll do this all again just for those happy moments.
so some advice for the peanut gallery...keep a hold of your heart when your loving with all of it...because if u sew it into his chest...it'll be a long time till u get it back. Live long, stay beautiful, and love yourself.